Every day I am asked to be a little stronger than the day before. Every day I feel like I’ll fail. So far I haven’t, but each time 10am finds me hunched over the sink sobbing so hard I know breakfast’s going to make a reappearance I doubt my ability not to fail the next time the pressure ramps up.
If I were religious I would gladly fall into the arms of the promise that God only gives us what we can handle. Alas I am not, so I cannot believe that an invisible father gives me trouble in pieces cut small enough to chew but not choke. No, they come instead in a punishing rush that neither knows nor cares if I’m able to manage.
I’ve made a name as The One Who Can Handle Everything, and the people in my life have become used to me Not Making a Fuss no matter how badly things break. Stoic, I’d rather calmly answer, Missing arm? What missing arm? Oh that missing arm. Right, it was a shark. Nothing really, instead of the rank emo screaming through my head, the emo which would like nothing more than to weep and pound and gnash teeth and (most importantly) be comforted and told that it’s all going to work out just fine.
It will work out. It always works out, or rather I always make it work out, but I would so like to hear someone stronger than me say so while stroking my hair and rubbing my back and kissing the top of my head and in general giving me the comfort I hand out to so many others.
I had it before. I don’t have it now. Maybe at some unbearably distant point in the future I’ll have it again. Until then I’m just going to have to muddle through my own.
Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count on no one but himself;
that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other
aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth.
–Jean-Paul Sartre
Hugs from someone who feels similarly despite not having nearly the justification for feeling similarly. You definitely are an inspiration. Your foibles show that the rest of us can continue forward.
Your life now is the sum of series of choices made by you, some of these affected by the choices of others, some solely influenced by you. The person who made these choices is you, even if that person doesn’t seem like who you are now.
Any pieces of life you get are directly related to your choices because your choices are what put you here. You overcame these pieces of life, bite size or not. You (or someone who was once you). Not me, not them, not God, not YHWH, not Allah, not Buddha, not Vishnu. You.
You say you want someone stronger to tell you it will work out all alright. You want to be placated as you placate others. Effectively, you want You to tell You that things will work out alright. Now, I’ll be damned (probably am) if that doesn’t sound like what You already do.
All in all, I’d say you lack faith. Faith in yourself. That when you choose to make things work out that they will. You want another to give you this faith in yourself. To tell you that are right, that things will work out or you’ll make it so they do. Why can’t this person be you? You who have overcome all of your life so far, to make it this far, why can’t this stronger person be You. Not the you who you are now or the you who you were or will be. But the quintessential You, that muddles through and chooses to muddle through and make sure things work out.
Because really who can be stronger than You? You, who are aware of you. You, who does not have to hide anything from you. You, who has chosen to go on even though the maze looks impossible; though you are in the Labyrinth waiting for the Minotaur to devour you, you still choose to move forward, to take that step forward.
You have summed up everything that I have been trying to live for a few years now. I’m glad someone has the same attitude that I’ve been trying to live for a while now.
There is no one you can lean on? No friend who’s there for you? A shoulder?
The thing about help and those of us who are “strong”: You have to ask for it. Most people assume you don’t need it unless you speak up. Don’t know if you have or not, but that’s been my experience.
I hope you get what you need soon, sweetie. It’s OK if you can’t do it all alone.
I have that person beside me to stroke my hair….but surprisingly, because he has no idea what it is like to be in my head, his pats and ‘it will be all right’ do little to make the problems dissipate. The battle is still my own. He can take away everything in his power, but he cannot change how my mind functions…only I have that control. Realizing that helped me turn a corner. I cannot control those around me, I cannot change what people do to me or what is thrown at me, but I can change my reaction to them. That is the only thing in my power, and even though I did not believe it for years, it truly is in my power. It took me years, it took lots of falling, but when I made it through my brother’s suicide almost 4 years ago medication free I knew I had turned a corner. I am still a work in progress though. My brain was pre-wired for problems, one look at my family proves that, but the brain is far more malleable then we sometimes give it credit for. I do not have religion to turn to, but I do have a spiritual faith of sorts that we were put here for a purpose…..and that purpose is not to live a life of pain and suffering. No matter my genes, my upbringing, I have faith that I was not put here to live that way and deep inside I have the ability to function at a different level. Heck, maybe I am living this particular life just to get past this mental obstacle in particular….who knows. I grasped that idea and used it to fuel changing my reaction to the world.
I say all of this from a place of deep compassion. I feel for you, and if I had the power, I would take away the overwhelming feeling that I know engulfs you…….I know that feeling far too well, and it is something that always pains me deep in my heart to watch another go through. I would not wish it on my worst enemy…..
You might look into empathy (if you have not already)……being an empathetic person can in a way draw others to you that are in need of help….but if you are not aware of this ability, then you end up suffering the most in the deal. There are techniques to help others but not take on their problems physically and emotionally.
I second the vote for improving your social support network. “A friend in need is a friend indeed” goes both ways. We all have those days, “many hands” make light work of them.
BTW, if you WERE religious, you’d have to presume not only is a vengeful God providing you with burdens, but the Devil is also providing you with burdens beyond your ability to bear, how horrendous would THAT be?
Be glad we get to deal with these things on our own, without extraterrestrial interference. (Nor terrestrial individuals trying to influence our behavior.)
AAG, who I don’t know at all, and only imagine I know through the beauty and strength, humour and insight, wisdom and folly that you share with the world through your website, I would do that for you.
I would give you hugs and make you tea and stroke your hair and let you cry, if I possibly could.
I would open my home to you as a safe place to hide for a while, and do my best to be a strong shoulder to lean on when the winds get too strong.
I think you’re amazing for things you accomplish, but more importantly for the person you are. Maybe it’s weird to feel that way about a digital stranger, but I wish I could take your burdens away from you for a little while and allow you to be the one who leans on someone else for a change.
This resonants loudly with me. In my cracked bell jar. I understand completely. She Who Can Handle Everything…feels like buckling under, but we fake it & wrestle it & fake it some more. Most people don’t truly see the demons nipping away at our brain.
What Randy said about faith, brilliant – “you’d have to presume not only is a vengeful God providing you with burdens, but the Devil is also providing you with burdens beyond your ability to bear” I feel like that Every.Day. I previously had faith in my life, until the bottom fell out. Becoming disabled, divorced, destitute & then losing 5 close family members in less than 3 years. Shook me to my knees, I have yet to come out of my depression & not sure that I ever will. Just keep treading water & enjoying what I can. I yearn for a friend to stop by & take the role of “it’s going to be ok”–because I’m not believing it right now. I know it will…but..just want to hand over all the hard stuff & say “here–take it, i can’t” and let me think for a half hour that all i have to do is just BE. And, the petting is always nice. ;)
You are an amazing woman. Strong, talented, diverse, loving, funny & brilliant….and flawed. Flaws are what make us unique. I hope you have a moment today to realize how many lives you touch & make better. Take care darlin, you are loved.
My inbox is always open, sometimes it’s good to let loose & dump your problems with a stranger.
The corollary of that asinine, ‘God only gives us what we can handle’, mantra is that if you CAN’T cope with what you’re having to handle then you’ve failed the deity who wished it all on you in the first place. Iron Age beliefs – where WOULD we be without them, eh?
I suspect that you have more strength, resolution and determination than all of your devoted readers put together – good on you! :o)
When I’m in desperate need of some sort of a higher power, I really recommend the Lamp character from the “Hothead Paisan, Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist” comics. Actually, the comic itself is pretty good medicine all around: http://www.hotheadpaisan.com/.
I am so impressed that you are so brave to admit your feelings here. I wish I were even 1/10th that brave.
I feel like anything I write here will sound trite, esp. coming from someone who doesn’t know you other than via this blog, but I do know: you’re not alone, and it’s going to be okay.
Your entry strikes me as raw and candid -which I firmly believe denotes true strength. I share this here out of respect for that and in the hopes that some part of it might be of any help or support.
I went through a severe illness, crazy divorce and the deep grief of the loss of a pregnancy. I think the things that helped the most
when things were the darkest where finding some string to hold onto that felt like a sense of purpose or a goal to reorient myself toward- and when I felt to weak for that – I did lean on friends though even in that I was concerned I would overburden and potentially damage those friendships-somehow some of them really managed to show up for me–so I know that can be hard -but these things helped and so did alternative medicine and seeing my health issues improve via that route. I know everyone’s situation is different but your ability to really feel and express yourself…even without knowing you…I can imagine great things in your future.
Your blog really hit me today. I remember a time, deep and dark, where I had to struggle each day – focusing on making it through hour by hour. I feel your anguish and so wish I could shoulder your worries and responsibilities – so you could relax on your own, get mentally comforted, and refresh your spirit.
Hugs and a smile.
As I’ve probably said before, you’re doing things right, AAG, so keep at it. I know things seem overwhelming at times, but that’s how things go. I really, really, really like your Sartre quote, too, and I think that’s all that really needs to be said.
You can handle everything. One thing at a time. No god required. Be your own god, like in your earlier quote. You don’t need to shoulder everything, though — if someone comes along that will share the burden with you, by all means let them help if they’re willing. But don’t lose faith in yourself, because in the end that’s one of the few things in which we always ought to have faith. <3
I now have Ruf to do those comforting things… but he only helps me to put stuff into perspective. At the end of the day, it is still me that has to make my own decisions and sort out my own shit.
Try lying on the floor and completely emptying your mind for ten minutes. It can be most clarifying.
You are a strong person and you will pull through… because it’s who you are x