When first we met her skin was entirely unmarked by the tattooist’s needle. It was, however, quite seriously marked by her own hand; she bore (and still bears) raised white scars up and down her arms, on the backs of her hands, on her legs and on her stomach. Cutting quieted the pain at times when sex, alcohol and pot weren’t enough.
At some point she began a relationship with a budding tattoo artist and became his willing practice canvas. The names of her children are (artfully, I’ll admit) etched into her chest. Her mother’s name rings her upper arm. Flowers are randomly planted hither and yon. I’ve not seen her naked in some time, so it’s possible that lesser designs lurk beneath her clothes. She’s also no stranger to the piercer’s gun. At various times studs have cropped up on her ears, nose, lip, bellybutton, tongue and nether regions. These small dots of gold and base metals have come and gone with her whim, pregnancy status and infection.
Other than the marks from self-harm, I take no more interest in N’s body-mods than I would in her choice of clothing. Far more pressing concerns crowd out consideration about fancy-script names and flowers, such as: Is she receiving proper medical care? Does her partner treat her well? Can she continue to maintain her job? Will she have food to eat today, and a place to sleep tonight?
But the tattoos and piercings represent to my parents a whole range of “lifestyle choices” to which they strenuously object. “If she’s going to be around the kids she needs to do more to fit in,” my mother opined recently. “You need to make her cover them up or take them out.”
After getting over my shock at the idea of asking any visitor to my house to remove their piercings or cover their tattoos (er, I’m mostly over the shock; I don’t usually even ask people to take off their shoes and that’s not only because the carpets have been peed [and ahem pooed] on more than I’d like to admit), I considered the source of my mom’s discomfort. She worries — excessively so, some might say — about the effects of N’s presence on her grandchildren. She fears that someday they’ll be teased about her by their friends; or worse, that they’ll try to be like her.
Now I’m not entirely sure about this, but it seems to me that it’s possible to love someone without necessarily embracing their “lifestyle choices,” especially when those lifestyle choices go literally no more than skin deep. Tattoos? Piercings? Who fucking cares? The world is full of people who are different from my insular little family. I intend to be open and loving toward everyone who crosses my path until I’ve got some really good reason not to be, and I hope to teach my children to act the same way.
And (again, the details are a bit hazy, so correct me if I’m wrong), but I seem to remember that dude? You know the one? From the Bible? Didn’t he hang around with tax collectors, prostitutes and others considered at the time to be the very worst of society? Didn’t he have a few things to say about not judging others? And about feeding the hungry? Clothing the naked? Caring for the sick? Didn’t he talk an awful lot about treating people the way you’d want to be treated? And being generous? And compassionate?
Unless someday she shows up with phallicorn (or worse) on her forearm — or forehead — I’m not going to be the one to tell her to cover them up. But I’m just some bleeding heart Godless liberal.
What do I know?
Piercer’s needle, not gun. Aside from ears, and sometimes the nose, everything else is done with a hollow needle.
Aside from that, N is extremely lucky to have you as the mother to her bio-kids (as are the kids themselves). So many open adoptions leave the birth mom out of the equation, with the adoptive parents skedaddling as soon as fucking possible.
Thank you for all you do, AAG. I came here for the sex, but ended up staying for the wonderful, insightful, and often funny descriptions of your life and family. It’s encouraging for this other mom :)
I forget oftentimes that there are still places in the US where lots of tats and piercings are out of place.
I recall dying my hair an outlandish color when I was in a rebellious phase and then visiting my conservative grandparents in the south. I found it very amusing that women with dyed white blond and fire engine red hair were pointing and staring at my head.
I do not have any tattoos yet, I can’t decide on a design. Both my siblings and parents have (multiple)tattoos, much to the disdain of my grandparents. When I first got my lip pierced my Grandad refused to speak to me and so at his funeral I was asked if I would remove it. I did, but thats the last time I’ll ever do that for anyone.
People place too much importance on what is essentially superficial, even if people do have meaning behind their mods.
Today is “To Write Love on her Arms” day,here is the event posting on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=180283055427&index=1
Whereas I find it admirable that you make the effort to include the birth mother in their lives, I hope that N’s behavior is appropriate around the kids, which is far more important than her body decorations.
i also hope that she is respectful of your wishes and readily acknowledges that you are the true mother of those kids and not her and that decisions around how they are raised are yours alone.
It is appropriate for the most part. I don’t expect her to be perfect. She’s more like a big sister instead of a mother.
The “true” mother? We’re both the true mothers of those children. I may have the final say in when people go to bed, but I’m not going to pull rank on who is more of a mother. :)
Were that bible guy alive today, I’m betting he’d be sporting a a tat or two and probably a tongue piercing. And we all know his hair would be way too long. Damn hippie.
It’s a good thing we don’t listen to *every thing* our mother’s say, huh? Just think of all that your children would miss if you did.
You are awesome.
peace…
I would be more worried about your mother’s influence on your kids…
So fitting that you post this today, To Write Love On Her Arms Day! :) I’ll be thinking about her today, along with other friends and family members that need to know our love more than ever.
twloha.com/vision
This is why I advocate strobe lights in the nursery. With strobe lights installed, the conversation about what the kids saw becomes moot. The kids won’t know if they are seeing a tattoo or another random arrangement of the spots in their eyes. It’s just common sense.
Haaaaaaa