Jan 042011
An Assfucking Compact
Consider this document advance notice that I, _____________________1, am interested in fucking your ass. I have not come to this conclusion lightly, and I would like you to know that I accept certain facts as given before the assfuckery even begins. To wit, I:
- Acknowledge that buttsex often moves at a speed which would make the progress of glaciers across the frozen tundra seem zippy. I affirm that I will not seek to rush or hurry this process as that way brings only tears.
- Recognize the supreme degree of self-control necessary in performing my main duty, which is to place my cock / finger / sextoy / other2 at the entrance to your ass and then stay still until such a time as you see fit to wiggle back upon it.
- Accept the idea that your ass’s primary function, no matter how well it is trained, cleaned and disciplined beforehand, may not be interrupted by the presence of said cock / finger / sextoy / other; therefore I will not express shock or consternation at any evidence of that primary function. I will not wrinkle my nose, nor make sounds of dismay, nor run overly quickly to the bathroom. Nor shall I raise my eyebrows, no not even a little.
- Agree to provide a great quantity of black or dark-colored towels to be placed beneath your bottom; additionally, such condoms, gloves and other assorted barriers (both standard and non-latex) as may be deemed necessary.
- Vow neither to push in nor pull out, nor engage in any overactive thrusting nor wriggling until such a time as full leave and permission to do so has been granted by you.
- Promise not to whine, complain, grumble or bellyache nor engage in any manner of fuss either verbal or non should the length of time necessary to achieve full ass-access be longer than I’d ideally desire. Not even a single whimper. Nay, not even one.
Would you like this process of mutual exploration and delight to begin? Please check the appropriate box below, affix your signature, and return it at your earliest convenience.
[y][n]________________________ 3
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter, and know that regardless of your response I think you are the most rad of all the super-rad people ever to exist.
Sincerely,
______________________________4
freaking LOVE this!!!
Brilliant!
Nice form. hehehe
Can see this as a Monty Python skit. “Simple form really… Just cross out oil change and put Assfucking where ever it appears. Initial here, here and here. Super! We’ll begin changing the oil right away.”
lol
Forwarding. To. Lover.
I adore this. Most of the time I don’t bother with anal sex because these things seem sooooo hard for people (by which I mean, in this case, men) to understand.
“herefore I will not express shock or consternation at any evidence of that primary function. I will not wrinkle my nose, nor make sounds of dismay, nor run overly quickly to the bathroom. Nor shall I raise my eyebrows, no not even a little.”
Your much better than me – even I, the assbandit that I am, can’t always hide my surprise at the smells. However, I do not make a sound, say a word, or in any other way than a possible nose wrinkle make comment on it. I do realize that shit happens, but she is just a tiny bit smelly at times.
Especially on the nights after a weekend of fried eggplant. Just saying. :)
You are awful. :)
Lol, on the other hand, I really do giggle each and every time Anon farts. And if I can, I fart back. I’m pretty sure I’m a 12 year old boy.
This is Fan-Fucking-tastic! If you Don’t mind I’m stealing this and posting it on my blog and will be using it in the future
Please do not repost it in its entirety. Instead, post a blurb and link back to this site. Thank you!
This is an amazing post. It made me giggle. :)
Hey, AAG, at what point does this document get introduced? After the first date if things are going well, or right before entry?!!
Considering the latter and the sheer wit of the agreement, my ol’ Henry might need that much more time to quit laughing and get down/up to business!
Best regards.
Just hand it over as you invite them to your computer to watch this video:
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/do_you_take_it.htm
(NSFW of course)
Shouldn’t there be a lube codicil? I’m guessing there are no “givens” when it comes to buttsex.
YES! This is fabulous, brilliant and hilarious. My partner and I were in stitches. I adore the way you so elegantly described what amounts to…
‘if there is poop there will be no mention of said poop, please and thank you.’
Methinks that you’ve either seen, or need to see, this video…
Chappelle’s Show – ‘Love’ Contract
Genius!
This is perfect…i may need to print out a few of these and leave them in my nightstand
;)
This is utterly brilliant!
OMG this is priceless! I love it! I will certainly be linking to this in the future!
xo
aag, have you been told lately that you are fantastic? Really, super rad indeed, and funny as hell.
I’ve not been told nearly enough. Clearly I should be told more. :)
Thank you Entelle!
Far more eloquent than I would be about it. I may have a print a few up to hand out to potential suitors ;)