Every death is unfair but some are more unfair than others.
A 90-year-old grandmother whose swift decline follows a long, full life surely experiences a more just death than does a child cut down by cancer before his tenth birthday. By the time I was half-way through my teens I’d seen both. That my grandmother suffered at the end was painfully obvious, as was the stress her care placed on my entire family. She’d been able to take almost no pleasure in life throughout the preceding months, so while I was sorry for the grief my parents felt, in whole her death seemed more of a relief than a cause for mourning.
The death of a classmate’s young cousin, however, brought nothing but questions. Why, after all the prayer vigils organized by every church in town including my own had the child died? Had we asked incorrectly? Or not enough? Was God’s plan so inscrutable as to require the agonizing death of a child? For the next fifteen years I asked this question in various ways as people in my circle died or otherwise experienced the ugliest aspects of life, until one night while driving home in tears from a funeral that followed a viciously unrighteous death I decided that God — if he even exists — simply doesn’t interfere.
At all.
The hypothesis fit better than any other. I could not accept that a god worthy of followers would allow some to suffer and evil to flourish unchecked. Nor could I buy that God answered prayers according to an unfathomable logic. Only a policy of rigid non-interference covered both the aspects of free will and human suffering. That, or we lived under no supreme being whatsoever. Either way we were left to our own devices and should expect nothing in the way of help from above.
Finally I was able to check the sobs that had kept me company since I left the funeral. Maybe I should have stayed in church all these years, I thought, wiping the tears off my face, for surely those people had figured out long before I did that God does not answer prayer. They’d figured it out — and still they believed. They’d figured it out — and still they talked to God.
I remembered the thoughts of that night recently while eavesdropping on two women from my childhood church who were discussing via Facebook the health of another devout parishioner:
Acquaintance One: Have you heard that Janet is not doing well at all? Pray hard for her.
Acquaintance Two: I know. It’s a sad situation for such a nice family. But I’m glad they have Christ in their lives.
Acquaintance One: Yes, I am glad, too. But the other side of that coin is how difficult it is to understand. Why is this happening to them?
Did they truly believe that only infidels died young? Or that a life of prayer guaranteed an easy passing? Almost through writing a reply which surely would have gotten me kicked off their friends list, I closed the browser and walked away. If years in church hadn’t convinced them that God doesn’t work like that then I certainly wouldn’t be able to in a paragraph on Facebook.
But I admit that my life is pretty sheltered from Christian-types at this exact moment. I run with an atheist, agnostic, pagan, secular-humanist crowd which sees prayer as at best a concentration of intention and at worse a conversation with an imagined friend. Maybe most Christians do believe in the power of prayer, and that good church-going souls should be the recipients of fair deaths. I really don’t know.
Those of you who are more familiar with current Christian thought on prayer should feel free to enlighten me.
It’s plainly obvious praying doesn’t work, that’s why when people’s prayers fails to accomplish the task they of God, they result to saying that it’s a part of God’s plan and that at least the person who went through the suffering is now in Heaven.
That they think this is comforting is beyond baffling, but I guess when you’re in such denial any nonsensical string of words is bound to help.
Yeah, they’re in denial. Without a doubt.
I would say that this is because with most things, when you don’t see results, you’ll stop doing them and move on to something else, but we all know this isn’t true. Most people are too stubborn to realize the failings of their actions and continue to do what has already been shown to be fruitless.
People continue to pray, despite the results pointing to either a god that doesn’t care or a god not existing at all, because they’re afraid. They want the suffering to mean something because otherwise they’ll have to come face to face with an uncaring world that holds no opinion whatsoever on the human condition. Which means they’ll do anything to make sure that they don’t have to face their fears, even if it means doing something that they know deep down is a waste of time.
I’m not saying that all religious people are in denial, just the ones who believe that there exists a caring and loving god, because if there was such a being, suffering would not exist.
There’s a quote by Epicurus I like, if only because it makes the case against worshiping a god, even if one exists.
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
That’s the thing about beings that are inscrutable. They are…inscrutable.
I certainly have NO track on the Christian concept of prayer in this day and age. The whole idea of “fair” to me is a very muddy one, it is not a clear cut concept when it comes to life. When one is young, fair is very black and white: x then y. If you share then others will share with you. Everyone gets a turn on the swing. If you do your chores you get your allowance. These are the things we tell our children to instill this sense of “fairness” in them. And when things do not go that way, most parents I know try to set things right so things ARE fair.
As we grow older, we begin to realize that this really isn’t how things are always going to be. There will always be someone who won’t share their stuff with you even if you share with them, someone who doesn’t let anyone else on the swing and by gum I know I haven’t been paid for chores in a LONG time. Fair? By childhood standards, no.
To me this is how one’s relationship with the Gods/God/Jehova/Yweh/Allah/the One etc etc etc is as well. When we are young in our faith (not age wise, but spiritually young), we want to be assured that things ARE fair, and a lot of churches preach that this is the way it is – the fairness is if you believe in X then you will die and go to a lovely place. (Insert your own nomenclature accordingly).
As we “grow up” in our faith, we do realize that “fair” isn’t exactly the thing we thought it was. Lives have many repercussions to them, branches of branches of branches – and who are we to know how those branches are to be entangled or disentangled or…whatever. What seems unfair in this moment may in fact be exactly how things are supposed to be. We are not meant to know that, imho.
In this case, for me, prayer is a conversation with G-d (or whatever names you want to call them/him/it/hir) where I do not ask for “fairness”, I instead ask for the best good, for an open heart to seek understanding of a possibly UNfair seeming situation, for guidance, for salve for an aching heart, for clarity, for a focused intention of need of whatever kind.
But me, I never ask for fair. It just doesn’t work that way in my opinion.
I’ve probably pissed a lot of people off in my phrasing of things here, no offense was intended but this is the innernutz and I know that don’t mean diddly. The “spiritually young” is not meant to be an insult but it is the only way I could come up with to make an analogy at this late hour to get what was in my head out on the page. Mea Culpa if you have taken offense at this – don’t hate sweet AAG for my crazy opines on the subject matter at hand. :)
Prayer isn’t necessarily the cure to whatever ails a person. The Bible is confusing about how God does mean for harm to befall us but at the same time God also wants us to be free from all pain. It was explained to me that God doesn’t mean for a child to die but at the same time it is His will. That’s not an easy thing to believe and accept. For me, it’s a Big Mystery that will only make sense once I die. I don’t know why some people die unfair deaths and others are saved from prayer. Maybe prayer does nothing and it’s only for our peace of mind, or maybe it is a petition for healing. But we pray because we hope that it’s heard and answered. The thing about faith is that you take the biggest risk in having faith and keeping it when the world doesn’t make sense.
My dog does as much to help others as prayer does – and I don’t have a dog!!! But I have faith he would, if I did :)
“To be beloved is all I need, And whom I love, I love indeed.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Sometimes I think that to pray is to fervently hope for something, and to hope is to doubt. So, I am not too sure how well prayer works if doubt is its foundation. I have no idea wether being a Christian or religious person has anything to do with the life and death that a person is given, or that life and death are better because of faith.
What I do believe is that we are put on this earth to learn. We are not here to blindly follow without understanding or because of fear. I think if humanity is kept in a persons heart than they’d see that there is very little that separates us- and though prayer is comforting it does not put you above anyone else. Our lives and our deaths teach us and those around us and I think that’s what/who God is. God is the force in the world that is constantly pushing us to grow and to understand. It is up to us to meet that challenge and not stand judging others with righteous indignation.
First, I don’t have the belief in God gene, so those who wish to discount what I say should feel free.
But prayer isn’t for other people, prayer is for self. Or to put it another way, when people pray for others, they are helping themselves feel connected to “a greater purpose”, IE, community. Remember the study that revealed Franciscan nuns deep in prayer, Buddhist monks in meditation and people under hypnosis had all achieved the identical state?
So prayer does accomplish things, just not what people might expect of it? Perhaps instead of wondering why appeals to God may or may not be effectual, why not pray for the ability to come to terms with such losses instead? Pray for the support of community to ease the suffering of those who remain? Pray for strength to endure despite such travesties?
Appealing to God is likely to just leave you frustrated. The first option may be enlightening and speed the process of grief. The second option might encourage turning to community and aiding others, which has been shown to be the fastest remedy and induce the greatest happiness. The strength option might increase your ability to function despite such situations and manage better the next time.
On another subject, I find the loss of someone young or infant to be the least tragic. At least they leave behind fewer heartbroken loved ones. I’ve had half a dozen of those in my life. The greatest negative impact seems to come from the loss of a parent–which I have yet to experience directly. That is horrendous to spouses and children and friends and relations and communities. In the middle comes the elderly, who often have already lost many of their friends/peers/spouses/parents.
If only we didn’t torture their end of life and provided better options like we do animals. Why do we treat our pets better than our venerated ones?
There is a path of idea that God lets us endure great suffering so we can better recognize and enjoy the true joys of this world. I don’t know if I believe it.
But I do know this: When I get home from Iraq this time like all the others I will have such a greater appreciation of my family, and the peace and security we enjoy that allows me to utilize the freedoms protected by our Constitution.
There have been studies that suggest that prayer can, in fact, have a positive impact on the sick. I think it could be true and have a couple ideas how that could be: 1. We are energy, energy surrounds us. Group prayer directs the energies of many people to one. 2. The sick person, aware of the positive energy being directed at him/her, creates their own positive energy which cause the body to fight more effectively.
Why it doesn’t always work, I don’t know. Why children have to get sick and die, I don’t know. Why horrid, awful people live long lives, I don’t know. I’ve stopped asking these questions and have come to accept that things happen that just don’t make sense and perhaps at some point they will. Or they won’t.
@Thomas: Thanks to you and everyone over there. We have an awesome country here where we can HAVE this conversation about prayer and belief without fear of reprisal because of that Constitution and those who defend it. Come home safe.
First, I notice that conservatives seem to have highly compartmentalized minds. Thus, injunctions to pray are not compared to results. They are two separate issues.
My father, a minister, had polio. One of the books in his library was titled “And God Said No.” It was by the parent of a young girl who was severely crippled by polio (worse than my father, who could walk in a Frankentstein way). It concerned their reaction, including intense prayer, followed by the realization that God does answer prayer, but sometimes by denying the petition. THey then went on to consider that God had His reasons, one of which was to teach them to appreciate what they had rather than bemoan what they lacked. Very Job-ish.
What makes current conservative Christianity imprenetrable to me is the insistence that God always says yes (Ask and it shall be given) while ignoring the many instances when this is just not so.
Againk, I blame this on the compartmentalization of the conservative mind. Lying is wrong: No Judge, we of the schoolbaord did not back Intelligent Design for religious reasons. We want to save medical costs by limiting prescriptions to three drugs (Texas); Many diseasses, including mental illnesses require multiple drugs and result in high hospitalization costs of the three drug limit is maintained; no we can’t touch the three drug limit because four drugs cost more money.
Sarah Palin undoubtedly views herself as a good Christian woman, despite ample evidence that she has violated one of the Ten Commandments (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor) repeatedly. These are separate compartments.
I’m not a believer, or a non-believer…and still I find myself praying at times. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s just one of those threads woven into my fabric at a young age. When I do pray though, it’s not with the expectation of results—it’s more with the vague intention of putting my good wishes out there into the world somehow. And (as trite and silly as this seems) I always remember a line Morgan Freeman spoke in the trashy movie Deep Impact: “God hears all prayers. But sometimes, the answer is ‘no’.”
I think that age-old question, “Why do bad things happen to good people” (and vice versa, of course), is one thing that makes faith very, very difficult. I can’t offer any answer for that one.
Finding beauty in the absurd, in the illogical, in the asymmetrical, in the difficult, in the ugly…well, that’s a kind of art, right? I suppose that’s my religion, my faith.
Regarding compartments, it also occurs to me that this is also why conservatives with gay relatives (Cheney – daughter, Gingrich – sister) can move so easily in homophobic circles and support anti-gay legislation.
I have argued with conservatives, getting their agreement that every single underlying arguement to their conclusion was wrong, only to have them repeat their conclusion as fact. The underlying arguments are in separate compartments from the conclusion, and their destruction has no impact on the validity of the conclusion.
“Finally I was able to check the sobs that had kept me company since I left the funeral. Maybe I should have stayed in church all these years, I thought, wiping the tears off my face, for surely those people had figured out long before I did that God does not answer prayer. They’d figured it out — and still they believed. They’d figured it out — and still they talked to God.”
Though what I personally believe can be summed up by a big question mark right now, I’ve always been curious about Deism. It was described to me in school as casting God as a kind of watchmaker, who created the world and set it going, but didn’t take a hand in it after that. It’s kind of amazing that for a while there was a whole school of thought for people that didn’t believe in miracles, but still believed in God… Thomas Jefferson was rumored to be one, and he was an amazingly smart man. Though I’m not an expert, I think reading about it gave me the impression that God was allowing people to “grow up” and be independent of him, though that’s not as comforting as it could be.
I actually go to Twitter when I think most people would be praying, or to the phone to call my mom or a girlfriend. They don’t always help, but I feel a release from simply talking about my problems.
I travel in the kid-with-cancer circle, so I’m no stranger to unanswered prayers. What I’ve seen of the Christian crowd (of which I’m not one) is that the prayers are expected to help, but often don’t. It’s just that whenever someone who was prayed for recovers, the prayers are deemed to be what did the trick.
Whenever someone has a good medical outcome and the person who I’m talking to says, “Thank God,” I am quick to reply with “Thank the doctors.” The person usually acknowledges that perhaps the doctors had a tiny bit to do with it.
Chemotherapy has saved more cancer kids than all the prayers in the world. You can’t prove that the prayers didn’t help; there’s just this niggling little fact that prayers by themselves have a 0% cure rate, but prayers combined with chemotherapy have an 80% cure rate.
My wife was very mad at God that our kid got sick, but I didn’t have that feeling at all. I have the serenity that comes with a lack of blame.