Recently I’ve noticed the bandying about across the sexblogsphere of an interesting statement which goes something like this: “Sex-positivity is supposed to be positive!”
Orly? Excuse me? Sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, Buttercup, but sex-positivity has nothing whatsoever to do with cheerfulness, glee or a sunny disposition. Sometimes it can be quite the contrary, in fact.
Definitions vary widely, but to me being sex-positive means that I work toward a time when all people have the ability to express sexuality in a vast range of healthy, happy and consensual ways. As lovely as that might sound I think we can all agree that the world outside our insular little sex-positive sphere can be an ugly place for those who live in ways other than those sanctioned by old white men and the religious right. Sometimes, in order to make the world better, sex-positive people have to draw attention to that ugliness. Loudly.
Am I “offended” when I in my daily consumption of blogs and news I run across something contrary to this philosophy? Not even a little; in fact it is nearly impossible to offend me. I might, however, be quite angry by some perceived injustice, and if that is the case you better believe I’m going to speak up about it. I may not be gay, or transgender, or trying to adopt with my female partner, or in a position to need an abortion — but someday my children might be, and I want the world to be the kind of place where these things can happen with far less fuss than there is today.
As committed as I am to the idea that sex is a good and healthy and should be enjoyed without fear or shame, I can’t claim to earn the sex-positive badge every second of every day. The occasional episode of less than stellar sex-positivity is not an indictment of the philosophy as a whole. It should be possible to suggest corrections to our fellows without excessive glee. Right?
Being sex-positive isn’t a buzzword. It is an attitude that has become increasingly important to me as I’ve recognized more and more of the ill-effects that its opposite has had on our culture and on countless individual lives.
But I’m just one person typing into the void, trying to stay sex-positive (and positive!) despite the constant misogynistic, slut-shaming, body-hating crap shoveled upon women every single second of every single day.
So I’m curious: What does sex-positive mean for you?
So I’m curious: What does sex-positive mean for you?
Pretty much what you’ve said.
It means trying to help make a world in which everyone can see sex as a positive thing, as well. In which joyful sexuality is celebrated, and in which the necessity for enthusiastic consent is a given. It means treating someone’s sexuality as their own property, and no one else’s.
Being a “positive” person doesn’t mean never getting angry. It doesn’t mean shoving feelings deep down inside and pretending everything is peachy when it isn’t. That’s dishonesty, which I think is totally incompatible with sex-positivity.
For me, sex positivity also necessarily means being a feminist. I know I wouldn’t put my own sex life, erotica, and feelings about sex and even sex toys out in the world if I weren’t both a feminist and sex-positive. The two things go together for me, and they always have, even before I’d ever heard the term “sex-positivity”.
To me it means “your kink may not be my kink, but it’s ok”. It means an open mind.
It means the woman who went to Central Park and removed her top, because there is a law giving women the equal right to remove their tops, who found herself accepted and respected by the sun bathing public (men didn’t leer), drawing attention to herself at the hot dog stand (the proprietor called his coworker over) yet treated with disdain by the women in the restroom line should have told those women to grow up. (I know it’s not about age but you know what I mean.)
Sex positivity to me means honesty, openness, encouragement, support, empathy, caring and love.
Preferably all at once with a good side of spice!
“Being sex-positive isn’t a buzzword.”
It always confuses me when I come across the word in a mainstream news article. The couple places I’ve seen it lately, it just seems to mean “women who think having casual sex is OK”?
“… sex-positivity has nothing whatsoever to do with cheerfulness, glee or a sunny disposition. Sometimes it can be quite the contrary, in fact.”
I came to the whole world of sex blogs right when Maymay was starting his Male Submission Art project (http://malesubmissionart.com/), and I think that informed a lot of what I think about sex positivity: that loving sex and wanting better education about sex doesn’t mean that we can’t still question ourselves. That sexism and stereotypes and ridiculous thinking are everywhere, and must continually be challenged. That if you don’t like what you see in your own subculture or fetish, you can create your own porn to fit your desires, and the world will be richer for it.
I loved this post.
I used the term “sex positive” in my Sex Toys 101 presentations and described it, in a nutshell, as supporting and accepting the consensual sexual choices of others without judging them.
Semantics, you know? It so often gets in the way of communication.
Just because a particular word appears in a sentence, does not mean that we can apply our choice of meaning regardless of context. And yet, so very often in debates like these, that’s exactly what we wind up debating; literal meaning vs someone’s *interpretation* of a specific word.
The worst, stupidest debates i’ve ever found myself in, almost to a one, came down to mis-interpretation of meaning. Reading for content is a basic skill we no longer teach.
Sex-positive: adj. 1. free to enjoy sex; 2. liberated from traditional (often religious) mores and prohibitions; 3. respectful of the rights and needs of others.
To me it is simply being respectful of others wishes and desires as long as those wishes and desires don’t infringe on others.
That seems pretty simple.
I don’t have to like what other people are doing, but as long as it isn’t hurting anybody it isn’t any of my concern.
Other people need not like what I enjoy doing and need not participate , but they also don’t need to worry about it because it doesn’t have anything to do with them.
A lot of people seem to think that sex positive is being supportive and proclaiming their agreement with others choices.
Some think being sex positive is getting people to branch out to their way of thinking.
Lets be mushroom consumption positive
I love mushrooms so you must love mushrooms… or They love mushrooms, but even though I don’t enjoy them myself I think it is great that they do so lets all give those mushroom eaters our support and praise them for eating mushrooms.
Pfft… people need to relax.
I am not saying people should not stand up for themselves and others when they see an injustice, but lately it seems as if many people who are trying to be vocal on “sex positive” issues are causing the issues by trying just a tad to hard to be suporters.
I am fast approaching the status of being and “old white man” and have a very open attitude. Just wish I had a bit more of that activity in my own life. ;)
I do understand the genesis of the term, but hope you realize that many of us are entering old age with very different views than those who came before us.
I do realize that. Maybe I should have written “the stereotypical old white man”?
It means not slut-shaming, body-shaming, victim-blaming, or criticizing/judging others for the choices they make regarding their sexuality.
And it damn well requires passion, emotion, and yes, even anger sometimes, to call attention to all the BS that exists out there in the world.
For me being sex positive is much as you described it – I may not be all things, but I accept and push for their further acceptance.
Though I swear, one day I’m going to start teaching a class called “Your kink is not my kink, but its ok – and not” Because this idea that we MUST accept ALL things that cross our path whole heartedly and love and understand them drives me nuts sometimes. Honestly, sometimes I don’t like what people do, but I’ll be damned if they don’t have the right to do it – even if I don’t like it.
(actually, it wouldn’t be so much a class as me yelling, so I probably won’t go there. But you know what I mean)
“…sometimes I don’t like what people do, but I’ll be damned if they don’t have the right to do it – even if I don’t like it.”
Exactly.
I am rather new to the blogging, toy sales, reviewer, participation with other sites, “sex positive” group. My take on the term is being someone who can appreciate all the diversity there is amongst people and their right to be able to do “their” thing. Needless to say this holds true only when all participants are of legal age and can consent to the act, fetish, idea or what ever it might be. I will speak up and object to fetishes like “Crush Videos, Torture and underage porn” as these participants have not agreed to what is happening to them.
Someone told me this once and maybe this is a better way to explain what sex positive means to me… “What you get to do is live your life to the best of your abilities in a way that is good for you—-without hurting others or creating restrictions on someone else’s way of being”. Follow that and we are good.
That doesn’t mean I like what you are doing and it also doesn’t mean that I might not write about it if it bothers me enough. What it means is you have a right to do it (if you follow the comment above) and I love the fact that we live in a society that allows you to do it and also allows me to comment on it.
Positive means, in this circumstance, acceptance. Being sex-positive means being accepting of the sexual choices that other people make, regardless of your own choices.
In regards to your post, sex-positive has become a buzz word. You yourself said that you can’t claim to wear the sex-positive badge every second of every day and I think that’s true of everyone. Yet it’s become the go to insult whenever someone expresses an opinion someone disagrees with. Sex-positivity can not be achieved by hurling insults at people. It can only be achieved if people open their minds and open the discussion.
I don’t believe everyone needs to have a cheery demeanor to be sex-positive, but the bloggers talking about not making fun of new sex toy reviewers, the sex toys and porn people like, or the choices they make to hold onto their virginity until marriage or be monogamous have a huge point. That sort of attitude is no different and no better than the ‘slut-shaming’ and eww that’s gross attitudes some people have. It’s not even remotely conducive to sex-positivity. We didn’t just come out of our mother’s womb knowing the things we know today about sex. It was learned over a long period of time. So while you don’t have to be all sunshine, butterflies and rainbows, it helps if you’re patient, understanding and trying not to be rude.
To me, sex-positivity is the practice of creating a positive relationship with sex. Rather than being something that we have, it’s something that we do. It changes over our lifetimes, since our sexual desires and experiences will change.
Sex-positivity is affirming and celebrating any form of sexual expression that is based on the consent, pleasure, health, and well-being of the participants. It means understanding someone else’s perspective, honoring diversity, and taking responsibility for our own triggers rather than blaming someone else for any negative reactions we may have.
Sex-positivity is NOT about having a lot of sex or a lot of sex partners. You can be celibate and be sex-positive, you can be monogamous and be sex-positive, as long as that is what is right for you.
Sex-positivity is about exploring boundaries, being willing to make mistakes as part of growth, speaking with compassion, and placing value on pleasure. It’s about setting aside judgment of other people’s sexual practices or experiences.
I’ve written quite a bit about sex-positivity on my blog: http://www.charlieglickman.com and I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
Why does everyone feel they have to analyze everything,
sex is sex wether you enjoy it or not?
Hello there. You must be new.
The point: you are missing it.
You said it pretty well, for me sex-positive means being open minded, accepting and teaching my children to be the same way.
One of the most thought provoking pieces I have read on this subject. Thanks for that.
“the world outside our insular little sex-positive sphere can be an ugly place for those who live in ways other than those sanctioned by old white men” (AAG)
Not in this old white man’s sphere. I can only agree with past poster who said wishfully there could be more in my life.
Aloha
I should not have written that. :) I was being far too stereotypical.
Thank you for writing this!
There are a certain group of people in the blogging community who like to deign what is and what isn’t ‘sex positive.’ Their ultimate put down to fellow bloggers is along the lines of ‘this from somebody who CLAIMS to be ‘sex positive.’ It has TOTALLY become a meaningless buzzword to them.
That being said, I did find the ‘buttercup’ thing pretty personally condescending, since I know you know I’m one of the people who has said – perhaps even coined the phase – ‘sex positivity is about positivity’ and I TOTALLY stand by that. I feel you are DEAD WRONG in suggesting that it’s not.
Being ‘sex positive’ is about being ‘positive’ about sex. About enjoying it, appreciating it, celebrating it and making it a joyous thing. Certainly it involves combating sex negativity – but in a positive way. It is NOT name-calling, judgmentalism, cliquish behavior or a term used to shame people or companies you disagree with – which too many bloggers use the term as.
I’ve noticed an increasing number of bloggers actually loudly and proudly stating ‘I don’t claim to be sex positive’ these days – because it’s a term that’s been used against them whenever they dare to say something that somebody doesn’t agree with.
The reason I’ve pretty much stopped blogging is because I’ve been accused of sexism, misogyny, homophobia and worse by the so-called ‘sex positive’ and anybody who knows me remotely knows that I am the polar opposite of those things.
I really, REALLY resent people deciding that THEY, above all others, are qualified not just to dictate what terms like ‘sex positive’ are, but to trash the concepts and ideals other people have attached to the term.
So ultimately, saying that sex positivity is not about positivity doesn’t sit well with me – especially in terms of the attitudes and behavior that have driven so many diverse voices out of what used to be a VERY sex positive (in the sense of them being positive) community.
Sex is what brought many people to this community. Positivity is what made them stay. Reject that concept and it’s no surprise there’s the turmoil there currently is.
Okay, rant over. Let the flaming begin.
To me sex-positivity gives us the freedom to express the things that may not be pretty, fun, and appealing. Unfortunately the predominant culture, while steeped in sexuality, is not exactly what I would call “sex-positive”. It takes frank and honest discussion of heavy issues, sometimes, to be able to get to a place where we can be comfortable exploring our sexuality. In drawing attention to the “misogynistic, slut-shaming, body-hating crap” I don’t think we are being negative, we are reclaiming pieces of ourselves– that’s pretty positive.
I have hoped a sex-positive culture was one where people are not chided for being sexual adults, involved in whatever activity, with other adults. It is for me, that sex is what it is and has many expressions.
But in truth, isn’t it also about not tripping out over the things that people do and what turns them on? I think a lot of sex positivity is being civil and shutting up, when we hear about things that are not to our tastes.
Or as my Grandma likes to say, ” get some business of your own and stop minding everyone else’s “.