Secret Ceres, I’d like to introduce you to my readers. Readers, please meet Secret Ceres:
Copy pulled directly from the website, with my comments in bold:
The biological exfoliation of the callus inside of the vagina sensitizes, cleanses and regenerates the vagina as well as having a positive effect on the consistency and aroma of its secretion. Am I reading this correctly? Are they saying that the vagina develops a callus? Are they kidding?
Briefly wet the Secret Ceres under running water and insert it into the cleansed vagina. Cleansed? I thought Secret Ceres was supposed to do the cleansing!
Insert Secret Ceres up to two thirds into the vagina and hold it with your thumb and index finger at the end that sticks out to secure it. You certainly wouldn’t want your finger and thumb to touch the end that’s actually inside the vagina, because that is icky!
Leave Secret Ceres max 90 seconds within the vagina without tightening the pelvic floor. Translation: Do not squeeze because your already perfectly powerful vaginal muscles might break it.
4. After the application rinse the stick under running water and carefully dry it with a towel. Right, because we wouldn’t want that nasty infected vag all over the stick, would we?
After the first few applications of Secret Ceres the dead skin cells inside of the vagina will peel off and leave the vagina in a tender, cleansed and regenerated state. The fact that this product peels skin from the inside of the vagina is a selling point? But they’ve got one thing right — I’m sure the vagina is “tender” afterward.
An unusual smell coming from your vagina can be a sign of infection. Well duh.
Vaginal infections caused by bacteria often produce a fishy smell, as do sexually transmitted infections. If this is the reason behind the smelly vagina, treating the problem should eliminate the foul odor. Ya think?
Secret Ceres is a fantastic treatment method because instead of being specialized to one particular type of infection, it contains natural ingredients that neutralize all kinds of infection-causing bacteria and fungi. Do you have proof of this? No? Then no it doesn’t.
Wouldn’t it be convenient if there was an organic, natural treatment that covered all the potential types of vaginal infections? Yes it would be! Alas there is not.
One of the newest products on the market is Secret Ceres. This unique product contains soothing components such as white clay, pomegranate, and fine crystals of calcium carbonate. These ingredients are much more appealing than the unpleasant creams and pills that are typically used to treat an infected vagina. More appealing in your dishes, in your Lion on the Beach, or in your antacid tables, perhaps, but then again lots of things would be even “more appealing” than those. Unfortunately “more appealing” does not mean “effective.”
When choosing a product to treat any kind ailment, especially one this delicate, a big concern is side effects. Everyone has seen the commercials for medications whose side effects sound worse than what the product is supposed to be treating. With Secret Ceres, this isn’t an issue. Since the ingredients are all-natural, the risk of negative side effects is low. Poison ivy is all-natural too, and you don’t see me rubbing that on my cunt now do you?
Since many centuries Asian women have used Secret Ceres as a natural means to purify and tighten their vaginas as well as to rejuvenate and nurture their female organs. Could this product have been shilled without the Asian-women-have-exotic-sexual-superpowers meme? Of course not.
Secret Ceres’ cleansing and deodorising effect alleviates any insecurity women hold in respect to their vagina and leaves women feel entirely purified and fresh. No, see, it actually intensifies those insecurities. Thanks, Secret Ceres!
To everyone reading this who has a vagina: Let me assure you that your vagina is beautiful and perfect in its natural state. It requires neither sticks of clay nor pointless, overpriced creams. Do Kegels if you like, but buy “vaginal exercisers” only if you like how they feel.
And please don’t ever buy the kind of nonsense Secret Ceres is trying to sell.
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Thanks Minivan Libertine for sharing this abomination. Want to see the site? It’s MySecretCeres dot com.
Well, this should certainly help you develop vaginal callouses, if that’s even possible. Also bleeding, infections, and wtf why is this thing even legal. They imply it can treat STIs!
neutralize all kinds of infection-causing bacteria and fungi
In which case it would also neutralize the necessary bacteria in the vagina, leading to more infections. Really terrible ones, if your vaginal walls are “peeled”!
I don’t need to be “purified”, thanks. UGH.
It probably isn’t legal to market it in this way, at least in the US. It will never appear on my site.
I hope nobody avoids going to the doctor to try this thing out, because it’s a waste of time and money. I doubt it causes your vagina to peel, though. “Biological exfoliation” is a nonsense phrase; exfoliation is a mechanical process, not biological. Unless they have harnessed the power of flesh-eating bacteria to give you that fresh, just stepped out of the shower feeling all day long.
After the first few applications of Secret Ceres the dead skin cells inside of the vagina will peel off and leave the vagina in a tender, cleansed and regenerated state.
FUCK. THAT. NOISE.
Would anyone ever suggest that a man should shove a hunk of dry clay up his ass to “rejuvenate” it?
NO!
Or sandpaper his dick.
Actually this reminds me of the hygienic “arguments” for circumcision. The problem isn’t just fear and hatred of (cis) women’s bodies; it’s fear and hatred of anything that might feel good for men or women. It’s anti-sex. It’s anti-pleasure.
This product might work well on my big toe, though. :-(
mail me
Um, why?
If you’ve got something to say, my contact info is all over this site, kthnxbai.
“Poison ivy is all-natural too, and you don’t see me rubbing that on my cunt now do you?”
ah hahahahahahahaha! you made me hyperventilate.
So, am I understanding this right? This product is a giant piece of chalk for your vadge?
Vaginal exfoliation? With a sandpaper stick? I don’t think so.
How terrifying! My vagina was clenching in fear as I read this. And no, it won’t treat STIs and it’s irresponsible, even negligent, of them to imply that it can.
Vaginas are indeed beautiful and perfect, and while they sometimes need treatment, they are incredibly self-sufficient and resilient.
Wow. Just wow.
While I’m no OBGYN, my knowledge of anatomy and physiology tells me that the vagina cannot become callused. A callus is a collection of skin cells. The vagina is a mucus membrane.
Also, WTF?! How can they legally even *imply* that this will help with STD’s?!
Yeah, I’m really curious about that too.
They have, in tiny print at the very bottom of the page, this disclaimer: “All material provided on this website is provided for informational or educational purposes only.
Consult a physician/doctor regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to your symptoms or medical conditions.”
That gets them off the hook, legally speaking. It’s no different than how homeopathic remedies are marketed in the US. Shudder.
I believe douching is not good for you either. So this is asking you to douche first before putting this thing in your crotch first?
I rarely douche but when I do its for a good cause/reason.
Oh and loved the poison ivy comment.. Cracked me up!! LMAO!
So the product itself is bad enough, but have you looked at the stuff on their website?? Check out this article.
http://mysecretceres.com/seven-ways-to-get-a-beautiful-vagina/
I am an avid lurker! Thanks for the great blog!
There’s no way I’d stick that up my cooch. No fucking way. That thing scares me!
Well.
It looks like it’d be ergonomically comfortable to hold while using it to buff off foot calluses.
But it would not be coming anywhere near my vagina.
a few things come to mind when reading this: ouch, and ew, and why?!
btw, have been lurking for a while, really liking your blog!
Thank you Tasty!
“Wouldn’t it be convenient if there was an organic, natural treatment that covered all the potential types of vaginal infections?”
Plain old vinegar in water works for a goodly number of them akshully.
Or at least a helluva lot more than this stupid stick will ever cure.
..mh I don’t know why you girls are reacting that agressive on something like this. Seems you all just follow the writer of this blog.
I mean I think a lot of you girls use tampon. Tampon is ‘causing a lot of infections, bad smell of vagina and illness – besides that it is a huge money-making machine for the industry to sell small cotton balls for huge money and produce a lot of garbage with it. This product don’t seem that bad – it sounds rather interesting because it only uses natural ingredients. I myself used a long time pomegranate and minerals.. I know an asian friend of mine who is using something like this since she is a young girl.. It s kinda of a tradition over there.
well I havn’t tried it out yet but maybe I will. I won’t judge before I havn’t tried it out. Sounds better to me then all the other industrial stuff..
We “girls” realize that a stick of clay cannot cure STIs as this product advertises. We also realize that vaginas do not need to be sand-papered in order to be wonderful.
Learn from us, Suzanna.
Other things that are “natural”:
cyanide
arsenic
crude oil
chile peppers
cat piss
bread mold
leeches
Just because it’s natural, that doesn’t mean that I’ll be putting it into my vagina. I’m quite selective about the natural and unnatural things that I’ll grant entry there, thankyouverymuch.
Oh, and the cotton that tampons are made from is natural, btw.
I want to gaymarry you, if not for this, then for your cooking. :)
.. I found a blog of a girl who tested this Secret Ceres: [link removed by admin]
Link removed by admin. No thanks, Suzanna. Nice try tho!
You know what amazed me about shills? That they’re so bad at it. We were once spammed by someone attempting to get us to carry his incredibly stupid lame novelty product which I won’t name but whose initials were “Love Leash.” He created five different email accounts and sent us exactly the same “Do you carry this? I want to buy one!” message… from the same IP address.
The initials were “Love Leash”?
:)
Well, yeah. It’s not like I’m going to let everyone know that the manufacturer of the “Love Leash” was engaging in moronic shilling games. That would be unprofessional of me.
Right. Of course not! :P