Welcome to our first entry in the Blogger Anonymity Project, or AAG’s Home for Wayward Bloggers. Have a read and then share your opinions in the comments. Want to submit a piece of your own? Read about it here. –aag
I’m a 37 year old single lesbian who’s 10 year marriage ended a little over 9 months ago. This was not by my choice but I was forced to rethink my life and what I expected out of it. My ex had clearly moved on, there was no convincing her, so I got out and started meeting people. Oh I forgot to mention, that was nearly 10 years of no sex and nope, not once did I even think about cheating. She did apparently as that’s why she left.
Before we broke up, I had met a friend of a friend and we had already started conversing, friends on Facebook, the whole new era friendship thing. After my ex and I broke up, the flirting began. I hadn’t done this in years, 10 to be exact and we were hot and heavy. Folks on FB telling us to get a room, sexting. I finally stepped outside my proverbial box and just told her I thought she was hot and I wanted to sleep with her. Way outta character for me. She of course, no dummy drew some boundaries for us and we just continued flirting and having fun never expecting to jump in the sack together…Riiiiggghhhhhttttt.
Now a little more background. Before my divorce I had never once in all of my 37 years masturbated. I know, take a moment, catch your breath, get a paper bag if you need to. Didn’t even own a little bullet vibe (rest easy, I now own two and a Hitachi). I had however slept with men (before I came out) and enough women to get the anatomy a little.
Back to the new girl. I went from a sexless marriage to dating a sex outlaw. I was doing things I never thought I’d do. I even strapped on a dildo (the new girl is bisexual). And then we started going to women’s sex parties. I did mention that I had been in a sexless marriage right? And prior to my marriage ending I had been a serial monogamist. I had been involved with a threesome once and I was way drunk and barely 20. The first sex party was enlightening to say the least. The Proprietor of the establishment is a sex activist and very good at what she does. I am a social butterfly and I had never seen a butterfly work the room quite like she did. I was fascinated. And left with the overwhelming desire to return.
After the first party the new girlfriend stepped things up for us and bought a set of restraints to test out the new revelations I had from the first party. We decided with all of the fun we were having a second women’s party was definitely in our future. Next month we returned. Again the Proprietor was a professional. At the getting to know you portion of the evening we were tossing around a dildo from one to the other to learn something about each of us. One poor girl verbalized she couldn’t orgasm in public. I’m sure you can guess what came next…the Proprietor’s first order of business was to pull her aside yet close enough to the group and have a go at her. And go she did and go. Well needless to say, the young lady can now orgasm in public.
She *picked* on me next and the new girlfriend just happened to pack the restraints <wink> and needless to say she had her go on me and go and go she did. The Proprietor was going from one woman to the next helping each one work their way into the party comfortably. We noticed at this event there were more first timers and women who had never been with women before. And for the most part I was relieved to just massage and visit with them. The party was definitely slower than the previous and I guess the Proprietor was feeling especially feisty that night so she came up behind me and started caressing my breasts. This woman has a presence. She plays both roles in BDSM. She’s a very successful top. She’s intimidating. So already I’m pretty worked up just by this touch (and apparently my love language is physical touch, something just happens to me when someone touches me and I’m attracted to them). She took it to another level though and started spanking me, yes, my first spanking since I was 4 years old.
The Proprietor and I have corresponded via email, *flirted* on Twitter and we’ve since been to our third party. I’m completely taken by this person. No I’m not *in love*. I could never be in an intimate relationship with this person even if we were both available, which we are not. Her relationship with her fiancee’ is clearly open as mine with the new girlfriend is as well, but I cannot get this woman off my mind. She intimidates the hell out of me. Frightens me beyond belief. Terrifies me to no end with what she could do to me. My new girlfriend knows most of this, with the exception that I can’t get her out of my head (which is why I can’t blog this on my blog). She’s even corresponded via email with The Proprietor encouraging her to take advantage of me. This just adds to the level of my trepidation.
Now I can’t figure out, am I cheating on my girlfriend even though we have an open relationship and I’m not in love with this person? Do I need to stop going to the parties and remove myself from being in her presence, because now I crave her? We’re going to our first co-ed event next weekend and we already have plans for the October women’s party. I’m joining her Lounge next month too and will no longer be attending as my girlfriend’s guest. Should I rethink this? Or is this normal? Do people in open relationships often fantasize about others that they play with? The real potential is too that nothing will even happen at these parties because they are well attended and she has all of her clients to attend to. That’s all I am, a client, and I know this in my head and I still go with the hopes that something will occur. It’s like the Kylie Minogue song:
I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy your loving is all I think about
I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about
Am I addicted to the potential for sex? 9 months ago if you’d asked me what sex was, I’d have failed the test.
Thanks for the forum.
–Dagda Tattle
Readers, Dagda is keen for feedback so do share in the comments below!
“Now I can’t figure out, am I cheating on my girlfriend even though we have an open relationship and I’m not in love with this person?”
If your gf has emailed them encouraging them to play with you, I think you’re ok. :)
“Do I need to stop going to the parties and remove myself from being in her presence, because now I crave her?”
I dunno where you live, but if the local scene is small, it might not be worth it to stop going entirely. BDSM seems to be a small world, and you need to learn how to interact with people who might become anything from crushes to exes without annoying them or hurting yourself.
That said, some distance can help. Skipping one party, or taking some time to yourself to do something you really like away from your gf *and* the Proprietor can create distance and perspective.
“Do people in open relationships often fantasize about others that they play with?”
I’d hazard that would be “yes”. ;)
It sounds like you’re a little frightened by the fact that you can’t stop thinking about the Proprietor. Some people, I’ve found, just have a fascination about them. You’ve made her sound wonderfully dangerous, so it’s no wonder she sticks in your mind!
“I could never be in an intimate relationship with this person even if we were both available, which we are not. Her relationship with her fiancee’ is clearly open as mine with the new girlfriend is as well, but I cannot get this woman off my mind.”
I don’t understand this part. Why *can’t* you play with her, even though you’re not in love? What does “open” mean to you? Why don’t you ask her if you can play–in a way suited to your experience levels and boundaries. If she says no, you can move on. If she says yes, you will have found a way to clear away the tension and the mystery that are causing you so much anxiety!
Honesty is the key. Talking to your partner may be difficult, but not as difficult as possible repercussions of not talking. And talking with your partner will help you discover your own feelings.
It sounds like, from what you’ve said, that you have crossed an enormous desert, and your first drink of water, was your girlfriend, and your second drink was of the wine of the Proprietor. Even though you drank before the desert, partaking too much now when you may not be emotionally ready for it can cause you problems. This is why I really like what Molly says about taking some time to yourself, and putting some healthy distance between you and the Proprietor, and perhaps your girlfriend too.
I would call what you’re feeling for the Proprietor “infatuation.” In all honesty, I feel like infatuations are part of a healthy sex life. Some of our fantasies and infatuations are nice just to keep to ourselves, some we share. But how do you know if you should tell her or not? Rule of thumb I always tell my children: “If you feel like you have to hide it, then there is something wrong with doing it in the first place.” I want them to be transparent with me. I believe every relationship, no matter how closed or open, needs that transparency. I so dislike the burden of “what if they find out.” That’s my personality though, so take that addendum for what it is.
By hide, I mean secretive to the point of feeling guilt. I expect that some things should be done in private. I appreciate their sexuality, but I dun wanna watch’em. What they are doing is natural, so I don’t want them to feel guilty or wrong for doing it. The same is true in your case.
I think it would be good to tell her at least in this instance, because of the part she plays. Gauge her reaction. See if she realizes the effect her efforts are having upon you. Is it what she wants? Is it what you want? Go from there. Don’t live in guilt, or fear. The last place you need to walk on egg shells in this new relationship where you’re finally getting to drink again.
It sounds like your beginning to play with Sub/Dom roles. Who knows maybe you want to be dominated by this woman. Set some ground rules like; You’re current gf is OK with it (that’s just respectful to your partner), and an understanding with The Proprietor that anything you do is experimentation not love, you are still discovering what your sexual tastes are and any limit you set is to be respected. That way you know that as you venture in to uncharted territory you can, if uncomfortable, stop without feeling guilty or inexperienced. You have created a framework in which you can discover new things. If someone is eats only PB&J their entire life they’re not going to like all of the new food they try, but how do you know unless you try it. If it truly repulses you, then don’t. For me that’s feet. Feet gross me out, I’ve never tried anything foot related nor will I. If my partner asks for a foot rub or something I simply tell them that I do not do that and why. It’s never once been an issue.
If your gf becomes uncomfortable with the arrangement (or vice versa) then you stop. Also be prepared for her to venture out. You just have to know the potential consequences to a relationship and decide if another sexual partner can be accepted. Going to parties is a different thing, that’s a decision you make together.
Then again I am a fat guy who doesn’t get laid too often so I could be completely full of shit. If AAG and the others who are more worldly that I tell you to ignore me, Feel free to do so.
I know zero about anything but serial monogomy, but perhaps you’re just fascinated because you haven’t been with her yet. Your world is opening up and you are exploring your boundries, and you’re drinking it all in. Maybe if you do play with her, things will settle a bit.
Welcome to the wonderful world of NRE: New Relationship Energy!
First, talk to your girlfriend!! Don’t hide these feelings from her. These are pretty powerful emotions and hiding them only makes things more intense on some level. Plus, in an open relationship you have to be honest and communicative. Nothing is a harbinger of doom like not talking snout something. Just remember to also reassure your gf that you don’t want to lose her or leave her.
Second, as a submissive I can tell you that the first taste of being topped is some heady stuff. The bliss of letting go and giving up control is just…well, it’s BLISS! It is normal to want that and fear it in equal parts. It is normal to feel a great infatuation for the person who takes you to that bliss. Here is where I recommend some caution: it is very easy for that infatuation to turn into something unhealthy (been there, done that!). Take things slowly, TALK to Proprieter about this (if she is an experienced top she can help you), talk To your gf because she can either relax on the teasing you about it bits OR she can make things hotter in the bedroom for the two of you!!!
Just be honest. Communicate.
Oh, and enjoy the ride!!!
Hear Hear!
NRE is dangerous at times, but totally normal, and your new GF probably knows all about it already if she’s done the non-monogamous thing much before.
Maybe do some reading about Polyamory, and see if that rings a bell for you (from one former serial monogamist to another).
She has been non-monogamous since her and her wife broke up 6 years ago so she’s well versed.
We’ve talked and she totally understood the infatuation side of it. Apparently my actions are transparent, I just needed to speak the words.
Now to face the Proprietor on Saturday for the next party…NRE abounds and my gf has plans. =)
Thanks again for all the words of encouragement and advice.
Hooray! :D
First, I’d like to thank aag for offering this forum. Two I’m totally overwhelmed by your responses. As a serial monogamist, I was unaware what is was okay to feel in open relationships and because of that I never considered part of my angst was caused by guilt.
Lizzy thank you for pointing that out. It was massively helpful.
All of your advice has been massively helpful. My gf and I communicate about this on a regular basis. She knows I’m fascinated by the Proprietor, I just don’t think she grasped to what extent. It is new territory for me also in the BDSM world so I was overwhelmed by that arena too.
Again many thanks to all of you for taking the time to read this, think about it and offer honest, thoughtful advice. It has all been taken to heart.
You should totally go ahead, play, and enjoy yourself!