What I’ve been doing these past few weeks since my family made it clear that they’ve given up completely could fall under the broad heading of bargaining, an activity that’s all too easy to indulge in during this hideously family-centric season.
Should we send cards, I wonder? What should be my response when the kids speak of buying them presents? Do I make another attempt somehow to convince them that I’m not actually the anti-christ?
A less-patient man would have told me to dry up about them months ago (as would less-patient readers) but my partner listens intently as I pother and fret, even when it happens on the phone and concurrent with a session of cinnamon/applesauce ornament creation with my children. Unless I hide away in the laundry room when we talk, our conversations are heavy with kid-oriented interjections, shrieks and the occasional noxious emission from my darling boy.
“I don’t know,” I worried, trying to marshal dough scraps and reign in the overenthusiastic use of sprinkles. “Should I send them some of these ornaments as a gift from the kids?” But before he even had a chance to answer I yelled to my daughter, intent on decorating the walls with her brown-tinged fingers: “Wash your hands!”
He paused before answering. “Honey, you’ve answered your own question.”
And I knew without any question that he was right. I’ve done all that I could and more than I should. I wash my hands.
I think it is easy, and perhaps the right answer, to say that you should wash your hand of the situation. However, there may come a time that you wished you had tried a little harder, or given it one more shot, to make them come around and you should not let their response or lack thereof prevent you from doing so. Someone has to be the adult in the relationship, and clearly that someone is you. I have an “interesting” relationship with my father but I have also shaped it, and him, over the years by using his grandchildren as both carrot and stick. I wish that I didn’t have to do it that way, but we have reached an accord over the years. I have had to go to my parents for much more assistance than you have over the years so that may have some part in my interest in keeping a somewhat stable relationship with them.
It is now approaching a year since you and I met and over that time we have had untold hours of conversations on a myriad of topics. The one thing I am certain of is that you are a good person because were you not I would have not spent any of my time chatting with you. Nor would I have reached out to you like I have when you were the only person I could have thought of to consult with that I could count on for their honesty and discretion.
To make a long post shorter, too late, you are a far better person than to allow your parents misguided judgments to define you. I consider it truly unfortunate that we don’t live close enough to hang out on occasion but that is life in the internet age.
Parents are difficult, as much as we would like to sometimes we can never really break free of relationships with them. I think that you should do what feels right for you at this moment. From what I read it seems that right now not talking to them is right for you. That might change next year or the year after or whenever. I also think you should let your children decide what kind of relationship they want with your parents. If they ask you can explain the why you deal with your parents the way you do and they can make up their own minds. Of course I am just a blog reader with mostly excellent relationships to both parents and no kids. So these are just my two halfcents ;)
My rule is usually this: If doing something (something that is not essential, mind you) is uncomfortable or causes you distress, don’t do it.
The bottom line is, will you feel bad that you didn’t send them a card or gifts from the kids? Or will you feel bad if you do? Of course you may feel bad either way; in that case you pick the lesser of the two evils.
Whatever you ultimately decide, know that their behavior is not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on them.
I am struggling with this issue this year as well. Family members that have made up their minds to NOT be flexible in any capacity leaves me with only one option, march forward without them.
Life’s real easy when you don’t have any choices.
Hope your holidays are joyful in spite regardless.
Good idea.