You guys! I think I’m getting the hang of this “fashion” thing! Fashion means “matchy,” right? And how much more matchy can you get than this?According to Babeland, this gorgeous dildo is made of Black Norwegian Moonstone. Fancy! The nail polish is this, which is equally fancy. Both are hard, supersparkly and imbued with layers of glowy colors that make you want to turn them hither and yon in the light just to admire the pretty. It¹ also comes with a storage bag, certificate with lot number and instructions. Instructions?

Picture One: As you push the head of the D.1 inside, you will feel some gentle resistance from the (vaginal) opening.

Picture Two: When there’s no more resistance, pull the D.1 gently back out until you feel slight resistance again. The D.1 will now be positioned right under the g-spot area.

Picture Three: When you feel the resistance let up, pull the D.1 gently back out until you feel slight resistance again. The D.1 will be positioned right under the g-spot area.

Picture Four: Push down on the handle the feel the head against your g-spot area.

Picture Five: You can alternate between the more pointed part of the head to the broader curved part by a simple twist of the hand.

So, a few questions about this part. a)Do we really need dildo instructions? b)Is your average vagina so very resistant? c)If you’re “under” the g-spot when you pull out, and then you pull out more and you still “under” the g-spot, did the g-spot move? d)Is the woman’s leg removed in the pictures, or just jacked so far up that it’s out of frame? e)Instructions? Seriously?²

The other thing that bugs me about the Laid D.1 is that one end is etched with a huge — I mean huge! — product name. Jesus, Laid, were you worried that someone would see this sitting around and think it was some random riverrock plucked forth from a rushing mountain stream? These etched letters shout “I am a dildo, dammit, and don’t you forget it!” And they’re not even straight! They’re kind of canted off at a weird angle, like some ridonkulous hipster with his ironic hat. I am personally offended at how full of itself this dildo is.

Someone should wipe those smug letters off. Are there any stone-masons amongst my readers? Anyone with a rock blanket? Email me, ok?

Laid D.1 isn’t a very large dildo (1.5″ at the widest point) but in my experience, hardness trumps size where sextoys are concerned. Norwegian Moonstone is 6.5 on the Mohs scale, so until someone comes out with a diamond dildo³, this is about as hard as it gets.

Huh. This makes me wonder if a well-Kegeled vagina could crush a dildo made of gypsum? How about talc? Someone should commission a study.

Anyhow. Like dildos made of steel and glass, the Laid D.1 does an excellent job of maintaining its temperature, which means that unless you enjoy shocking your vagina with a toy that’s room temperature but which will surely feel like it was just unearthed from the icy depths of the Siberian tundra, you’d best warm the Laid D.1 up. Also, once you’re done with it and you pull it out (We don’t want any injuries so follow the directions, please!) you will be shocked at the heat it gives off. Not enough to, say, pop up some post-coital corn, but enough to impress all but the most blasé lover.

I enjoyed Laid D.1′s larger end but I couldn’t bear to try the handle end — and not just because of the self-important lettering. Damn thing’s pointy! Seriously. I could just imagine what it would do to my cervix. If I were in charge of a D.1 overhaul I’d insist that the letters be removed (or toned way, way down) and the smaller end be rounded off. Having two usable ends is worth far more than lame lettering. Think about it, Laid.

If you look closely at the surface of this toy you’ll be impressed by two things. First, it is just gorgeous. It’s like you can see down into the layers that make up this lovely stone. It’s really quite mesmerizing. Next, tiny imperfections keep it from uniform smoothness. That’s fine, really. It was made by the Earth, not by a factory. It can’t be perfect. But I wouldn’t count on being able to sterilize the Laid D.1, so if you plan on sharing you should definitely use a condom. Also: I wouldn’t trust myself to put it in a bottom.

Preposterous lettering notwithstanding I’m really happy with the Laid D.1. If you like unique materials, heaviness and awe-inspiring beauty you’d probably like it too.

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–Available from Babeland.

1. the dildo, not the nail polish [↩]
2. According to Whorebaggery, dildo instructions should be as follows: 1. Shove it in. 2. do things that feel nice. [↩]
3. And, you know, sends it to me, at which time I would fuck myself silly with it, chip off a big hunk to make an ostentatious ring ['cuz I'm fashionable], and then sell the rest. [↩]

The fine folks behind PinpointsX bought a little ad-space on this site and asked me at the same time to take a peek at their product. I really can’t, I demurred, as I don’t have an iPhone. It doesn’t work on the Blackberry, does it?

“Doesn’t everyone have an iPhone?” they asked.

Alas they do not, so I can only imagine the joy of roaming about my fair city looking for hookups with my iPhone (or Droid) held in front of my face like an electronic sex-dowsing rod. Believe me: I can imagine it. It’s just too bad I can’t do it.

I can, however, take advantage of the web-based version of the product and on a chilly November afternoon I did just that. Registration is dead simple. You fill out a few questions, upload a photo, click a link in a verification email and immediately you can start browsing.

I was annoyed to find that one of non-optional registration questions is “weight.” I can’t imagine many folks who’d be thrilled to answer that. Moreover, the number on the scale all by itself could not be any less of an indicator of compatibility. Later you can specify a body type but this is only visible if a user clicks over to your full profile. In the initial map view only height and weight show up. My opinion? This should be reversed. Body shape should be required. Weight should be optional.

In the full profile you’re also given the chance to make some selections about what you’re looking for (one-on-one sex, group sex, discreet relationship) and a smallish handful of fetishes such as fisting¹, cross-dressing, leather and the like. There’s no way to write so much as a paragraph describing what you’re looking for. Just fill in the check-boxes and hope for the best.

With no Blackberry app I was limited to arm-chair browsing. Using the location I provided at sign-up (and which can be changed anytime) the system organized other members in my area onto a map from which I could view a few details of their profiles and send messages.

If you have the right phone, download the app (it appears to be free) and log in. Your phone’s GPS will locate other members in your area, placing them on a map along with a pop-up view of their basic information. See someone interesting? Click a button to send them a message. If they don’t respond, I suppose you could follow them around town without their ever knowing, vividly demonstrating the ever-thinning line between “interest” and “stalking.” View a demo of the whole process here.

If the free version’s not enough for you, choose one of three levels of enhanced packages ranging from a one-month option for $24.99 to a year-long option for $99.90. What do you get with a paid membership? Gosh, I wish I could tell you. Here’s what the site says: “full access and privileges with PinpointsX® cellular (mobile) application and correlative complementary adult-social-networking website.” What does this mean? Is it worth nearly a hundred bucks for a year? I’m just not sure.

According to the map, no more than a tiny handful of men use the service within an hour’s drive of my house — an area of some half-million souls. It’s possible that PinpointsX will catch on in my region, but until it does it would be a frustrating proposition to try locating a partner this way.

If I lived in a more densely populated area I’m still not sure I’d use PinpointsX. The last thing I’d want as I picked up my dry cleaning and shopped at the market would be a fleet of horny men trailing along in my wake.

I guess I’d just turn the service off unless I was properly primped and fresh in my ladybits — but even then would I dare to venture out exposed thusly? I just can’t picture it. Even in my most debauched fantasies I engage in significantly more screening than what’s allowed by PinpointsX. The idea of finding a man on a map and meeting him five minutes later is such a terrifying prospect that it makes my clit shrink up into my body.

Surely there are people for whom this kind of matchmaking is enticing. Does it entice you? Tell me in the comments below.

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PinpointsX | Facebook | Twitter

[edit: A note from the company president --

There are several security methods to protect members and prevent stalkers:

1.       When opening the app you will be asked if you want to use you GPS- the GPS system is optional for those who want to display their exact location. However, even with the GPS we've enabled a scrambling mechanism so that the location coordinates are constantly changing within a certain range of an area. This means their location cannot be determined accurately.

2.       Users can also set their location manually, which allows them to insert any location they want and view a map of that location.

3.       A 'hidden' mode is also available for users who do not want to display their location to anyone, thus being invisible on the map.

4.       A blocking mechanism has also been created to prevent any unwanted users from contacting or viewing that user; when blocking someone, that person will NOT be able to see you anymore

The user is in total control of where they want their location to be set on the map, whether through GPS, inserting any address, or scrolling down the map and placing them on a certain spot. The concept is quite simple – we wanted to provide a sensual map with all the erotic scene around you wherever you go, so besides singles or couples, you can find adult shops, bars, clubs, restaurants, massage parlors, BDSM clubs and swingers parties. All of these businesses are represented by a contact person that has joined PinPointsX , and not just listed like in a directory.]

1. Hooray for fisting! [↩]

The person who built my house thoughtfully placed two power receptacles on the wall most likely to house a future homeowner’s bed. For any other couple inhabiting the master bedroom that would surely be sufficient: a matched set of lamp and clock, one to each side of the bed.

That’s how it worked during my years as married woman, but once the bedroom belonged only to me I allocated one power outlet for practical purposes and reserved the other just for fun. Permanently plugged in are the Hitachi and the Eroscillator; when not in use the cords stretch long enough that the devices can hide beneath the bed, safe from the eyes of children and (mostly) unmolested by cats.

Now the Wahl jostles for space amidst the tangled cords of its compatriots. I’m in need of a power strip so that it can be permanently plugged in too. One day I’ll remember to buy it at the store, then all three weapons-grade toys can be deployed in service of my needs without bother or fuss.

Because I’m greedy like that, I often use multiple toys in succession. I love to start with slow, soft, throbby orgasms the Eroscillator gives, then move on to the pounding screaming thrashing force of the Hitachi before ending with gentle oscillating waves. Am I rendered dead by the Hitachi’s overwhelming force? Is my clit ruined for the delicate touch of battery-powered vibes? Do I long for something more powerful when a lover’s tongue caresses me?

Not bloody likely.

And here’s something really amazing: Even with the best sex toys money can buy, sometimes I just want my fingers. And they still work! I can pop off to the bathroom (or, ahem, the laundry room) and take care of business in less time that it would take another woman to fix her makeup.

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Like now! See how fast that was? (Gawd I feel so much better.)

Numb to more delicate pleasures of the flesh because of my arsenal of toys? Not hardly.