Aug 032010
Could letting your man sleep with another woman help your relationship?
Author and former mistress Holly Hill thinks so.
“One of the main things that I have learned is that a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he’s late from the office Christmas party,” she says.
“It’s better to walk the dog on a leash than let it escape through an unseen hole in the back fence.”
–read the whole piece here
It’s a pity she brought in vapid generalizations about why men and women have sex, because I fundamentally agree with Hill that negotiated non-monogamy could be a wonderful thing.
Being polyamorous, I disagree with her basic premise of the necessity of this and the portrayal of men. For me, being monogamous or polyamorous is a decision reached jointly by a couple and has absolutely nothing to do with any desire to cheat. I was monogamous for 17 years before we decided together to explore polyamory and never once cheated or even considered cheating. For us it’s about relationships and open, honest communication. I suspect that cheating, no matter the form, has more to do with flaws in your relationship than it does with desire for sex. And the way this portrays ethical nonmonogamy as a fix-it for a broken relationship is a recipe for disaster. IMHO, YMMV :-)
If a man is interested in “the thrill of the chase, or the quick sex with a stranger,” why would a woman who “tends to value intimacy” agree to have sex with him?
Her prohibition against her man spooning other women is just as illogical. He can do them doggy style, but not spooning?
Yeah, I don’t get that either. I totally do not understand allowing physical but not emotional intimacy. Weird!
There are a couple flaws in her logic, but the most amusing to me is that she thinks comparing men to dogs works in any way.
Men — not dogs! Dogs — not men!
The argument that men, or people in general (though it’s usually men), are “naturally” non-monogamous tires me. I’m monogamous, and so’s my partner — if anything, he’s more monogamous than me. Polygamy, polyamory, swinging, etc., work for some people; monogamy works for us.
I find that obnoxious and I’m not a man!
Aaargh! If she brought that leash anywhere near me I’d be heading straight through the back fence!
I have to give it to the people who can invite multiple others or even just one other into their relationship. All I can think is that core relationship has to be built on the most solid foundation ever. As a couple we sorta tip toed to the precipice, looked over the edge at all the ugly what ifs we’d have to answer and I said, “Nuh-uh,” and he did too.
There are some terrifying “what ifs” in non-monogamy. It is most certainly not for everyone. I applaud the fact that you considered it and decided it wasn’t for you.
Commit or don’t commit. Not of this halfway, what ever makes you feel good shit. Newsflash for all you Men who want a little strange, It does not honor your wife or marriage to stray! Not happy with what you got at home ? Be honest and get out.
Isn’t it possible to “commit” to loving more than one romantic partner at once, just as it is possible to “commit” to loving more than one child or friend at once?
What about the women who, as you say, want a little strange? Is it so unbelievable that there exist those in the world?
Who says that non-monogamy always has to do with not being happy with “what you got” at home?
Your logic, ImAnIdiot, is severely flawed. While non-monogamy might not be the right choice for you (or for many), that doesn’t mean it’s invalid for everyone.
Is it also not possible to honor you vow of “forsaking all others”? You stand up in front of friends and family and swear yourself to your new spouse. Is it unreasonable for you to keep your word?
Obviously everyone has their own opinion of marriage and what works for them, and my logic may be flawed, but to be a few years into it and decide “hey I want to change the rules a bit and fuck your friend or your sister or your mom” is a bit too much to get my mind around.
I guess I fail as a open minded person by trying to be a trusting and trustworthy spouse.
I have never heard of a non-monogamous person wanting to fuck their spouse’s family members. Perhaps this happens, but in my experience non-monogamy not a unilateral decision but is rather a negotiation where rules and boundaries are worked out together.
Not everyone vows to “forsake all others.” And even the most sincere vows made in one’s early twenties should be subject to renegotiation when circumstances change.
Please note that I’m *not* talking about cheating. I’m talking about two partners who work together to redefine the boundaries of the relationship.
I would never say that you personally should open up your marriage. You can be a “trusting and trustworthy spouse” in any way that you and your partner decide. I would not belittle you for carrying out your relationship like this.
Why would you belittle people who do things differently from you?
I’m getting married in a few weeks and I’m not going to promise to forsake all others anymore than I’m going to promise to obey. If you want a spouse who is going to forsake all others (or obey, for that matter) we shouldn’t get married.
Good thing we’re not.
Problem solved.
Congratulations!
I don’t believe I’m belittling anyone, if I have I apoligize. My point is simply this; if you make a commitment, stick to it. If you give your word, honor it. If this could be an issue for you don’t get married. Problem solved.
“…this halfway, what ever makes you feel good shit. Newsflash for all you Men who want a little strange…”
If that’s not belittling then I don’t know what is.
My point is this: No one knows what marriage is going to be like when they get married. No one. It *might* make sense to renegotiate the details at some point during a marriage.
Problem solved.
Your right, I stand corrected.
aag, Great points!
I would also like to say, however, that not being happy “with what you’ve got” doesn’t always just mean SEXUALLY.
AND, Sometimes people need stay married even when they don’t want to, and negotiating non-monogamy is not an option for everyone.
Don’t judge. Live your own life.
Absolutely. I would never tell someone that they *should* practice non-monogamy or that it is better than monogamy. It’s just another option that might work for some.
I think that instead of “letting” the spouse do something, as a means of controlling him, it is better to “allow” for honesty. Men are not dogs on leashes, that we rein in and escort to hydrants to urinate.
It is truly up to the couple. I do not totally understand the dynamics of it all but I do not have an aversion to it. It is not my job to tell adults how to run their sex loves.
However, it is a two-way street. If one partner decides to broaden horizons, it should be with honesty, not as a bully or tyrant. It should not be shock to the partner wanting more to also get ready to be alone, for some cannot abide such things.
People change. And they should realize that small changes might result in big ones, good or bad.