Middle Kid, on a trip home from the grocery store: When can we have those donuts?
Youngest Kid: Yeah, I want those donuts.
Me: We can probably…
Middle Kid (MK): When can we go see our birth-mom N?
Me: We can probably…
Youngest Kid (YK): Yeah, I want to go see N. I want to go inside N’s house. Why don’t we ever go inside N’s house?
Me: We usually eat at a restaurant and then play in the park.
MK: We never lived in N’s house. Right, Mommy?
Me: Well. I was there when N gave birth to MK in the hospital, then MK came straight home with Daddy and me. I was there when N gave birth to YK in the hospital, but then he went home with N for a few weeks.
MK: How come YK got to go to N’s house and I didn’t?
Me: Well. N knew right away that she wanted Daddy and me to raise you. She had to think about it a little longer after YK was born.
MK: That’s not fair! Why did YK get to live with N and I didn’t?
Me, suddenly on the verge of tears over the direction of the conversation: It was really hard for N to decide to let Daddy and me raise both of you. It just took a little longer to decide that about YK.
MK: Because she was too young, right Mommy?
Me: Yes, because she was too young, and she knew she couldn’t raise any babies then.
*pause*
Me: Do you have any more questions about this?
MK: Yes.
Me: Yes?
MK: When can we have those donuts?
Answers are sometimes the hardest to give. You do a great job with them. I’m sure they will eventually figure things out that works for them.
I love how little gravity the concerns of our hearts and minds have with our children. Donuts, and the whys of the universe are largely balanced on their scales.
Donuts to birth mom less than 2 seconds. Wow, they can sure give you whiplash, can’t they? :-)
Kids, they kill you one minute and resurrect you the next.
My kids play the “not fair” game about anything and everything. MK is mostly concerned that YK got something and MK missed out on it somehow. With your open and honest answers it ends up becoming a small thing. So small that they can go from birth mom to “when can we have donuts” without missing a beat.
My son is adopted too and is being raised by two lesbians. His birth mother is my sister-in-law who lives with me and her two other children (my wife left this past year, and yes that means I’m still supporting her family). The other two children talk about their dead beat Dad on occasion and mine knows to some extent that his *Dad* is the same as theirs. All the time I get these types of questions and early on being completely honest was the best way to go. I’m refreshed to see I made the right decision as it’s apparent you did too. I would have been unable to keep my composure in that instance. You handled it beautifully and one day, they might even thank you for that honesty.