“Would you consider being in a relationship with someone who has had homosexual sex?” asks one of the personality profile questions on a dating site I sometimes use and every time — I mean every single time — I’ve read through a prospective partner’s answers I’ve seen a big fat NO in the box.
Interesting, I’ve always thought. He’s not into girls who have sex with other girls. I used to think that was kind of strange, but considering the magnitude of strange I’ve seen lo these many years this hardly even rates.
What surprises me, however, is when I delve deeper into the questions I find that the same men who answer NO to the above question answer YES to this question: “Would you date someone who is bisexual?” Yes, they say. Yes they would date someone who is bisexual, but no they would not be in a relationship with someone who has had homosexual sex.
Whut?
Is reading comprehension lacking to the point that people don’t get that when bisexual people have sex with other people of their same gender they are having homosexual sex? Do they not understand this?
Or is there some fine distinction I’ve heretofore missed between bisexual and homosexual sex? If there is, I surely do wish someone would explain it to me.
Or do they think that bisexual people don’t have sex at all?
Is there some other explanation? What do you make of it?
I read a study earlier this year that asked identical questions (about same sex marriage, adoption by same sex couples, and other such issues) except for using the terms “homosexual” vs. “gay”. Questions using the term gay got higher levels of acceptance.
Like the term gay is somehow less offensive than homosexual even though it means THE EXACT SAME THING. Sometimes I wonder if this is because of how the religious right tends to refer to everything gay or same sex as HOMOSEXUAL like it’s that horrifying incident we only discuss in hushed terms at family dinners.
Anyway, I don’t know if that has anything to do with what’s going on with these doofuses (doofii?), but certainly their internal consistency is waaaaaay off.
I think what ArchDiva said above is right, it’s the association that alot of people have with the word Homosexual, it doesn’t make sense but then alot of people have triggers that certain words can cause an unhappy reaction.
Another possibility: Alot of guys associate the term Bisexuality with 3somes. I used to refer to myself as bi, and nearly every guy I told, mentioned that they would love to be in a 3some with me and a hot chick. *sighs* and couldn’t understand when I told them that I wasn’t interested in 3somes.
I think probably a lot of them think ‘homosexuals’ are only referring to gay men, and lesbians and bisexual women are not. They think “homosexuals? but I’m not gay, so no.”
This might explain some of the wha? factor.
Other than that possibility, I think Archdiva is right on there.
I think some men think ‘homosexual’ sex refers to women who are actually sincerely interested in other woman and probably deep-down don’t want to have sex with men. Whereas ‘bisexual’ means women who are actually into men but have sex with women as teases or to feed into their male fantasy . As in, they’re not ACTUALLY into it and they will always need men. These men wish to feel needed as a priority, but like the idea of a sexually ‘adventurous’ woman. I say this because I’ve heard it in discussion too.
It seems to be either/or in some people’s mind. I’m not sure why these people think it’s not possible to actually feel sincerely interested in both sexes, but then isn’t that the classic issue for bisexuals being accepted in both gay and straight communities?
I wonder if it’s not that many (straight) men think of homosexual sex as two men having sex versus two women, because that would be their fantasy if this was their belief.
I realize that what I said might be controversial. I think there is a large number of the population that may fall into the above category, especially in the bible belt.
As in they wouldn’t want to be considered to be doing anything remotely “gay” in order to be okay with their belief system, as whacked as it is.
When they read the word “homosexual” it comes off as too non-inclusive. As in, they don’t get to be the meat in that sandwich and feel left out and threatened. “Homosexual” means “no boys allowed.” “Bisexual” means “opportunity to make my wildest dream come true.”
What she said.
Now I took their responses differently. Sure they’ll DATE someone who has bisexual sex because, as mentioned above, whoopee threesomes I can write to Penthouse yay! But they wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had homosexual sex because once they get serious about that person they don’t want any shenanigans, everything has to be straight up Leave It To Beaver….er, Father Knows Best?
I think it could be dating vs. relationship that causes the disparity rather than homosexual vs. bisexual.
If you date someone, aren’t you in a relationship with them?
It depends. I have dated people I wouldn’t consider myself to have been “in a relationship” with. And then I have gone on one date with some people and considered us to be a couple (by mutual agreement). So, it depends. You can date someone and not be “in a relationship” with them… But then, honestly, it comes down to what you mean by relationship, because even people you consider to be just friends are “in a relationship” with you. It’s a FRIENDship, but it’s still a relationship. Any time you RELATE to another person, it’s a relationship. So there’s levels of relationship… Friendship, casual, serious… So perhaps they see dating as being a casual relationship and they see the word serious in parentheses in the phrase “in a relationship.”
“Relationship” is one of those slippery words. I tend to take the broadest possible interpretation. I am in a relationship with my plumber, and the mail carrier, and my kids’ doctor.
Not a romantic relationship (though there are days when I’d dearly love to hatefuck the plumber) but a relationship nonetheless.
“I have dated people I wouldn’t consider myself to have been ‘in a relationship’ with.
Now I’m going to be confused as to what people mean by the word “date”…
It’s a general phenomenon.
A female comic (forget who, sorry) explains that her parents are OK with her not believing in god, but were aghast when she finally told them that she is an…ATHEIST!
Political pollsters consistently find people who support government programs to help the poor, but are opposed to welfare. (fivethirtyeight.com reports this and similar examples.)
“Haven’t you heard, it’s a battle of words”, the poster-bearer cried.
–Roger Waters
Silly AAG! Don’t you know that bi chicks do it with other chicks for the express purpose of sexually stimulating men, while women engaging in homosexual acts with other, you know, women, are deliberately defying the patriarchal social paradigm of dominance and oppression? The first one is good in that it serves the patriarchy and enforces the precept of women as existing and valued solely through their service to male sexuality. The second one is BAD-BAD-BAD in that these homosexual women are contesting their natural role, refusing to conform to the fact that woman was fundamentally created to be sexually available to man, noncompliant to the dictates of our androcentric norm, and defiant to God.
I <3 you.
Its coz homosexual, to a straight guy, means ‘two or more penises’ and that is totally GAY and WRONG and BAD and OMG I DON”T DO THAT RUN AWAY. But ‘bisexual’ means ‘girl who will have sex with another girl while I watch, coz thats totally what that word means, for real’
It’s a completely opposite reaction when it comes to women. I just participated in a poll on a message board I’m on asking the women if they’d ever date or marry a bisexual man. The response was an emphatic NO from almost everyone. Some people said they’d be afraid he’d leave them for a man, some said they didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t make up his mind, some just said, “No no no! Never!”
I was shocked at the response. I guess it reflects the attitude that bisexual men are really just gay and haven’t admitted it yet (the “Bi is a pit stop on the way to gay” theory), that bisexuals will jump anyone and anything and aren’t able to commit, or that male-male sex is “icky.”
I am bisexual. My husband is bisexual. We are married and I have no fear whatsoever of him cheating on me, whether with a man or a woman. I am completely secure in our commitment. The fact that we’re both attracted to both women and men doesn’t change the fact that we are married and we love each other.
“I just participated in a poll on a message board I’m on asking the women if they’d ever date or marry a bisexual man. The response was an emphatic NO from almost everyone.”
Mwahaha–more bisexual men for me! :D
Heh, that is always my response to that situation. “What? Other women think this is weird or gross? More for me! Bi-boy pile!”
I am confused by this…are their straight husbands not straight anymore after they get married, therefore they are not attracted to any more women after the “magic fidelity day”?
if not, they why the fear of bisexual husbands running off with men?
i…don’t…get…people
(p.s. my husband is bi…i am bi…but i also don’t expect/promote sexual fidelity, so its a bit different)
Maybe they are truly open minded but draw the line at sex with cave men…
That’s right… I am suggesting that these guys are against Homo erectus sex and just aren’t bright enough to know the difference…
(kinda sounds a LOT more gay than homosexual)…
My first wife was bisexual with a strong preference towards women and since we had what most would consider an open marriage for about 15 of our 17 years she had a few long term female partners.
When young it was hard for her because bisexuals didn’t fit in anyplace, but as the 90′s hit it fell into vogue for women to be bisexual.
Sometimes she would hang out with what she called “wanna Bi’s.”
Girls who liked to play with other girls (have sex, but not interested in a relationship)
Every once and a while those women happened to be married or had boyfriends.
Those men thought it great and often a huge turn on that their girlfriend or wife had been seduced and or had sex with another women.
Then those guys would find out that my wife was bisexual in a way they didn’t understand.
They learned that she had long term relationships with other women that went beyond just sex.
They learned she had long term live together, share the bills, full on love relationships with other women.
Some of those men freaked out. They would put their foot down and put a stop to it. They didn’t want their wife/girlfriend hanging out with some lesbian that would convert them.
The hot bisexual chick became a dangerous lesbian.
It seems some people consider bisexual to be straight except for sexy play. Anything beyond that is homosexual and homosexual = bad to those people.
I was going to say that maybe they all misread bisexual as bicycle, and didn’t want to date someone who had that particular hobby. Go figure.
Then I read all the more sensible replies above and decided that comedy possibly wasn’t the way to go. Particularly as it was pretty crap comedy.
Although I believe that in Mexico, (if the profanity I learned in the bed of a gorgeous Mexican is correct and he wasn’t just leading me a merry dance) the word bicycletto is slang for bisexual, so maybe I’m actually on the right track?
Not that bad comedy – made me smile, anyway. In the UK, referring to a woman as a ‘bicycle’ doesn’t say anything about her sexual preference, but it does imply that “everyone’s had a ride”…
I think in many “straight” men’s minds the word “homosexual” refers to male/male sex because you know, they are hopelessly gay. However in their mind they also think that a queer woman is just a woman who hasn’t had the pleasure of his dick yet or she’d be converted. Some men think all women are bisexual but men are either straight or gay.
Maybe in their fantasy world, eh?
I agree with Circe. If a woman has bisexual sex with another woman, that’s totally different from having homosexual sex with another woman! :P