***Whoops, this posted several hours ahead of schedule. Please to forgive the regrettable error that allowed a draft to go live before its time. —aag***
The two sides are set to meet with a third party, an impartial observer and mediator who is equipped to help us resolve enough of our differences that we can face life in a civilized fashion.
That is, in theory, the goal. I have no hope that it will actually happen, and as the hour of our meeting ticks incrementally closer I grow more and more paralyzed to the point that I’m pecking out this post now with the near-certain knowledge that I won’t be able to afterward.
I foresee two possibilities. First, I could be roundly excoriated by the counselor for my tattoos, purple-blue nail polish, excessive tummy, lack of proper employment, intractable promiscuity and overall “lifestyle” mayhem. He is a Christian; because of this I fear that any weirdness on my part will solidify in his mind my parents’ belief that I am a horrible human being. If this happens I am prepared in a grim sort of way to fold his advice into a very tiny wad, slip it beneath my waistband, and ignore it just as steadfastly as I have ignored lectures without number from my parents on identical topics. In this timeline the net change in our relationship will total a big fat zero. We will be left exactly where we started.
Well, other than the fact that during the week I spend folding up the advice, I’ll wish more than anything to disappear into the earth from having yet another respectable human being tell me that I’m horrible. There is that. But as I count damage to myself as nigh onto nothing, we will not worry about that week.
In the other possible future the counselor ignores the ways I differ from the average American and advises my parents to do the same. He confirms that Christian or not, forgiven by God or not, I have every right to protect my children as I see fit.
This might seem like a more positive outcome but first appearances are deceiving; such an occurrence would no doubt cause my parents’ dislike to grow even more intense as they become convinced that I set the whole thing up. Or that the counselor wasn’t as good of a Christian as he originally seemed to be. Or both.
I cannot foresee any other possibilities.
You are not horrible. You are true to you and you show your children that they can choose to be whomever they want, because their wild haired, nail-polish wearing mom can hold herself together and live her life wonderfully. That’s all that matters right now.
I have to remind myself of this every day.
“I’ll wish more than anything to disappear into the earth from having yet another respectable human being tell me that I’m horrible.”
How do we know he or she is respectible? What truly Christian, truly “respectible” person judges someone else by the color of their nailpolish or the size of their tummy?
There can be nothing wrong with trying to protect your children from a known (to you) evil. That you see no up side to this meeting has me wondering why you’d even go, but I wish you luck, an impartial mediator and some middle ground.
What if he offers some non-judgmental advice? Would you listen to something that didn’t require you to changing your “tattoos, purple-blue nail polish, excessive tummy, lack of proper employment, intractable sluttiness and overall “lifestyle” mayhem”? Are you willing to meet your parents (I assume this is your parents) somewhere in the middle – even if they are unwilling to meet you anywhere but their staked out moral high ground.
I, recently, saw a quote form the Dali Lama, “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” I believe that this should be the Christian view as well. Just because your parents are authoritarian and judgmental that doesn’t mean that this Christian mediator will be. But I am confused as to how and why his religion came up. I am also unsure how/why this is relevant to his job as a mediator.
And an interesting off topic article..
Middle-Age Women Sexually Adventurous as Fertility Dwindles
The mediator’s religion is germane to this situation, I would surmise, because he/she was sought out/suggested by AAG’s parents. Given that, AAG’s assessment of the likely outcomes is potentially spot-on. While it’s unlikely any substantive relationship changes will obtain, AAG’s parents should at least walk away knowing that their daughter still cares enough to try.
If they claim you are horrible then they are not a respectable person. Anyone offering them respect is wrong.
If nothing else, you can go in knowing that you’ve tried your hardest, behaved like an adult, and taken the high road. If nothing else, you’ve set a fine example for your children about compromise, and how to be a good person. A much better example than you were given.
That in itself is an accomplishment you can be proud of.
AAG, is this some legal thing? Are your parents suing for some sort of visitation with your children? That scares me.
No, not at all. The only goal — the only stated goal — is to improve the relationship.
You’re a good person, aag. The lengths that you are going to just to have a relationship with people that seem totally closed-minded and not good Christians, attest to that fact.
Several years ago – the partner in crime and I did the same thing with his parents. They picked the Christian counselor. They brought printed out pages of my blog. The whole thing quickly dissolved into what a horrible person I was. It was terrible.
The low point was when the partner in crime admitted to having a serious drug problem several years before, and credited me and our relationship in helping him get past that – and his mother interrupting him to say what she really wanted to talk about was how I was a giant liar. And the therapist was unable or unwilling to guide all of this into a healthier and more productive discussion.
Oh lord, that’s awful. I’m sorry. :(
I can see that you are worried that the counselor will have the same opinions of you that your parents do. Not all Christians are as judgmental as your parents. (they do, however, look for Christian solutions to problems – praying together, etc.) I would hope that this person will stick to mediating the differences between you and your parents and refrain from choosing sides. That is, after all, their job and a trained counselor does not judge either party, but helps each side see the others’ point of view and works to ameliorate differences.
And if it goes balls-up and your worst fears are realized, then please take comfort that you tried. You have no need to justify yourself to anyone. So what if you are “…excoriated by the counselor for my tattoos, purple-blue nail polish, excessive tummy, lack of proper employment, intractable promiscuity and overall “lifestyle” mayhem.”? While it would no doubt be an unpleasant experience, you do know that his/her opinion of you is of no importance, don’t you? Don’t fold it up and tuck it beneath your waistband – throw it away.
I wish you luck. Know that there are those who are on your side and will be thinking of you, sending positive thoughts your way.
I reckon it’s admirable you are even trying this hon. If it isn’t a positive thing, then it isn’t, but at least you know you tried no matter what anyone else thinks. And in the end you are the only person you have to live with. It’s your life, live it how you want to and Fuck The World if they don’t like it! That’s been my attitude for years and it works for me ;P I’m recently married again and we are expecting our (hers and my) first child in six weeks =D And no, we didn’t get married because we are going to have a child :P We were engaged before we made the child. *wrysmile* Believe me I never thought I’d see myself married a second time or becoming a father. Exciting times let me tell you!!! Anyway, in the end it will all work out for the best, so just be true to yourself, ok?
*hug*