Payment

My friend’s brilliant husband did me a good turn for which he refused monetary compensation. “You’ve got good sources,” he said. “Why don’t you see about replacing her missing vibrator?”

I did. “I’ll expect a full report about how it works out,” I warned. And a week later this arrived in my email:

So last night I got in bed, ready to try out the Eroscillator.  The husband was tired and fully endorsed my special alone time with the new toy. I spent a couple of minutes getting into character [ed. note: What does this involve, I wonder?], emitting a few “mmph” sounds, and then I grabbed the steampunk toy that I had already plugged in and I turned it on.

Except it didn’t turn on!  Moving the switch thing up and down did nothing!  “What the fuck…” I whimpered.

He answered “Ohhhhh… [insert tedious explanation regarding why that outlet didn't work].  You can go into the garage and flip a switch and it’ll work again.”

But I was comfy and warm. “Nah, I guess I can wait.”

And that’s when he pounced on me, saying, “Your little sounds turned me on.”

Then today after work I decided to give it a trial run using an outlet that worked. Holy Toledo. I wasn’t even that turned on and it made it all happen for me in like two minutes. I screamed, and then I screamed a lot more. I got up, looked at my toy, and announced loudly to it and the cats: “THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN!”

With a reception like that, I may start paying all my debts in sex toys.

Do you think my mortgage company would mind?