Two New Words

Not long ago my pal Heidi and I were talking about our mutual intractable sluttiness. We intended to work together on this post but I’ll be perfectly honest–Heidi did all the work.

Read on and make sure to answer the question we pose in the comments. –aag

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When I was a girl, I couldn’t wait to grow up and be promiscuous. Seriously. I was born with a libido that would put many a man to shame, and had mastered my own domain many years earlier. I was ready to venture into the big leagues, and because I was raised with parents that taught me the reality of sex, I knew that it was also a responsibility.

I planned my first sexual encounter with the same attention to Martha Stewart brings to flower arranging. I knew exactly what I wanted, how I wanted it to “go down”  (pun intended – that was a requirement for the big night) and what the safety precautions were to be (me on the Pill for 3 months minimum, condom of course). In fact, I prepared for the big night so much that even my mother kind of laughed at my expectations. However, my unwillingness to settle not only led me to what was an amazing first sexual experience that set the tone for the rest of my life (thanks Lee!) but also to ideas about what the purpose of sex was. And the purpose of sex, simply put, was to get off. Preferably with a nice person you enjoy talking to as well, although that is not a requirement.

I had not planned on falling in love with the person I had my first sexual experience with, but hey, it happened. In fact, it made the experience even more awesome in a romantic teen girl way, but more importantly, I liked him. The love and relationship piece however, did get in the way of the promiscuity aspect.

After I followed the above boyfriend to College, which rarely if EVER works out, we of course broke up. And here was my chance! Slutdom here I come, casual sex everywhere!! Him and him and him and maybe even her! And of course, you know what happened. I slept with a guy on the first date (without knowing his last name, I might add), and of course, he called. And continued to call. And we fell in love and dated for a long time. Once again promiscuity would have to wait.

While dating this guy, I became friends with my astronomy teachers assistant (SCIENCE!).He was a nice guy, a little older, and sweet as could be. When the boyfriend above broke up with me, the TA asked me out, and again, I was very excited at the prospect of casual sex! Woo hoo! Sex with someone different! Needless to say, I repeated the same mistake, slept with him on the first date, and immediately started dating him. Slut FAIL! Perhaps I should have been a lesbian?

This relationship lasted awhile, and when he and I broke up, I made myself take an oath of celibacy. Not because I thought sex was bad, but because I did not want another relationship. I wanted to find myself, grow, and all that stuff, and thought that a man would get in the way of that. So instead I focused on myself, my career, and friends. Of course, one of those friends eventually ensnared me in his web of sexy engineering goodness, and that was it. Chances for promiscuity were gone, as I had found the man I would marry. However, it was a small sacrifice to make to find (or find again) the only man in the world I could have even begun to imagine marrying and raising children with.

I sucked at promiscuity. I tried repeatedly to be a free spirit, put myself into sexual situations with men I did not know, and expected them not to call. But they did. Although I would love to blame it on the quality of my “game,” I am pretty sure it can be boiled down to a few basic reasons: I did not drink and therefore never slept with someone drunk that I would not have even talked with sober; I was a fat girl – therefore the dudes I slept with were at least not shallow enough to hate women who looked different; and finally, when I had sex, I was responsible for my own body, safety AND orgasms. I never slept with a man to “get” him, not did I sleep with a guy to get attention. I was an active participant in the sex, and EXPECTED that it would be good for me as well. I made it very clear up front what my boundaries were, and that if that was not ok, then later tater!

I know my experience is unusual, because I was able to watch friends of mine in high school and college as they navigated their own sexual journeys. However, as much as I loved my friends, and wanted to support them, it became painful to watch women who were FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ME sleep with the biggest losers in the world, and then tolerate douchebaggy behavior from them. I had friends in high school and college who were into the double digits of lovers before they knew that anything other than missionary style was possible. I wanted to scream at them, for fuck’s sake, do the entire football team if you want, BUT GET OFF! The female orgasm is NOT OPTIONAL!

As I was talking one night with my friend (squee – love to call her my friend) aag of aagblog.com, we discussed this and what the word “promiscuous” means. We decided that we need TWO words for that concept. Listen in?

aag: There’s lots of sex because sex is awesome.

Heidi: Like Samantha on Sex and the City, even though that show was kind of stupid.

aag: Yes! Then there’s lots of sex because you’re needy and want something OTHER than the sex.

Heidi: Exactly.

aag: Do those words exist?

Heidi: No, but we should create them.

Heidi: A la Dan Savage and santorum.

If it were not already tied to open relationships/marriages, “open” would be a great word. As in “She looks all uptight, but I hear she is deliciously open!” Or “I hear he is really, really open. She is SO lucky to go out with him tonight!” Or even “He is so open he slept with her AND her boyfriend!”

Promiscuity and casual sex are not bad things. They can both be very lovely. However, self-respect and putting yourself first should be the requirements! Can you imagine this message given to girls?

Sally: Mom, I think Bill is really cute, but I just don’t know about him. I am not sure I am ready to go all the way with him.

Mom: Well dear, are your masturbating to orgasm? You know what I always say, you can’t be a good lover to someone else, until you are a good lover to the most important person in your life!

Sally: But mom, maybe he can help me feel sexier and get more in the mood.

Mom: Pish posh, young lady! If you want to grow up to be a proper, open woman with a healthy life, you need to take control of your own body. Now I am going to give you my credit card, and you go down to the local Toys in Babeland and they will help you out! This is your health, young lady, and you need to take it seriously!

So now we pose the question to you, our readers. We need two separate words for people who are promiscuous: One for those who have lots of sex that is damaging and disrespectful to mind and body, and another for those who have lots of sex that is fun, awesome, and life affirming.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Leave ‘em in the comments below and head over to Heidi’s to say howdy too.