Other people, I imagine, leave school and immediately begin the building of empires. They find shelter, food, clothing, partners, friends, hobbies; bit by incremental bit they bring into the world their own small versions of paradise. Lovingly they craft what seems best, revising or discarding parts that don’t work while nurturing the bits that bring them joy.
They do not, I imagine, feel unreasonable angst if their parents’ empires look vastly different from their own. Nor do their parents waste time fretting if their children create lives at odds with what they built decades before.
This is what I imagine. It is not what I’ve experienced, not when my “empire” consisted of a $165-per-month nearly-empty flat in the upstairs of a grandmother’s house and not now, even though the empire has expanded to include house, pets, career, partners and almost entirely satisfactory (er, most days) children.
No decisions made at this point in a life are easy, at least not the ones made outside the safe embrace of the grocery store. Variations in the degree of bad are about all you get, and I have no more guiding principle than does the next flailing, befuddled mommy who long ago gave up the hope that God’s rules or desperate prayers for assistance would help. These decisions are not made easier by the constant message from my mother, which is this: Child, you are doing it wrong. Whatever I do is wrong for her. My entire little empire is flawed; horribly, tragically, irredeemably broken. I should not care. And yet our conversations end with me in tears and so wrung out I can barely function.
Perhaps other parents are as fiercely critical as my own. I’m not sure if it would be more or less of a comfort to know that mine are not alone in this particular insanity, or that I am not alone in failing to defend my little empire passionately enough.
“These decisions are not made easier by the constant message from my mother, which is this: Child, you are doing it wrong. Whatever I do is wrong for her.”
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and it seems to me that any time your mother says this it should reinforce that whatever you did to elicit this comment is absolutely right.
I suspect you know this, though. Do we ever grow up enough to stop needing the approval of our parents? I hope so.
God I wish I could. Thanks Zoe.
“Variations in the degree of bad are about all you get, and I have no more guiding principle than does the next flailing, befuddled mommy who long ago gave up the hope that God’s rules or desperate prayers for assistance would help. These decisions are not made easier by the constant message from my mother . . . ”
A long time ago someone gave me some words of wisdom about my very critical parent. He does that, the person said, because he’s afraid to look inward. He turns all the energy another person would spend looking inward, thinking about his own decisions, and concentrates it on you, because what’s inside is too unpleasant to look at. Sometimes remembering this gives me some compassion; usually at least it helps me deflect some of the criticism. Not all parents are like yours, but the ones that are are really a nightmare. I am sorry.
I know. Totally. Thanks, Sera.
Lovely, heart-felt post. Thank you for sharing it.
Your experience, while undoubtedly painful, is not unique. I had a similar relationship. I begin now, years after I finally told my mother to “Shove it!” that she had a similar experience with her mother. it’s probably been the same for many, many generations.
The advantage that we have now, of course, is that we have the Internet and the relative anonymity it affords. We can share our pains and struggles with the world and find that we are not alone.
Thank you again for sharing that peek into your life. It’s good to be reminded that I’m not the only one whose “entire little empire [seems to be] flawed.”
I wish you could stop caring what your parents think, but I realize it’s not that easy. I do hope that at some point you can make peace with THEIR shortcomings rather than internalize them.
Nobody’s empire is perfect, even to herself. But it’s probably a hell of lot better than living in someone else’s.
I know what you mean… and while my parents constantly praise me, telling me how proud they are of me, at 39, I can’t help but think that I somehow have not measured up. I don’t own a house, yet I have a family of four… and this seems to be a sticking point for them. “Why don’t you buy?”, they say, but I can’t just turn around and tell them to STFU, because it’s just not worth it.
I love your posts. All of them. But especially these glimpses into the life of someone who is… living her dream.
Ciao!
mmmmmm hang in there.. sounds like your Mother`s dissatisfaction in life has much more to do with her than you–you can`t be responsible for her joy or contentment with you or your life. Either she will see what a wonderful daughter she has and celebrate in joy, or not– either way your life and joy is way too precious to be continually overshadowed by a sourpuss.. (says the person who hasn`t spoken to her mother for about a month– and is enjoying the silence quite nicely..)
I think you know what I would say but catch me on one of the places you know to find me and I will explain my theory on S.E.P.
Somebody elses problem. :)
I can see I’ve pontificated on this before. :)
Perhaps. But I’ve read The Hitchhiker’s Guides many times. :)
aag – I can guarantee you that you are not alone in worrying about how your empire doesn’t live up to your parents’ out of college, or worrying that you’re not empire building fast enough. I constantly seek approval from my parents and instead of praise, too.
I’ve been reading a long time and I can see you’ve had a long journey with this. I hope you find peace soon.
I am so sorry that your mother is incapable of being a loving parent. I would love to offer my mother to you – she understands that I’m my own person and can choose to be whatever I desire, and that’s just fine with her.
You can’t change your mother. She will NEVER accept you. Nothing you do will please her, so trying to satisfy her is banging your head against a brick wall.
As difficult as it is, the only way for you to achieve peace in your life with your mother is to cut off ALL contact with her. Once you are ready to take that big step, your life will improve quite a bit.
Go for it! You have nothing but angst to lose and a great deal of sanity to gain.
My father still wholeheartedly believes that the “pagan thing”, the “Sex industry thing”, and other intrinsic “things” in my life are a phase. Years, stretching into decades for some things now – it’s definitely a phase in his mind.
I stopped worrying so much and began to marvel at the sheer force of absolute denial that issues out of my dad. I mean, it’s gotta be positively exhausting overlooking the truth with that sort of consistency.
And, as an astute commenter above mentioned, I wonder, not for the first time, how Mr. Adams managed to nail so many things so squarely on the head.
Your mother sounds deeply dysfunctional, in much the same way my parents are.
I solved this problem by having had nothing to do with them for the past 10 years. They simply make me unhealthy. It’s self-defense. I could go on a massive dosage of meds, or deal with therapy…. or I could just avoid the people who make me crazy. Simple, works great, and has an element of social justice to it too. Why should I suffer because of someone else’s intentional dysfunction? To hell with them.