Some Advice

So last week someone got upset and threatened to sue me for defamation of character. After an hour of hand-wringing, during which my emotions ranged from extreme annoyance to abject terror, I contacted my very own legal counsel, who happens to be wise in the ways of the ‘net as he is also a blogger.

With his permission I am republishing a part of his advice, which you might also find to be helpful:

That’s a fake lawyer threat if I ever saw one.  Anybody who thinks “Legal Counsel” needs capital letters, doesn’t have a lawyer, much less a lawyer on retainer.  Second of all, the truth is an absolute defense in all charges of defamation.  That wouldn’t stop a nutcase from suing you (nothing can stop that) but it should stop any lawyer from doing more than blustering, as long as you don’t say anything about [person] that’s untrue — which you haven’t and won’t.

[Person] writes like a desperate failing sex toy white label owner who has no *clue* why ze’s not making money the way the fast-talking franchise salesman said ze would, so the universe is punishing hir stupidity far worse than you ever could.  Third, since you didn’t identify the store in the tweet, there’s utterly no grounds for concern based on what you’ve said so far.

If you haven’t already responded to hir about the ad space refund, I’d refuse that too. All of my ad sales are for blocks of time that are prepaid; the advertiser is free to put up whatever image I’ll approve. But I don’t refund because they are unhappy with the traffic or the conversions or my body odor or that I didn’t fellate them as vigorously as expected.  Or, to date, for any other reason whatsoever.  At my house and I expect at yours, that money was long ago spent on tomatoes or tangerines or toilet paper; and you’ve done nothing wrong that ze should demand it back.  I’d refuse the refund, as politely as I could manage, which would be not very:

Dear [Person]–

I’m sorry you no longer wish to do business with me.  Given your unreasonable expectations with regard to web traffic and review-writing, I’m content with your decision to terminate our business relationship.

However, all advertising sales are prepaid in advance for a set period of time, final, and non-refundable.  If you choose not to run advertising for the complete term you paid for, that’s your prerogative.  In that case, please confirm that you would like the ad removed.  Alternatively, I’m just as happy to continue running your existing ad until the paid-for period is done.  Just let me know.

Thanks for the advice, lawyer-blogger friend. I owe you at least a full crate of clementines for the help and commiseration. And for making me laugh, which I desperately needed after this ridonkulous little episode.

To my blogger friends who are accepting toys for review and/or allowing ads on your websites: If you haven’t already taken the time to write up some terms and conditions for these services, what’s stopping you? Please allow my experience be an example of what can happen when you’re not beyond abundantly clear about your expectations.

I’d love to know what you come up with. Post a link below or email me, okay?