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I’m getting married in February.We’ve decided against having a traditional wedding and instead we’re going back to his home town to elope at the courthouse (in the presence of two nominated-by-us witnesses). We had originally each chosen a friend to be our witnesses, but the problem I face now is that I no longer want the person I chose to be present. As time has gone on, this ‘friend’ has withdrawn from me and my life. She never returns my calls or rings me up, and I’m lucky if she responds to my text messages. And yet she still expects me to be there for her. I don’t hear from her unless it’s me getting contacting her, and I’m tired of it being a one way friendship.
So my question is this: How do I tell her I don’t want her to be at my wedding any longer, without telling her exactly that and the reasons why? I don’t want to be mean or hurt her feelings, but our friendship isn’t the same as when I asked. If you can help, it would be very much appreciated.
Extra background info:
- We’ve been friends a couple of months short of seven years.
- She was my best friend.
- She’s the only person to be present all times I’ve been tattooed.
If she’s important to you, or was, maybe you might want to take a little extra effort to find out what’s going on with her, prior to writing her out of your wedding. How long has this growing apart been going on?
I agree with Matt. But wedding day IS the bride’s big day, so if you really don’t feel like you want her to stand up for you at the wedding, then tell her your situation has changed and you’re picking someone else. If she persists in wanting to know why, tell her that you don’t feel as close to her as you used to.
honesty is the best policy here. Talking around the problem isn’t going to solve anything, and if she was someone important to you then you need to say something. Be inquisitive, not confrontational and ask her what’s been happening. Did you do something that offended her? Why is she pulling away? Is there something going on in her life that she doesn’t want to share?
If the answer to all of those questions is no, then you need to talk to her about how you feel. Maybe she doesn’t even realize that she’s been treating you differently, she’s just been caught up in work/family/stress of another kind.
Talk to her.
What they all said.
I agree that honesty is the best policy here.
You and your friend should have a sit-down and if she really is your best friend, you can say to her what you’ve said to us.
That you feel like the friendship is ending, she is not contacting you and you feel as though you’ve lost her support. Ask her whats going on, and whether she thinks she still wants to be present for the wedding. You can tell her you’ve been feeling odd about someone you barely talk to now standing up for you at the ceremony. You may be surprised by what she tells you.
There simply is no way to edit someone out of your wedding without being ‘mean’ so-to-speak.
I would select a replacement and then try to call her up to “disinvite” her and explain why. If she doesn’t return the call, a text message would be appropriate.
That’s currently not a friend, that’s someone you once knew.
If she doesn’t return your calls, then it’s a simple matter to leave a message with “want to discuss a change of wedding plans”.
If she does return THAT call, then be honest, tell her you are hurt when she doesn’t return your calls and isn’t there for you, and you feel the friendship is dissolving or becoming one-sided.
In saying you don’t want to hurt her, you are taking all the hurt upon yourself, which isn’t fair to her. She may not return every call/contact, but you are not returning honest feelings. You are controlling the relationship. She may be busy, but you are being dishonest.
Please disclose your feelings. The worst thing that can happen is she doesn’t appreciate your friendship and stops returning your calls–oh wait! ;-) The best thing that can happen is you clear the air and you become closer than you ever were.
Either way, you have a better relationship than you currently have, based upon trust and honesty, honest that you aren’t best friends anymore, or closer than ever.
G’luck!
I’m gonna disagree with Hardin Ready and say that a text message would most CERTAINLY not be appropriate here. Dealing with something personal via text is just not right.
Call, leave messages. If she doesn’t answer leave a voice message explaining that you are needing her to discuss a change in wedding plans. Let her hear your voice at the least.
Be honest. Be brave in the face of this ending even though I am sure it sucks. You will be happier for having done so.
- We’ve been friends a couple of months short of seven years.
- She was my best friend.
- She’s the only person to be present all times I’ve been tattooed.
Either those were bonding experiences or not. If one was, you go the extra mile to find out what’s going on before you write her off. If none were, do what’s easiest for you. Any lack of response on her part gives you the go ahead to do whatever you want.