My eldest is a bit too young to have reached this phase yet, so would anyone else care to provide words of wisdom for the parent who last week sent me this missive:
I have an adolescent daughter – precocious, cute, and too smart for her own good. She’s been taught the mechanics of sexuality and was even in the delivery room watching her little brother being born. She’s been given a primer on masturbation by her mother. Boys have discovered her; she knows why, and has kept most of them at arms length.
But she is the exact demographic for every teen vampire novel. While I have no hope of derailing her notions of true love that lasts for eternity (literally) I have a small issue with her awareness of the connection between vampirism and sex (and her own sexuality). In and of itself, I get the fetish – but I just don’t want that being the original one shaping her own understanding of mature coupling.
I would rather she be reading something more explicit but more honest about the emotions and interactions of the characters. I worry that this new version of Harlequin Romance for teens creates an expectation that reality just can’t meet.
Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions for alternative reading material?
Leave them in the comments below.
Since they already have such a great, open relationship with their daughter, perhaps the parents should read the book(s) too. Then they can discuss the characters, how realistic they are, what kind of flaws they have, etc. (Like how Edward Cullen is a fucking creeper and guys like him are generally bad news.) ^_^
I have to giggle here a moment. I have three teenage daughters (14, 15 and 16) who can not stand these vampire novels. In fact, my 15 and 14 year olds would like to stage a book burning with every copy of these books in existence. My 16 year old couldn’t be paid to read them.
There are a lot of things that are out there that has the potential to skew the perception of reality from Hollywood movies to TV shows to books to peers to the sensationalized story on the news to the tabloids. Every day we are bombarded with this stuff. Some say some of this has been given young women and teenagers the wrong idea about body image, but having known two girls with eating disorders, one while I was in high school, the other while in college, I can tell you that peer pressure has more to do with this than the media. By the same token, your daughter is going to see reality in the relationship that you have with her mother, the dynamics between other adults she knows and with the blossoming and failing relationships of her peers.
Fantasy is just that, fantasy, an escape from reality. Don’t worry too much, while all girls have some dreams that are based in fairy tales they are smart enough to know what is and isn’t reality.
I’d suggest checking out some books by Francesca Lia Block, like the Weetzie Bat books. They’re waaaay cooler, and deal with sex and sexuality in a much more honest fashion. She sounds like she’s just the right age for them. I loved them when I was about 13 or 14, but I feel like I’d enjoy re-reading them now that I’m older, too.
I recommend the Jessica Darling series by Megan McCafferty – http://www.meganmccafferty.com/books/ It starts with ‘Sloppy Firsts’… I wish I’d read the series when I was a teen.
“I would rather she be reading something more explicit but more honest about the emotions and interactions of the characters.”
Well, I’m sure you would, and she might rather that you never have sex with her mother, because that’s a gross idea–but oh well. It’s great that you and her mother are so open with your daughter, but really, the imaginative landscape of her sexuality is her business now. The idea that vampire books will be the “original” influence on her sexuality seems implausible to me–she’s lived in the world for over a decade, and so is already immersed in our romantic and sexual culture, however sublimated it might be. In fact, if you were worried about her getting a distorted, overly romantic, and un-”realistic” view of romance and sex, you’d have been advised to start the censorship with fairy tales, move on to Jane Austen, and be sure to cut out Tolkein (humans and elves, together, oh my! For the dirt on how dirty fairy tales really are, read anything by Maria Tatar.)
By the way, I’m not a parent, but I get your concern. My dad REALLY did not want me to read Ken Follett books when I was a teen–there’s lots of pervy sex in the ones I did get my sweaty little paws on. And I won’t say they didn’t influence my sexuality–they did. But when he told me he didn’t think I should read those books, I read them on the sly, which of course only heightened their allure. At most, I suppose you could give her other books that show other types of relationships (um, The Bridges of Madison County??!?)–encouraging more reading is always a good thing. All in all, from your description, it sounds as though your daughter is old enough to shape and explore her own erotic wants and desires. Letting her do so is really important for both of you, and part of the process of differentiation that a teen needs.
I agree with Sara, the Weetzie Bat books are good, though a bit purpley, prose-wise and they do deal with a lot of extreme stuff like self-harm, drugs, mental illnesses, etc.
I highly suggest the Tamora Pierce novels. She writes about a medieval fantasy land and conversations about sex are very frank and portrayed appropriately. The best would be the ‘Lioness Quartet’, in the four books the main character deals with being a sexually free woman, which is contrasted by most nobel women in the realm who are conservative . She also enters into various sexual dynamics/relationships with a variety of men. Not tons and tons, but a handful. She decides when to end each of them and which are healthy or unhealthy for her and she ultimately picks which man she wants to marry who fits with her the best. Of course, sex and sexuality are not the focus of the books in the least. They’re brought up in a natural manner.
‘The Protector of the Small’ quartet is also good for similar reasons. It follows a young woman through puberty to adulthood, and the crushes and feelings and relationships that develop as she grows older. It even discusses the main character, Kel, getting her first period and how she’s initially ashamed of it.
I find that Tamora Pierce, in all her novels, presents sexuality in a very healthy manner. I read them when I was an adolescent and I’d like to think they helped shape my unashamed and fairly healthy view of my sexuality. I still go back and read them. :)
(Though, I would note that they do NOT present birthcontrol in a good manner. It is a fantasy novel, so there are ‘charms’ women wear to prevent pregnancy. A preface about proper, modern birthcontrol may be needed. Though I do admit, the birthcontrol in the novels may be magical, but as soon as the main character becomes sexually active, she seeks out birthcontrol.)
That age is around the time I started “borrowing” my parents’ erotica books from the shelves in their bedroom. I’m sure they knew, but they never said anything. For what it’s worth.
Having just finished reading the Twilight books, I do see their appeal; the teenage girlie in me loves them (and the atheist in me loves the fantasy of immortality). Yes, they’re problematic but it’s not that big a deal. Let her enjoy them. And then slide her a copy of Judy Blume’s Forever.
I grew up on a diet of 80s teen romances and then moved onto Jean M. Auel’s prehistoric fuck fests. Yes, it did give me a rather skewed idea about sex and romance. But I didn’t have the internet back then. And I also learned about real life through experience. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
I remember Judy Blume with much fondness. And like Gretchen, snuck through my parents erotic library. Until my mother told me it wasn’t necessary to sneak.
You’re an awesome communicator. Does what you do best!
Do. Do what you do best. Damn it.
I have a 13 year old daughter who loves the Twilight books, films and Taylor Lautner. Only this morning her dad and I were discussing their appeal, or lack thereof.
Books that she also seems to enjoy and that I would recommend are the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson (really strong female character there – and she flies!), Kelley Armstrong’s Chloe Sanders books, The Summoning and The Awakening (so far – more to come)and if you can get them, the Georgia Nicolson series by Louise Rennison (as in the film Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging).
If daughters like vampires, do what I did and get a box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel on DVD and let them see Being Human on the BBC – my daughter much prefers Angel and Mitch to the soppy Edward Cullen.
I think we all agree that the Twilight books seriously suck (real vampires don’t sparkle)(and the author is Mormon for eff’s sake, and she’s just putting a new package on the whole Mormon propaganda thing) (I’m serious!). Having said that, I’m compelled to suggest to the woman and her daughter, yes, you guessed it, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Seriously. You can’t go wrong with Buffy. I mean, you can learn all you need to know about, well, life, the universe, and everything, from watching Buffy. My kids were exposed to Buffy in utero; they’re currently 12, 15, and 16 and we’re STILL watching Buffy. Buffy! Go watch it!
Really, any book she reads is going to give her a romanticized idea about sex and relationships. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just make sure she’s got other stuff to read too. Read the books with her and talk to her about them.
Read the Twilight series aloud together. Or listen to it on tape. It will be an excellent discussion starter about what good relationships do not look like.
If only Buffy were a book… There is some series that looks to be a cheap rip-off, but I doubt if it’s in the same vein (ha!ha!).
But a useful comparison/mashup between Buffy & Twilight, in video form: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM
Just as long as they are reading for pleasure then I would be happy. The day mine pick for themselves a book for pleasure over the tv internet computer games will be a day I dance for joy. So while this is a negative attitude. I hope one day to have your problem.
I agree with JB. Most kids pick tv, internet, and video games over reading so the fact that your daughter is reading something is really great. You may not like what she’s reading, but she likes what she’s reading. The books are for girls her age, so unless she’s reading something really inappropriate or for an older adult, I would let her read them. I remember when my parents tried to stop me from watching Buffy when I was in high school. I successfully watched it behind their backs. Don’t make your daughter feel like she has to sneak around just to read the book of her choosing.
If there’s one thing I’ve seen repeated over and over in the realm of parenting, it’s that grasping a handful of sand tightly causes it all to fall away, where a loose grip holds it secure.
Let her read what she likes, but do your parenting thing in the meanwhile. She can have all the dreamy notions she likes, so long as she isn’t sneaking off under the bleachers with a real-life gothboy who doesn’t have her best interests at heart.
You sound like you are a great parent who cares equally about giving your daughter freedom while ensuring she’s safe, which is an excellent mix indeed. Don’t worry so much ;)
I came home with a romance novel (Fabio on the cover and all) when I was in junior high. My mom found it and made me sit down and discuss how unrealistic the book was before she’d let me read it. She also made me read a book about what to expect from sex and losing one’s virginity. I thought it was all pretty ridiculous at the time, but it was probably better that she did do that. And when I finally got to read the book I didn’t enjoy it that much. It was pretty silly and flowery, which wasn’t what I actually wanted.
The book I read not too much later that was much more graphic and a bit more realistic (at least in the way they treated sex) was Tanith Lee’s Heroine of the World. It became my favorite book very quickly and part of that was the sex, which was extremely complicated emotionally
I have to second the Tamora Pierce suggestion. Those books definitely shaped my attitudes around sexuality and they feature powerful female characters dealing with part of a very male world. Helpful for any girl/young person who might one day choose a male saturated profession.
I have to start by saying that it is awesome the mother in question has such an open, honest relationship with her daughter.
That said – personally, I’m not sure about how much bearing adolescent reading has on one’s adult sexuality (are we going to have a whole generation of vampirism fetishists? That could get…bland. I doubt it though – while some Twilight fans may be drawn to the darker side of sex, I don’t think it was sparkly vampires that led them there…now True Blood, on the other hand, goddamn. But I digress).
My parents policed my reading material extremely strictly until I went to college (I never saw an R-rated movie until then either), but that time I had already realized I was into BDSM and other…alternative expressions of sexuality, although I did not have the language nor the ability/inclination to act on those desires at the time. And I had not seen anything beyond a couple scenes in movies where a character gets tied up or restrained (we’re talking Guinevere being tied to the stake in Camelot – a musical! for heaven’s sake!).
Now that I’ve written a novella, a suggestion for other reading material – she might be a bit too old for them, but I loved the Anne of Green Gables series when I was young, and those books have some very romantic moments along with, irc, some good examples of loving, healthy relationships.
Hope that helps!
I was always reading “above my age” – and was always very interested in sex. I started off reading “Harlequin Presents”, back in the days when the BIG finale was a torrid kiss. Wowie.
I also read plenty of fantasy and books like Mercedes Lackey – where there is a somewhat hidden, but also open lesbian relationship.
Unlike your lucky daughter, I discovered masturbation when I snuck “My Secret Garden” …. and learned that faucets, fingers, vegetables and all sorts of things can be used.
Did all of this color my view of sex? Sure – showed me there were more ways to stick two adults together than simply 70′s soaps would have you believe.
Did it make me more curious to try it? Probably not …. I would say I kept my virginity because I had already lived it out in fantasy and didn’t crave the reality.
Bottom line: Worry, but not that she’ll be biting necks …. hickeys are normal however ;)
My mother very wisely let me read the Sweet Valley High books, which she loathed but were very much in vogue when I was growing up, provided that for every few SVHs I read (they aren’t exactly complicated) I also read something she picked for me – Jane Eyre was the one I read in exchange for SVH 1-5, if I remember correctly. She gambled that I’d end up sticking with the good stuff, and she was right.
Teenage girls have been all about vampires since Dracula. I wouldn’t worry about it, personally.
I live in the area Twilight is set. Forks is our neighbor to the west…. so we get tons of twilight fans coming to see the area.
I also work next to a body piercer who does tons of these twilight teens and I get to hear them talk.
The Vampire fetish thing is big with these kids. It will surely follow them all their lives because it is being set in place at such a young age.
It is a bit creepy to me personally, but honestly I can see no harm in it.
Eternal love is a beautiful thought. Vampires are romantic.
It could be a lot worse.
I was basically allowed to read anything I wanted when I was a kid, including sexually explicit stuff (Sidney Sheldon, Harold Robbins, stuff of that ilk). The first big wave of historical romances with sex came along in the mid-seventies so I got to see my share of those too–not to mention the Penthouse magazines my brother had hidden under his bed. I knew the books were fiction, therefore I really didn’t believe what I read but enjoyed it. Give the girl credit for having a brain and being able to distinguish fact from fiction. Many can. As another writer said, it’s only if she’s sneaking out to see the goth boy that works at Hot Topic and looks kind of like Robert Pattinson that you need to start worrying.
Here’s a third for the Tamora Pierce books… I really like them. I started reading them when I was 12 or so and still do on occasion today. Start with the Lioness Quartet, the rest build off those. They present sex as healthy and matter-of-fact as well as having quite good plots.
There are good coming-of-age lesbian novels like ‘Annie on My Mind’ that offer a healthy view on sexuality, but I don’t know of any for straight people.