Your vagina almost broke my hand last night, I told her. One day I fully expect to feel, mid-fist in-thrust, a metacarpal’s soft crunch. I can hardly type today.

“If you kept your hand out of me you wouldn’t have that problem,” she said.

Do you really want that, I asked.

“Not at all!” she was quick to reply.

In the days after a party I endure a hand throbby from too much fisting, a knee swollen and black from a mid-sex nightstand collision, a delicate flower1 raspy and annoyed from too vigorous toy usage and an elbow contused from, well, I don’t know what. Also, I may have misplaced my panties as I’m fairly certain I left the house wearing them but came home without. Huh.

Will any of this stop me from going and participating as fully as I can? Not bloody likely.

———

*It’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

  1. my vagina []
 

Especially for pleasure seekers and curious adventurers, Fascinations is the sex positive, educational and innovative retailer that empowers sexual satisfaction. From our large selection of toys, lubes, DVDs, books and more to our free sexuality education articles and workshops, Fascinations is sure to help you discover and celebrate sexuality. Accessorize your love life at FunLove.com.

Happy Cyber Monday! Please head on over to FunLove.com to get 15% off your ENTIRE purchase, today only.  Not only that, but for every $50 you spend, you’ll get a $5 gift card. Spend $100, get a $10 gift card, and so on. Why not stock up on DVDs, educational books, stocking stuffers, cute lingerie and more while the savings are fantastic?

Once you’re done shopping at Fascinations and realize how important sexual health, wellness and pleasure is for everyone, make sure you head on over and support Scarleteen.com, who provides such an important service in sexuality education to our community. Why not donate in someone’s name for their holiday present – it’s the gift that keeps on giving!

Nov 292010
 

“You’re like a solid character actor,” he once said to me during a discussion of how we both so often play the supporting role once the clothes come off. “You’re the side-kick who really makes the show, and when you think back on all the good things you’ve seen over the years you think, yeah, that guy was in it.”

And which actor would that be? I asked. I suppose I was hoping for an answer like Alyson Hannigan or Janeane Garaffolo or Jewel Staite or even, you know, Sandy Cheeks.

Brian Dennehy,” he said. “You’re just like Brian Dennehy.”

Well, I sputtered. You are too.

Whether I like being compared to a barrel-chested silver-haired old dude or not one cannot deny the fact that the most recent party only really got rolling when the two of us grabbed appropriate partners, stripped them bare and dove in. We quickly drew a crowd, but being a good little worker bee I put down my head and concentrated on the task at hand. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my friend similarly engaged and it crossed my mind that there we were just like he said, two industrious Brian Denneheys doing our part to carry the show. “How’s it going over there, Brian?” he chose that moment to ask, and my partner enjoyed (or didn’t) the feeling of me laughing all over his cock.

So pervasive is the Brian Dennehy role that I’m rarely on the sidelines but on the sidelines I ended up later that night. I was somewhat shocked at the view, or rather the vividness of the view. I could see everything, absolutely everything, and you may be suitably amused that this only occurred to me now after years of attending parties and (more importantly) being in a position to have all my bits on vivid display to any and all observers. Is it polite to look, I whispered to my fellow Brian Dennehy, also briefly sidelined.

“Of course it’s polite to look,” he said, looking intently.

But where? I asked. Is it okay to look at it straight on, or should you sneak a quick peek?

“Would you shut up?” he hissed, and as I am left with no decisive answer I bring the question to you. When Brian Dennehy ends up on the sidelines, is it appropriate for him to watch the action unabashedly or should he just glance and then look away, like observing the sun?

Thoughts? Brian Dennehy needs to know.

 

Nov 242010
 

“Sometimes I sensed that the books I read in rapid succession had set up some sort of murmur among themselves, transforming my head into an orchestra pit where different musical instruments sounded out, and I would realize that I could endure this life because of these musicales going on in my head.”
Orhan Pamuk

Nov 242010
 

I wish all my USian readers a very happy Thanksgiving.

Posting will be light1 through the weekend as I cook, eat and party like the aging mommyish rockstar that I am — in other words, not very hard.

In fact, considering the ridonkulous cold that’s flattened me for the past week my partying might mostly consist of  reading (and rereading) because that is how we stuffed-up aging mommyish rockstars roll.

Enjoy your holiday!

  1. or possibly non-existent []
 

Epiphora, who is a stunningly kind person no matter what the goons, dullards, sycophants, toadies, hangers-on, sock-puppets and other assorted flunkies at EF would have you believe, recently brought to my attention this new toy:

Which I immediately purchased and not just because it’s from Wahl and rechargeable. I also purchased it because it is a bargain at only eighty-six cents an ounce. Wait, what? An ounce?

As a longtime veteran of evaluating groceries based on this metric I’m delighted to do the same for my intimate items. Let’s see how our other favorites stack up, shall we? The regular Wahl will run you but 43 cents an ounce. In comparison the classic Hitachi is pricey at $2.14. The Cone runs a ridonkulous $5.12 per ounce. Lelo’s Liv is an exorbitant $16.25 per ounce, which is coincidentally the same price as this classy number.

Isn’t your orgasm worth eighty-six cents an ounce?

This is it, folks. From here on out I’m only buying sextoys based on their per-ounce value.

 

My friend declined the invitation because he had to work. “You don’t know how badly I want to be there,” he moaned.

I can probably guess, I responded.

“But I cannot turn down work these days. Money’s just too tight.”

Next time, I assured him. Surely this won’t be my last orgy. Not that I felt too terrible for his situation as his job involves tip-based vending at a big-city venue; on the night in question the event was an exhibition football game wherein the players — ladies, all — wore lingerie.

The morning afterward I asked how it went. “Well,” he said. “I’ve mentioned to you before that I talk to the fans while I’m working, right? And that when I tell really good stories it increases my sales?”

It took me less than half a beat to realize what he meant. Oh no, I said. You didn’t.

He assured me that he had.

And were the fans sympathetic to your plight?

“Very,” he said. “It’s the most money I’ve earned in quite some time.”

My friends, we live in a troubled economy indeed when people must decline orgy invitations then use that information to garner extra tips. A troubled economy indeed.

 

The fine folks behind PinpointsX bought a little ad-space on this site and asked me at the same time to take a peek at their product. I really can’t, I demurred, as I don’t have an iPhone. It doesn’t work on the Blackberry, does it?

“Doesn’t everyone have an iPhone?” they asked.

Alas they do not, so I can only imagine the joy of roaming about my fair city looking for hookups with my iPhone (or Droid) held in front of my face like an electronic sex-dowsing rod. Believe me: I can imagine it. It’s just too bad I can’t do it.

I can, however, take advantage of the web-based version of the product and on a chilly November afternoon I did just that. Registration is dead simple. You fill out a few questions, upload a photo, click a link in a verification email and immediately you can start browsing.

I was annoyed to find that one of non-optional registration questions is “weight.” I can’t imagine many folks who’d be thrilled to answer that. Moreover, the number on the scale all by itself could not be any less of an indicator of compatibility. Later you can specify a body type but this is only visible if a user clicks over to your full profile. In the initial map view only height and weight show up. My opinion? This should be reversed. Body shape should be required. Weight should be optional.

In the full profile you’re also given the chance to make some selections about what you’re looking for (one-on-one sex, group sex, discreet relationship) and a smallish handful of fetishes such as fisting1, cross-dressing, leather and the like. There’s no way to write so much as a paragraph describing what you’re looking for. Just fill in the check-boxes and hope for the best.

With no Blackberry app I was limited to arm-chair browsing. Using the location I provided at sign-up (and which can be changed anytime) the system organized other members in my area onto a map from which I could view a few details of their profiles and send messages.

If you have the right phone, download the app (it appears to be free) and log in. Your phone’s GPS will locate other members in your area, placing them on a map along with a pop-up view of their basic information. See someone interesting? Click a button to send them a message. If they don’t respond, I suppose you could follow them around town without their ever knowing, vividly demonstrating the ever-thinning line between “interest” and “stalking.” View a demo of the whole process here.

If the free version’s not enough for you, choose one of three levels of enhanced packages ranging from a one-month option for $24.99 to a year-long option for $99.90. What do you get with a paid membership? Gosh, I wish I could tell you. Here’s what the site says: “full access and privileges with PinpointsX® cellular (mobile) application and correlative complementary adult-social-networking website.” What does this mean? Is it worth nearly a hundred bucks for a year? I’m just not sure.

According to the map, no more than a tiny handful of men use the service within an hour’s drive of my house — an area of some half-million souls. It’s possible that PinpointsX will catch on in my region, but until it does it would be a frustrating proposition to try locating a partner this way.

If I lived in a more densely populated area I’m still not sure I’d use PinpointsX. The last thing I’d want as I picked up my dry cleaning and shopped at the market would be a fleet of horny men trailing along in my wake.

I guess I’d just turn the service off unless I was properly primped and fresh in my ladybits — but even then would I dare to venture out exposed thusly? I just can’t picture it. Even in my most debauched fantasies I engage in significantly more screening than what’s allowed by PinpointsX. The idea of finding a man on a map and meeting him five minutes later is such a terrifying prospect that it makes my clit shrink up into my body.

Surely there are people for whom this kind of matchmaking is enticing. Does it entice you? Tell me in the comments below.

——

PinpointsX | Facebook | Twitter

[edit: A note from the company president --

There are several security methods to protect members and prevent stalkers:

1.       When opening the app you will be asked if you want to use you GPS- the GPS system is optional for those who want to display their exact location. However, even with the GPS we've enabled a scrambling mechanism so that the location coordinates are constantly changing within a certain range of an area. This means their location cannot be determined accurately.

2.       Users can also set their location manually, which allows them to insert any location they want and view a map of that location.

3.       A 'hidden' mode is also available for users who do not want to display their location to anyone, thus being invisible on the map.

4.       A blocking mechanism has also been created to prevent any unwanted users from contacting or viewing that user; when blocking someone, that person will NOT be able to see you anymore

The user is in total control of where they want their location to be set on the map, whether through GPS, inserting any address, or scrolling down the map and placing them on a certain spot. The concept is quite simple – we wanted to provide a sensual map with all the erotic scene around you wherever you go, so besides singles or couples, you can find adult shops, bars, clubs, restaurants, massage parlors, BDSM clubs and swingers parties. All of these businesses are represented by a contact person that has joined PinPointsX , and not just listed like in a directory.]

  1. Hooray for fisting! []
 

A final roundup of all our Scarleteen Blog Carnival participants1 . THANK YOU to those who wrote, donated, tweeted, Facebooked and otherwise spread the word, and if you’d still like to donate, please do!

  1. Please let me know if you see any corrections or additions! []

Find Me Here



Receive Updates Via Email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner