So true a fool is love, that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.
I’ll admit it: I orchestrated the evening. I didn’t have to have everyone stop by my house. I didn’t have to fix complicated drinks by hand. I didn’t have to wait ’til they were all there and I certainly didn’t have to make the pronouncement with no forewarning while everyone else was silent.
But I did, in the kitchen mixing fruity booze until the conversation lulled, and when I’d said the words every head whipped around to stare at me in shock while the two most outspoken among the crowd said “You what?” and “Are you out of your mind?” There might have been an f-word or two sprinkled in as well. I forget.
What I won’t forget are the looks on their faces, the shock and disbelief that I’d done something so dumb. Rapid-fire questions ensued, each of which could have been condensed to “Why are you doing this to yourself?” I had no answers, or only ridiculous ones, and as that fact became painfully clear each shared with the rest recollections of times in the past when my similar actions had resulted in nothing but upheaval, recriminations and angst.
This was the goal, though I didn’t realize when I spoke. All had listened in the past to facets of the situation but none, it seemed, had heard everything. As they downed their fruity drinks (I drank only water, the better to appreciate their words) they filled each other in. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?” I heard more than once, and I had to wonder the same thing. Why hadn’t I told them all everything? Why did I dole it out in bits even to those who love me best? Why hadn’t I wanted them all to know?
Days later they one by one apologized for riding me too hard. “We should have been more supportive,” they all essentially said but honestly? They couldn’t have been. They rode me too hard and it was exactly what I needed. I change with the speed and agility of a cruise ship docking but that night the turn became determined, and if ever again I’m tempted to revert I will close my eyes and see their faces mouths agape and boggling over how very stupid I’d been.
Oh, no. From following here or using my own cases of such occurrences, it just elicits: Oh, no.
Is a friend’s first reaction “The Best Answer” as when you are completing a test? I’ve long worried this. Ah, but the sweet, thick and heady rush of love, even if foolish, delicious.
This post has nothing to do with T. or any other romantic relationship. :)
Good. Bill’s quote threw me, proving my hopelessness in that regard.
This must have something to do with your parents or N. It seems you got exactly what you wanted and/or needed from the group you made yummy drinks for. That’s a good thing, right?
Love you, babe. I totally understand about changing with the doped of a cruise ship docking. :)
Doped? I thought I typed speed….damn phone…
You are such a gooseball. <3
Ok I admit I’m confused. The timelines for your posts do not always conform to my perceived reality, so this could have happened anywhen. If I guess at what is going on, will you enlighten me if I am wrong?
You could send a guess via email, if you’d like. I may or may not tell you if you’re on the right track.
In general I say exactly what I mean to say. Sometimes I don’t want to tell every last detail because that would be dull. For the purposes of this post it’s enough to say that it has nothing to do with my current romance or any romance.
:)