This is a story that reflects poorly — very poorly — upon your humble narrator.
At 10am one Tuesday I languished in a seemingly interminable pre-holiday crush to pay for my groceries. The cashier (as evidenced by her shiny name-tag) was new and had not yet developed the rapid-fire technique of scanning items without painstakingly searching for every barcode.
I was already late and having forgotten my phone in the car I could neither pass the time in perusal of Twitter nor text my friend to say I was running behind. I was therefore in the grip of two powerful and dangerous forces: boredom and crankiness.
My attention was caught by a group of some half-dozen twenty-something men the next register over. Each made his purchase then joined the growing throng laughing and jostling by the bagging carousel. Any objective observer would have called them loud, at least when judged by the noise level usually found in such circumstances. Their cashier must have been as much of a novice as mine because progress, considering how few items each man carried, was equally slow and the longer they waited the louder they got.
Here is the part I’m ashamed to tell. Why are they even here? I thought to myself. They should be working at this time of day. They’re probably spending their welfare checks instead. My eyes went to my own cashier. Her too. Don’t these people ever work?
And then in less time than it took to think the realization of how awful and ridiculous and shameful those thoughts were slapped hot red on my face. My cashier was working, and while the group of men were not at that hour then neither was I. But reason matters little in these circumstances. It is all too easy to allow messages from the past to butt in on the present and as I nosed back over the filthy trail those thoughts had left in my mind I knew they were things I’d heard from my earliest days and which, if I were not careful, would still be voiced at every holiday, every birthday, every family gathering.
This is not how I think of “those people” when I’m rational, but how often is rational thought lost in the rush of barely-acknowledged half-thoughts from the past? I have to imagine that everyone is at least occasionally ambushed by whispers of prejudice learned in the cradle, whispers that all but those who relax most complacently into their own privilege must address if they are ever to grow beyond their own learned classism, racism and every other ugly -ism.
And now having shared this nasty little episode I’m curious: If I’d written more and more vividly in the fourth and fifth paragraphs and less (or not at all) after that, would your opinions about my attitude be altered? Would you reach different conclusions about the kind of person I am?
My guess is that if I’d given you two hundred lovingly detailed words on the awfulness of that group of young men with no hint as to my thoughts around it you would think I was a very bad person indeed. As it stands you may still think I’m a very bad person indeed, but I bet the context makes it just the tiniest bit more interesting.
“The poet takes from life that which is quite particular and individual,
and describes it accurately in its individuality; but in this way he reveals
the whole of human existence…though he appears to be concerned
with the particular, he is actually concerned with
that which is everywhere and at all times.”
–A. Schopenhauer
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Programming Note: I’m still enjoying a little time off here, so expect posting to be light through the holidays IF I COULD EVER SHUT MY BIG FLAPPY MOUTH THAT IS.
I love how you comment on the latest blog issues without ever linking to them at all. ;)
I adore you.
“And now having shared this nasty little episode I’m curious: If I’d written more and more vividly in the fourth and fifth paragraphs and less (or not at all) after that, would your opinions about my attitude be altered?”
I’m amazed you admit any prejudice against men whatever the context.
I do not understand this comment.
My assumption is that you’re being marked as a “feminist” and we all know that “feminists” are men-haters and never have anything nice to say, and so this person is SHOCKED that as a “feminist” (quotations are on purpose), you’re admitting having thought negatively about someone with a penis.
This post is awesome. Well-written, intelligent, and reflective.
Good point. Instead of villainizing an ethnic group, she villainized young men in general. Way to go. Though I’m not sure what she’s got against cashiers.
Um, how did you miss the entire point of the post…?
Troll harder.
No, no I didn’t.
Sigh.
Actually, you did. If you wished to do otherwise, you could have labeled them, “Young adults” or some other gender neutral term. So while you realized the ingrained racist aspect of your thoughts, you failed to address the ingrained misandrist aspect of your thoughts. It is a pretty common occurrence in society and you don’t have to be a feminist to be guilty of it. But since it is socially acceptable, it obviously doesn’t matter. However, I’m not going to pat you on the back for a job half done.
The people at the next register over were men. My cashier was a woman. I was not judging them unfairly due to their gender, which was clearly different, but instead because of their skin color, which was the same.
Condemn me for thinking racist thoughts, but you really can’t make the case for misandry here.
Important note: the “Matt” posting in this thread is NOT “Matthew Keville” from Facebook. Matthew Keville is me, and I do NOT want to be associated with his “What-about-the-menz?” whining.
I wasn’t trying to make a case for deliberate misandry. I was trying to make you aware of the unconscious misandry that was evident to me by your post. I evidentally have a different point of view from most of your readers, which comes as no surprise.
A note to those who have responded to my posts with social shaming tactics or insults – your comments reflect far more poorly upon you then they do upon me.
Neighbor, I could honestly care less what you think of my comment and how you think it reflects on me. You’re a privileged, petulant child standing up for a group that needs no defenders by bravely commenting on a blog post whose topic you have to twist to fit your cause. You’re nobody and you’re nothing. AAG, on the other hand, is someone I like and respect, and I don’t want her to mistake me for you.
Its refreshing to see this spoken. Ive dealt with thoughts like that myself. My family can be extremely racist (my sister, one christmas, announced we should have kept black people – at least ‘the nasty ones’ as she put it, as slaves, and no one but me batted an eye). They enjpy getting me riled up by being racist in front of me. I think its awful, and I hate it. But ive caught myself, in moments of intense frustration, having a thought that distinctly sounds like something my father would say. I hate it, that it happens and pops up, because I feel like its in me, even if I dont think that way. But what can you do after 20 years of conditioning? I try to accept the shittiness of what I thought, and recognize that it isnt me ‘talking’ and move along but it still happens now and then, though less so the farther I get from my family.
Thank you, Wendy. Glad to hear I’m not the only one.
aag,
you are not the only one, and white people do’t hold no monopoly on being racists. ALL different groups of people have shown themselves to be racists over the years. germans. american indians. poles. all slovic people. the lovely citizens of iraq with their history of tribal warfare and genocide. various tribes in northeast africa with their histories of genocide. russians. the list goes on. oh,
i forgot one of the more racist groups in america, the african americans. you can say that they have reason for their anit-white feelings, what with slavery and all. but apologizing for their racism is the same as apologizing the germans for killing 12 or 20 million people who were NOT german, in the classical sense of being german. which is to say NOT jews, NOT gipsies, NOT dwarfs, and so on like that.
it was tribal-based racism that kept the american indians from forming a Continental Defense Army to keep the eurotrash out that cost the red man his rightful nation.
racism sucks, but it is a natural human trait.
now about that matt character. as a great comic once said, you can’t fix stupid. don’t worry about him, and consider not ever replying to his comments.
winston
Maybe you’re looking at this the wrong way around. It may have been bad (though not nearly as bad as others may have thought) to say it, but then again, they were acting like assholes. Perhaps you just pinned your annoyance on the wrong thing.
They weren’t assholes because they were male. They weren’t assholes because you shared the trait of not being at work. In short, they were no more or less asholes because of what you think about them, but assholes because they were acting like, um, assholes.
It should be a capital offense to hold up grocery store lines. Ditto parking crossways in an aisle. Figting for position in the aisles. Writing checks. Waiting to pull out money, checks, or debit cards until after the ring up is complete. Taking forever to put the things away after you pay. And, a host of other things. Grocery stores bring out the worst in people.
But then, what do I know? As you know, I’m a famous asshole.
When we tell a story, the beginning and end of it is of course not limited to the actual words we use; but when we’re doing so in a framework that has a start and a finish (such as a single post, book, novella, or performance) the way that we tell the story will impact what people take away from our words.
Foreshadowing, use of emotion, stating your own response to your thoughts – all of those create deeper understanding of the story’s focus – making it more about your overall experience, rather than the initial responses you talked about to the men & the cashier. Had you not shared anything beyond those feelings – yes, I’d have read it and though “wow, what a prejudiced person this writer is”.
We can only form opinions based on the info we’re given. And on the ‘net, that’s even more problematic than in person.
And next time, I’ll actually wake up fully before I comment – sorry about the typos & poor sentence construction!
I think the most important part here is that you realize that your thoughts were biased and wrong. Everyone has crappy thoughts once in a while, I think. Especially when we are out of sorts. The best we can do is recognize this and correct ourselves.
I answer for my acts and my words, not my thoughts.
I wouldn’t fault you if you chose to stand on the same privilege.
So I am not a reader of SexIs, or a fan of EF, so I wasn’t aware of the controversy surrounding all of this until about 5 minutes ago, when I read this post, and dug around for some clues on your twitter to see what exactly you were referencing.
We all have our less than stellar moments. We all have times where we are judgmental, crass, and petty. And you know what – a private journal is a perfectly fine place to express all these lesser parts of us. But when you publish them, without any more context than an afterthought at the end of the article….what are you trying to say? Why would you publish them in the first place?
I totally agree: we all have moments when what we *think* is not the best thing to speak aloud, write about or in any other way share with others.
You are also right: context means everything. In your example, you provided insight and context and, most importantly, appropriate shame for having such thoughts.
By extreme contrast, what TBK published did NOT provide any indication of shame other than for performing sex acts with an obese man. She did not indicate in ANY way she was shamed for *thinking* such hateful things.
I would think that you especially would see the only reason such a post would be published is draw controversy to TBK and to that site.
Your reaction is much more intelligent than mine, which was fueled purely by the anger the publishing of that article was intended to cause me.
Regardless of all these things, she chose to publish WITHOUT any context and then failed to even make a comment on the article explaining for what exactly she is shamed.
I’m still a fan of yours because of this exact kind of post, but as for her? No way. I don’t buy that she is doing anything but spewing hate language in order to garner support for her “coming out.”
BTW: I’m the one who sent you information about legal matters. Of course, I eventually learned to get the heck away from that company…but in doing so I had to change my name, blog and everything else.
You’re so smart and witty. This makes me love you more.
We ALL make assumptions. We all have hangups. I talk about this around disability, around queer-ness, around cisgenderism. It’s OK as long as young acknowledge it (as in your post), think on it, and don’t let these assumptions out to hurt anyone.
The second you start acting on them, saying them outloud, printing them online where people of size and disability (and people of color, and non-Christians, and teh gheys, etc…whoever they’re about) can see them, now you’re perpetuating hate. And that is NOT ok.
Wow, talk about judging yourself harshly!
Let it go. You only emphasize such things by focusing on them. Supplant those thoughts with other thoughts, and don’t expose young ones to differences at all.
As for judgmental opinions of others, they don’t matter nor should impact your life, just as your opinion should not affect those guys/gals who you witnessed.
As long as you don’t act out, behave inappropriately, vote, or otherwise seek to inhibit their ability to live as comfortably as others, then you can hold yourself in high esteem. Heck, internally you may rail against them, loathe them, be reviled, whatever, but as long as you treat EVERYONE fairly, it’s all good.
Opinions of those who you trust matter, and they would understand that you were raised with different messages than how you are seeking to raise others.
As for what you expressed, I don’t judge it at all, for I haven’t lived your experience, nor have your unique wisdom, it matters not how much you explain, nor how you (or others) might justify it.
This story doesn’t reflect poorly on you IMO, but the fact that you felt this story reflects poorly on says a lot to me.
I wonder if you do not know the even bigger social context here. AAG’s post was a mild comparison to something and she was using it to make a point that wasn’t even about her.
This is probably the best response I’ve seen in regards to what TBK wrote for SexIs. I agree with most of the commenters that we all have things that we were brought up thinking and it’s hard to shake 18+ years of reinforcement! It makes a huge difference when we recognize the thoughts, think about why we’re thinking them and stop them. I’ll just stop and second most of what everyone else said.
To Seraph : Thank you for proving my point. You make an excellent attack dog. Good show.
Also to Seraph : whether for better or worse, ” I don’t want her to mistake me for you.” either.
Seraph and Matt,
I don’t know who you two are or how you know each other. This is not the place for your argument. If it continues I’ll have no choice but to block you both.
Keep to the topic at hand and avoid personal attacks. Thank you!
Sincerely,
The Management
Right. Sorry for getting into a brawl in your space. For the record, Matt and I have never met (that I know of), I just…have you ever made yourself look bad because you were afraid someone else was making you look bad?
Feel free to delete my posts, if you wish. I am now embarrassed by them.
As for the topic at hand, I actually think it’s a good thing that you’re ashamed. Not because what you did was so terrible. Quite the opposite. You see, I believe that racism is the American Original Sin: our nation was founded on it, all of our greatest crimes as a people have arisen from it, and all of our souls are stained with it. The only question is whether you embrace that Sin or resist it. Your shame means that you’re mindful of your own attitudes, and you recognize that they’re wrong and hurtful – that you resist it, even after being raised to embrace it. I wouldn’t go so far as to say be proud of your shame, but you can take it as a good sign. And by sharing your story with all of us, we’ve all been given a nice lesson in mindfulness. How many people really examine their thoughts when they’re in a hurry and annoyed?
But now your shame has served its purpose, and you should really let it go. Until next time, of course.
AAG, I think it is pretty clear to see I was not trying to have a fight when Seraph attacked me twice without provocation. However, If you think I was out of line, then I apologize. It is all much better when everyone behaves in a civil manner, regardless of the difference of opinion.
The difference between those of us who voice our ___ist thoughts and those who fight prejudice is not that we never have these thoughts, but that we check ourselves, and recognize our privilege, and refuse to buy in to stereotypes. It also helps to stand against prejudice in public if it is displayed.
People will occasionally fit a certain stereotype, but that doesn’t make stereotypes correct.
To quote everyone’s least favorite Oregon mayor, Sam Adams:
“Actions by one member of any group does not and should not be generalized or applied more widely to other members of that same group. Otherwise, as the biggest racial group in Portland, we European-Americans would be in deep trouble.”
I agree completely with this post.
Thank you for this post. I work in the affordable housing industry and have to fight the urge towards racism every day. I once smuggly thought I was above racism because although I was raised in rural Indiana, by a father and a family who prescribed to every ism ever propagated in this country, I gracefully accepted my sister’s choice of an African American husband. That meant I was not a racist, right?
One day, I was at lunch with a client at a chinese restaurant. Two elderly African American ladies sat down at the table across from us and I MOVED MY PURSE. Away from them. In the millisecond that followed, I was horrified to realize what I had done.
In retrospect, I realized, as one of your commenters noted, that the action in itself was only a product of my upbringing and didn’t mean that I prescribed to those beliefs myself. I actually noticed what I did and was appropriately horrified.
Good for you, for putting it so eloquently into words.
Betty
To be honest, I did not really get the racial overtones in this redacted version of events. My impression was different. And I realize now, that I can also be discriminated against because of my gender and race. Thank you Seraph for making that completely clear to me. Also thank you to AAG, you’ve always provided a forum for different opinions, that are expressed without rancor. Happy New year everyone!
While I applaud your effort to hold yourself accountable for your thoughts, I would suggest that you delve a little deeper into why it is you have these ingrained prejudices in the first place and I would suggest that you deconstruct them further. Just because they only show themselves when you’ve been stressed or upset, doesn’t mean that is the only time they exist. Deconstructing our personal prejudices is very difficult, and part of what I think may help is that rather than beating around the bush, that you come out and say what it is you were thinking. I noticed in your post that you did not mention race or racism once. You only did so in the comments later, and in your comments, you sounded as thought you meant for this absence to communicate a more universal feeling. For me, it did no such thing. It made me feel like you simply didn’t want to admit that it was racism.
I really do think it’s a great thing that you wrote this post, because it gives you a chance to dialogue with the people who read your blog every day. I’m one of those people. I also happen to major in ethnic studies, so believe me when I say I understand the pain you went through in identifying that moment of racism and the shame you felt at knowing this thought originated from your mind. But the shame is good: it shows us that we must strive to better ourselves. I hope that the next time you reflect on this incident, you reflect not only on what you thought of “those people” in that instant, but how you treat “those people” every day, and how those unseen thoughts and prejudices may affect that. I know that shame may come in the way of constructive dialogue and discourse, but I would really urge you to unpack these feelings.
It was racism. But you are correct that I wanted the post to be applicable to any -ism.
This is such an interesting post. Being aware of what inspired this, I think you make a great point about writing but even to those who are not aware, you make an interesting point about our prejudices, no matter how unintentional they may be. Of course, some of the commenters have focused on the second point, likely because they are not familiar with what prompted this, and I almost feel bad for them because they have missed a point. At first, I wanted to reply to all them to tell them that they missed “the” point but it’s a bit rigid of me to think that there can only be one.
I may have missed something, too, though. I did not see racist overtones. I assumed you were being ageist or perhaps even classist in your prejudice against “those people.” Or perhaps annoyed by a group of people who were, indeed, being assholes–as another person suggested.