This was first published in July of 2006. I’d forgotten how difficult life was back then. Enjoy? –aag
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*Get up briefly to pee. Go back to sleep for a few minutes.
*Wake up for real, 7am. Change and dress children. Feed children.
*Wrap present for child’s birthday party.
*Realize that there is no caffeine in house. Despair.
*Do mommy-stuff. Unload dishwasher. Fold laundry. Do more laundry. Load dishwasher. Clean up breakfast-ed children.
*Supervise playing children. Break up fight over toy that hasn’t been played with in ages, but now that one child has it, everyone must simultaneously possess it right this very instant.
*Think briefly about eating own breakfast. Do not.
*Pack lunch for child. Load child’s backpack. Attempt to administer much-hated medicine to child, despite protests, screams and much additional drama.
*Sit on child, force medicine down throat.
*Stop baby from eating paper from the floor.
*Stop other baby from dismantling lamp.
*Counsel child that perhaps chasing boys and then tackling them at recess is not such a great idea.
*Husband arrives downstairs, looks at commotion and asks if I “need” him to do anything before he leaves. Raise eyebrows. Stomp off to get dressed.
*Realize that husband has not done a chore that belongs to him–for nearly a week. Feel blood-pressure rise. Contemplate divorce. Contemplate pulling out fingernails (his). Do job myself.
*Wish for a shower. Realize that there is no time. Dress. Brush teeth.
*Attempt to herd cats in preparation for trip to vet. Find one cat.
*Confront husband about undone chore. Listen to lame excuses. Tell husband that I’m taking over the chore because I cannot bear the stress of wondering if he’s done it and then having to do it self.
*Husband slinks out of house, completely emasculated by me. I’m such a bitch.
*Make sure children are not killing each other.
*Attempt to herd other cat. This requires dismantling entire bed. Take opportunity to strip bed and put linens into laundry.
*Gather both cats into carrier. Gather all children into van.
*Realize that bed linens have unbalanced washer. Fix.
*Put all supplies into van. Put mail into box. Put cats, howling, into van.
*Realize that bed linens have unbalanced washer–again. Fix.
*Take child to school. Take cats to vet. Unload babies and cats. Realize that we must look like the clowns coming out of the tiny car at the circus.
*Get into exam room. Take cats out. Realize that one cat has peed, copiously, due to stress. Watch cute vet tech cringe. Sigh inwardly.
*Tech leaves. Baby starts crying. Attempt to wash down pee-stinky cats. Other baby starts crying.
*Finish appointment and head home. Notice horrific odor in van. Realize that cat has peed again.
*Begin unloading mini. Baby is crying. Cats are howling. Child has inexplicably removed both shoes and has poured milk in hair. Clean child. Leave cats in carrier momentarily.
*Check mail. Two notices that I’ve missed certified letters, from the IRS. Break into a cold sweat. Carry rest of mail and a box into the house.
*Attempt to bathe pee-covered cat #1. Half-way through drying-off process, cat escapes and runs into child. Child cries, terrified. Baby cries, terrified.
*Attempt to bathe pee-covered cat #2. P-C cat #2 refuses to come out of box, preferring to hiss, cowering in puddle of piss. Mutter “fine!” to recalcitrant cat.
*Feed baby. Soothe children. Find one lone can of Diet Pepsi. Suck it down in two long pulls in order to ease throbbing head.
*Phone rings three times while stuck on the couch with babies. Find out later that it is 1) mother 2) boss and 3) husband. All of them want something from me. Feel happy that I could not get to the phone.
*Rise from couch. Deposit baby on floor. Deposit other baby next to him. Get scornful look from second baby, who recently has decided that her brother cannot touch her.
*Attempt to bathe other pee-soaked cat. Succeed, but get soaked in the process.
*Look at clock. Realize that it is only 10 am.
*Finally get around to looking at package that came in mail. It’s a box. A suspiciously heavy box. From njoy. It’s the new butt-plug.
*Smile hugely. The day is looking up.
well, it sounded like a day that would suck forever, but just after 10 am you find a stainless steel wonder toy from those good folks with the appropriate company name, so maybe it got better, if only for ten minutes or so…
i can certainly see why you got rid of him – if this was just a typical morning i can imagine how horrid the stressful times with him were. in a better world all cat vets would conduct their practices out of a fully equipped cat hospital van and would see your cats via house calls. the vet techs could then do the herding and the piss washing and stuff like that.
find a baby sitter and go out and have some fun…
Hosing down the cat, kids and hubby is something that comes to mind very quickly. And having a few shots before noon would not be a bad idea either. YIKES!!!
And that my dear is why you were my hero those few years ago when I followed your blog in hopes of getting through my tough times. I’m glad to see you survived and set to be married soon. Good luck and take care. BTW, have you worn out that njoy yet?
Whoa whoa whoa there nellie. Married soon? I don’t *think* so!
Otherwise, thank you! And no, my nJoy is as shiny as the day I got it.