To me the fact that is it 2011 — half-way through it, to boot — suggests that perhaps we should be a little more, shall we say, evolved about how we describe our plasticized fake penises; to wit: this beige cock is just not “natural”:
Because if it is “natural”, what does that make a light-brown cock? Or a coffee-colored cock? Or one with a yellowish, or olive tone?
And. And! Who in the everlovingHoneyBadgeringfuck wrote this copy:
- It is a biological fact that the human penis when fully anchored to the human crotch imposes certain limitations upon a woman’s sexual pleasure that the silicone dildo does not. A real penis can’t be radically flipped upside down without necessitating a trip to the hospital for the man whose body it is or was attached to.
- There is also the matter of hardness: the male penis isn’t always hard when a woman wants it hard, nor for as long as she might desire. And finally, a penis is not like a car that you can trade in every couple of year.
- Even if her spouse’s penis might not be the best size and shape to fit her psyche or anatomy, a married woman is pretty well glued to it till death or divorce does them part. Fortunately a woman need not ditch the man she loves just because she prefers a fuller fitting penis. She can purchase a dildo instead. (Read the rest in context here.)
This makes me sad. It makes my skin crawl. It makes me want to gather up all of my dildos and throw them away, and I love sextoys. I fucking adore sextoys. Can you imagine what reading that pusfilled lexicographical pimplesqueeze would do to someone who is nervous about buying one?
–What were you searching for on Amazon that brought up this bit of flotsam, UrbanGypsy?
Oh yes. Because a dildo is all a woman needs if she’s sexually dissatisfied. Alternately, women ditching men just to get a bigger penis is, apparently, a thing now. /sarcasm
Offensive on so many different levels! I can’t decide how to feel horrified first!
Sounds and smells like Google translation me. Probably written originally in Mandarin, Thai, or, even Quebecois French. I’ve seen some Quebecor computer translations that are so convoluted, you’d think they were originally Sanskrit.
“Natural”? Don’t get me started. As a civil rights activist, who remembers participating in restaurant sit-ins in 1960, this just angers me.
But, then, upon reading further, I see ” …when fully anchored … ” ??? WTF????
This begs the question: Just how does one get one that is partially anchored?
Doesn’t that hurt? The myriad images conjured up by that statement are all less than shall we say, trhrilling (except perhaps in some sort of weird slasher horror film sort of way).
I think they need to work on their marketing skills.
Glad I inspired this post. To answer your question, I was searching to see what info Amazon had on this lovely detached penis since I was writing copy for it. And then, my mind blew. I took it to twitter since I have no patience for my poor blog these days but I’m glad you wrote this. That thing is so wrong on so many levels.
Don’t even get me started on Natural and Flesh. Is brown flesh not flesh too? Just annoying and extremely insensitive.
Anyway, I look forward to uncovering more of these treasures.
I mean, how freaking hard is it to just describe the color. You don’t even need to use foods, although that approach is certainly less annoying than “natural” or “flesh”:
Light brown
Medium brown
Dark brown
Darkest brown
See how easy that is?
This is one of the more atrocious bits of copywriting that I’ve read recently. But your Honey Badger reference made me giggle and think that like Honey Badger, the writer just doesn’t give a shit.
If you don’t give a shit about things you should give a shit about, you are NOT being Honeybadgerish.
True. Fact.
I guess that I better go and throw the ones that I have away. According to this nonsense they are all unnatural whatever the hell that means.
I have some that are blue, red, pink, and purple. All highly unnatural, I guess.
I saw this on Amazon last month, it seems to be a canned bit of phlegm by Adam and Eve, to sell severed penises to on-line shoppers. Trust me, though, look for A & E dildos, because I purchased a couple from Doc Johnson, sold as ODOR-FREE!, that had to be sealed in odor resistant plastic bags wrapped over the original ODOR-FREE! packaging. When they entered my home, they raised a stench in the master bath (Mistress bath?), that made it a no-go zone,(/Enter AD&D Geek Mode) as if a 20th level wizard had cast a Stinking Cloud spell, and it took about 6 weeks for it to expire, or about 2 days per level of the original caster (/Exit AD&D Geek mode), so I could share living space with them. Adam and Eve merely leave a psychic STENCH, not a PHYSICAL one. Or just shop at Blowfish. Their products are guaranteed not to suck (Blow, maybe, but suck? NO.)
Anyway, There Are WORSE Things than irritating sales copy.
This is why I like silicone. It smells like nothing.
I’m constantly bitching about the natural/flesh color thing with dildos. It is one of my biggest pet peeves so it makes me happy that more people are discussing it. And as a buyer I come across that and atrocious copy all the damn time. It’s one of the incredibly frustrating parts of my job, but I also feel great satisfaction when I choose not to purchase those toys for those reasons.
And there is a certain company that has a line of dildos whose colors they call Latin American, Afro American, and All American.
Oooo I’ve seen that line of dildos! Infuriating!
So the Twitter that directed me here said: Latin American, Afro American and All American and I was really hoping to see a dildo covered in the stars and stripes… it is Independence Day after all
Ha!