My proclivities don’t really lean this way so may I request your assistance in how best to respond to this query which arrived in my email last week?
Do you have any advice for a submissive who’s trying hard to wrangle the strength of a toddler’s assertion?
My partner describes me as a type-D personality; he’s a type-A, but he’s gone during the day while I’m home with our child, who is as strong-willed a three-year-old as they come. It’s always a struggle, and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do. Something in my demeanor apparently conveys to my cute, loving, and oh-so-ornery kidlet that his mommy is a wuss.
My partner encourages me to stand up to this little tyrant and develop a spine but it’s clearly not happening quickly enough. No matter what I try he digs in and fights until my meager resolve is worn down. I think he just ‘gets’ that I’m a wuss, and that it makes the normal toddler power struggles a lot harder.
I’d be happy to hear of anything you or your more submissive readers have tried.
Thank you!
–Type D and Terror Baby
So readers, what advice can you give to the submissive-leaning mother of a strong-willed child? Please help out Type D in the comments below.
The basics: Pick your issues because a lot of these toddler disputes just aren’t worth the fight. Does it matter what the child wears, when the child sleeps, wakes, eats? No. Not really. And the child is driven to assert a sense of autonomy, independence, and this is a good thing. Next, no hitting. Corporal punishment is never right, never productive, and it sends a terrible message. Also, I wonder if this mother is projecting her own internalized concept of herself upon her child. I kind of doubt a three year-old is thinking, ‘Wow. My mommy’s really a wuss and I’m going to use this to my advantage!’ A strong will is a positive thing in a child, in an adult, and perhaps instead of viewing this child’s strong will as negative, the mother can try to see the benefits in this trait and perhaps even emulate this attribute. Finally, relax. This time passes too quickly, you’ll never get it back, and the next thing you know you child will be grown and gone. I think a “submissive” parent can be a wonderful parent (children don’t need a domineering tyrant of a parent). Relax, try to look at things from your child’s perspective instead of seeing this as some deliberate ploy to take advantage of your submissive proclivities. Being more easy-going as a mother doesn’t mean you don’t enforce your personal boundaries, doesn’t mean you allow your child (or anyone) to exploit your personality. Children are programmed to rebel towards independence and as a mother you celebrate that growing independence while instilling within your child the importance of kindness, compassion, empathy, and fairness towards others. It’ll all probably be okay.
I’m not submissive at all, so I may be of no help, but:
1. I agree with Circe that you have to pick your battles.
2. There must be consequences for breaking the rules, and they must be enforced every single time. “If you throw your sippy cup again, you’re having a time out.” And if he throws it again, he has a time out (these should be one minute for each year of age). Then you discuss why he got the time out and give him the chance to apologize, then give him a hug.
3. Be consistent. What rules you have you must stand by very single time. Kids push boundries and will go as far as you’ll allow them to. I can stop my son with a single word: Enough. And I don’t have to yell. Because he knows there will be consequences if he doesn’t comply.
4. Remember that you are the adult. If he will not get up and come into the kitchen, pick him up and bring him to the kitchen (calmly). Do not argue or reason with him (but it’s fine to explain, simply, why he can’t play in the toilet).
5. If he has a tantrum, let him have it (at home), don’t comment on it and pick up where you left off before the tantrum started. Do not give in.
6. Use humor whenever possible. It’s a great tool to diffuse situations. When my son whines and carries on, I whine and carry on too. Makes him laugh and then we can move on.
It takes practice. And by all means, if you have to walk away for a moment to gather yourself, do it.
Good luck.
I prefer: “If you throw your sippy cup again, I will take it away. We don’t throw cups because someone could get hurt.”
The natural consequence of throwing a cup is that you no longer have the cup. You know?
I think there are a few issues at work here:
1 – while the mom in question might be submissive to her husband there’s zero reason for her to be submissive to her child. She’s the parent in that relationship or she should be anyway. Don’t confuse the submissive nature of your relationship with your husband with a lack of a spine. I’ve never equated submissive with weak – they are two different traits.
2 – the child is three. Its his job to push limits and test patience and yours to set and enforce those limits. Consistency and calmness is best in quelling uprisings. While toddlers are young they are very smart and will learn that mommy gives up if I do x behavior enough and then I get the reward. You need to stand your ground. You also need to pick behaviors where the child can assert his need for independence so that when you do stand your ground the child knows this is an issue where mommy means business and not just yet another thing he can’t do for no discernible reason.
3 – the child is three. If you think he’s a tyrant at three – keep letting him use you as a doormat and what you will have is a tyrant at six and ten and thirteen and thirty. Children look to us for examples of how to behave in society. Children rely on us to set boundaries and guidelines so they can grow up into adults who are self reliant and successful. If we allow them to go completely feral as toddlers there’s no foundation for them to build upon. Certainly enjoy your child and understand that he is a child – just let him know where the boundaries are. My children know our rules and that the only non negotiable ones are regarding safety and respect.
4 – I don’t know exactly what you mean by “my partner encourages me to stand up to this little tyrant.” I’m not familiar with the actual dynamic between you and your partner 24/7. I will say that children take cues from both parents. So if Daddy is dominant over Mommy in front of the child then the child may attempt to mimic this behavior especially when the child is a boy and trying to figure out exactly how being a boy works. Mommy and Daddy need to then decide if they want to keep modeling this behavior in front of the child. Regardless of the answer to that question Mommy and Daddy both need to be on the same parenting page and consistent with the child in what behavior is appropriate, where the child has choices and where he does not.
5 – consider your language. When dealing with a child it is especially important to phrase your statements as statements. For example: asking a child “if he is ready to go now” when what you’re really saying is “its time to go now” implies the child has a choice and when he chooses “not ready” and you scoop him up – of course he’s going to have a fit! So you may need to re-examine the little things like this and see his point of view. I mention this specifically because I’m guessing Mommy’s type D personality lends itself to a lot of this kind of language.
Ah the un-united front is a difficult road for a child. You and your partner have to have a united front that this little darling knows that he cannot break. Once you have set the ground rules, you HAVE to stick to them.
Please keep this in mind; a child learns all of its values by the age of 10. It is the parent’s responsibility to teach this child the basic skills to enter into the world and succeed in life.
When my child started to walk and talk and they were doing something that would be harmful or entering a no touch zone. Slightly elevating my voice showing sternness helped the child realize this was not ok and to move on. Yes there are tears. And yes I am a sucker for the tears so I do scoop them up and love them up until they are happy again. But I still won. They understood that no means no. Some stubborn little ones need to be shown this multiple times. But they get it. They understand who the boss is. Did I have to lay a hand on them? No. I tend to use that as a last resort. And one little pop on the butt is all it needs to get their attention and my point across.
I am a pro-spanker, but in reality, I rarely ever have to lay a hand on my children because by the age of 3 they have the basics – no, don’t touch, sit down, no whining, no tantrums down. Being a pro-spanker, I can remember each time one of us had to lay a hand on a child. It was painful for me as it was for them and I cried with them. I can also say that it took only one time to get our point across and we never had to do it again.
I know there will be people screaming abuse for laying a hand on my child, but you know what. This little person is my responsibility. He is a blank sheet of paper that has to be shown what is right and wrong. Has to be taught empathy, sharing and how to be a nice person with all the decent qualities you as a person would want in a friend and lover.
So now I will tell you this. I am the proud mother of 4 beautiful children. Ages range from 15 to 18 months old. One child is autistic that had a lot of behavior issues. He had to be taught that his outbursts were not ok and he had to communicate using other means. Did we beat him, no. Placing our hand over his mouth while he screamed and repeated to him in a commanding voice to stop and calm down is what we did. He soon did it to himself as a soothing technique to get his emotions under control. No pain and no abuse were used on my beautiful boy to help him grow as a person. He is now a vibrant, talkative well loved boy that everyone that meets him can’t see his autism.
And above all this, we can take our children to any social outlet and not worry about a tantrum or a lost child because we as parents took the steps to showing our children who is boss and how to be decent human beings.
As a parent of seven children (two with autism) I have been through it all with the kids. Some of them have been really easy going, others have been as stubborn as stubborn can be and and then there is the autism issues…
So, yea, what everyone is saying about picking and choosing battles is some of the best advice you will get. Also, don’t take any behavior personally. My husband has always been bad about that.
All kids will test any boundary you put in place and you have to determine what you will and will not budge on.
Tantrums…calmly pick the child up, stick them in their room, tell him he can’t come out until he’s done with with his tantrum, close the door and walk off. One of my kids (who isn’t autistic) used to completely trash her room when I did that. Once she even flipped her bed. After the tantrum had waned I told her she had a mess to clean up. After three or four times she stopped doing that.
Remember that you’re submitting to your partner, not your toddler. The best service you can provide for your partner is to raise a well-mannered /well-behaved child.
I would a suggest a behavior chart and redirecting behavior into other things. For example: coloring on the wall gets a two-pronged treatment. He gets to use a Magic Eraser to remove the crayon from the wall, and then paper to color on (that I’ve taped to the wall over the place where he colored).
Consequences here are directly related to offenses. Throw a toy, that toy must sit in time out. If you pitch a fit in the store, you won’t go with me again. Or we’ll go on abbreviated trips for one/two things.
I check in with my children. If we’re on the road to Crankyville, it’s incumbent upon me to head off the tantrum. Do we need to sit down and snuggle? Have a sandwich? We also talk about where we’re going and what we will be doing, and expected behavior while we’re out.
I’ve abandoned more than one cart full of groceries in favor of taking a misbehaving child home if the above doesn’t work.
Good luck!
Hi! I’m the one that mailed AAG about this. Just to toss a few things out that might help clear up some stuff :p
There isn’t a D/s relationship, it’s actually the most ‘normal’ relationship I’ve ever had, in terms of being vanilla vs sub/Dom and all that. And by trying to give me a spine, I mean he encourages me to be more ‘me’ and less of ‘trying to be a pleaser and let people walk all over me because I’m not a very stand-up-for-myself sort and always fret about getting ‘in trouble’ for standing up for me’
He’s doing a pretty good job of leading by example with the kidlet, and I try really hard to mimic his pretty no-nonsense approach, but what works really well for him seems to be nothing but fail and frustration for me. What takes him 5 minutes to sort out, somehow turns into a two hour long screaming fit from the child (even when placed in a room alone) and after a long day at work, or even just a long day with the kidlet, my meager backbone is worn down and I just don’t have it in me to ‘be mean’ or be the boss – since that’s really not my nature anyway, and it’s -really- hard for me step up into that role to start with.
I try really hard to be consistent, and really hard to not get emotional about it all and play neutral while handing out any kind of punishment or room time or taking away something… but I think the kidlet knows when I’m worn down and seems to push harder – knowing I’ll eventually cave because I just don’t have the right kind of oomph or whatever you want to call it at the time.
First, I don’t have kids, so my input will be about personality type and general.
Second, I DID have an S.O. who was a pleaser, note I said “was”. She no longer is using that form of manipulation in relationships. Pleasing is a method of ingratiating yourself upon others. You don’t need to do that with a child.
Finally, as you’ve seen, mimicking another’s techniques (IE, husband’s) won’t work for your nature. You need your own techniques! In this particular circumstance, it sounds like you need techniques that are not so wearing on you (half of punishment for a child is also recharge time for a parent).
“I just don’t have it in me to ‘be mean’ or be the boss – since that’s really not my nature anyway, and it’s -really- hard for me step up into that role to start with.”
There are other ways to effectively discipline. You might not be giving yourself enough credit for your own way of being a parent. But if you want to get more ideas, why not go to the local library and check out some books on parenting a toddler?
Your personality is irrelevant.
You need 1-2-3 Magic.
It’s a book. It costs $12.
Buy it. Read it. Do it.
The magic works, whether you believe in it or not.
–David Byrne, True Stores (in a different context)
Pheelyne, thanks for your input, that is helpful. The book 1-2-3 Magic is a good place to start.
I had recommended that you check in with your child. To be more specific, use HALT when dealing with Captain Crankypants. Ask (him or yourself if he’s mid-meltdown) Are you:
Hungry?
Angry?
Lonely?
Tired?
After a long hard day at daycare, I’m willing to bet that at least 3 out of 4 apply. When you get home, give him a snack and a good cuddle. Taking 5-10 minutes in the rocking chair with a boy on your lap is worth it if it means you’re not spending the evening dodging tantrums.
Good luck!