As soon as I clicked “send” the knowledge that it was almost certainly a mistake lit upon my head. Because really, how could nudging my children’s mother to switch her allegiance from MySpace to Facebook ever be a good thing?
But it’s too late for second thoughts. She made the suggested migration and suddenly, like Justin Bieber songs or globs of oil on the Louisiana shore she is everywhere. I awoke the morning after my overly hasty email to find her comments in all their capitalized glory on more pictures and wall posts than I could count and an equally cap-tastic message in my inbox suggesting a meeting SOON? OR MAYBE TODAY?
This worries me very much. With new access to us will she fret over pictures of the children? Demand more visits than I can grant? Interact negatively with my friends? These ugly thoughts show me to be not quite so committed to the concept of open adoption as I’d like.
It’s a phenomenon I’ve felt since the first time I allowed worlds to collide between one aspect of my life and another, and the rule seems to be this: The more people I let in the more likely it is that feelings will be hurt if I’m not very, very careful of what I say — and I am so frequently not. I’m certain that every other blogger knows the moments spent with fingers itching to write but paralyzed by the certain knowledge that the words let loose have the ability to hurt, and hurt badly, someone who might read them. We all face it, and almost five years into a life shared online you’d think I’d know better how to manage it.
I don’t.
What I really need is a sooper-seekrit place to write that’s accessible to no one but me. Into it I’ll pour my thoughts without fear of offense or censure. Maybe a paper journal stuffed beneath the mattress would work?
Never mind.
————
Oh hey look. A sale!
It’s difficult to draw lines anymore, especially when everything is so public (especially on Facebook, with all the privacy flaps lately) — but I think you do a good job of it. It may be that like any new toy, she’s just trying things out and playing around with FB, so perhaps this is a phase that will pass? I hope so in any case.
Don’t stress too much about being careful about what you say — you’ve got to be able to express yourself, and if others don’t like it, that’s their problem. I’ve always appreciated your openness and honesty, and found it refreshing in a world full of smoke and mirrors… and even your most periphrastic of posts is still quite frank, with your acerbic wit and all :)
Boundaries are always up for contest. Your commitment to the concept of open adoption is one thing, and your experience of your children’s mother’s boundaries is another thing. Opening an additional line of communication with someone who already steps on the boundaries in other contexts is going to lead to the same kinds of issues you are experiencing in those other contexts.
Much of what I would like to say online these days is not allowed for one reason or other, so I have almost ceased to blog! My fingers are very itchy, but I’m managing to keep them away from the keyboard. Speaking of worlds colliding tho: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoQ08ONholQ
I’m bad at keeping my online life separate from my “real life,” too.
And this?
her comments in all their capitalized glory?
Made me giggle.
You can customize your privacy settings on Facebook. Go into the rather complicated settings, there’s an option to make visible to only “X” and/or block this from “X” on all the drop downs. According to recent news reports, the privacy settings should be changing (again), however, what I just said works on my profile right now. Good luck. :)
ALMOST a mistake????
Sorry dear, it WAS a mistake to let someone with maturity and self-control issues even closer to you. I suggest you follow the advice of Jen and restrict her access to your Facebook page.
I so, so understand the instinct to dash off a reply with emotions running at full throttle. Tempting though it is, I’ve had to learn to self-edit. Many times I’ve wished for a private place to post the thoughts I know I can’t publish on the web, but I don’t have the time or energy for yet another blog (I have a public one) and I’m not going to keep a private journal.
Something I’ve found incredibly helpful in my life is the “24 hour rule”. Type out whatever you need to in the moment, then save it as a draft or in a word processor file or whatever. Go back to it 24 hours later and re-read it. At that point you will have cooled off and you can edit, delete, send, whatever feels right now that the heat of the moment has passed. This has kept me out of A LOT of trouble.
One other thing; privacy settings or no, never, ever publish anything on Facebook that you would not want to read on the front page of the New York Times. If you have something private to say to someone, send an email or, better yet, call them. As to your current problem, maybe you should “unfriend” her. When she figures out she can’t access you, tell her you have no idea what happened and you’ll “look into it”. Then take your time doing so.
Time to make liberal use of the ‘friend groups’ feature. That way you can seclude close friends from work friends, family from your kids (they’ll be on facebook too someday). There will be fewer posts for her to see, and fewer things for her to respond to. But what she does see will be a happy, safe home for her kids, and perhaps, something to aspire to someday.
And if it gets to be too much, you’re in control of who visits whom when. You can always give a polite ‘no’. After all, you’re a very busy mom =)
“What I really need is a sooper-seekrit place to write that’s accessible to no one but me. ”
Sounds like time for some journaling software with a nice, secure password lock; there’s decent free stuff out there. Or, I don’t know how easy it is on a PC, but setting up a local install of WordPress on your computer is pudding-pie easy on a Mac, and it makes organizing all kinds of things (including a journal!) pretty effortless.
My typical mistake is to create a safe place for discussion some area of my life (e.g. by joining a site or starting a blog), invite someone from that part of my life to read it in order to share stuff with them, and then a few months later realise that I *really* need to write about stuff involving that person and that I can’t because they’re there…
Yep. If you want something to remain private, don’t put it online. If my website had no filter – WOW. It would be more interesting. People are always snooping and digging! Maybe you could invent your own language.