“Are you going to the party?” people keep asking me, and I keep answering that it all just depends. It all just depends on how much work I manage to complete as the week progresses because one of my workdays1 will be devoted to hand-holding and ferrying as my children’s mother finally submits to the surgery which will end her reproductive years.
Finally, some of you must surely be thinking, and I’d be lying if I said I’d hadn’t thought the same. I’ve been told that I should just have her fixed more times than I can count — and by so many people who would identify themselves, if you pressed the matter, as staunchly pro-choice. But as much as the “pro-life” crowd would like to paint it so, being pro-choice is not an easy philosophy to maintain. Nor is it as heartless, and I will back off of my anti-own-horn-tootin’ stance for the space of but a single paragraph:
This is what pro-choice looks like. This is pro-choice. Pro-choice means that when your own reproductive system mysteriously fails to engage a second time you do not believe that all or any women facing unexpected pregnancies owe it to you to carry their pregnancies to term so that you can have the baby they don’t want. Pro-choice means that even though the desire for a second child gnaws at your insides you still endeavor to treat each prospective birth mother as a woman, and a potential friend, and not an incubator. Pro-choice means that when one of those women contacts your agency in crisis, in need of a placement that very afternoon you take her burden in the full knowledge that it might be only for a while — and when the time comes only three days later you make one last circuit around the garden whispering encouragements more for you than for him above his black-ringletted hair, into the chubby brown neckfolds, and when his grandmother comes to fetch him with a throwaway apology for “the inconvenience” you keep your thoughts to yourself and wish her the best. Pro-choice means that when the agency makes another match with a girl who is in need of parenting for herself at least as much as for her soon-to-be-born child you put aside your babylust and resolve to act like her mother for as long as she needs it. Pro-choice means, after she signs the surrender papers all the while clutching her baby, and finally you are let back into the room, that you hug her and let her tears soak your shirt while yours soak her hair, before you make any move toward the child. Pro-choice means you keep mothering your children’s mother even though nearly seven years later the need grows no less. Pro-choice means that you advocate for responsible relationship and sexual decisions even though you know those concepts are far beyond her understanding. Pro-choice means that if you want to scream Terminate this pregnancy! you instead only offer to be with her no matter what she decides. Pro-choice means that your hand is squeezed almost off at the delivery of a baby who will eventually be your son, and at the delivery of a baby who is placed with another family, and at the delivery of a baby whose fate is yet undecided. Pro-choice means that you listen to her pain and anger and confusion over placements gone awry. Pro-choice means that you are there after a baby is taken away. Pro-choice means that you watch your children’s siblings grow up elsewhere. Pro-choice means that with a mix of awe and terror you note your children’s features in other people’s children. And pro-choice means that when finally, finally she is ready to bring her childbearing years to an end, you are her moral support. This is pro-choice.
To be pro-choice means that the person who is pregnant gets the final say in what happens to her body. Those of us who are not the person who is pregnant can give advice (if asked) but we cannot make the decisions for her. We can only respond to the choices she makes, which in this final case is a prayer to the universe of the utmost gratitude that finally, finally, this part of the narrative is coming to a close.
This is pro-choice.
- Not that there really are such things as workdays and non-workdays when your office is at home and you are the mother [↩]
Yes, this post is very much pro-choice.
More importantly, it illustrates a level of strength, compassion and conviction that I am often in awe of as I read the continuing story of your children, their birth mother and the manner in which you progress through the highest of highs and lowest of lows as they unfold in your life.
For me, being pro-choice means respect, trust laced with pragmatism.
I truly respect and aspire to be able to emulate your selflessness and love when or if I’m ever faced with even a smidgen of the difficult choices that you have, AAG.
You’re a hero and (perhaps reluctant) role model for anyone that claims to be pro choice .
Thank you.
Beautiful. I’m moved, AAG.
***
Here in Texas, in an undergrad course attempting to teach multiculturalism, most of the students are very, very politically and socially conservative. They are loudly, aggressively pro-life. Interestingly, each semester when the subject of reproductive justice scholastically comes up, these very same students also loudly and aggressively assert that single women on “welfare” should be forcibly sterilized and/or have their children removed to be raised by “better” parents. Every.single.semester.
Do you teach at my school??? lol I live in Texas and I have found that even in graduate school there are far too many people to whom even the IDEA that abortion should remain legal is an abomination. Among other closed-minded and judgmental thoughts that pop out of their mouths at the slightest provocation. They *really* hate it when I make them think, because I am a fairly intelligent and well-reasoned individual and often leave them sputtering and saying something along the lines of “Because that’s the way it *should* be” without any good reason as to why it should be that way.
Well said; thanks for stating it so well.
As for the ‘fixed’ statements from others, as much as they might have thought they were being funny or snide (thoughts on those lines come to my mind only in a sarcastic sense and I don’t share them unless people know my ‘sense of humor’ / life perspective) if they meant it then they apparently would like a totalitarian government that has say over whatever people do. Because that is exactly what that sort of action is a part of; someone else having a better idea of what should happen to people than they do themselves.
Well put. I have long maintained that pro choice means unless you are the one carring the fetus, you do not get to make the decisions, except the decision to be either supportive or not.
That’s almost super human. It strikes me after 40-some-odd years that most folks can’t possibly understand that level of laissez-faire thought process. Most of them substitute authoritarianism for their lack of understanding – in every walk of life – both in the delivery ward and at the point of some gun barrel in some distant conflict.
I applaud you for your strength. I applaud you for mothering the mother of these children. And I applaud you for your conviction to hold true to your beliefs.
“Pro Choice” is not, and has never been “Pro Abortion”. There are few women I know, and none that I would respect, who make that “choice” lightly. Most who do make that “choice” have run the numbers; financial, emotional and the others relating to their individual life, and made a decision that parenting is just not feasible.
Who knows what the future holds for N? Perhaps she’ll find a way out, get a good education, create a solid career, and later in life will be ready to parent on her own terms. Perhaps then she can adopt in her own right and close the circle.
Those are my hopes for N. Optimism, my name is Shell.
You have stated what “Pro-Choice” is better than I ever could. Thank you.
Yes, this is what pro-choice is.
And you are awesome. I am absolutely certain that none of this was easy for you – not easy to decide, not easy to follow through with.
THIS. So much this. I was having a very similar conversation with my mother-in-law in the car on Saturday, about how Pro-Choice is not pro-abortion, and how it really stands for supporting every woman’s right to make her own reproductive choices whether or not we agree with it. It’s the side of “I’ll support you no matter what”, while the Pro Life movement is.. not.
There can be no doubt that N’s life is better for having a friend like you in it.
Beautifully written and defined.
And… whew!
Yes. This is exactly it.
But I do have to say I am relieved she’s finally decided to put an end to all of this. She must be exhausted. You must be exhausted.
I think we’re all exhausted. :)
What Megan said.
I also have to add that I’ve not yet seen the decision to be pro-choice framed like this. It’s usually more about having the right to abort than “the right to make possibly stupid decisions, because the alternative is worse”. I feel like I’ve not really understood all the implications of being pro-choice until now.
I wondered at the start of adoption proceedings if the process would make me less pro-choice. Instead, I don’t think I really knew what it meant to be pro-choice until I watched all this go down. :)
I’ve been pro-choice most of my life, but I don’t think I ever realized all the ramifications of such a belief. Thanks for opening my eyes to a new perspective.
Cannot say I’ve walked in your shoes. First, I’m a man. Second when we adopted our children, there was no opportunity to know the birth mother… yes it was the dark ages. But once again, I stand in awe of your convictions, your clarity of expression and your effulgent, abundant love.
I love you for using the word “effulgent.” Srsly. You just have no idea. :)
(Seriously, thank you for such a kind comment.)
I have a friend of whom I think similarly, sometimes. Doesn’t use any form of contraception, gets pregnant regularly while in bad relationships, miscarries regularly due to health issues, and has two children she can barely care for (and frequently, can’t). She also has strong views against abortions and people that get them that she lets me know regularly, even though I’ve told her that it’s what I’d do at this point in my life.
This is the necessary preface to saying, over the years you’ve helped me understand and clarify my pro-choice-ness with regard to this. Thank you for being a role model for how to walk the talk.
(PS, I was pleasantly surprised to see you comment over at shakesville. The internet is a small place sometimes.)