Pussy Verse

Dec 172007
 

Earlier today I took the cat to the vet, and being that it’s the end of the year, there was a pile of magnetic calendars on the front counter. Burdened with cat, carrier and checkbook, I grabbed one on my way out the door without giving it more than a quick glance.

It wasn’t until I arrived home (and released the yowling cat from the carrier) that I realized two calendars had come with me. Upon closer inspection, I saw that the second calendar was actually not a calendar, but was instead a pull apart set of pet-themed magnetic words you could stick on the refrigerator.

Cool.

So that’s why at this very moment my refrigerator reads:

Licks Kitty
Tongue Tail
Plays Toys
She Purrs
Happy Fun Time

I should probably take down my lil stab at poetry before the kids get up from their naps, right?

***Thank you for the gift card, dap.  Email me, please?  I can’t find your address!*** 

 goof, sex  12 Responses »

A Contest

Mar 232007
 

I had no idea when I started writing for Jane’s that there would be swag involved. But there is.

In fact, right now I have a small pile of cool things tucked away around my desk area. It involves work, and it’s not all from Jane, but it’s all cool.

I am replete with swag.

And there’s more coming. A wonderfully kind person is sending me some glass for review, and she’s also sending chocolate cake. A glass sex-toy and chocolate cake! Could there possibly be any better combination that could arrive in a box?

I just hope that I remember in the heat of the moment the correct hole in which to insert each product.

Some of the swag I cannot use at this point in my life, as I am still a respectably married lady (stifle your rampant giggles). One such product is from Neil’s Notes, which produces greeting cards that are the polar opposite of tasteful. The cards are awesome but right now I really can’t use them. So, I’d like to give them away to someone who can use them.

Here’s what you have to do. It’s a variation on a meme that I got from Desireous over a year ago:


In the comments, tell me a story of a time you and I met. This should be a fictional story.

It’s no fair to tell a real story and pass it off as fiction, if you are one of the very few readers I’ve actually met, and by “met,” I mean “slept with.” You know I’m referring to YOU. Yes you. No true stories from you, hear me? I know how you are.

Your story can be sad, funny, sexy, outrageous, witty…whatever.

Amuse me! Titillate me! Make me snort with laughter!

Come on, do I have to do all the work around this place?

You could also just play along for fun, even if you aren’t interested in winning the swag. If your story is my favorite, you’ll need to leave an email address so that I can get contact information from you eventually.

Ok? Any question?

So…go!

 goof, swag  Comments Off

I Gots My License

Mar 122007
 

–click to enlarge–

Art made this for me.Evidently he thinks I’ve earned it.

I tend to agree.

Thank you, lovely Art. You are the best.

 buttsex, goof, sex  Comments Off

What Did YOU Do Last Night?

Mar 062007
 

8:00 – 8:05 pm–Fret that promised booty call has not yet arrived.

8:05–Announce to self that if booty call arrives now, I’ll not respond. Just for the sake of principle. Do chores while fretting.

8:15 pm–Change out of jeans and into grubby sweats, in protest of missing booty call.

8:17 pm–Grumpily begin work.

8:20 pm–Booty call arrives, along with apologies for its lateness. Grumble quietly, but feel dedication to “principle” slipping away.

8:21 – 8:25 pm–Negotiate details while changing back into jeans. And panties. Then out of panties. Then back in.

8:26 pm–Panty confusion. Finally decide to leave on panties.

8:30 pm–Out the door. Drive across town. Leak daintily into panties.

8:40 – 9:15 pm–Kissing, licking, biting, sighing, nibbling, fingering, stroking, licking, giggling, tumbling, fucking, moaning, comingcomingcomingcomingCOMINGcoming.

9:16 – 9:20 pm–Quiet talking, kissing, nuzzling. Admiration of various skills and actions. Promises for future meetings.

9:21 – 9:25 pm–Comb fingers through hair and hope that hair doesn’t look too much like sex-hair. Wipe mascara from below eyes. Untangle pile of jeans, shirts and underthings. Kiss.

9:26 pm–Out the door.

9:27 – 9:40 pm–Buy gas. Get milk. Return library books. Drop off recycling. Mail letters at PO. Drive home.

9:45 pm–Switch jeans for sweats. Begin work again. Consider it to be a very successful evening.

 goof, sex  Comments Off

Deep Brown Eyes

Feb 162007
 

In the course of seeking out male companionship, I’ve occasionally found it tempting to check out the competition, as it were.

As you might imagine, it’s quite a melange of the gorgeous, the odd, the desperate, the freaky, and the plain. (In case you are wondering, I’d consider myself to be a happy mix of all the above…er…without the desperation. Without much desperation.)

The other night I stumbled across an ad with a title remarkably similar to the title of this post. See it above?

Ok then. Keep that title in the back of your mind.

On this particular site, there’s a also place for a headline–sort of a brief introductory phrase about yourself. The woman who titled her ad as above wrote a phrase for her headline that I can only imagine she thought was a take-off on the old saying that when a door closes, another one opens.

Right? You know that one? Lame way of promising that it’ll get better soon and all that happy crap.

Surely that’s what she was trying to convey.

Because she didn’t mean…that other thing, did she? It’s just my filthy mind seeing it that way, right?

What was the headline, you ask?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Every Exit is Also an Entry
into Somewhere Wonderful!

She wasn’t advertising her desire for buttsex, was she??? Nooooo…

 buttsex, goof, random  Comments Off

More-or-Less Real Email; Completely Imaginary Response

Feb 072007
 

Dear aag,

I really enjoyed meeting you the other night!

We had a great conversation, but I think we’re looking for different things. Some day soon, I’d really like to have children of my own, and it seems like you are done having children.

I’m sure you understand.

Sincerely, S******
______

Dear S******,

I completely understand!

I’ve called my gynecologist and he’s actually able to fit me into his surgery schedule for this afternoon! My tubes will be untied and ready to go by my next cycle! Isn’t that great news?

I’ll be ovulating on the 16th, so I’ll see you then! I’m so excited!

Sincerely, aag

ps–Bring extra sperm!

______

Thank you to my good friend D for helping me see the humor in this.

 date, goof  Comments Off

In Memory of the One that Got Away

Jan 222007
 

Can you feel that?

Ahhhh fuck me …

Dripping wet without my clothing,

Broken your servant I kneel

(will you put it in me?)

It seems what’s left of my sanity is quickly changing in me

(will you put it in me?)

Looking at my own complexion

When suddenly it blushes

Erotically it flushes

I’ll be on my back now,

That you’ve woken up the cock-slut in me.


[Chorus]

Get it up, come on get down with the thickness

Get it up, come on get down with the thickness

Get it up, come on get down with the thickness

Open up my cunt; and let it flow into me.

Get it up, come on get down with the thickness

You fucker fuck me, come on get down with the thickness

You fucker fuck me, come on get down with the thickness

Rapture is your gift when you cum into me.

I can see inside you the passion is rising

And I can’t believe what I feel.

(will you spurt it in me?)

I feel like I’ve been stretched out, inside

As you force it — in me.

(Yes, you shove it in me)

It seems you’re feeling pressure

With my pussy on you

Oh, no. You cum in my soft place

Oh yes you’ve woken up the cock-slut in me.

[Chorus]

Shove it in, come on, make me down with the thickness

Shove it in, come on, make me down with the thickness

Pull out, bring it up, make me drink down the thickness

Open up my mouth; and shoot your cum into me.

I want it all, come on, give me all of your thickness

You fucker, shove it in, while you give me your thickness

You fucker come on, give me all of your thickness

And I will drink the gift that has been given to me.

______

—to the tune of “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed

–with thanks to Gadfly, who did the vast majority of the the composition. Gadfly, you are awesome.


		

	



		 goof, sex
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Probably Not a Good Idea

		

			

		

		
Jan 122007

	

	 	

		


In my quest to date as soon as is humanly possible (which is doubtlessly far too soon for logic or good taste), I’ve been communicating via email with a man we’ll call E.  The emails have zinged hither and yon, causing my pulse to race just a bit each time I find one in my inbox.


In my last email to him, I posed a number of questions, as I am a nosy fuck and I find comfort in attempting to discern if people are serial killers before I agree to meet them.  In his reply, he answered the questions, and expressed an interest in having me answer the same questions.


Which is fine.


Except for the way he told me he wanted answers to those same questions.  When I read his email, at 11 pm, in a room dark but for the computer screen, a cold chill ran down my spine.


He said this: “Quid pro quo, XXXXXX.”


See, see, see?  Isn’t that creepy?  Doesn’t it just make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up?


Or is that just me?  Um, do I need to increase my meds?  Again?


In any case, I don’t know yet if I’ll agree to meet this particular man.  Even if he turns out to be the meekest, sweetest man ever, I’ll not be able to shake the image of him lusting for the taste of my liver.

		

	



		 date, goof
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