In retrospect I should have saved a representative bottle of each drug I’ve auditioned in the decade-long quest to shake free from my pathologically clingy childhood friends depression and anxiety. The amber columns would have served not only as a tangible reminder of every failure but also as a sort of macabre monument to my medical mistakes.
Picture it: Bottles precisely aligned and ranked by date in a shadowbox, each stuffed with the abandoned pills and perhaps a tiny slip of paper (would it be too twee to have them written in blood?) noting why each was rejected:
- Effexor: Did nothing when taken. When stopped, retaliated by stabbing me in the back of the head with an ice pick and sending electrical shocks through my body for six fucking weeks.
- Welbutrin: Felt ever so much better but suffered from random, constant tics throughout body. Fell like a rock when discontinued.
- Paxil (I think. The memory blurs.): Felt ah-may-zing despite the constant tic-ing of my left little finger. “I can live with my little finger twitching,” I begged the doctor. “Who needs a pinkie? Don’t take it away!” She not only took away the drug but also abandoned me. “I can’t do anything else,” she said, unmoved. “You’ll have to see a psychiatrist.” And I did — several long weeks later during which I thought of nothing but death.
- Citalopram: Worked well. Until it didn’t.
- Prozac: Worked. Stopped working. Many tears.
- Cymbalta: Made me sweaty and manic; produced heart palpitations and horrifyingly bad acne the likes of which no doubt made everyone I met think I was a 17-year old boy masquerading as a 41-year old woman. Withdrawal is painful, angsty, bitey.
- Lamotrigine: No noticeable effects thus far, including, I’m happy to report, this one.
Today I can add to the list this lil’ beauty, although I’ve only taken it once:
- Mirtazapine: Knocked out cold for three hours just minutes after ingestion; bonelessly drunk the rest of day.
And I can be all cute about art installations made of discarded medicine bottles but the fact is that this is a painful, humiliating process wherein self-esteem, never very high to begin with, falls even further because even when propped up by multiple powerful drugs, my body just can’t get it right.
I love you. I”m so sorry you feel so betrayed by your body. I wish there was something I could do for you. *hugs*
I relate to this post so much. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 15 – I’m 22 now – and the years immediately following my diagnoses were filled with various medications, side effects and the odd feeling that I no longer knew my body. I’ve been on a medicine routine that works for a few years now, but even though it keeps me stable for the most part my anxiety tends to be through the roof, and the meds (oddly) don’t do a whole lot for that. It really bothers me to know that I’m facing the rest of my life taking medication because if I don’t, I’ll collapse into a twitching, tearful, manically-coloring pile of goo.
Blah, this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense – I’m sorry about that. I’m going to post it anyway, though :)
I hope you’re feeling a bit brighter tomorrow, and that you find the right meds. <3
I got lucky. My first, Zoloft (or the generic form), has worked well. And its only side-effect has been a good one. Still I struggle with convincing myself to take it at the full dosage.
As someone who has been on antidepressants since she was 11, I’m surprised that you aren’t on a combination of pills (different ones, not just one type). I’m on Effexor and Welbutrin right now – not that I am recommending that for you at all. I’m just saying that sometimes it takes more than one type of pill to get the brain chemical balance right.
…Then again, it took my having a nervous breakdown at age 20 and ending up in the hospital to finally get the correct combination of drugs… Depression and anxiety fucking suck! Argh!
Wow! Quite a list…I really feel for you….
I think you’re a very courageous woman because you’re willing to put all this information out on the internet for others to read and gain strength from. How much will it be worth to someone who suffers similarly to you – but thinks she’s in it by herself? It’s worth a lot to me and I’m only someone who only suffers from a deep misunderstanding of those who suffer from depression. You are a stronger person than you feel you are. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Ugh. I’ve only tried one, Lexapro. I had blinding headaches the first few days, and slept 20 hours a day for the first week. Some weight gain. But the sleepiness and fatigue never really went away. As someone who already has chronic fatigue, it was brutal.
I was put on a combination of Paxil & Welbutrin for about 6 months prior to meeting ?. All I really remember about it was the terrible, horrible, violent, terrifying nightmares. You know that feeling you sometimes get when you’re almost asleep and just for a second it feels like you’re falling and you startle awake? I would get that, but wouldn’t be able to actually wake up. I’d keep falling, but my body was paralysed. The only way I could ‘save’ myself was to scream and fuck, I screamed. Those were the worse. It got to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep. Not much fun.
Oh darling, you simply MUST try the MAOIs.
I hear you on the self-esteem thing. One doctor I talked to (who was a total expert and a complete asshat) said, “I hear you have a bear of a [insert psychological diagnosis here].” There’s almost this attitude that our brains are being really rude and unresponsive if the medications don’t fix us up. Have you read The Noonday Demon? Great book on depression, except that it was all so impeccably described that I actually fell into a deep depression reading it.
This post and the comments are interesting to me. I suffer from mild chronic depression (no anxiety) and a low dose of Wellbutrin works beautifully for me with no issues. I guess I am very lucky.
Hope you all find something that works for you.
I’ve been on Effexor for about 15 years now. Four years ago, I added Wellbutrin. Not for depression, but as it’s other function, to help me quit smoking. (And I’m absolutely positive I couldn’t have done it without that.) The other effect it had, though, was to re-wake up my libido, which I hadn’t even realized had been dampened! (It actually did way more than just wake it up… but that’s another story. One that started this persona and my blog!)
I’d like to taper off of the Effexor, just to see if I really still need it. But the withdrawal is just too horrible. The brain shocks. Feeling like my self was just slightly to the side of my actual physical body. sweat shop sissy’s sleeping experience description sounds a lot like if I skip a dose.
As someone else mentioned, have you ever tried combining meds? Sometimes, I think, one will take care of the side-effects of the other. Obligatory disclaimer: IANAD!
Here’s hoping you find something that will work!
I don’t know if you have it in the US but I’m in the UK and I take Sertraline (also known as Lustral). It works well for my anxiety but then I don’t suffer with depression so may not work for you. I hope you find something that can ease your brain. You’re a very brave lady and you’re an awesome mum and an inspiration to all of us who may from time to time think we are less than the perfect parent xxx
I’m terrified that my Prozac will stop working. I’ve been on it for 16 years. I don’t know that I could handle going through a search of meds like that. It was the first one I tried and it works well enough. Add the Adderall and the Buspar and I’m probably as good as I’m going to get. The thought of having to switch is not a pleasant one. Thank you for sharing your experience. Talking about depression is so important to help people feel like they’re not just suffering in a vacuum.
Actually I was prescribed Remeron (mirtazawhatmacallit) for insomnia. That was on top of effexor + buspar. Go figure. I had good results with Lexapro in the past. Effrexor did nothing till I go to a very high dose. Luckily no side effects….
I’m on a cocktail of Cymbalta, Lamotrigene, and Imipramine. I started with the Imi and it worked pretty well for a couple of years (it was really cheap too) and then began to lose effect (though not all of it). We added the Lamo to supplement the failing Imi, and then bolstered the other two with Cymbalta, which helped a little when the other two began losing effectiveness.
Luckily I’ve never had a reaction to these or any other meds except Paxil, which gave me a mild case of hives. In the last six months or so I’ve begun to notice some slight weakening of my condition, so the Doc and I are waiting for spring when the sun is finally out to try some other things.
I do not look forward to that at all. Especially the part last time when I was driving across a high-rise bridge and my inner ear started screaming that I was apparently laying in my right side. You know, I never noticed how bridge railings at the edge of a 150 ft. drop look REALLY, REALLY big when you feel like you’e upside down and heading toward them at 70 mph.
In any case, be well my friend. It could always be worse…my Mom got electro-shock for schizophrenia, my Gandmother sat sans medication, but with the occasional human electroshock, in a WV state mental hospital most of her adult life, and my bi-polar sister sits at home drugged into such submission that she can no longer carry on a converstation longer than 2 minutes, during which you can time (using the big hands) how long it takes her to repond.
Feel better now?
At different times in my (admittedly short) life, I took three of the different meds you’ve listed above, and I to this day don’t know how much they actually helped. One day I decided to stop taking them altogether (I was on a mix at the time), and a month later, my mom asked if I were still taking them, and I said no. I then asked her if she’d noticed any change in my moods, and she said no. Case closed. I have my ups and downs like everyone else, so things aren’t perfect, but I’ve avoided them ever since.
I’m sorry it’s been a rough road for you with the meds. Basically, I’m saying I know how it is, I’ve been there. *hugs*
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with so many different medications. I wish wellbutrin worked for you! Were you given the suspended release (SR) wellbutrin? I found that I couldn’t tolerate the suspended release – my doctor said that any SR medication is designed to break down slowly in the stomach, but that some people have stomach acid which breaks down the medication too quickly (or too slowly), which is why it reacts strangely. Maybe that medication, or one of the others, would have worked better if it wasn’t an SR? I’m now on one wellbutrin pill per day (NOT SR), and it works beautifully. Not sure if you were on SR or not, but maybe you should check into it – it could just be that you were on SR (doctors LOVE to put people on SR’s because it’s just one pill a day), and your stomach acid broke down the medication too quickly.
> even when propped up by multiple powerful drugs, my body just can’t get it right
Back in the day, a sick person went to the local medicine man and was treated with leeches and prayer (dance, song, chant, whatever…). If the patient didn’t respond, who’s fault was that?
We’ve made progress since then, but more in some areas than others.
For appendicitis, we have appendectomies.
For infection, we have antibiotics.
For depression…well, there’s psychotherapy (prayer, song, chant, whatever…) and there’s anti-depressants. Unless you’d prefer the leeches.
Current evidence is that leeches are about as good as anti-depressants, but have fewer side effects.
Placebos Are Getting More Effective
http://science.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=09/09/07/1526234
Antidepressants Work No Better Than a Placebo
http://science.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=08/02/26/107234
And if you don’t respond to any of this, who’s fault is that?
I was told waaay back in the day that if you don’t respond to the first one or two anti-depressants, it gets harder to find one that works. As the new ones came out, I got to try them out (and all the lovely side effects).
That said, they only thing (and trust me, I understand what you mean by the empty bottles, been there!) that helped me was Desyrel, because at least I knew I would get a good nights sleep!
Hang in there, I’ve been off meds for over 18 yrs. now!
Your art idea reminded me of this one:
http://www.theage.com.au/news/entertainment/228m-artists-sweet-pill-to-swallow/2007/06/22/1182019365873.html
Love you.
Oh hey. That’s cool.
I like my idea better tho. :)
Lurves you back, K.
Long time reader, first time commenter.
I was recently put on Welbutrin (my first crack at this whole antidepressant thing) and while I thought I was okay on the low dosage my boyfriend thought I was moodier. When I moved up to the “therapeutic” dosage, I woke up crying every day, and couldn’t even THINK about going to work with out a panic attack. This lasted for about 3 weeks before I tossed it. Now I’m off meds again, and I’m not trying them again until after my university exam period. Lord knows this time of year is hard enough without scary side effects.
Anyway, enough about me. I’m so sorry all of this is happening to you AAG, and I hope things work out for you!
*hugs*
Steph
My body doesn’t get it right either. I hope new meds work well for you.
I had the same problem as you and if the new meds don’t work for you, I’d ask to see if Lithium would be right for you.
After trying several meds and med combos, it was a godsend. It’s a natural drug (on the table of elements even!), has a low occurrence of side effects and it worked on the depression and anxiety of mine. I don’t know why they don’t prescribe it that often except for the fact that its so cheap. You do have to get bloodwork drawn every so often, but I’m sure you’ve had that before with some of the others.
Good Luck.