Let me tell you a little bit about my weekend.
Friday I indulged in two separate naps. Saturday I only had one, but it lasted more than (*ahem*) five hours. Sunday’s nap was a scant three hours. I am paying for that now.
By 8p.m. Friday night I was asleep. Saturday night I held out ’til the ungodly time of 9p.m. As I write this on Sunday night, the 9 o’clock hour draws near again and I can barely keep my eyes open.
What else did I do beside snooze? I read in meager chunks, only half-conscious of the words on the page. I ate soup, stood in hot showers, blew my nose way past the point of extreme redness. I got off with the hope that screaming would somehow loosen the snot-dam blocking both nasal passages and thoughts.
Nothing worked, and so I am ending the weekend as I began it: shivering cold, filled with snot, hacking, more than a little crabby. And my children, who were more or less healthy when I bundled them off to their father, returned home today showing unmistakable signs of yet another round of mucous-y whooping.
If I weren’t so stupid from snot I’d no doubt use this entry to complain about the ridiculous medley of shame and scorn shown in a Fleshlight review. And I’d give a big ol’ shout-out to Epiphora for her analysis of the piece.
Absent the cold I might also wonder if this (below the cut because it is a NSFW naked erect-n-proud peen) could possibly be real:
Because, you know, it looks far too straight for real life, but maybe the snot is affecting my ability to evaluate naked body parts?
Please cheer me up by leaving comments below on the topics of:
- How to budge a recalcitrant cold,
- Using a male masturbator: shameful or sexy, and
- Is this penis for real?
And I will do my best to be ick-free and well enough to think straight by tomorrow.
1. I know its to *prevent* but try downing some Airborne 3 times a day. Try the soup again, but add as much red-pepper-heat as your mouth can possibly stand. Repeat everytime you start to feel blocked. Make sure you’re using those aloe+lotion tissues. Have someone get you a tub of the semi-solid cocoa butter – steam your face for a bit and then smear in the cocoa butter to your nose. It’s red and hurty because the skin is raw and dry. Cocoa butter is awesome for that.
2. As I commented on both Epiphora’s and Backseat Boohoo’s posts about the “shame incident”, I’ve got a new litmus test for future partners. If anything about male masturbators squicks them out and I see a hint of shame or disgust, its onto the next contestant faster than they can say “fleshlight”.
3. For real? yeah I think so. It only looks so out of place because it’s long and thin-ish. After a moment or two’s thought, I realized that my hubs penis is pretty damn straight too. It’s just not something I ever really noticed. I think that photo doesn’t represent the best angle for that particular peen, lol.
1. I swear by vick’s vaporub under the nose and popping Ricola drops religiously to ward off the sniffles if I’m knee-deep in martian death flu.
2. I have absolutely no problem making fun of weird sex toys. I do it (theoretically, anyway) on a weekly basis. That being said, while I myself would love to draw a mustache on a mouthlight, I wouldn’t go so far as to call any toy disgusting. I mean, dood, you got free shit. Say you don’t like it, say why, but hold off on defining all of x or all of y as disgusting or shameful. You don’t speak for me, you don’t speak for my friends, and ya sure as hell don’t speak for my man. /soapbox
3. It’s possible. It looks like a sexy masonry tool, haha!
“Oh man, I really need a 45 degree angle on this blueprint, but I lost my protractor.”
“No worries!” *unpants*
I think it’s real, I’ve seen a few nice long thin ones. Doesn’t seem to have any evidence of Photoshopping.
You’ve just reminded me – I once spent about 3 days making amusing “monster penis” photos for a site. Now I can’t even remember what I called it.
Hope you get better soon.
Make yourself some chicken soup with plenty of thyme in it. Thyme tea is great at reducing blockages. Inhale the steam first and then drink it. Ginger is wonderful that way, too. So is peppermint. Rest is important, too. Vitamins A, C and E in higher than usual quantities (1,000mg A and C, 600 mg E).
The member in the photo looks as though it was turned on a lathe. It seems too thin for the man’s body.
Hope you feel better soon! Oh, and laughter. Laughter heals.
1. Bribery?
2. My significant other got one as a gift from me, and liked it well enough. While shame was not factor, it did make strange quiffing noises while in action, and getting clean and dry afterward was a bit of a production. Eventually (say… 8 months?) it started disintegrating, and we simply never replaced it.
One plus side was less chaffing that masturbation, though.
Perhaps later models remedied this?
3. I’m not sure. it does seem sort of unreal, but peni in general look strange to me some days.
Ugh. The sickness is going around. I’ve been snotting for several days now. That penis does not look real. But what do I know?
1. I had a cold last week, very mild (my condolences), but enough rest, tons of fluids and good food so your body can produce what it needs to heal you fastest. (Hence chicken soup: fluids, salts, proteins, etc.) Don’t suppress the symptoms with meds too much, they are part of what heals you.
2. Shame? About sex? About sex related items? I’d feel pity for anyone who associated shame with healthy sex.
3. I wouldn’t have a clue, but mine is rather straight and I was surprised to read they come crooked when I was a kid, what does it matter?
1. Chicken soup and orange juice. No, not together.
2. Dear Adam: Have them ship it to me and think on it no more. I’m about to wear out my first fleshlight, and I will happily take any and all freebies they care to send. I thought it would be weird, but the damn thing works so well that it won me over quickly. (“Won me over”, is that what kids are calling it these days?)
I mean, who goes to Gizmodo for sex toy reviews in the first place?
3. I think it could be real.
Your book link made me think of Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash; a weapons system in it bears a nameplate saying “Ultima Ratio Regum” (the last argument of kings).
I’ve always found NyQuil or some generic substitute to be of assistance, as well as more rest and relaxation. And more reading indeed; it’ll take your mind off of sickness.
Wasabi and/or horseradish are awesome for unblocking the nasal passages. Chicken soup really does break up phlegm. Feel better!
Sorry you’re feeling so poorly! Having kids myself, I know the whole merry-go-round of passing around the virus.
I use a eucalyptus thing in the shower to open up the nasal passages–it’s amazing! (Got it at Walgreens, but can’t recall the product name.) And, as you know–lots of rest. Oh, and Puffs PLUS–I swear by them for not making my nose hurt.
Jade
They’re called Shower Soothers–effervescent (fizzy) tablets about the size of a giant Sweet Tart you toss onto the floor of the shower, let the water stream hit it; as it fizzes/dissolves it releases vapors that help unstuff you. Between the vapors and shower steam, it really helped during my cold last month. I also use Zicam, a zinc based product that’s touted to decrease the duration and severity of symptoms. It has to be started within 1-2 days of the onset of symptoms, so I think AAG is too far gone for this one. Also,
if you opt to bomb yourself with Nyquil (Greyor), get the original stuff behind the pharmacy counter, not the reformulated crap out front.
Too far gone.
Yep, that sounds about right.
:)
Mountain Girl, it may work, but watch out for the Zicam. It likely caused at least two people I know personally to lose their sense of smell, probably permanently… There is a big class action lawsuit on right now about it.
Whoa.
1. Sushi with lots of wasabi
2. No shame, ever, between consenting adults or … objects. Assuming objects can consent.
3. Looks real. I wonder if it tastes real?
I think it’s real, because it looks incredibly skinny – and who would fake a thin little (ok long, but thin) penis?
My former roommate used to swear by hot and sour soup and the spiciest dish on the Chinese menu to clear up congestion and feel better. (I didn’t have much luck with that, so your mileage may vary.)
I LOVE the Shower Soother things, they rock! A vaporizor/humidifier in the bedroom helps a lot too. One thing that has always worked for me is homemade soups of any variety, but the thinner the better.
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup
6 Qts Water
1 whole chicken, cut up
1 large yellow onion
Salt – be generous
Course Black Pepper
Sage
4 stalks of celery – coarsely chopped
2 bags of already peeled and cut carrots
1-2 bags of hearty egg noodles
Boil the chicken with the salt, pepper and sage. When it’s falling off the bone, remove and de-bone it. Toss the chicken back into the broth and bring to a boil. Add the celery, carrots and boil for about 20 minutes. Add the noodles and boil per package instructions.
The whole production takes about 3 hours, but most of it is waiting for the chicken to be cooked through, so it’s not really a lot of work. This also freezes and nukes really well.
In the meantime, your house will smell awesome and take advantage of all of that steam for your poor nose!
Sorry about the sickness – hope it soon passes.
As for the penis – my guess it’s been photoshopped to about twice its real length. If it hasn’t, well lucky old him!
Oh feel better, we’ve all got the ick too. I swear by gargling, it kills some of the germs that incubate in the throat.
As to the penis; zoomed in it does look a bit stretched out… But I’ve known men who looked like that, so it’s entirely possible. (But think of all the painful cervix bumping, yowch!
Can I gargle inside of my sinuses I wonder?
We, being all 7 of us, have had the yuckys too. Lots of oj and chicken soup. I actually made a triple batch of soup in my CANNER last week.
Vicks, honey, soup and juice.
And the penis, hmm, looks real enough. I have personally seen a few that look like that, up close and personal, but who knows.
I am not sure if i can really understand the scorn at the fleshlight review.
Adam doesnt even have a shame problem with the normal fleshlight. Just with ethe big furniture looking one.
And honestly ? I understand him
I mean i understand sex dolls, i understand a normal fleshlight, i understand pretty much everything.
But a piece of furniture that has a hole in it so that i can stick my dick in ? I think thats a bit too much.
Dont get me wrong. Maybe there are people out there in the world who like that. Who really get turned on by furniture sex.
But for me (and apprently Adam Frucci) that would be a low point in my sex life.
And its not even the shame about using a male masturbation tox. Its the shame of using a masturbation toy that apperently gives a worse expierence then i can get with my hands.
Sorry … buts its just a bad deal.