Depending on how wearily drawn-out the breaking off, you will flail about for weeks or even months during which your mind will try to convince you that it was all just a big misunderstanding. He’ll come around, you’ll think, or If we change just this one tiny thing we can make it work. But no matter how many ways you try to reason it out his mind is made up and no matter how many tiny changes you make it will never be enough. These realizations will not stop you from trying.
Interspersed will be flashes of anger so intense and uncharacteristic you’ll feel possessed. Thoughts of slashed tires, bitter emails and art projects made from the items he left at your house will fill your mind without warning. I’d never do that you’ll think, shocked, but your next thought will be But wouldn’t it feel good.
Then the anger will momentarily take a backseat to sadness, and you’ll find yourself crying in the shower where he used to wash your hair, absolutely convinced that no one will ever wash your hair again or ever love you again because you are revolting and horrific, a monster wearing human skin. You will know this is false. You will believe it anyway.
And then you’ll decide that the only solution is this: That the moment someone treats you badly they must disappear from the planet. Not die, mind you, just cease-to-exist. Defriending on Facebook, moderating comments, unfollowing on Twitter, ignoring phone calls — none of these is enough. He must be unable to breathe out air that will eventually end up in your lungs.
It’s only fair.1
You will bounce between these painful extremes for weeks or months; you will think you’re making progress only to see it annihilated by one bad afternoon. You’ll question why you’ve successfully remained friends with so many other former partners but cannot with this one. You’ll question how the relationship lasted as long as it did. You’ll question the wisdom of ever dating again, given that you are a monster wearing human skin.
Then one day in the middle of yet another fruitless conversation in which you are accused of doing things wrong, of doing everything wrong, of always and forever simply being wrong you’ll have what alcoholics call a moment of clarity, when you will finally know in your heart and not just your head that it never will work. This is how it is, you’ll think. He will forever be this way, you will forever be this way, and there is no possible way to make it any other way.
Because the truth is that as much as each party would like to paint the other so, neither of you are monsters. You are beat-up and broken, you make decisions irrationally, you hurt when you only want to help, and these things are exactly the same for every single person past the first flush of hopeful adulthood. Vilifying only continues the engagement, and the moment of clarity has showed you that it’s time to disengage.
And from that one breathtaking moment you will begin to feel some peace.
- This is hyperbole. Really. [↩]
yeah, me too. surprising how somebody else can so clearly articulate what i’ve been feeling lately but have been without the words to say. except the part about these things being the same for every single person. i’m pretty sure not everybody gets it this way.
YES YES YES YES YES.
In every way, yes!
(Thank you, for this.)
Hit me hard. Too hard. Needed it.
Love you girl.
Love you back, and I’m sorry. *hug*
This is exactly it. I’m so glad others feel the same way, even if I would prefer they wouldn’t.
It makes me feel so helpless sometimes, the best intentions ending up hurting anyway thing.
But you’re right. Acknowledging that we are all human, all flawed and hurt and broken at times, but wonderful and life-changing during others. That’s truly liberating.
Yes yes yes and yes.
I’ve been through the same process with my parents and the emotional abuse I went through.
Getting rather teary now.
AAG. You’re incredibly insightful. Your posts about emotional battles, and the right to an enjoyable sex life is commendable. You’re an incredibly smart and talented woman. People should be lining up to apply to be your life-long partner.
Simply beautiful. Love you and your style. Keep up the good work.
Oh man, this post really brought me back to a horrible break up I had about a year and a half ago. I felt exactly the same way, wanted to throw his laptop out a second floor window, actually tried (and was stopped by a friend, thankfully), cried, called him every night for two weeks, and grabbed a hold of rebound after rebound. Then, I don’t know when it happened, but I started to feel a little less, and I started to think about him a little less.
Sometimes I dream about him though, and that freaks the hell out of me.
However, in my dreams, he is much more attractive ;)
Completely.
In a former life, when going through similar fun times, the moment of clarity was a defining point not just in that relationship, but in my life — where i realized for the first time, that I was worthy of being loved, and not by this self-obsessed egotistical person whom I *thought* I loved.
So, yeah — know whatcha mean.
The way you write is beautiful. Reading this blog is always a treat.