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What name is given to the person raising your children’s siblings?
It’s a question I’ll soon have to face, as my little ones’ birth mother is in the preliminary stages of planning for the placement of the baby she’s now carrying. I am so grateful that she’s taking this route as opposed to the one she drifted into the past two times. Perhaps having two babies sucked into the maw of The System finally convinced her of the wisdom of thinking ahead.
The process can be as relaxed or rapid as it needs to be. I’ve heard of birth mothers making plans with our agency during labor, but as this case will not come to fruition for a few more months N can take her time in choosing who will raise her child. She’s already filled out leaning towers of paperwork which describe her physical and emotional background in as much detail as she’s able (and willing) to provide. All of this is sanitized of too-revealing details, collated into a report and passed out to a number of families who are already licensed and open to the possibility of raising a child like the one N is likely to bear.
(In this particular case the child will almost certainly have pale skin, which means that a larger group of hopeful parents will queue up than did for her first child, whose racial make-up was unknown until birth. The insanity of this bit of adoption maneuvering hits me once again as I observe the process. I’m astounded that anyone who wants a child badly enough to go through the adoption process could care what color its skin is. And all over again I feel guilty that I got the light children instead of a couple who would only take ones like them.)
Several families will look at N’s information and decide if it’s a situation they’re interested in pursuing. Some no doubt will quail at the thought of parenting a child whose birth family features generations of mental illness. Others will blow past that information with not nearly enough consideration. And a few will want to know more. This is where I get to be useful. “Can they call to ask you questions?” the caseworker asked me recently.
“How much can I say? How much should I say?” I asked in return. Anything you want, came back the answer. No laws of confidentiality exist to bind or advise me. I was on my own.
In due time I received calls from two couples considering whether or not to submit their profiles to N. In no more than twenty minutes I’d formed an opinion of them (and they’d no doubt done the same of me) and I found myself full of unreasonable hope. These people could end up in my family, I thought, and it was impossible not to sort them, rank them, list out their pros and cons. But I don’t get an opinion on who N chooses. As hard as it might be I’ll need to keep my big flappy mouth shut while N sifts through the information and makes a decision.
Once she does, then we can work on what to call each other.
Simply… family.
Wishing all the best for your little one,
May it all go smoothly for you,
How about calling the birth mother “Nana XXXXXX” XXXXX = first name
Julia.
How old is N? Just curious.
At the risk of starting a flame war, this birth mother needs to have her tubes tied. Friggin ridiculous, the level of immaturity this girl displays. Astounding actually. It’s obviously a slippery slope when you talk about forced sterilization, but this birth mother could be the poster child for it!
And for you aag, while I applaud your sense of charity and family with this woman, there must be a whole train of constant baggage that comes with maintaining a relationship with her. It must get real old real fast!
Well Mike, I happen to believe in this little thing called CHOICE, which means that women — all women, not just the ones who are likeable or kind or who have “good reasons” — have the agency to decide their own reproductive futures without undue influence from others.
The same pro-choice ideals which allow me to get an abortion allow N to carry her babies. I don’t get a say. You don’t get a say. The government doesn’t get a say.
The government DOES get a say when and if N decides to parent a baby and does it below a certain predetermined standard, and that has happened in the past. She’s now making the very responsible choice to go a different route with this pregnancy. That’s about the best anyone can expect from her.
Pro-choice doesn’t mean pro-abortion. It means that women are allowed to terminate pregnancies, carry pregnancies and avoid pregnancies, and the only ones who can make those choices are the woman and her doctor.
have you had a conversation with N about the wonders of an IUD? regardless of our thoughts on choice, it seems pretty obvious that she is unable to care for a child at this stage in her life as evidenced by two in your custody and a third to be placed upon delivery.
N should use birth control, that I definitely agree with. However, there’s the old “you can lead a horse to water” conundrum to deal with. AAG has mentioned in the past that N has had education and access to BC, presumably for at least most of her life that she’s been fertile, and chooses actively not to use it.
I am part of an extended family that has had a child (biologically related to our family) placed in open adoption (with another family) – similar to AAG’s situation. The mother in question also made very poor choices, and often continues to do so with no consideration of the consequences.
That being said, the two families that I know that adopted these children – AAG’s and the family that took in my family’s child – are both amazing, strong people that, if I had to give up my own child, would be at the very top of the list to be adoptive families. These children enriched their lives and made them happier, more wonderful people than they already were.
There are plenty of women out there who make ignorant choices, but then simply continue those choices into poorly or neglectfully raising these children into the next generation of similar actions. N, and my family member, both decided to wise up and do what’s best for their child. That should be considered much more heavily than how many pregnancies there have been.
Forced sterilization is a very, very slippery slope. Plato’s Republic suggested that ignorant people should not be allowed to have children with other ignorant people, because the offspring would likely be ignorant. Where does forced sterilization for number end and forced sterilization for aesthetics begin?
I do hope that this child is adopted by someone who would want to involve you and the baby’s brothers and sisters in their lives. I wonder how many adoptive parents would be open to that? It’s messy, to be sure, but what about life isn’t?
I hope N can find a family as open and loving as yours for the new little one.
Of course I am being faceutious when I suggest forced sterilization! However aag’s reply that this woman should be free to have as many kids as she wants with no reprecussions or responsibilites is wrong also. If this woman takes advantage of all sorts of government-funded assistance programs, then as a taxpayer I have a real problem with her taking advantage of the system and assuming no responsibility for her actions. Maybe one reason she keeps popping them out is that she knows someone will take care of her and the baby.
That person is called family. And maybe for now, they are called aunt and uncle (or aunt and aunt, uncle and uncle, whatever the case may be). Obviously it should be known that they are siblings, and when they are older they will understand and appreciate your efforts to keep them all as “family”.
I have said it before, I will say it again. You are awesome.
peace…
Why this woman wouldn’t use birth control is beyond me. She is selfish, for one, but she also is not acting in her own best interest. One of the main causes of poverty in the US is people having children they can’t afford to raise.
–Left-wing, California liberal here.
Is N raising the child she had a couple of years ago, or has he been adopted as well? I have to agree with Mike, though, that having a safety net of sorts seems to be a huge enabler for N. Then again, if you’re a proponent of choice you acknowledge that it’s not your decision. Thankfully N’s children go into loving homes but there’s a lot of kids that don’t.
All of N’s children are being raised by others.
Keep in mind that when an adoption is planned for, some if not all of the medical expenses are paid for by the adopting family.
I am having a hard time understanding how N’s reproductive choices became the topic of debate. Sure. I imagine we’d ALL wish that EVERY adult out there would make smart, safe, self-interested choices. But not everyone does.
If N’s kids have all been adopted, what harm is it to the average taxpayer? It’s not a choice I would make, but at least her kids are or will be in loving homes. Many parents choose worse. Some parents who are afraid of being judged for putting kids up for adoption will end up trying to raise children they can’t care for well– and those kids get extremely hurt (and still often end up in the foster care system.)
Having a safety net will always enable some folks to make choices that take advantage of it. What’s the solution? Take away the safety net and let more folks suffer? Give some group power to decide who is “worthy” of help and who isn’t? Tell them we should make choices for them because we know better? No, no, and no. I consider the cost of a few “bad” (or misguided) apples to be the cost of keeping a society where everyone gets to make their own choices. I can deal with that.
And AAG– I love that you are so open to maintaining this extended family and these sibling relationships for your kids. No words for how happy that makes me–relationship messes and all.
Aunt/uncle, friend, would be appropriate. I am a very pro-choice person, regular reader of your blog, and admire your evolution (in all ways) as shared in your blog. I do find it sad that N keeps putting herself in the same situation over and over. Even if the babies are well-placed, with minimal burden on society, surely that must cause her great heartbreak, even if unseen by others? Your comments, as well as my scant experience with those suffering from mental illness leads me to believe that must be at issue here. What a roller-coaster it can be, depending on the variety involved. For the 2 you have taken, it is a blessing that you are able to help the kids by providing a good and stable home (while being a blessing to you as well.) I wish N were able to make the choice herself for sterilization, and work on her own health and issues, instead of repeating the same cycle….
Me too, Susan. Me too. And yes, mental health is certainly an issue here.