For well over a year I was a supremely happy Liberator.com affiliate.
I was happy not only because my readers seemed to enjoy — judging by the number of purchases– Liberator’s affiliate banners, but also because I have adored every one of their products that I’ve tried. The Zeppelin? Heavenly. The Esse? Brilliant. And the Throe? If possible, I’ll take it to my grave.
So it was with extreme pleasure that I watched the dollars add up. Every time I logged into my affiliate account I imagined how much fun the items’ new owners were having and a happy jolt passed from brain to cunt.
Um. Surely I’m not the only one who gets slightly excited by this sort of thing?
Eventually enough dollars accumulated that I reached Liberator’s very high pay-out amount. Some affiliate programs issue payments at $50 or $100; Liberator requires $200 before they’ll pay. Is this because the products tend to be pretty pricey? Or because they figure that few will stick with the program long enough to earn that much? I don’t know, but since I’d reached the level without undue fuss I didn’t much worry. I gleefully clicked Liberator’s “Pay Me Now” button and waited for my miniature windfall.
Almost immediately I began to hear murmurings that all was not well in the land of water-resistant sex positioning furniture. “They’re delaying payments,” one rumor went. “The whole program is frozen,” said another, and my previous confidence began slipping. I fired off an email to the company requesting information. It went unanswered. More rumors reached my ears. Am I ever going to get paid, I wondered, realizing that by then it had been many more days than one might reasonably expect for a check to wing its way from Atlanta to the Upper Midwest. Does anyone have a number for their main office, I asked via Twitter, and Twitter once again proved itself to be capable of answering my every question.
Reader, I called them. Immediately I was connected to someone who was not, by her own admission, in charge of the program. She was, however, quite chatty. “We’re a couple months behind,” she told me frankly. “We’re paying the big guys — the ones we owe hundreds or thousands of dollars to — first. The little guys like you are seeing their payments delayed.”
Well that’s hardly fair, quoth I.
“Not much I can do about it,” she said, and that’s when I asked to speak to her boss. Of course she wasn’t around; I was encouraged to email her (I already have, I pointed out to no avail), and the conversation was over. Imagine my surprise when not even five minutes later my phone rang and on the other end I found the head of the affiliate program herself.
“Problems? In our program? Delays in payments? Of course not,” she said, and went on to explain fourteen ways to Sunday how they were just transitioning over to a new program and while payments might seem ever so slightly delayed in my perception, in reality everything was perfectly, glowingly fine. Just fine. In fact things were so fine that they’d decided to lower the pay-out amount from $200 to just $100.
Hm, I said. So might I have my check?
“Of course!” she gushed. “We’ll put it in the mail today!”
And the check did indeed arrive in the exact number of days one might expect for a missive sent from Liberator corporate headquarters. Only one problem. The check was not for two-hundred-plus dollars. Instead it was for roughly 70% of that amount.
What gives? I asked in an email to the head of the program. I earned twice the amount of your current payout, you promised to pay me, and this is what you send?
“You are so very wrong!” she said. “You earned over $200 but not all of that was eligible to be paid! You need to sell more in order to get your $200, you silly girl you!” And she continued on with an explanation I hardly heard due to a massive case of annoyance.
While I love Liberator products, I don’t love having to wonder if I’m going to get paid. Not even a little tiny bit. So how do I express my love without supporting an affiliate program which has (shall we say) issues? Here’s how: I’m sending you to Amazon, which is the best of both worlds. You get fabulous Liberator products (if you so desire) and I get paid.
Doesn’t get much better than that.
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Sending a big wet kiss and my thanks to Bacchus from ErosBlog who provided invaluable advice on the topic of affiliate programs and their foibles.
One of the most amusing aspects of maintaining any sort of affiliate arrangement is that typically, the account owner can see what products were sold through her specially coded links.
Oh don’t worry; I can’t find out anything about the people who made those purchases. Not names, not addresses, not even when said purchases were made. But I can usually view the items themselves, for the purpose (I suppose) of allowing webmasters to understand their visitors better. I’ve spent hours in contemplation of my various accounts, wondering how exactly my generous benefactors used the things they received.
Was that book any good? How’s the Esse working out? Did one person really buy all seven?
But the other night while scrolling through recent acquisitions made through Amazon, I noticed something I’ve never seen before. Buried amidst the expected books, music, MP3 files and a few sex toys was this, and if you were the one who found it on your doorstep a few days later I’ve got some things I simply must know.
Are you going to use it in the manner it was intended to be used? Are you skilled in this pursuit or just a beginner? What was the impetus behind the purchase? Did your last one perhaps get wrecked? Stolen? Spirited away by clowns?
And most importantly, will you send me pictures of yourself on it?
A location otherwise used for performances of Shakespeare, art exhibitions and weddings was transformed late last week into a classroom, one whose centerpiece was a towering portable bondage apparatus. For two hours an avid group listened to rope instruction and tried out new techniques under the tutelage of one of the most charismatic and interesting teachers I’ve ever heard.
The class officially ended at 9. The planned question-and-answer session morphed into cock-and-ball bondage (as no one volunteered to provide demonstration equipment, Monk himself dropped trou) and even more suspension bondage. A group of us chatted while watching from tiled steps near the tripod; opposite a handful of experienced rope tops from a local bondage group pulled their chairs a respectful distance from the rig’s legs.
Monk tied and retied a smiling bottom, a woman who clearly loved every physical permutation he put her through. He pushed her upside-down body to demonstrate the fun that could be had with a sub in motion, but as she oscillated out and between two legs of the bondage tripod the opposing leg lifted well off the ground. It looked as though the swing would only stop when her body hit us or the rock-like steps on which we were sitting.
We threw up our hands as if to protect our faces but before we could take any more appropriate action her swing reversed and in an instant she was safe in Monk’s arms. His eyes never left her, so he had no idea that that behind him, the easy-to-assemble leg pieces — held together only by the weight of the rest of the apparatus — had completely fallen apart. Only the rapid action by the local bondage tops kept Monk and the bottom safe from the other two collapsing legs. They were able to catch the pieces and lower everything gently to the ground.
It all happened in half a blink of an eye.
Their response was impressive, seriously impressive. They could not have acted quicker if they’d been warned in advance that the device would so spectacularly fail. Even more impressive was the response of the product’s manufacturer, who accepted full responsibility as soon as he was told of the failure. Units already in use will be fixed and no more will be sold until Monk’s had a chance to test the improvements he’s already planning.
Accidents happen every day in naughty situations and in not-so-naughty, in kinky play and in vanilla. Everything, including stepping out the front door, involves some risk. Risk is common. Accidents are common. What’s not so common is to see such a beautiful response from everyone involved.
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Monk talks about the incident here, and there’s more information about that night on Carnal Nation.
If you’re a member of FetLife, you can read what the manufacturer has to say here.
His voice sounded nervous over the line. “Can I swing past your house in a few minutes? I need some toys.”
“Right now?” I was at that very moment bagging apples at the grocery store.
“As soon as possible,” he answered.
“What’s the rush? Do you have a date this afternoon? On Christmas Eve?”
As a matter of fact he did, so as soon as I’d paid the bill I zipped home and began rummaging through my toy box. The call had been brief enough and the store loud enough with last-minute shoppers and blaring carols that I could only guess what sort of toys his beloved would find most enticing.
When he arrived (looking ever so slightly harried) he examined a dozen or so glass, silicone and buzzy items marching across the closed washer lid. He choose a handful of likely candidates then joined me for a few minutes of conversation during which I inquired about his plans for the rest of the day. They included a nice dinner out, the wearing of a Sexy Christmas Elf costume, some porn and the judicious application of the aforementioned toys. In due time I wished him luck and sent him off to the assignation.
In an email a few days later he thanked me for the visit and the toys. The visit went well, he said. The toys were a huge hit, and in a paragraph or two of heated text he let me know the exact magnitude of their success.
Wow, I thought, I’ve become the person other people come to for sex toys before dates and to debrief after dates.
At the behest of Sensitive Man I’ve opined merrily away on the topics of the best vibrators, the best toys for men and the best lubes. In what will probably be the last in this series of posts (unless I change my mind), we’ll now round up the very best of all the rest. Enjoy:
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Dildos, Dildos and More Dildos: Ideally, your go-to dildo selection should include examples of wood, metal, glass and silicone. Why? Because everyone is different, ever orifice is different, and every encounter is different. Plus, it’s neat to whip them out and show ‘em off. Erm. Not that I’ve ever done this or anything.
But it takes time to acquire a collection, so a good place to start is with a good silicone dildo from Tantus. Anything they make will last for as many years as you’re likely to be having sex. Money a little low? Start with the Silk. You can have the medium size for just $32.
The best dildos are versatile and sterilizable. If you put your mind to it, you can find something good for your own personal ass and vagina and the asses and vaginas of those you fuck. Yes, I know this is a tall order, but not everyone gets their toys for free and sometimes we all must make compromises. Get yourself the little black dress of dildos, sterilize it between ass and vagina (and between partners) and everyone will be happy.
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Storage for Everything: If you need something to sit by your bed and look pretty, ToiBocks is perfect. From the outside you’d think it was a jewelry box; lift the lid and the illusion continues with velvet-lined divided tray. Remove the tray only after learning the secret of releasing the lock. The really cool thing about this is that there’s no keyhole, no visible lock, no chain — nothing in other words to draw attention to the fact that something extra might be lurking below the tray.
For on-the-go storage you must have something from For Your Nymphomation. I have several, but my favorite is the probably the Big Foot because it’s roomy enough for a good selection of toys and it looks a little like an old-time doctor’s bag. Yes, this appeals to me very very much.
And if you need to store your whole collection, get the big one. I’ve had my eye on it for ages.
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Mess Avoidance Brilliance: Liberator Fascinator Throe: If I were going to whittle down my list of must-have sexytime products to a single item, this might be the one. It has soaked up more messes than I care to admit, including some you wouldn’t believe even if I told you.
I use mine literally every day; it lives on the couch when it’s not protecting my mattress (or going through the washer, which it’s done dozens upon dozens of times since I’ve had it and it always comes out beautifully). It covers me while I watch teevee. We’ve had picnics on it. The kids use it for a tent. Absolutely a necessary product.
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AVOID: Toy Cleaners and the Like: Well, ok. If you’re getting it on in the middle of the desert, on a walkabout, while hiking the Applachian Trail or during your stint on Survivor, you might need a bottled toy cleaner or personal sex wipes, but for the rest of us who have access to running water only steps from the bedroom, you really can do without these. The best toys can be boiled for sterilization (that’s why metal, glass and silicone are so awesome) or washed with hot soapy water.
There’s nothing a toy cleaner or wipe can do that hot soapy water (in the sink or on a cloth) can’t do. They’re not magical. They’re only a convenience. Get ‘em if you need ‘em, but if you’re broke you can definitely cut this corner.
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Any others you’d like to add? Leave a suggestion in the comments below!
A while back SensitiveMan asked for recommendations for best sex toys in various categories. So far we’ve looked at the best vibrators and the best toys especially for men. Now let’s turn our attention to lube, a product that in my humble opinion should be included in the go-to sex kit for everyone who has sex — whether that sex is with a partner or solo.
I’ve heard way too many people say that only older women or the tragically unaroused need lube. Nothing could be further from the truth. Read on for some of the best lubes on the market today:
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Must Have: Pjur Original Bodyglide: I’ve raved about this lube more times than I can count, and for good reason. It’s super-slippery, doesn’t ever gum up and it’s perfect for any kind of sex you can possibly imagine (and no doubt a few kinds you couldn’t imagine). I wouldn’t have buttsex without it.
The only problem with silicone lubes is that they cannot, in general, be used with silicone toys; however, Tantus products seem to be completely impervious to the effects of silicone lube. Using any other kind of silicone toy? Read on below.
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For Silicone Toys: Sliquid: While it’s certainly not as long-lasting or crazy-slippery as a silicone lube, Sliquid’s water-based lubes are great alternatives for use with silicone toys. The company offers lots of different flavors (I’m partial to cherry and green apple) as well as a line of organics which I’ve yet to try.
I’m a tough judge on the flavors used in non-food items (oh-emm-gee I’ve tasted some nasty-ass lubes) and I can honestly say that Sliquid is not gross at all. In fact it’s right nice.
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An Excellent Organic and Vegan Option: Yes Organic Lube from the Sensual Vegan: The very kind Furry Girl sent me a bottle of this thick, luscious lube; my partner and I eagerly tried it out for, well, everything. For me the ultimate tests of a lube are fisting and buttsex; Yes performed well on both counts.
Some swear by Hathor Aphrodisia Lube, which is also organic and vegan, but I found the taste absolutely intolerable. If you don’t plan on licking your lube or anything your lube has been on (such as your partner), give this one a try.
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Use With Caution and a Great Deal of Skepticism: Anything that promises miraculous stimulating properties. Most of these contain menthol; some will feel this as a pleasant cooling sensation, others a lovely warm feeling, and an unlucky few as hideous dancing flames. If you must, try a tiny drop first, okay?
Also, no cream or creme or gel or elixir or potion is going to make your clit burst into song. They might make you feel good because of the temperature change and because you have to rub them in. Do not expect miracles.
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Avoid, Avoid, Avoid: KY in any form whatsoever: Honestly, I’d almost rather not have sex than use KY. It gums up in an instant and the teevee commercials for it are frankly appalling. I wouldn’t oil a squeaky hinge with this shite. AVOID.
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As usual, I’d love to hear additional suggestions in the comments below.
Last week I was asked for recommendations for the best sex toys in various categories. After mulling it over (and taking a hard look at my toolbox of lurve over the weekend), I’m ready to share some thoughts on the very best vibrators available today:
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Budget-Friendly: Blueberry Buzz. This vibe is remarkably reliable. I’ve had mine for over two years, during which time it’s gotten a lot of hard (heh, hard) use. It’s still going strong, and when I say strong I mean that it’s the most powerful battery-operated vibe I’ve tried. It’s waterproof, so use it in the shower or cover it completely in lube if that’s your thing. At only $20 you cannot go wrong with Blueberry Buzz. I’d recommend this as a first vibe, travel vibe or back-up vibe for anyone.
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Splurge: Gigi. You really cannot go wrong with this vibe. The shape is awesome for clit, g-spot or anywhere else you’d like to put it. Rechargeability means you’ll never have to buy a battery. And the range of intensity is broad enough to take you from warm-up to screaming. Just about anything from Lelo is a safe bet but I’m particularly fond of Gigi because of its shape. Buy this one for years of great orgasms.
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For Couples: We-Vibe. This vibe’s pricey but worth it for couples who want both clit and g-spot stimulation during intercourse. If the penetrating partner is has a bio-penis, it’ll feel pretty good for him too. I like the We-Vibe as an alternative to vibrating cock-rings because it’s rechargeable (Lelo now makes a rechargeable cock-ring as well) and it hits two spots at once. I found it to be surprisingly stable during the kind of enthusiastic sex I get to have, and it’s perfectly functional for solo fun too.
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Weapons-Grade: Hitachi Magic Wand. I’ve written about this vibe repeatedly and for good reason: It fucken rocks. You’d be hard-pressed to beat the power of the Hitachi, and quite frankly I’d be a little worried about you if you needed more power than what this can dish out. If you have trouble orgasming or want fast multiple orgasms, choose this. Plug it in. Use it. Tuck it under your bed, still plugged in. You’ll never want to unplug it.
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AVOID: The Cone. It is a crying shame that this ridiculous piece of plastic has gotten so much more press than vibes that are half the price and twice as effective. The Cone did nothing but annoy me. Weak vibrations, crappy design and a nonsensical control panel make this one to leave on the shelf. I know it’s a cone and cones are cool and unique and all, but there’s a reason that no other vibes are shaped like this. Cones and vaginas just don’t mix. Buy it only if you want a pretty pink doorstop.
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Do you agree with these recommendations? Have other products to add to the list?
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Contact me at aagblog @ gmail dot com.
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