Three months have passed since MOMENTUMCon ended and, at the urging of a friend, I began a little experiment in which each and every day there is posted upon Facebook a picture I have taken of myself.
I know! It’s almost unbearably self-indulgent! But there is a purpose to this, which is to give future generations pictures to remember me by — however, given the fact that last night my eldest flung into my room a Buffy tshirt I had just bought her, thereby, one assumes, breaking up with me, I am not entirely convinced that posterity will be kind to these images — and also to shore up my sadly flagging confidence.
How could it have flagged so far? You’re not the only one to wonder:
I profess to be surprised at finding that you – someone who had the confidence in herself to divorce, taking primary custody with no traditional full time job, and then to build a business, buy/refinance her house – have such little confidence in your looks.
To me this is not surprising at all. Who among us is anything but a dizzying mix of bold and bashful, confident and crushed, self-possessed and in an agony of insecurity every moment of every day? And yet something has changed over the course of making these ninety images. Whereas at first I cowered behind child or pet, edged almost out of frame by something exponentially cuter than my wrinkly self, now I’m taking up a greater portion of the picture. Often the lighting is strong enough for the viewer to make out actual features and not just a vaguely humanoid blob. Sometimes I even put on lipgloss.
Throughout I’ve managed — somehow! — neither to horrify my friends1 nor to grind Facebook to a halt with images of such surpassing ugliness that all flee in their wake. I can look at the folder not with clenched teeth and through my fingers but with the dispassionate eye of being ever so slightly more at peace with my physical presence than I was even three months ago. I am neither as lovely as I remember at twenty-two nor as hideous as I feared at forty-two.
I can live with this.
- Erm. I think they are not horrified? [↩]
Progress! Yay! Perhaps this is an experiment that more of us should undertake.
Makes me think I should post more pictures of me and fewer of my cat. Added bonus? Makes me look like less of a Crazy Cat Lady. Woot!
I hold that you are lovely, both inside and out! And keep up the pics, they’re lovely too. :) Nothing wrong with being self-indulgent once in a while, either.
I have to agree with this, myself. Although the picture above whets the appetite, I think.
You are beautiful, AAG. Never doubt that, please.
I love the pic you posted! Such beautiful full red lips and a lovely glimpse of bosom. perfect!
I doubt any of us are as horrid as we think we are. You have incredible lips. Beautiful!
I think this is a similar syndrome as the issues we all seem to have with our voices. We don’t get to hear (or see) ourselves from outside much, so when we do it can be a bit of a shock. With time and exposure, we get used to it.
A little humility is a good thing. But so is a heap of self-esteem. You look lovely to me, and I would like to see the rest of your face. :)
I’ve been following your photographic progress and I’m thinking that there should be, idk, some sort of official-ish online project or challenge facilitating women in emulating this terrifying but ultimately empowering action. Or something.
Brava, btw, AAG. Brava.
You so rarely show that uncertain side. You project so much intelligence and confidence here. You have the courage of your convictions and a moral certitude. That is why when you do exhibit that bit of insecurity or lack of certainty it is surprising. There is a strength in you that comes across here, maybe you aren’t aware of.
I think it is great that you’re becoming comfortable with seeing yourself and more of us to see you. I am looking forward to the possibility of once again seeing your beautiful smile.
You are beautiful. <3
I’m so glad you’re doing the project…and see? It really does change things. Even if people don’t have the gumption to post them online at first, my experience has been that even privately, or shared with a few private people, it helps. I agree with Kimberly; I think it is something all women (or even all people) could benefit from–but particularly those of us with image/body/self-confidence issues.
And I think ultimately it is not so much about discovering one is beautiful (because probably deep down we all know we are that, intrinsically)–it’s about so much more. It’s about slowly recognizing one’s body exists in space, and space does not reject it, and it is worth something; worth being there; worth being treated well, worth adorning, worth pride, worth being looked at, even. For me, even the aspect of recognizing that a slight tilt of the head or angle of the body makes a photograph look entirely different negates the whole “bad photo”=bad me idea–how we are in real life is constantly changing–that one moment captured in that random shot is not what people see in a moving person, and they are just as likely to see the favorite shot taken in the series as they are the worst.
Even more importantly, when I started doing my own project, I think it began a conversation with my body and me. That relationship had broken down completely. I would not talk to or listen to my body–I could not hear it and despite how hard it tried, it could not get through to me. I could certainly not love it at all. And as with human relationships, if communication is down, healthy behavior and love can’t possibly exist. This was a conversation which was long overdue, and the process of photographing myself gave me my first inroad toward gentle acceptance of that other part of me I had blocked, so that we could start hearing each other better, treating each other better, and ultimately become one. Still working on that last bit, but I am sooooo much closer. Some days I’m even there.
And one day, you’ll put all of you in a photograph. :) I’d also like to posit that you may be lovely i a different way than you were at 22, but will be continually lovely in all your different incarnations. Our bodies will not stay the same, ever, whether that’s due to deliberate action to change it on our part or just the natural trajectory of life. But one can always find loveliness in every stage. If you start losing that perspective, do another 365!
I’m really glad you made me do this. :)
I should probably do this. There are so few pictures of me after 24. With the exception of my wedding photos it’s like I stopped existing on film almost 6 years ago.
With my new haircut I’m actually feeling pretty confident lately and yet every picture I see of myself makes me cringe. It may be time to take drastic measures … like posting pics of myself every day. That’s so scary.