The other day this email from someone I’ll call Beatrix arrived in my email. Will you help me answer it?
I have a fabulous, wonderful lover with whom I have been exploring new delights as well as being confronted by some faulty programming. Not to be too blunt but I’m having trouble with anal sex.
I never tried anal before but it’s great with this man. However, I’m really bothered by the sensation of the outward stroke because it feels so similar to … well, umm… pooping. I’m terrified that I’m going to be messy all over him! So far, knock wood, it’s been relatively clean. I try to be aware and err on the far side of caution but I also think that has limited my enjoyment and caused missed opportunities. I am extremely bathroom shy and feel really awkward about this. Will this sensation-confusion lessen with time?
I’ve been sexually active for over 20 years and have had many, many orgasms but with this guy? It’s awesome, and I want so badly to be comfortable in reality with all these things that I’m comfortable with in theory. Do you have any advice?
I’m not sure I’d call it faulty programming, Beatrix. I’d be more inclined to call it Tremendously Helpful Conditioning.
Nearly every time since you were two years old that your body has noted the combination of ass-ular fullness plus outward movement, it has sent along a signal to your brain that you should get to the bathroom right now. And nearly every time you’ve immediately trotted your fanny off to the toilet to take care of business in privacy, only returning when all traces of the …er…event were completely eradicated.
You’ve been perfecting this response for nearly your entire life because it’s expected by everyone from the person who toilet-trained you to the guy sitting next to you on the bus that you’ll get it right every single time. Chances are that you’ve grown pretty darn good at it, as the rewards for being good at it (and the corresponding punishments for being bad at it) are high.
When you have buttsex you’re asking your body to ignore nearly 40 years of conditioning. It’s going to take some time to unhook the connection in your mind between that feeling and needing to go right now. The good news is that eventually your ass will learn that the sensation of ass-ular fullness + outward movement does not necessarily mean only one thing. It will learn that it can in fact mean two things, and the longer you have buttsex without the arrival of a poo-pocalypse the easier it will be for your brain to distinguish the two.
Nevertheless, you go rooting around up there long enough and odds are good that something will eventually break free. For this reason it behooves you to speak up to your partner. “Lover,” you should say, sporting a big smile and as much playful chutzpah as you can muster, “I so enjoy anal sex with you. But I’m always worried that I’m going to crap all over your dick.” Or, if you’re feeling slightly less playful and chutzpahish you could substitute “make a mess” for the final five words above.
Either would work, because they both give him the chance to tell you that no good relationship ever fell apart over poo and that he would adore you just as much after the poo-pocalypse as before.
Readers, I feel quite certain that some of you have experienced worries similar to Beatrix’s. Will you contribute additional advice in the comments below?
I HIGHLY recommend The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for women by Tristan Taormino. It’s filled with oodles of info delivered in a pleasant, and yes even funny way! An entertaining read that every woman I have recommended or given it to has delighted in.
I put a link to it on Amazon in the website link by my name.
It will point out that the vast majority of the time things are more clean than you might imagine there. It will provide info on how to clean if you desire to (in a healthy manner).
That being said, the male penis is designed to remove competitors’ prior semen deposits, hence the head shape, but rest assured anyone desiring the pleasure of poking around back there is fully aware of what other purposes that orifice may be used for, and will not be dismayed in the least were a bit of something were to appear. They might even find it even more arousing and delight in the “dirty” aspect of it.
You might also experiment when you play yourself, with a dildo or vibrator (condom covered or dedicated to anal play presumably) to discover that such play is surprisingly clean!
It might help to think about it this way? The portion being enjoyed with all those wonderful nerve endings is a passageway, not a storage area.
Or make that, the book link IS my name here, heh!
I own Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin, and it’s very very good as well. Also, does your lover have kids, or has he ever been around them? I got over any shyness when I realized that really, any anal-sex related accidents is nothing compared to daily diaper duty, and within the competence of most adults. Having handy wipes and towels (or that Liberator Throw aag always raves about) puts me at ease.
Yeah, kids’ll get you over any bathroom shyness right away.
I do have kids and while my lover does not, he’s also not the one with any concern. In fact, his attitude and gentle approach are a large part of why I’m enjoying this and wanting to be more comfortable with it.
Yeah, I’ve had it happen, and guess what? He loves me just as much as before! I like to keep wipes or tissues by the bed so I can discretely get rid anything that may have escaped wordlessly and with no need for either embarassment or giggles. Poo-pocalypse is now my phrase of the week!
I have some black hand-towels that do wonders at Poo-Pocalypse Clean Up duty.
This is certainly a situation in all of our lives when it is good to know we are not alone. We all worry about such things and we all over come these struggles in time. I agree with the former comments that your lover is gonna care for you no matter what if he is a swell enough guy from the get go. And if he DOES get all poo-shy over mishaps then he is most certainly a man you can deposit on the curb in his pants, but not before you give him a parting gift; the much loved book “Everybody Poops”.
I love that book!
Rest assured, you are definitely not alone in this worry, especially at first.
I would agree that with butt sex or even butt play in general one does have to do a little bit of re-programming in ones brain to get passed the idea that it feels like pooing and learn to focus on the incredible sensation that all the nerve endings in the anus can provide. I’ve heard it said many times that the brain is our biggest sex organ. If you can get your head passed it, you’ll be much better off. If you are at all apprehensive about it, the experience will be highly diminished if not even unpleasant for you. The best advice is to have a conversation with him about it. Tell him what your worried about. If he is truly a “fabulous, wonderful” lover, and he enjoys the butt sex, he would not make you feel ashamed if any “unfriendlies ” (as my Dick refers to unexpected poo appearance) should show up; but getting the reassurance from actually talking to him/expressing this to him, could do wonders. Also it might help to think about the fact that everyone poops…even HIM.
I have spoken to him of my concerns, quite a few times actually, and he’s been nothing but reassuring and kind. I am looking for reassurance that I’ll be able to distinguish the two sensations soon. Since we’ve been enjoying anal, I’ve noticed a new sensory response to thinking about it. I get that lovely clenchy feeling there and it is different than before. So I’m hopeful and now, reassured. :-)
For me, learning how to relax the internal anal sphincter was the turning point for optimal pleasure with anal sex. Again, I believe it’s a mind/body connection thing. Any inhibition on your part can prevent this “opening” from occurring. Perhaps this is the key to the sensation change you are hoping for. Not sure if you already do, but self-exploration/play can help tremendously with this. In my opinion, what makes for an incredible sensation is openness, rather than clenchy. Hope that makes sense and good luck!
I assure you that if he is well aware that poo comes out of one’s butthole, and if he is willing to stick his dick in your ass then he could care less if he gets poop on it. Really, that is NOT what he’s thinking about when he is wearing your asshole out. His objective is to orgasm. He’s a man for Christ’s sake, he’s just glad you are letting him fuck you.
We usually do anal in the shower…an accident back there wouldn’t give me pause but the wifey feels much more comfy knowing that the water would wash it away. Maybe a little shower practice (with water-resistant lube, of course) might help her ease into butt play.
I also second the vote for Tristan Taormino’s book. She also has a DVD devoted the joys of anal sex.
Aside from that, has no one considered an enema? Give yourself one a couple hours before you expect to have sex and it flushes out (so to speak) the poop that is closest to where all that lovely buttsex business will be going on. A simple over-the-counter saline enema will do it, like Fleet.
And have the dark towels and other things mentioned above handy!!!
yay buttsex!!! :)
Ok, related question: Are there health risks to mild, occasional enemas for pre-cleaning?
A little brown on a condom is nothing. A little on a bare cock (for the appropriate relationship) may be off-putting. A little on the tongue… Yes, the tongue cannot reach *that* far, but a bit o’ brown may drift farther out.
Applying a tongue is sooo nice. But then the tongue is “dirty” and cannot be applied elsewhere… Is an enema a sufficient cleansing for alleviating concerns over long tongue swipes? (Again, assuming such fluid swaps are ok in the first place.) There are oft quoted statistics about more bacteria living in the mouth than the anus, but those ignore the *types* of bacteria. Any baker or brewer knows that the type is critically important.
(And carolynn, you’re assuming he’s a man and isn’t interested in more than bit of play.)
I’m not saying there isn’t more than just lust and pleasure involved. However, IMHO, sex is a basic need for a man. It’s right up there with food, clothing, and shelter. I see that as a beautiful thing, I love it that a man NEEDS sex.
And *ahem* a woman. :)
Actually, while yes women have a need for sex, I think it is very different from a man’s need for sex. I think many men need sex like women need…let’s say, chocolate. It’s a must have. Not sure if that is a good way to explain it.
Sex is a basic need for human beings. Selfish gene? Evolution? Survival of the species? Sound familiar? No?
And if men need sex like women need chocolate then I think the Human Race is doomed since I don’t have any *need* for chocolate at all.
Actually, I think many men need sex but it is very different from their need for a grill; they don’t expect their partner to give them a Weber 7519 Gas Grill Rotisserie. It’s also very similar to a woman’s need for conditioner. They just can’t feel good or healthy without it. I’m not sure if those are good explanations, but they should work well enough since everyone of a given gender has the same needs (which are totally different from the only other gender’s needs).
I find these kind of gender comparisons really non-useful. I’ve had a lot of (male) lovers with lower sex drive than mine, and maybe one or two who could had similar “needs”? (Preferences, I’d call them, but just because I like the word.) The NEED for sex varies from person to person. The idea that men need it more or are always up for it does a lot of harm. Figleaf has written about this really well on his blog; am tempted to link to about 15 posts there but you can just look up Figleaf’s Real Adult Sex if interested.
This is a generalization. Men and women each have different sex drives.
Culture has conditioned us to believe that men NEED sex and are driven to seek out sex no matter the circumstances and women don’t have that same drive.
It simply isn’t true. We are each individuals. At times during our 8 years together, my husband and I have gone through periods of either of us wanting more sex then the other. As well as periods when we have equal sexual needs.
I wish my brain was working better to make a better arguement than this. But anyway, bad generalization of men vs. women.
Yes, it is a generalization, and not meant to offend. Perhaps it would have been better to say that men and women THINK about sex differently. After all, our brains are different, and we have different “drives”. There are always exceptions to any “rule” per se, but, it is my OPINION that there is a fundamental difference between how men and women view sex. GENERALLY,I believe, men are more physiologically driven by orgasm. Really, I didn’t mean to hijack aag’s post. My apologies, aag.
No worries whatsoever. :)
Ok, I have a question. I love anal play with small toys or fingers whichever my partner chooses to use. Why can’t I relax enough for his cock? Please help?
Maybe you don’t want it? :)
Well, as a guy who loves to do women in the ass as well as having them do me I can share feelings from both sides. From the doing side, I know what can happen and while not looking forward to a poopocalypse I know it can happen and always have a towel or two handy, preferably not white! In most cases is a woman’s cavity is not empty I can feel the stool (it actually feels amazingly firm) with my finger before fucking or my dick while fucking and will back off and let the woman take care of it.
As for the being done side. Personally I wouldn’t ever let a woman fuck me without having cleaned with fleet enema and a good warm soap and water clean up. That puts me much more at ease about any possible disasters. Afterall, while it may feel like you might blow like a Texas oil well you can’t pass what isn’t up there.
With time and proper preparation I think you’ll get beyond these very reasonable concerns and enjoy the best sex of your life! It’s so great that you asked and that you talk openly with your partner about it.
tripletrouble – It may just be that you get a tad nervous for the real thing. Maybe have him slowly work you with toys/fingers until you are more open than needed. That way it is an easy entry.