“My house is a wreck,” he warned repeatedly, and given the magnitude of bachelor-managed decrepitude I’ve witnessed in the past I was expecting the worst: moldering piles of laundry, towers of paper looming above the bed, reeking catboxes, shoes flung willy-nilly. On the drive there my body didn’t know whether to get turned on or attempt a wholesale disabling of the olfactory nerves, and a text from him once again warning against any white-glove tests1 did nothing to help matters.
If he honestly thought it was that bad or if for some reason known only to him it seemed advantageous to wind me up I’ll never know but I was shocked and not a little relieved to walk through his door without an assault on any of my delicate sensibilities. Clearly Martha Stewart did not live there2 but other than a layer of dust on the shelves of books I could find nothing objectionable — and I looked! “I still have to take a shower,” he said after relieving me of my coat and Ho-To-Go bag. “Why don’t you join me in a few minutes?”
I most surely will, I said, sitting on his bed and admiring the books3 So emboldened was I by the relative order that I called after him So where is it that you keep the porn?
He reappeared, naked, and gestured toward a particularly well-tended shelf. “Oh, and this is the most recent thing I found,” he said, handing me one crisp periodical before heading back to the bathroom. Dear reader, what was placed in my hands was not your typical skin mag filled with silicone and airbrushing and wildly improbably glossiness. Instead it was devoted to images of women who looked not dissimilar to myself engaging in the kind of sex I sincerely hoped to be having in the very near future.
I’d known of course that magazines like this existed but until last night I wasn’t aware of being with anyone who’d actually purchased one. Why should I have been surprised that he had? “What’s between your ears is 80% of what makes you hot. The rest is just the carrier for who you are,” I read in his profile late last year and the boner those two sentences gave me has barely subsided since then.
I can’t think of anything that would have made me feel more welcome.
- He need not have feared; I brought only black gloves [↩]
- She would have disapproved of the activities that took place just an hour later I am sure [↩]
- Tell me I am not the only one who upon entering a house for the first time immediately searches out the books? This may be the only drawback to the inevitable rise of electronic readers: that we can no longer ascertain and demonstrate character by means of book jackets. [↩]
How lovely. That one has potential. Hope you had an amazing time…
If it were still necessary to purchase paper smut, the sort populated with real-looking people is the sort I’d buy. I never have understood the concept of making people look fake.
Oh, hell, yes, I go straight for the bookshelves (and then the movie shelves, if the bookshelves are inadequate).
As a side note, “Ho-To-Go bag” damn near made me spit orange juice on my keyboard this morning.
– PB
it’s kind of an odd response, in some ways, but my first thought was, “oh that’s so sweet!” and ya know, it really was :) hope the rest of your time was, well, less sweet. in a good way.
I always look at the books!
And I bet that Martha Stewart is a fra-eek in bed. ;)
From her time in prison no doubt.
Yes, I go for the books straight away… and if there aren’t any, I know I’m in the wrong house!!
Wisdom is usually found in inverse proportion to sexual potency. Hopefully this one broke the trend line.
Higher wisdom means lesser sexual potency? Rilly?
Awesome!
Great story,very sexy
[Dude. Just don't even. --admin]
Hope your night was as wonderful as it started. Yes, always check out the books.
Of course, I look at the books first thing! And I admit that as I have tried to keep my house from being devoured by old ones, I’ve made decisions on what to keep partially based on the impression I’m trying to give.
I have lots of musician friends, though, and they tend to look first at the case of CDs by the door. As with the problem posed by e-books, that statement of eclectitude would be lost if I limited my listening to downloads and the like.
I’m so old-fashioned. Or maybe just old. I like to have something I can hold in my hand.
Of course, some things I really want to hold in my mouth… or other orifices…
o.g.
You all check books?
I’m in trouble… my books are all nerdy art & history books with a bunch of poetry collections thrown in.
I need to get some more interesting reading material on the shelves.
Hope everything went fabulous.
Can’t wait for the update.
I can’t speak for anyone else, Inferno, but you’d get a lot of points from me for those poetry collections.
o.g.
Here too. :)
I don’t believe you have a reason to worry, Inferno. I think potential paramours would be a lot less interested in your book collection if they thought it staged. Your interest in the subject matter is what matters!
I am just dieing to know the name of the magazine…
I was too busy looking at the pictures!