So tightly was my day scheduled that to be ready for an 8pm date I had to pack up the sex-toys before lunch. An afternoon of screen-door-slamming kids, blog-maintenance and client phone calls flew by; after that my plan was to take my eldest to dinner and shopping for school supplies before dropping her at home with her father. “I won’t be back ’til very close to ten,” I informed him while endeavoring to ignore his look of curiosity mixed with annoyance.
Alone in the car with my daughter (bag of toys stashed beneath the seat), I thought I was through the worst of it. I drove across town in a happy dream of what I’d be doing just a few hours hence, hardly listening to the constant stream of commentary coming from the back seat. As most of it focused on the educational implements she hoped we’d soon acquire, I had plenty of brain-power to respond to her adequately and still have some left over for thoughts of a naked man — at least I did until she asked what in heaven’s name would keep me out until ten o’clock at night. “I thought you were getting all of your errands done with me,” she said.
Dear reader, I am ashamed to say that I lied. I’m going for coffee with a friend, I told her, naming a woman who has been in my daughter’s life since she was a baby. As I very frequently do go out for coffee with that friend, my answer perfectly satisfied the child, enough so that she instantly lapsed back into a monologue about the relative merits of automatic versus traditional pencils.
I lapsed into worry, and even after a full day of thought I’ve not been able to come up with a better answer. While I’ve never hidden the people I’ve slept with from my children, I’ve always explained their presence in my life in the context of friendship. When my former partner came to my house to help with some project involving hand-tools or the string-trimmer, they saw us talking and laughing but not getting frisky. Others have periodically stopped by for one reason or another, but I was never called on to explain that I was sleeping with the mommy who brought her child to my kid’s birthday party, or the man who helped me test drive the new mini-van, or the other man who popped in the door to drop off books.
Perhaps it would be different if I were dating with the goal of nuptials or even cohabitation in the future. I’m not. While one of those things might eventually happen, would I lead my child to believe that it was an imminent possibility if I more accurately identified my partners?
While I’m perfectly fine with explaining any aspect of sex from the physical to the emotional to her, my confidence falters outside the realm of the most generic terms. “Here’s how some people handle this facet of sexuality” I can discuss ’til the cows come home, but when faced with a concrete question about how I deal with sexuality much to my shame I freeze.
Surely there is some age-appropriate variation of The Mango Talk that would have been preferable to a lie? Readers, how would you have fielded my child’s question?
They ARE your friends, and as long as you have coffee with them you’re telling the child all she needs to know. She also needs to know that parents are entitled to some privacy when it comes to their sex lives.
I guess I don’t understand why you took it into the realm of a lie by naming someone who wasn’t involved. What was wrong with stopping with “I’m going to visit a friend”. Period. The end. You get to have friends, just like your kids do. Just because some of your friendships have a sexual component doesn’t make “I’m visiting a friend” a lie. But when you dragged in an innocent and unknowing friend as an “alibi” you made it in a shameful thing … and a lie to your child.
I know. Parenting FAIL!
Nononono. :) Gosh, I hope I didn’t give that impression, but reading back over the post I think I did. I’m sorry for that. Honestly I think you’re an awesome parent (based on what I read here).
You can be a good parent and still have parenting FAILS, right? :)
It can be a tough one, but somehow I raised one child all the way up without having to lie to him.
Now at age 24 he especially appreciates it that I was always truthful with him.
I now will go through it again. I have a 2 year old daughter.
Kids don’t need details. Parents are allowed that privacy.
Just because it isn’t a date with the hope of married bliss to someday be attached to it does not make it something less acceptable to any except the narrow minded.
I agree with the others. “I’m visiting with a friend” is all she needs to know. You are an adult, entitled to privacy.
I don’t think this has anything to do with privacy. Your kids will develop their own sexual identity as they grow up. My opinion, it should be theirs to find. You can answer questions, impart your opinion, and encourage them to ask questions comfortably. How they perceive your sex life will inform on theirs and the problem with perception is that it’s not a life lesson you impart. It’s a conclusion they make on their own, if it’s not a positive perception you then have to work to change it, if you ever find out about it.
Like in anything else, the child of a conservative preacher rebels. I had a friend whose mother was sexually “free”. When I say free I mean she was a hooker. Not because of need, they had plenty of money. Who knows why, but that’s what this mother did. She sold herself because she wanted to. The problem; sometimes she did it on the couch in the living room. My friend would wake up and look over the balcony to see a different guy on top of her mom. She is now pretty sexually reserved; hell she is uptight about it. I don’t have a problem with her mother screwing every guy she met; she should have kept it away from her kids. Her lifestyle shouldn’t have a lasting effect on her daughter.
Also, kids are inquisitive and their little minds spiral. “Visiting a friend” leads to questions like; what friend? Where are you going? Can I go too? Maybe we could all go for pizza, or bowling. Is it a date, because that would make Daddy sad? Etc.
I say better to end the process with an answer they will accept and let a kid discover the questions they want answered, as they grow up. Don’t shelter them, but progress at their own pace.
Not a parental fail, a tough decision with unclear future ramifications, limited time for extended conversation and possibly slightly distracted with the thought of a cock in your ass later in the evening. You were cautious before opening Pandora ’s Box to something your kid may or not be ready for. Parents are supposed to be cautious for their kids.
“Not a parental fail, a tough decision with unclear future ramifications, limited time for extended conversation and possibly slightly distracted with the thought of a cock in your ass later in the evening.”
I second this. I’m the child of a divorced single mom, and when I was a preteen she dated a lot. The occasional “I am bending the absolute truth slightly because explaining will make things more complicated” won’t hurt your kids. :) Hell, we might even sympathize when we get older and have our own lives!
You were caught unawares. It happens. Not worth stressing over, next time I bet you’ll simply reply “spending time with someone”. By the time kids are old enough to understand “spending time with someone special”, they’d respond “ewww” rather than “I’m glad mom’s getting some”.
By the time they ARE actually glad mom’s getting some and de-stressing, they’ve stopped inquiring.
I was put on the spot with a friend’s child the other day, I happen to own a special car, and they nicked it, it’s first known nick in 9 years. She is five, and was totally afraid of apologizing to me. Her father didn’t explain exactly what was going on when they entered the house, but was patiently telling her she needed to apologize. I was able to gather what it might be about, at the very least I had to be mature and encourage and support her learning process, rather than blowing up and causing her to want to shirk apologizing/coming clean in her future.
So I hugged her, explained that things can be fixed, that it’s better to apologize, that I had once broken the mirror on my mom’s precious car and had to apologize too, all mostly lies (to my mind) and certainly obscuring my feelings of a full throated loud shout of “F__K!!!” Where’s the money coming from to fix this?
I am not a person who appreciates lies, and believe that the world is much easier without them. However there are some circumstances where it’s more important otherwise, ironically in my case, to instill honesty in the future.
I’m not sure how to have handled my situation better. I wouldn’t carry forward guilt for your situation though, or next time will be awkward too. Let it go, next time you can be a bit more ready to share.
Meanwhile, I am reminded of this person’s hilarious blog post covering elder sex with her daughters in the car: http://thecreativejunkie.com/2010/08/15/weekend-regurgitation-getting-some-happy/
When my kids asked, I just smiled and said, “I have a date.”
Nuff said.
Of course, mine were boys and could not have cared less.
Yeah, I wouldn’t say it was a “fail” but a lesson. :)
I totally agree with the person who said you’re entitled to privacy. I understand that you want to be far more open with your children than your parents ever were with you, but I think you might be taking it a wee too far in cases like this. :) It is a good place to teach your children social limits and about personal privacy as well.
There is nothing wrong with telling your children that the question they’ve asked is very personal and none of their business. Not about whether or not you’re going on a date, necessarily, but if at some point one of them were to ask point blank if you were going to have sex … it would be perfectly appropriate to teach them that while you appreciate their comfort with the topic, what two adults do when they’re alone together is their business and not anyone else’s.
I don’t have kids, but I can imagine that it can be awkward when they question you about dates.
It’s definitely complex when they are young. Last year I was leaving the house for a “date,” bag in hand. “What’s in the bag, mom?” “It’s a bag full of lube, my little doves.” A few minutes later I noted that the information was just between us. My daughter informed me she’d already texted her friends. I turned pink, though I knew she was joking. (Keep in mind mine were 18 and 21 at the time.)
Back in the day I would have said exactly what you did. It’s called a white lie. No harm. When she’s older, the conversation can be different.
That being said… When in the cab with the bag-full of lube… I seriously questioned the honesty card. But that’s what we do as mothers, isn’t it? Always question. That’s what makes a good mother, I’m told. Even by my children.
As a child who knew WAY too much about her parents’ sex life, I think you did fine. I would not even call that a real life, but I also do not expect that I have to be 100% honest with my kids, or that they have to be 100% honest with me.
My parents pushed REALLY hard on the 100% honest issue, and to me, that is more of thing between peers. Your children are not your peers.
Damn, I have some more conservative values about that than I thought.
You may have a point. :)
I can’t help but think there’s a teaching moment here. Where she gets to learn that a person can date without having to worry about marrying their partner. I never knew that as a child and it made the teen years a bit rough.