To blog is therefore to let go of your writing in a way, to hold it at arm’s length, open it to scrutiny, allow it to float in the ether for a while, and to let others, as Montaigne did, pivot you toward relative truth. A blogger will notice this almost immediately upon starting. Some e-mailers, unsurprisingly, know more about a subject than the blogger does. They will send links, stories, and facts, challenging the blogger’s view of the world, sometimes outright refuting it, but more frequently adding context and nuance and complexity to an idea. The role of a blogger is not to defend against this but to embrace it. He is similar in this way to the host of a dinner party. He can provoke discussion or take a position, even passionately, but he also must create an atmosphere in which others want to participate.

That atmosphere will inevitably be formed by the blogger’s personality. The blogosphere may, in fact, be the least veiled of any forum in which a writer dares to express himself. Even the most careful and self-aware blogger will reveal more about himself than he wants to in a few unguarded sentences and publish them before he has the sense to hit Delete. The wise panic that can paralyze a writer—the fear that he will be exposed, undone, humiliated—is not available to a blogger. You can’t have blogger’s block. You have to express yourself now, while your emotions roil, while your temper flares, while your humor lasts. You can try to hide yourself from real scrutiny, and the exposure it demands, but it’s hard. And that’s what makes blogging as a form stand out: it is rich in personality.

–”Why I Blog,” Andrew Sullivan (via Chelsea G. Summers)

From time to time someone gets cranky about an aspect of our insular little world and pops off a comment referencing the “in” group of sex-bloggers, whose members they invariably characterize as sycophantic, humorless and exclusive. Every time this happens I have to shake my head because in nearly five years of writing in this genre, I have not yet met such a creature.

Who are its members? Where are its members? What passwords or secret handshakes exist to grant one entrance? I don’t know! I’ve never heard of anyone who does know, nor even a breath of a whisper of a hint that would suggest the reality of this “in” group, and you know why? Because there is no “in” group. There are, however, many of us who feel passionately about certain topics, including two or three which have caused quite a kerfuffle lately — and rightly so.

The glorious interconnectedness of the ‘net means that if you post a blog about a topic abhorrent to me and I’m hosting your ad, your assholery rubs off on me. I look like a jerk by proxy, and trust me when I say that I do a fine enough job of looking like a jerk without anyone else’s help.

This phenomena seems to be getting more pronounced as Twitter, Facebook and other social media draw us into an ever more tightly woven network. The growing pains are sharp but they’re not nearly over. Companies have to be more cognizant than ever about how they look to their customers:

So what is the point of all this?  The point is, FORGET YOUR BRAND.  You don’t own it because it is literally nothing.  You can spend all sorts of time and money trying to manufacture public opinion, but ultimately, that’s up to the public, now isn’t it?

You know the best way to get the public to respect your brand?  Have a respectable brand.  Offer a great, innovative product and make responsible, ethical business decisions.

I’ll add this: When you fuck up — and we all fuck up — have the ovaries to admit it. Face your failure, apologize for the misstep and promise to make things right. Look, it’s dead simple:

• “Our current linking strategy really isn’t building the kind of collaboration we want to encourage. Give us a week to reevaluate, during which we’d love to have your constructive feedback in our forums; at the end of this time we’ll roll out a new policy that will be fair to everyone.”

• “Our company makes products specifically designed to help people explore and enjoy their sexuality no matter what their body type. We’re saddened and embarrassed to have posted an article that suggests otherwise. We have removed the piece in question and in the future we’ll hire more qualified writers and better vet their work before allowing it on our site.”

• “After receiving an enormous amount of feedback on this topic we’ve come to the conclusion that linking to someone who put a bounty on sex workers was ill-advised at best. We’re proud to fight for sex-workers’ safety and human rights, and in the future we’ll do better to respond to their concerns promptly.”

Kindergartners know to do this when they’re wrong. CEOs should follow their example.

Should companies about-face with every complaint? Not hardly. But when dozens or hundreds start flowing in, it’s time to realize that those messages come not from anonymous nobodies but actual human beings who may in fact work in the very fields they’re critiquing and who quite literally put food on your table and a roof over your head. Consumers have more ability than ever to know you and contact you. Expect to be held accountable. Expect it if you are a blogger writing to an audience of dozens or if you are the President of a Fortune 500 company.

Do your opinions on these topics differ from mine? That’s ok. Economics being what they are right now, I cannot condemn anyone who keeps their ties to a company I’ve criticized. It’s hard to turn down affiliate checks no matter how small; it’s even harder to contemplate giving up full-time employment based on the experiences others have had. Affiliate away. Work away. But for the love of God have an exit strategy because my gut and overwhelmingly ample evidence tells me that sooner or later you will need it.

You don’t need an “in” crowd to tell you that.

Katie writes:

I’ve been an occasional blogger for a while now. I have a bit of a hectic life, though it’s starting to calm down. When I first started I received quite a few comments, but they kinda stopped happening and I think that’s part of why I got irregular at putting stuff on the blog.

If I think about it, the interaction online is what I like, but because of the hit-and-miss way I blog I don’t interact as much as I perhaps should with others online.

Do you think I should I put myself on blog listing sites? I have to wonder if it is worth doing, especially after reading about how people like EdenFantasys seem to mess around with their links back to bloggers. And if so, without me being able to spend a long time online, am I just going to be a blogger also-ran?

I would really appreciate advice from an experienced blogger.

Katie, while you might get a few hits from blog listing sites, I’d suggest that you spend your online time otherwise:

• Add blogs in your niche to a feed reader so that you can find updates easily. This might take an hour to set up initially (less if you’re already familiar with using Google or another RSS reader) but it will be well worth it in the long run. If you’re just starting, choose twenty to thirty sites so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

• Read your updates daily. If you’ve selected a moderate number of blogs, it shouldn’t take too long to skim most of them and concentrate on a few that really catch your interest.

• Leave at least five meaningful comments on blogs from your reader each day. “Meaningful” is the key word here. Take the time to respond thoughtfully to the topic. Make sure that you leave your URL with your comment and set up an account with Gravatar. This will help the blog’s author and readers remember you.

• Link to blogs in your niche. They might link back to you. If they don’t, you are not allowed to whine.

Once your reader is all set up, Katie, you should be able to read and comment in under a half-hour a day. I think this will help you find some of the interaction you’re after, but I bet my readers can suggest more ways.

Readers? Have at it.

Standing in an interminable queue at a government office gave me plenty of time to observe the lone employee processing forms at the counter. Even from a distance his grace was evident; as we moved closer I discarded my first guess as to his hobby (dancing of some variety) when I noted his not inconsiderable muscles. He couldn’t have been your standard body-builder I thought as we moved up a pace. Maybe a swimmer? Or a long-distance runner?

I had the answer when at last we were face to face. “You practice tae kwon do,” I exclaimed, pointing at the framed image of him mid-kick in full uniform which sat on his desk, and as he mechanically stamped the forms I laid out before him he happily answered my questions about rank (2nd degree black belt with a decade-plus experience) and results of his last tournament (he won his fight but the board didn’t break).

And I wondered as I gathered the paperwork and walked back to the car why this man’s boss hadn’t yet fired him. Here was a man who dealt with the public on a daily basis, and he could reach across the desk and kill anyone who pissed him off, or looked at him funny, or just because he wanted to. Not only did he possess this unusual skill set but he also had the nerve to talk about it, display it, even flaunt it to everyone who came into the office.

This man was clearly dangerous, yet they continued to let him work.

Imagine that.

• St. Louis Sex Blogger Loses Day Job Thanks to Twitter, Topsy
• St. Louis Blogger “The Beautiful Kind” Fired for Writing About Sex – St. Louis News
• Anonymous Sex Blogger Fired From Her Day Job

Baby, you got dooced.
–a friend of mine

I went into the office dressed in my usual conservative garb of long sleeve shirt, long skirt, hair in bun, glasses and no makeup. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down. My boss immediately told me she needed to talk to me in private. The moment she said that, I prickled with horror. I feared this moment, couldn’t imagine it, and now, here it was. I knew my Clark Kent gig was up.

We sat down and she blurted angrily, “I need to let you go. Corporate office suggested I google employees. I typed in your name and it took me two seconds to find your website. How COULD you put that stuff out there? What were you thinking?! I feel like I’m talking to a 14 year old! We’re DONE.”

I was in a sound tunnel of shame, a total state of shock, my face was bright red. Practically speechless, I managed to utter, “I’m sorry.” She didn’t say a word, just glared at me accusingly.

There was no “this is too bad, you’re such a good worker, we liked you,” involved. Last week they liked me, and today they couldn’t stand to look at me. My lovely, warm, kind boss had turned the corner and was utterly disgusted with me. She looked at me as if I was a monster, like she didn’t want my tentacles to touch her.

It was swift and brutal. There was nothing to say. I know I disappointed her terribly. She wanted me out of her sight as quickly as possible. She took my keys and watched me clear my desk with her arms folded. Her eyes glittered with fury. She said coolly, “I’d appreciate passwords, if you are willing to share them.”

I felt awful that she would think I would withhold information out of spite. I told her of course I would email them to her. I also choked out that just yesterday we received a resume that would be worth considering for the position, and I would forward it to her.

I did feel for her – if she was looking for any dirt on me, I doubt she was prepared for the raw dog filth I spewed.

Sketch by Henryk Ptasiewicz

But that filth is my personal life and had nothing to do with my work performance. That filth was wrapped in inspiration and education. That filth helped so many people. In all that filth, there is something beautiful to behold.

That beauty is openness and honesty.

My friend compared me to dooce, the blogger who got fired from her job because of her website. Her advice to her readers is NEVER write about work on the internet. Except I wasn’t writing about work – I was celebrating my personal life, which is sexy, fabulous, and full.

The two things Americans most fear and/or loathe to talk about is sex and death. One contributes to the very beginning of life, and the other is associated with the end. Americans, especially in the Midwest, are not comfortable with either end of the life spectrum. Maybe th

ere’s a correlation to geographic location and lifestyle comfort level – the West coast is down with sex, the Midwest focuses on eating, watching sports, and going to church, and the East coast is more accepting of death, but plans to get their freak on just the same.

Yes, I feel ashamed and terrible, and I’m very sorry it turned out this way, but I have a clear conscience. I don’t believe I wronged my employer. I don’t associate my name or face with my blog, so it’s all anonymous (they found it through a freak social media glitch).

And this is the third time I’ve been through something like this. I hate to say it, but I’m used to it. I haven’t felt any anger like I did in previous scandals.

Instead, I feel sadness, anxiety, and fear.

I’ve had an outpouring of support from my friends, fans, and fellow sex bloggers around the world, and that has been extremely heartening. I know I’m surrounded by awesome good energy, and I want to harness it. From the bottom of my heart, I thank everyone who has reached out to me and expressed concern. I am fine in body, but rumpled in spirit.

Let me ask you this – what would you do in my situation? Have you been in the same boat? Should I kill TBK? Would that even matter with this tangled web we weave? Or should I “come back fast and fierce,” as someone urged me to do? How can I make a living? I know a lot of my friends in the sex industry display their face and real name, and they’ve acknowledged that once you go there, you can’t go back. They have limited their options, but they don’t regret it.

I love my rich and beautiful life, but I don’t really know how to LIVE in this society. Any tips on how to live are appreciated.

Much Love,
TBK

——

–TBK will be reading and responding to comments below. You can also send her a message (love at thebeautifulkind dot com) or find her on Twitter. I’d love it if folks reading this would come forward with support (and maybe even other opportunities). Share this post widely via Twitter and Facebook, please? –aag

After a February so packed with work I hardly slept and the deposit of a juicy tax-refund check, my bank groaned under the unaccustomed weight of excess dollars. My mind raced with plans for them: Saving, heading off property tax payments, investing in the upkeep of my home.

Now, just one week later my poor account has been abused by:

• Three months of expensive (and unexpected) medication for my son.
• Replacement of a cracked windshield (how did that happen?).
• An appointment with a pulmonologist (which I was hoping to avoid).
• The necessity of a new (insert long string of obscene yet descriptive words here) transmission.

And the allergic cat is once again sneezing.

I think this is what they call the wheel of fortune, and right now it’s running me over.

So, anyone know how to rebuild a transmission?

If your site has been reviewed by Jane’s Guide and you’re not yet displaying your Quality/Original icon, here’s a simple way to rectify that situation.

Nab the Jane’s Guide WordPress Plugin, add the link to your review, place the widget in your sidebar where you’d like it to appear and VOILA you’re good to go. You don’t have to mess around with saving images to your server or writing code. It couldn’t be much easier.

Thanks @maymaym for coming up with this ingenious solution!

In an attempt to post this lovely graphic (which, by the way, links to a cause everyone should check out), I somehow managed to delete three entire widgets full of text from the sidebar.

How did this happen? I’ve got no bleedin’ clue. Only one of them was open at the time, but after I hit “save” all three vanished. My WordPress installation is (of course!) up to date; all my plug-ins were also current. Were things perhaps not playing nicely together? If that was the case, it was the first I saw of it.

During hours — yes, hours! — of restoring lost sidebar content (thank goodness for Google’s cache) I berated myself for being so incompetent. How simple would it have been to save all that information in a document on my hard drive, or send it to myself via email. How much work it would have saved. How stupid was I for not doing it sooner.

I’m not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. As soon as everything was back in place I tucked the information away in a spot where it could not be destroyed by some random act of Widget Monster Nomming.

And you know what? You should do the same. Please learn from my misfortunes. Back up your work in some way right…NOW.

GO.

And when you’re done, check this out as well.