Very, very occasionally I venture into the virtual cattle call which is my favorite pervy dating site’s IM service, where any woman so foolish as to permit the “online” icon next to her name to illuminate is instantly offered dozens of cock pix, homegrown camshows and opportunities to come give some stranger four counties away head right this very second.
Ignore (or block) the jackoffs and sometimes, just sometimes, you find interesting people. “Why not search for suitable folk and then email them directly,” you might be wondering, and for the most part I’ve followed that approach. Its drawback is this: set your parameters too narrow and the query returns no one. Set them too wide and you pull in as many possibilities as Peter and then have commensurate difficulty in sorting through the catch.
So I steeled myself, then into the breech I went. “Long thick cock, cum watch me on cam,” offered one message. I declined. “You’re picture’s going to make me explode!” said another. After ascertaining that my comparatively sedate offering of my torso in a black spaghetti-strapped cami had not mysteriously been replaced with something more stimulating I declined this invitation as well. “Wife’s out for the night, let’s play!” said another. “Chat only, no meetings!” went similarly by the wayside. “Hey cutie, come sit in Daddy’s lap” drew momentary interest, but as Daddy was 77 and lived three states away my boner quickly flagged.
And then someone addressed me politely. Politely! Over the course of thirty minutes or so we sketched out lives that had progressed along similar paths: strictly religious upbringing, early marriage that quickly went cold, deep devotion to our children and an abiding interest in all things pervy. We moved on to a discussion of our respective dating experiences since divorce; his first offering was the tale of a woman whose picture in no way represented her meatspace appearance. Hm, I said. That’s why I try to be really upfront in my profile about the fact that I’m not thin.
“Oh,” he said. “I didn’t read your profile.”
Perhaps you should, I said.
He returned within moments. “I only date women who are small or maximum HWP,” he said. “It’s a shame because you sound great otherwise.”
I see, I said. I guess we wouldn’t be a good match then, eh?
“Nope, we wouldn’t!”
Best of luck to you, I said, and then he was gone.
At MOMENTUM I slid in for the last half-hour or so of a talk given by Brandon B. He spoke about homophobia and discrimination in gay communities, where it’s not uncommon to find profile after profile proclaiming “No blacks, no femmes, no Asians.” Sitting in the back, head bent over my phone, twittering away as a few tears leaked out I realized the similarities between what he’s seen in the gay dating world and what I’ve seen in the straight, where admonitions against blacks (or demands for “BBC ONLY”) and fatties litter the scene. “You might think you’re just expressing a preference,” Brandon said during his session. “But you have to consider how it feels for someone in one of your restricted categories to read that preference time after time after time. Do you really want to do that to another human being?”
Heidi tells me that this sort of thing is an asshole filter: that anyone willing instantly to dismiss a person they find interesting in other ways simply because of a number on a scale wasn’t worth it in the first place. I’d like to believe this is true, but right now I’m having a hard time not thinking that I would have had a less soul-crushing evening if I’d chosen to watch the long thick cock come.
As someone in one of those groups (fatty here!) I do have opinions about it – I actually prefer it in a profile. This way, I don’t waste my time trying to craft a message to get their attention. Its internet dating/fucking, and I don’t take it personally. Perhaps this is because I grew up on the internet?
As a person in the ‘no fat chicks’ group, when I see that in a profile, I’m fine with it. You know what? I don’t like fat guys. Its true. I’m not attracted to them. I have a preference for average body type through emaciated ‘i look like I like smack’. (Interestingly, I do prefer girls on the average to larger size, at least visually as I’m not all that into girls.)
I don’t mention this in my OKC profile though, or any body/look/whatever preferences though, not because I’m worried about offending someone, but because many guys on dating sites are douchebags, and I don’t want to hear it in my inbox. But then I wind up completely ignoring the men who fall into those groups who message me, and I feel worse about that, because some of them do take the time to write a nice message. (Most done, but the few who do, I try to at least say ‘hi, sorry, not interested’ to. And if we *do* actually have mutual interests, I do respond and chat at times, because buddies rock. But then most of them get annoyed at my lack of sexual interest.)
I’d rather not bother messaging someone than not get a response. I’m sure that many of the guys I’ve messaged who’ve not responded have not responded due to my weight (either that, or the poly thing, but I think its more the weight, generally). I’d rather have seen their preference, and not bothered. Saves me time. I’d think it would work the other way, but for some reason, people/men/douchebags have the impression that as a fat chick, I must not have other options, and flame me for stating my preference (whereas plenty of fat dudes want to pull a Peter Griffen, but w/o the adorable charm.)
“As someone in one of those groups (fatty here!) I do have opinions about it – I actually prefer it in a profile. This way, I don’t waste my time trying to craft a message to get their attention. Its internet dating/fucking, and I don’t take it personally. Perhaps this is because I grew up on the internet?”
I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about body type preferences lately, and these kinds of conversations always get stuck between personal preferences and wider trends. There’s got to be some way to span the gap between “I, personally, do not like fat chicks” and “the ban against so many people thinking fats are unattractive is the result of discrimination”.
What I’m getting sick of about the body type preference thing is being told I’m an asshole for having a preference. (which is not what you are saying, I’m just including it near my first post) I’m sorry, but its just how I am. I am attracted to a wide variety of people. But generally, I’m sorry, but I’m just not physically attracted to certain kinds of people. Does this change when I meet people in person? Sometimes. Sometimes, mutual interest and attraction override my innate preferences. But I’m on an internet dating site, not a bar or a party. To narrow down the massive number of people, I start by physical preference, and then go by profile (location, intelligence, ability to write and spell, and not make them selves look like a twat). I realize people are doing this to me as well. Its internet dating. You have to have a thick, thick skin.
And quite frankly, being told I’m wrong or shallow for having physical preferences, when we ALL make judgments based on looks (we all do. I have yet to meet a person that doesn’t) pisses me off. At least I am aware of the fact that I do judge people based on looks and can work around it in my day to day life. And when it comes to who I have sex with, well, I’m sorry if my physical attraction to that person is just as important to me as my mental attraction.
I realize this means I pass up really great people sometimes and don’t even know it. In fact, Anon and I had a short interaction on fetlife a year before we met. He liked my tattoo, I liked his leather cowboy hat. Essentially we both said ‘huh. Cute. Too far away, though.’ Then we met in person at an event. Such is life. Generally, this is why I prefer to meet people while I’m out socializing, and not on the internet. I am less likely to judge a person in person, and more likely to have the chance to get to know them in a medium that works for me.
Conversely, I also enjoy people who have an interest in someone else BECAUSE of certain things. EX, chubby chasers. I had a great couple of dates with a guy who I was set up with because I liked skinny guys and he liked chubby girls. (However, he was SUPER christian, and I am pagan, and our mutual set up friends didn’t know these details). Anon has a thing for bigger girls. Why is that ok, but its not ok for me to not like bigger guys, when all else is equal?
“Anon has a thing for bigger girls. Why is that ok, but its not ok for me to not like bigger guys, when all else is equal?”
Okay then. You don’t have to be attracted to anybody or not. As you recognized in the first bit of your reply, that’s not the point I was making.
I think the thing here is “when all else is equal”. It’s not, at least not according to the fat acceptance blogs I read (fat is used as shorthand for sloppy/stupid, it’s hard to find clothes over a certain size, etc.) My question was: how do we bridge that gap? Do we assume most people are lying about their preferences? Are you doing something to find partners AAG is not? Do I continue to support blogs and such that try to make “fat bodies more visible” in hopes that it will change people’s minds?
(Sorry to make your comments section a place for activist debate, AAG. I just don’t like being misunderstood.)
I don’t know what we can do to encourage fat acceptance, to bridge the gap. There is 60 years of media PR to overcome, along with the obesity issue in this country to deal with – which comes down to health (and the money spent on such) more so than aesthetics.
Honestly, I’m not 100% sure I sit on the fat acceptance bandwagon myself. I think most bodies are beautiful, and that everyone has the right to be and look how they feel they should look – and I don’t like when the FA people get down on fellow fatties who want to lose weight when its something that the person who wishes to lose the weight feels they need to do (which is something I’ve personally experienced) and, quite frankly, there is a line after which I don’t feel comfortable saying I personally support someone’s choices. There are things I heartily, personally disagree with, though I also feel that I have no right to get involved in their life any make them change or share my opinions, because they are, in fact, my thoughts and opinions and I’m a firm believer in personal freedom, even if I don’t like or agree with it.
IMO, it would be nicer if we just had an ‘acceptance movement’ where we all get to accept ourselves, because, and again, IMO, MY opinion of myself is the only one that matters.
Also, I think we may have our wires crossed in terms of what we are each trying to discuss here.
Being discriminated against because of superficial qualities really sucks. That guy doesn’t know what he missed out on. Sucks to be him.
“…I would have had a less soul-crushing evening if I’d chosen to watch the long thick cock come.”
Less soul-crushing? Perhaps. However not exactly nurturing the soul either.
True enough!
An asshole filter, I like that. It’s hard to believe that this guy was so narrow as to dismiss what sounds like a satisfying conversation because you don’t fit his preconceived notions. I appreciate the point other commenters have made about personal preferences, but still… Doesn’t mental connection count for *anything*?
I was also at Brandon B’s talk at Momentum (love that guy!). He also devoted a little time to talking about the flip side: I.E. eroticization, especially of racial difference. This can be just as damaging and dehumanizing. I mention this because I think that petiteness is sometimes eroticized in this negative way. The preference for petite women, especially among men, feels to me a little bit like a representation of power dynamics.
As a petite woman myself, I could tell those men that it’s not always so sexy, and not always so fun. I’m small, tire easily, and have weak hands. There’s an eroticism (the positive kind) in a woman who is big, strong and powerful.
Hmm, too many digressions…hope there’s at least a little food for thought here.
Would you feel as bad if he had said: “OH… you’re not blonde… I only date women who are Blonde,” he said. “It’s a shame because you sound great otherwise.”? Or only women who speak Mandarin Chinese, or under 4 feet tall, or quadriplegics… Would you be upset if having the use of your four limbs precluded you from his search criteria? Maybe you would, I don’t get it, I don’t want people, that aren’t OK with me, to want me…
I mean, if some hot gal gave me the “I’m not usually attracted to fat guys” line… I’d still probably hit on her, and sleep with her given the chance… but after that, I’d be outta there, who needs that kind of drama that is gonna be coming down the pipeline when she realizes I’m not what she’s looking for…
Dodged a bullet I say…
No, I didn’t *want* to be with him. I’d only talked to him for a few minutes. It’s just the complete about-face from you-sound-awesome to totally-not-interested was dizzying!
I understand people have physical preferences in terms of who they want to have sex or a relationship with. I myself have a preference for people with big, fat, pulsing minds that are open to all types of people.
But that is just me.
I don’t even know what to think about this. I’m not on a dating site, as I’m not looking to date, so I can’t even imagine what you’re up against. Perhaps you could put your own limters: No assholes, no racists, no idiots? Ah, but at least most full-figured people are aware that they are, in fact, that. Most assholes, racists and idiots are blissfully ignorant.
What’s HWP?
HWP is ‘Height Weight Proportionate’. Its a nicer way of saying no fatties.
Is there really all that much difference between discrimination against ‘teh st00pid’, creepy leches, not enjoying novels, being unemployed, wrong political party, etc..etc..etc…and physical attrributes? Or even limiting yourself to a single sex/gender? Anyone can be a total ass with their personal preferences regardless of their no-go list.
A disproportionate percentage of people in the US prefer HWP members of the opposite sex who bathe on a regular basis and have a symmetrical face. Jackassery? Discrimination? Societal norms? Evolutionary adaptation?
I’m not saying that we should have no preferences. We all have preferences. I’m irrationally attracted to supertall bearish bald blue-eyed men who have interesting facial hair. HELLO SALTY GOODNESS!
My issue is when superficial physical differences trump everything else. This, to me, seems really silly.
“I’m irrationally attracted to supertall bearish bald blue-eyed men who have interesting facial hair.”
Hey, that’s what I look like!
How YOU doin’?
:)
Aag said, >>My issue is when superficial physical differences trump everything else. This, to me, seems really silly.<<
Well, if put on your wellies and go slopping through the pig pen expecting to find that cute little, fluffy lamb….you're probably going to be sorely disappointed….no matter how much you lament it and how many times you go back.
You realize this sort of thing has also happened to me on traditional dating sites, right? Not just the “pig pen”?
Jesus, do you think I’m stupid?
I am a plus size girl and proud of it. It took me awhile to get to that place because I thought most men were into skinny girls. But once I went online I found many men are into curvy girls.
You know what irks me sometimes? People who I chat with a couple of times, then I tell them I’m not really looking for sex or romance at the moment, but would be interested in continuing to be friends, then being told they don’t want to waste their time on me if there’s no chance for anything more.
Basically, it’s sort of the same thing, in a way. Being fat bars you from the ‘potential fuck’ category and they don’t have the imagination to grasp that a non-fuck directed relationship might progress in that direction after some meaningful connection makes physical appearances irrelevant.
But then again, some people can’t get over the physical attractiveness thing.
Personally, I’ve found that even if I guy is super-fine, the dick can be trash if it’s not backed up by something more intimate and substantial.
This plus-sized woman is now inspired to consider adding “HMP only” to her own profiles, for “Heart Mind Proportionate. I have zero interest in anyone who is primarily interested in the package more than what’s inside.
I definitely have a visceral attraction to a certain type of man, typically tall, bear-like guys whose smiles reach their eyes. Long hair is an unfair advantage. But they aren’t the ONLY people to whom I’m attracted–they’re just the ones I happen to notice first. I’m not going to turn away someone else because that’s not what they look like.
Love it!
How YOU doin’? ;)
I am on a few websites, some pervy-er than others. On the least pervy (OKCupid) I have full body shots and pay close attention to the answers to the questions. On the more pervy… fetishes and swinging-specific, I have full-body nude pics, and also add the info that I do not shave. I shave my legs (cause I like it) but not my mons or armpits (cause I dig hair, I think it’s sexy).
So – pervy sites, it’s out there, I generally get positive response. But I was recently contacted on the less kinky site by someone who was SO my match in every seemingly meaningful way. But he had answered a question “Is a woman who does not shave her armpits necessarily unattractive?” with the answer “yes”.
After chatting online for about 20 minutes, where we discovered shared interests, beliefs, desires… he was begging me to give him my phone number and I said well, you answered this question this way. He confirmed. I said, hmmm… guess what? He flipped out, demanded to know why, “WHY????” would I not shave my armpits, what was so fundamentally wrong with me that I could not perceive how inherently disgusting and un-sexy this was. And that was it. We ended the chat and I never heard from him again.
And honestly… it still makes me sad.
I love that question, which I’ve seen worded, “Is a woman obligated to shave her armpits?”
I answered it NO and added, “Obligated? To whom?”
Figure that maybe it will make some reader think about it. But that’s probably hoping for too much, right?