Do you know about the Blogger Anonymity Project, or AAG’s Home for Wayward Bloggers? Want to get something off your chest? Read up, then leave some love for today’s Wayward Blogger in the comments. –aag
My husband is on his first date. Well, his first date since we have been married. Well, his first date with someone other than ME since we have been married. Confused? Let me start from the beginning.
I have known my husband since I was 14 years old. He was in the first class on my first day at a new school. I did not notice him, but he said my combination of a huge rack and hair to match made me impossible to miss. We became friends, and I was wearing his Swatch Watch before long.
We dated some in junior high, and also in high school. Eventually, we broke up because of sexual pressure. Wait, wait, wait – before you jump to conclusions, I was the one pressuring HIM to have sex. He was not ready though, and although we remained friends, we broke up. I sowed my oats, and he drank his.
I saw him occasionally throughout high school and college because we shared common friends. I graduated a year early from college, and moved home to figure my life out. He was also back in our hometown, interning with a manufacturing company. One day, out of boredom and loneliness, I called him and invited him to a movie, JUST a movie. Not a date. It was Forrest Gump. He fell asleep half way through, and when I got home I called my best friend and told her that I had just gone out with the man I would marry.
After six months of friendship, we became lovers. In fact, I was his first lover, just 6 years later than I had hoped! ! We broke up a few times, and during one of those times he had another lover, but I remained the majority of his sexual history.
We married, had children, and were the best of friends. Such good friends that when I felt the need for extra-marital sexual exploration, he agreed, albeit with gritted teeth. I was determined to do it ethically, (shout out to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton!), and went at a pace that made him comfortable. It was counter to all of my instincts to go so slowly with a new exciting adventure, but my goal was to help make this as easy for him and as fulfilling for me as possible. He remained skeptical that my need for additional lovers was not a failing on his part, but I knew time would show him that I was going nowhere.
We were not without bumps. There were stormy arguments, threats of divorce (on his side), threats of shutting down sexually (on MY side) and general passive aggressiveness all around (on BOTH of our sides). We sought the help of a therapist, and were lucky enough to find one in our small town that did not immediately brand a scarlet letter on my forehead.
My first experiences with other lovers were mostly good, although the rush of falling in love with someone had a horrible coincidence of happening at the same time my father passed away. I am pretty sure I was emotionally checked out. Still, my husband was there for me. It hurt him to see me get hurt by a lover, but he was there. How much love do we take for granted just because we think someone is going to be there.
For the first two years, my husband did not express any interest in dating other women. In fact, he was against it. He was convinced he was monogamous, and that I was the one who was polyamorous. Therefore I dated and he did not. Until he met someone who shared more of his common interests than I ever had.
How much of a successful marriage is based on sex? On shared values? On shared activities? My husband and I had never enjoyed the same activities, other than sex (does that count as a hobby?) but we both treasured our independence fiercely. He likes to drink, I am a teetotaler. He likes live music, I would rather listen on my iPod. He’s a little bit country, I’m a little bit rock and roll. Ok, the last part I made up. But we have always had the same basic values.
But I never knew how lonely he was. When I would travel with a lover, usually related to my work or a hobby I enjoyed, I never thought about what it was like for him at home. What he must be imagining. What he thought I was doing. I would call when I said I would call, and try to keep him in the loop, but still I had no clue.
It turns out he was missing companionship, he was very lonely. So when he met this woman, there was an instant attraction based not only on common interests, but also a shared need for companionship. She too was feeling lonely. She too had a spouse that was not “there” for her.
Now this is the point in the story where most people will shut down and assume that this is the end of the road for our marriage. After all, he said he was monogamous, and now he found a monogamous woman who not only shared his interests but also a desire to share those interests with someone they love. Surely this means he should divorce me, and marry her, right? And surely that would serve me right for being a greedy whore who wanted to have her cake and eat it too!
But no, that is not the ending to this story. He came to me, told me about her, and told me he wanted to explore it. At first, I was the perfect poly person, and told him to “Go with my blessing! Enjoy yourself!” Then I found out there first date would be an entire weekend. And I fucking flipped out. “What the hell, my first date was three hours!” “You made me wait a year before I even FUCKED another person!!”
I was so certain that my feelings were justified, and then I realized I was just jealous. Plain and simple jealousy. I was not mad at the “unfairness” of it, I was just using that as a justification to feel angry. I was angry because I was jealous, and I was jealous because I was scared.
What if he was no longer “there for me”? What if I made a huge mistake opening this door into our lives? What if he has more fun with her than with me? WHAT IF SHE IS THINNER AND SHAVES HER PUBIC HAIR??????
Once I admitted those feelings, I shared them with him. He reassured me that he was going nowhere, had loved me since he met me, and that he would be coming home after his trip. And I believed him. I did not need a big argument on rules and fairness, I needed love and reassurance. And I got it.
And now the day is here. He is on the trip. He did not call when he said he would, but txted only. I felt the insecurity rise again. When he did call, he sounded distant and I knew she was in the room. Again, more insecurity. I wanted to yell and scream at him for NOT CALLING WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD, as if that was the real reason. I asked him if they had slept together, and he said we would talk about it when he got home. I felt gross and as separate from him as I ever had.
But instead of flipping out, I txted him. I told him I felt distant and weird, and he said he did too. We txted back and forth for a while , and I realized that I did not need anything from his behavior with her, I needed something from his behavior with ME. I needed a connection, I asked for it, I got it, and was once again happy for him to be there, and wished them both well. For real this time.
Non-monogamy is not more enlightened than any other conscious choice one makes in their life. I think that CHOOSING monogamy is better than just blindly accepting societal standards, but I am a believer in making fully aware decisions on everything in life. I see the positive sides to monogamy, especially now that I am not the totality of my husband’s sexuality. I had been struggling for years to help him see that, but it was threatening. I had literally been “the one” for so long that the idea of someone else peeing on my tree (hey! Don’t you judge me!!) shook me. It shook me so hard that it made me realize that my idea of us together forever based on love was bullshit.
We are together because we CHOOSE to be. And it is a choice we make every day of our lives. My husband’s monogamy allowed me to live with the illusion that I was a “special snowflake” to him, based on nothing more than his lack of fucking other snowflakes. But now, it is about us, not fucking. When fucking is not THE tie that binds us together, we have to examine what IS. Why am I with him? Why is he with me? What do we bring to each others lives? What is the unique connection that he and I share?
To be honest, I am scared to death. I feel a bit like I am tempting the fates. But I don’t believe in fate. I believe in choice, responsibility, and trust. And I know that know matter WHAT the future brings, I can handle.
Non-monogamy gave me the chance to choose my husband again and again. And I trust him enough to let him make that same choice.
