The Christian Science Monitor explains why the recent Proposition 8 ruling is wrong:

As a species, we need to protect female sexuality in order to assure ourselves of a future.

Marriage is a necessary defense of a woman’s sexuality and her human liberty from determined assault by men who would turn her into a slave, a concubine – something less than fully human. Human communities need to give women some additional degree of protection – through law, custom, religious decree, or sacrament…snip…

Heterosexual relationships need marriage because of inferiority: the physical inferiority of sexual defenders to sexual attackers and the moral inferiority of male sexual attackers.

Marriage is not about couples or lovers – it’s about the physical and moral integrity of women. When a woman’s sexuality is involved, human communities must deal with a malign force that an individual woman and her family cannot control or protect.

Modern marriage is only the least worst version of marriage that has emerged from all this – but it is still necessary for women. What protects women, ultimately, is that marriage laws and customs confer upon her independence something extra – dignity, protection, sacredness – that others must respect. And if this quality can be bestowed upon anyone, even those not in intersexual relationships – it reduces, even dissolves its force.

–read the whole thing here

I’m not sure if he’s saying that women need to be married in order to be protected from renegade “male sexual attackers” or that marriage to a physically inferior “sexual defender” will prevent men from perpetrating violence. Or both. In any case, it’s an awful way to think about gender differences.

Alternatively, the author’s thesis taken to its natural conclusion could lead to a rash of women desiring sacred union with  pepper spray1 or puppies2 .3

Wonder what the Christian Science Monitor would make of that?

  1. Does this mean I should get engaged to my can of Mace? []
  2. I think my 80lbs rott/pitt mix is a much more effective rape deterrent than a man. Should I marry my dog? []
  3. I’d prefer a gun, actually []
 

To our pleasant surprise, however, there is absolutely nothing skeevy about Siege and Katie. They’re smart, funny, polite, hip, attractive, self-deprecating, and affectionate with one another. And that’s the most disconcerting thing of all. Call us snobs, but it’s easy to dismiss suburban swingers who show up at orgies with a Tupperware container or Bay Area hippies missing the irony gene. But when a couple like Siege and Katie decry strict monogamy? It makes you wonder, How old-fashioned, socially programmed, and ass-backward am I?

I hate to be the one to tell this to Em and Lo, but if they can only appreciate non-monogamy when it’s practiced by people they deem to be hip and attractive, then they are pretty damn old-fashioned, socially programmed and ass-backward indeed.

And as one who has gone to many events for non-monogamous folks bearing full Tupperware tubs, I’ve got to wonder what kind of manners these ladies were taught by their parents. Didn’t they learn never to show up empty-handed? What’s wrong with coming prepared, with being neighborly, with keeping up one’s strength?

What is wrong with you, Em and Lo, and what is wrong with Tupperware?

————
Read the rest of Em and Lo’s piece on non-monogamy here1, then read a brilliant response by Mistress Matisse here.

  1. Huh, I just realized that this post is five years old. I hope Em and Lo have developed more enlightened views by now []
 

Below please find the text of a dating site profile reproduced faithfully except for the fact that I’ve changed the name of the town. What do you make of it?

First of all I’m not interested in [town of 125,000-plus located somewhat near me] natives, if you are originally from [town] this ad is not for you. If you are a transplant or a woman who is somewhere besides [town] read on. I’m not into current popular culture and find that people who watch a lot of TV (especially reality) and who listen to a lot of current mainstream popular music tend to have shaky, shallow, overly materialistic values and a complete lack of intellect. I’d like to meet women who are not into current garbage mainstream culture but who instead read interesting books, listen to interesting (non-mainstream) music, and who are mostly into films that are NOT the typical dumbed-down Hollywood blockbusters. And especially, if you’re the sort of woman who watches stuff like the Bachelor and the Bachelorette and actually think those shows have anything to do with “reality”, I don’t want to talk to you or know you, not now, not ever. I’m not the average or typical [town] guy and this is to be expected as I have spent the vast majority of my adult life in much bigger cities where mainstream garbage culture is largely rejected and people are into a much wider variety of life activities besides the heavy drinking, stupid TV viewing, and irresponsible, unplanned procreation that tend to dominate the lives of [town]-ites. If your life is defined by money and possessions, stop reading this ad now and go on to the next one. If you have a history of abusive relationships, stop reading this ad now….women who fall in love with abusers do not appreciate men who are non-abusers and I simply have no time for their self-victimizing nonsense. To be honest, the very very vast majority of you are not nearly intelligent enough to hang around with me. I can tell that from the many grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes in your ads as well as the obvious huge mistakes you’ve made in your lives that are evident from your ads. I’m definitely looking for a female friend who is the exact opposite of the typical [town] woman…..that is someone who is educated, articulate, intelligent, not trashy/fat/masculine looking, not brainwashed by TV and the mainstream media, not obsessed with men with motorcycles and goofy facial hair. I’m looking for someone with half a brain who appreciates someone else with half a brain. Do I think I’ll find that in [town] or on this website? Not really but maybe you should try to surprise me if you really think you have what it takes for me to not view you as just another local bumpkin. Oh, and if you’re a woman looking for a john or a weakminded pack mule to do all your difficult physical chores for you, you’re going to have to look elsewhere to find that sucker.

Do you think I should write to point out the comma splice in the very first sentence?

 

From the comments of a post explaining why Judge Walker’s sexual orientation is irrelevant to his ability to try a case fairly:

So what of this horse, then, that actually held opinions, and was sceptical (sic) about things? Unusual behaviour for a horse, wasn’t it? An unusual horse perhaps?

No. Although it was certainly a handsome and well-built example of its species, it was none the less a perfectly ordinary horse, such as convergent evolution has produced in many of the places that life is to be found. They have always understood a great deal more than they let on. It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them.

On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.

Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

 

In a mere two weeks my life will radically change with the clang of the first school bell.

[Here once lived several sentences of unmitigated glee over this occurrence, but upon second reading I decided that the glee was unmitigated to an unseemly degree.12

My girls will be occupied for the whole day this year — the eldest from 7:15 am3 to 3:15 and the other starting just an hour later. The boy will be gone from 8:45 am to 12:15 pm, a whole half-hour longer than last year because of an altered bus route.

For just one year they’ll all be at different schools, which at some point will no doubt cause me to shake my fist at the heavens, but for now all I can see are the three and a half hours every single school day wherein I will be alone, gloriously alone. I can hardly wait!

What shall I do with my freedom, you ask? Will I cavort about naked, picking out a happy jig amongst the abandoned sippy-cups, Barbie shoes and Legos? Will I nap, uninterrupted by everything but snuggly kitties? Perhaps for a few days I will indulge in nothing but hedonism, but after that I’m very much looking forward to a full immersion in work.

Not that I haven’t been typing my fingers right down to the bone over the past three months. I have been. But now it’s time to kick this into high gear, and that’s where you come in. I stand ready to be hired for graphics and site-building services. Wondering if I’ve got the chops to handle your project? Read what my clients have had to say, then message me with your simplest jobs or your biggest dreams.

I’ll get back to you asap, just as soon as I’m done cavorting4.

  1. I do love my children. They just need to be kept busy. Let's leave it at that, shall we? []
  2. Thanks to Ephiphora for the info about this super-rad plugin, which I plan on abusing mercilessly. []
  3. !!!!! []
  4. Really, it will be asap. Like, within a few hours, unless you message me at 1am, in which case it will be more like six hours. []
 

Required reading for anyone who wonders why the strict adherence to “traditional” gender roles is so problematic:

As a society, we equate masculinity with force, with violence, with aggression, with being “tough” and invulnerable. We celebrate it those things as virtues. To a widely-varying degree, we look with disdain, or pity, or condescension, or amusement at too much deviation from the prescribed norm. And we occasionally exact a terrible penalty for stepping outside those rigid parameters.

The beating death of 17-month-old Roy Jones was no less a hate crime because the victim was a baby. Whether would have grown up to be gay, or transgender, or just a gentle, sweet-natured straight boy, was still many years away. More, it was irrelevant.

The attack, and the apparent impulse behind it–that a violent man was made uncomfortable by a even a perceived variation on gender-normative behavior–is exactly what makes transgender and gender-variant Americans among the most vulnerable segment of the population, and children who even appear gender-variant are the most vulnerable of all.

It’s still early in the investigation and there are naturally more questions than answers at this point. Doubtless, facts and details will emerge about Pedro Jones along with the very real possibility that he endured horrors of his own that helped craft what he later became. It’s too early to paint him as a monster, or at least as a one-dimensional monster. With few exceptions, monsters are made, not born. They are still monsters, but they are carved with the hurtful blows of many sharp chisels, over many years.

Read the rest of the piece here.

 

After seeing me wax poetic on Twitter about fisting, a reader wrote in with a question:

My boyfriend wants to fist me. I’m down…but what can I do to physically and mentally prepare myself for this? It’s rather painful, right? How can we make this a more pleasant experience?

Two insidious suppositions haunt any discussion of fisting. First, that it will stretch out the vagina to cavern-like dimensions; and second, that it will hurt. Neither is true.

Learning to accept a fist will make you better at relaxing your pelvic muscles quickly and completely, just as a gymnast who practices stretching will be able to perform the splits more easily than someone who seldom stretches. Is the gymnast weak because she can assume such bendy positions? Are her muscles under-developed or destroyed? Not hardly! All that practice, control and effort strengthen rather than break down the muscles.

Remove the fist and the vagina does not hang open like the lips of a mouth-breather. It snaps back. Really. Maybe I should post some before and after photos some day?

Is fisting painful? Any sex can hurt if you do it too quickly or without adequate preparation. Try to jam in a hand without lube or warm-up and you’ll send your partner right through the roof, and possibly to the emergency room. While I can’t speak for every person who’s ever attempted this act I can tell you from my own experience that the first few times left me with an ache in my pubic bone, an ache which was not the least bit unpleasant because it reminded me of how much that partner had affected me.

He’d affected me so much that he moved my bones. I can’t think of this as anything but a good thing.

I’ve occasionally felt too much pressure on my cervix from fisting; this when my partner pushed too far in. This discomfort is no different than what I’ve experienced with too-deep doggie-style intercourse and is remedied with a quick “Not so deep, please.” Other than that, I’ve experienced no pain from fisting.

Want to fist successfully? Fister and fistee should be enthusiastic about the experiment (sounds like you’ve got this one covered, reader). Peruse So You Think You Want to Fist, Part One and So You Think You Want to Fist, Part Two. Go slowly, talk to each other throughout, and use twice as much lube as you think you need.

Then report back to the class about how your experiment went, ok?

 

So my brilliant friend Kelly paints things, and by “things” I don’t mean dining room walls and the odd bathroom, which are the only things your humble narrator is capable of painting.

(Well. I once painted a giraffe which turned out to be a zebra. And for all I know Kelly paints walls too. Or maybe giraffes. But I digress.)

What I’m certain Kelly paints are brilliant watercolor portraits, so brilliant that one of them caught the eye of esteemed film critic Roger Ebert, prompting him to Tweet about Kelly’s amazing-ness and thereby send an obscene number of new readers to her site. In thanks, she painted a scene especially for and featuring him.

This is how the world should work: Each of us pushing our friends up their own little ladders, receiving reciprocal shoves and then lavishing on the thanks. Why the world doesn’t work like this more often I do not know.

So now Kelly is moving on to her next work, which will feature a young friend sitting at his desk surrounded by the detritus of his work-a-day duties. A reference picture was posed and photographed not long ago; after further scrutiny it was thought to lack just a little something on the unadorned wall behind the subject’s head.

“I know,” thought Kelly. “I should add his framed professional license to the image!” But the license lived on another wall; after a quick shuffle and some Photoshop manipulation, the end result will be clipped to her easel as she happily works away with pigments suspended in water.

This reference image she posted on Facebook, and it took me a minute to figure out what was wrong with it:

Whose HAND is this, and from what great beyond does it reach to bestow professional licenses? As is the case with many a trans-worldly gift, does this one come with strings? Will our young friend someday be asked to look the other way while THE HAND commits its fouls deeds? And if he does not, what fierce retribution will be done? Will he be whisked away to the land of THE HAND, where untold horrors await?

Is it time to up my meds or should I simply sit back and enjoy the stories my head spins all day long?

 

Recently I’ve noticed the bandying about across the sexblogsphere of an interesting statement which goes something like this: “Sex-positivity is supposed to be positive!”

Orly? Excuse me? Sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, Buttercup, but sex-positivity has nothing whatsoever to do with cheerfulness, glee or a sunny disposition. Sometimes it can be quite the contrary, in fact.

Definitions vary widely, but to me being sex-positive means that I work toward a time when all people have the ability to express sexuality in a vast range of healthy, happy and consensual ways. As lovely as that might sound I think we can all agree that the world outside our insular little sex-positive sphere can be an ugly place for those who live in ways other than those sanctioned by old white men and the religious right. Sometimes, in order to make the world better, sex-positive people have to draw attention to that ugliness. Loudly.

Am I “offended” when I in my daily consumption of blogs and news I run across something contrary to this philosophy? Not even a little; in fact it is nearly impossible to offend me. I might, however, be quite angry by some perceived injustice, and if that is the case you better believe I’m going to speak up about it. I may not be gay, or transgender, or trying to adopt with my female partner, or in a position to need an abortion — but someday my children might be, and I want the world to be the kind of place where these things can happen with far less fuss than there is today.

As committed as I am to the idea that sex is a good and healthy and should be enjoyed without fear or shame, I can’t claim to earn the sex-positive badge every second of every day. The occasional episode of less than stellar sex-positivity is not an indictment of the philosophy as a whole. It should be possible to suggest corrections to our fellows without excessive glee. Right?

Being sex-positive isn’t a buzzword. It is an attitude that has become increasingly important to me as I’ve recognized more and more of the ill-effects that its opposite has had on our culture and on countless individual lives.

But I’m just one person typing into the void, trying to stay sex-positive (and positive!) despite the constant misogynistic, slut-shaming, body-hating crap shoveled upon women every single second of every single day.

So I’m curious:  What does sex-positive mean for you?

 

Could letting your man sleep with another woman help your relationship?

Author and former mistress Holly Hill thinks so.

“One of the main things that I have learned is that a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he’s late from the office Christmas party,” she says.

“It’s better to walk the dog on a leash than let it escape through an unseen hole in the back fence.”

–read the whole piece here

It’s a pity she brought in vapid generalizations about why men and women have sex, because I fundamentally agree with Hill that negotiated non-monogamy could be a wonderful thing.

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