Pjur Power Cream

Not long ago Garnet Joyce heard some of us talking on Twitter about ass-lube and offered up the tantalizing information that MyPleasure.com would be carrying a shinynew variety of Pjur lube very, very soon. This immediately gave me a boner because if I had to travel to Mars with only the things I could fit in a jetpack, a bottle of Pjur Original Bodyglide would be the first thing I’d tuck inside even before food or water, and if you think this makes no rational sense then you’ve never tried that lube.

[Aside: I wonder what would sex on Mars be like, other than breezy and dust-choked? OH LOOK, I'm not the only one to have considered this.]

I’ve sung hymns of praise to Original Pjur for years now because honestly it blows every other lube I’ve tried out of the motherfucking water — and I’ve tried a lot of lubes. It’s absolutely impossible for me to talk about lube without comparing it to Original Pjur. This perhaps makes me a horrible person and a bad sexytime reviewer. I don’t care. If Original Pjur stopped production I would buy every last bottle I could get my hands on and then when all were depleted I would stop having sex for good.

Ok, maybe that was an exaggeration. I would still have sex, but I wouldn’t enjoy it nearly so much and when each act was through I would weep stinging tears of abject sadness over the loss of my beloved Original Pjur.

Considering this, it was hard for me to believe that anything could match the joy I feel when Original Pjur is spread across my body. Nevertheless, I requested (read: begged) for Garnet to send me some of Pjur’s miraculous new product the very second it was unloaded from the truck. She agreed (I love her!) and told me that Pjur Power Cream was designed to have the same super-slippery properties of Pjur Bodyglide but in the form of a gel, which means that it stays put better than its thin-and-drippy counterpart.

This sounds like a really wonderful thing because if there is one teeny-tiny criticism I could level at regular Pjur it is the drippy factor. If you were to peek into my bedroom and look closely at the carpet next to my bed you would no doubt discern a number of discolored splotches where Original Pjur, in the process of being dripped onto my bottom, also dripped onto the floor. To my mind this is but a small price to pay for hours of stellar buttsex¹, not to mention the fact that each time I espy these marks I get a tiny jolt of remembered pleasure. Drippy? Who cares about the drippy?

But if the same results could be achieved without the drippy, I’d be happy. I told a friend who’d in the past enjoyed the superslippery properties of Original Pjur with me about this little experiment and he agreed to participate in my study of Pjur Power. It comes in a black snap-top jar about the same size and shape as a container of Vick’s Vapor Rub, and that’s not where the comparisons end. It’s got kind of a cloudy-clear appearance, like the aforementioned mentholated rub. Or mucus.

Scratch that. We’ll just say it looks like the rub.

Between the fingers it feels a lot like Vaseline. Garnet warned me to use a clean hand to scoop it out of the container so as not to contaminate the rest of the product, a recommendation I followed as I spread the Power Cream all over my favorite red dildo and my pal’s bottom. It did, in fact, stay put admirably. Look ma, no drips! I suppose with a newly-boiled dildo you could just dunk it directly into the container, right?

I’d read some reviews of Power Cream that complained about a burning sensation during buttsex. Neither partner nor myself (I put it through its paces a few days later) felt any burning. My guess is that the users with annoyed bottoms acquired them not from the lube but from too-vigorous butt-play and would have had the same (or worse) results regardless of what lube they used. Two people: small sample size I know, but there you go.

I had no complaints with Power Cream’s lubricative properties either in hand-driving the dildo on my friend or in using it on myself. I would count it as nearly as slippery as Original Pjur, which means that it was more than slippery enough. Partner compared Power Cream’s consistency and effectiveness to Crisco, which in the past he has used for anal purposes. “Only this stuff doesn’t look as gross,” he reported, and I guess this is saying something.²

And the taste. You need to know about the taste. I scooped a microscopic sample out of the jar and onto my tongue while the partner, horrified, looked on. “You are not going to eat that,” he growled.

I have to, I said. It’s for science. Really it wasn’t horrible. While Original Pjur tastes like nothing and feels on the lips like ChapStick, Power Cream tastes…well, a little greasy. Encountering a leftover blob of it during a blowjob wouldn’t be my favorite thing in the world but it also wouldn’t kill the mood. For me. Then again, not even a tornado or impending revolution would kill the mood for me, so perhaps you shouldn’t take my word on this part.

Finally, the real test for me: How does it feel as it dries up? I cringe as gloopy lube dries on my skin. I shudder with revulsion as it forms sticky patches. I hurl as it flakes up. I’m happy to report that Power Cream did none of these things when I rubbed it onto my arm and watched the results. It behaved like really thick lotion, making my skin feel kind of coated but definitely not gross. I approve of this very, very much.

However, Power Cream really can’t replace the holistic usefulness of Original Pjur. Can you shine your leather sofa with Power Cream? Remove peanut butter from a toddler’s hair? Tame flyaway curls? Smooth calluses? You cannot. Will it stop hinges from squeaking? Maybe, but not so well as Original Pjur does. And Power Cream is of very limited usefulness as a massage oil, which is where Original Pjur really shines³.

Bottom⁴ line: If you’re really, really sloppy and you value your carpet more than I do mine, it might be worth your while to invest in a tub of Pjur Power Cream. Otherwise, stick with the original. You will be far happier.

1. I wonder exactly how many total hours of buttsex I have enjoyed? I would need a stopwatch with a split timer to figure this out. Would that be distracting? It is SCIENCEY. [↩]
2. Power Cream is also about a billion times more expensive than Criso but this is not all about the price. Right? [↩]
3. Do you see what I did there? [↩]
4. HA [↩]