Something’s shifted in this second session of swimming lessons. Gone are the intimidating model-mommies; replacing them are parents who possess the average beauty found in every Taco Bell, town square and Tesco across the country, at least if you’re willing to look. When Parents Day rolled around once again I felt only excitement about wading into the water with my little ones.
Our town’s diversity, based on the headquartering of several world-wide businesses here, was well-represented in my kids’ class. Two little boys whose sari-clad mother waited on dry land and a pair of siblings whose dark, wet skin was a perfect match with that of their father joined us in the pool, where we began with bobs. Over the past few days my son has mastered these so thoroughly that he’s happy to practice them no matter what else might be going on in the class. He paused only to shake the blond hair from his eyes and gasp another breath before disappearing beneath the water again. He’s so overjoyed at this new ability that he must speak about it. When mistimed, words and bobs coincided to bring on rounds of coughing so severe that the whole pool paused to look for the trouble.
No one else in his class was that brave (or foolish) yet, a fact that was even more evident when we practiced jumping in. The combination of fearlessness and breath-holding ability enabled him to leap wide-armed and crazy-legged far out into the pool as though gravity were non-existent and the water held no more danger than an endlessly deep pile of eiderdown. This he did a dozen times straight while every other child in the class, including his sister, sat shivering at the pool’s edge despite the teacher’s persuasion. Even the oldest child in the class would do no more than lower himself tentatively in to his father’s waiting arms. My daughter jumped for my chest with such unerring aim that I now bear two knee-shaped bruises from her efforts at staying almost entirely out of the water.
“He’s getting really brave,” commented my eldest child when the lesson concluded and we joined her in the changing room. “Not like that other little boy.”
I was pulling shorts over chilled, still-wet skin instead of paying attention. “Which little boy?” I asked.
“You know,” she said. “The older one. The one with dark brown skin. He did not want to jump into the water. The light brown boys were sort of brave.”
I’ve not suggested that she speak like this, and I’ve never thought to ask if it’s taught in her school or just the custom amongst her friends. If pressed she’ll say that her skin is beige, her siblings’ skin is pinkish-beige and her kindergarten music teacher’s was very dark brown. I see this as a good thing, I think; describing the color of the skin seems no more pejorative than doing the same for eye or hair color, while trying to guess at a person’s race seems as foolish and potentially hurtful as attempting to judge orientation from the placement of earrings. Or handkerchiefs.
But as one of the undeservedly privileged beige people, I admit that my perspective may not be the most useful. So I’ll turn it over to the wisdom of the crowd. Is the means of description employed by my child something to be encouraged, or corrected?
Speak out, please?
As someone who is medium-pinkish brown, but often confused for someone who is half-very-dark-brown and half beige, I think it’s sweet and should be encouraged. We have to describe each other SOME way, and since we are all covered in skin of some color, it seems only appropriate that this would be the defining feature.
I agree with lia, I think it’s sweet. And also I find it very innocently creative of your eldest child to make reference in that way. My gut instinct is one of acceptance, not whether to encourage or correct. But I do see your dilemma, as it’s hard to know when someone else will comment diretly to your child.
I am as colourblind as I can be when it comes to race. And often forget what race friends are, much to their amusement. I hope to raise my son in the same way. This is beautiful to read and a wonderful idea to pass on. I’ll stand proud as a pale beige sometimes with reddish splotchy bits from the sun.
I don’t believe in colorblindness. I believe in an intricate and hard to define web of systematic oppression. I believe that all white people are taught to be racist by our society and must actively work to be anti-racist. It is a belief I hold like religion – it is as true and obvious to me as the sun in the sky, but it is often not worth it to try and convince anyone else of it.
I think it is totally acceptable to refer to someone’s skin color in describing them. Making it seem like referring to someone skin color is rude or shameful fosters the idea that it is rude or shameful to talk about race at all. And while it is undoubtedly uncomfortable, I believe it is something we of the “undeservedly privileged beige people” must do.
It’s like the scenario of being in a room of people and someone trying to point out their friend by telling you he’s the tall one in the blue shirt, standing next to the blonde woman, etc, etc and when you finally work out who they mean, you think “oh, the black guy”.
It reminds me of my friend who lived in a community with lots of Indian/ Asian families. One day her 5 year old daughter came home and said that she had eaten lunch sitting with “the Pakies”. My friend was aghast and spluttered until her daughter explained, “you know Mum, the kids who have packed lunches”.
LOLOL Jeanne!!
While its true everyone has a skin colour they have also have a name.
I try to encourage my kids to identify people by their name. My youngest plays quite happily with other children. When I ask him what is his new friend’s name, he never asked.
Of course he is often referred to as the “hyper-active red-headed kid”.
I am with Ruby and Fyre-J.. it’s helpful to learn names.. because we all have one.. and you can never go wrong with using a name–even if you mess it up.. I never enjoyed being described as the black chick.. it sucks..you already know you are not the majority.. you don’t need a reminder..
Describing people by skin color is not a road you want to go down.. it sets up barriers and creates us and them– which is a barrier.. it also makes it easier to lump people who look alike into one categorty, without looking any deeper
Not to mention, just becuase your child may say something innocently, you don’t know what has happened to whom and what mood they are in when they over hear your child say something. Not everyone remembers that children aren’t jaded, and don’t always say things with mal intent.
Names are always safer.. and asking them helps make friends too..
Thanks for being sensitive enough to ask.. most folks just wake up,assume they know and decide that what they are doing is good for all..
Having never been referred to as ‘the black chick’ I probably don’t have the right to speak, but… regardless, I do have an opinion.
Your assumption that someone (me for example) referring to you as such is a barrier, a creation of a divide that shall not be crossable isn’t totally on the money, at least when it comes to me. Does it occur to you that due to (and now I’m speaking for me) my past experiences; referring to you any other way (well to be honest I’m not going to call you the ‘black chick’ unless I know you well enough to say, nor am I about to refer to someone with large boobs or some other obvious physical characteristic as the ‘boobed chick’ for instance but that’s another post about manners that I’m not quite done writing yet :) ) make me leary of some how offending you? I’ve had my head ripped off verbally for not acknowledging someone’s color and ethnic descent and was accused of ‘lumping all races into the generic term of nonwhites’.
If someone has a striking (gorgeous, beautiful, luscious) hair color and I refer to them as the woman with the awesome auburn hair, that’s okay, I would assume you’d agree? But if I admire the color of my son in law’s skin, which is a gorgeous blue/black with shades of warm and warmer browns; or the lovely shade of cafe au lait skin tones that my grand daughter has which to my mind is the most perfect blend of her parents’ skin color, I’m a racist?
I really wish that society would pick one. And send me a memo.
:(
What Ruby said.
Thanks for all the feedback, folks. Keep it coming. I’m listening.
This is why I love this blog…
I have a friend of Pakistani heritage (she’s a born and bred American, however) that often refers to herself as a “brown” person.
I wonder if we don’t make this harder than it needs to be. While learning people’s names is the best solution, it’s no alway feasible. Is pointing out that someone’s skin is brown any different than someone noticing your hair color? It is what it is. What’s truly important is how your kids feel about people of other races, how they treat them, not how they refer to them (barring racial slurs, of course).
I’ve hesitated to comment here before today; I’ve always felt more comfortable as an outside observer. Coming from a strict Indian household in America, a lot of your posts are refreshingly liberal compared to what my mother would ever discuss in public. The above story reminds me of one of my first memories here in the states. A classmate of mine in kindergarten(!) called me a name reserved usually for those of middle eastern descent involving the words “sand” and the “n” word. Oblivious at the time to what the second word meant and the meaning of the phrase in its entirety, I told my mom. When asked if the boy was white or black, i merely replied beige, because that’s the closest descriptor I could come up with at the time. Thinking back on it now, he may not have known the meaning of the phrase either. Children can be raised to tread as if on eggshells upon cultural footpaths, or stomp through them unabashed. I try to stroll about at my leisure, avoiding the cracks as I see them, and learning from the falls I take.
In your case, no one can know what your child was thinking when she used those terms to describe others, it might have been innocent, accurate descriptions, or something else. My parents, not always racially tolerant themselves, taught me in their indirect way that the way you treat others is seen by your children, and they will integrate this into what they learn from friends, TV, and life in general. While I wouldn’t necessarily raise any alarms, it wouldn’t hurt for you to find out a little more about the children with whom your own kids spend time, perhaps even show your kids what a sari is and where it comes from. It wouldn’t hurt anyone.
My kids (now four-and-three-quarters) refer to people by their shirt color. It’s amusing to hear them talking about the blue man and the orange lady. They also refer to sports teams as the “blues” or the “whites”. I was shocked when they came home from preschool talking about “African-Americans” around MLK Day. It was difficult to talk about slavery and the civil rights movement with little kids; but it had to be done.
We celebrate all the holidays — as good Unitarian Universalists we just like to party :) One thing I’ve found particularly useful is a cookbook called “Holidays of the World Cookbook for Students”. They like the food from all over the world and can see easily how it unites us.
I always thought it was best to describe a person by their clothing… assuming you are not at a nude beach or other such local or event. I think most “Beige Americans” have been so conditioned to be afraid to mention skin color for fear of using the wrong recently phased out descriptor. I think its pretty interesting that the kids are using color as a primary descriptor. But I suppose they are using safer more crayon color based words than black or other racial denominators. I suppose I should shut up though since I have some potentially unpopular thoughts on the subject.
I’m reminded of the South Park episode where the kids argued about the South Park city flag, which depicted a lynching, and whether or not it was racist. The gist was that they proposed a new flag in which a multi-racial group was hanging the black stick figure – the kids had seen the flag as wrong because it was about killing, they hadn’t noticed the color issue at all.
Kids learn what you teach them, I agree. So as long as it’s not singling-out – that is, they also describe white people by the color of their skin – then that’s fine. What gets me is when “black” is a descriptor and “white” is the assumed default.
I dislike the term “race”. I am of the human race. My ethnic background is a melting pot that makes me an American. If asked to break that down, Irish/Italian/Native American/African American. My children are blonde/green eyed, brown/brown eyed, blonde/blue eyed adopted wonders. My youngest who was 7 months old when she became mine still at almost 14 slips and says “when you were pregnant with me..”. To me that is a true sign of love having no color.
Do you watch “Rescue Me”?… there’s White Sean and Black Sean…
I’m Michelle… do you want to know how many Michelle’s there are? Mostly White (or Beige)? … it’s easier to say, “Michelle, the chunky White girl with glasses”… and them immediately know who I was referring to, rather than… “You know, Michelle, she wore jeans and a pink top last time we saw her”… WHAT?! I have no problem being White Michelle with glasses… and I hope no one would get mad when I talk about Rescue Me and say “I love White Sean”.. or “I love Black Sean”… I’m not trying to be prejustice, it’s just to reference who I am speaking of and have the person understand me.
Just my opinion.
No offense, but don’t you think the answers here are exactly what you’d expect? If you’re a regular reader of a blog about open relationships and kinky sex, might you have an open mind about many other things?
I agree with what others have said. I just think that you should think about what you heard here in light of the fact that your audience might be predisposed to being open minded and less judgmental.
Are you sure you want a controversial view? That would rake muck the likes of which you… well lets just say it will raise the temperature here considerably. But I am happy to deliver if you or any one else thinks that’s the way to go.
I had no expectations about what people would say. And yes, I’d welcome any opinions so long as they are presented respectfully.
I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.
:)
I was mostly asking J if that was a direction s/he wanted to turn the discussion, and but I was also wondering if you wanted it to go from cozy to controversial… but ok controversy coming up. Give me a minute to clear my head on this.
Ok so having been invited I suppose I will just jump right in to the deep end as AAG’s son did and be not afraid to get my ass whipped by the replies that are sure to follow. I hope I am not banned from the blog as a result.
(My daughter is a great example of colorblindness. She was taunted and called Cracker for weeks before she even knew that it was a racial thing. She just thought it was some goofy epithet the black girls were throwing her way. LONG story there!)
I think that there is absolutely and necessarily a level of labeling of groups of people that goes on in our society/world. That is how people get by in a world as complex as ours. Other wise you wind up struggling like an autistic person attempting to assimilate all the information/stimulus that the world is bombarding us with all the time. Every one makes mass judgments all the time. Plenty of people won’t listen to country music for one reason or another. Plenty of people won’t listen to Rap music for similar reasons. It would be like staring into a Fan while some one throws dirt and sand in from other side. With out labels and filters every day life is just to fast and complex. Mass generalizations are necessary.
It is impossible to know the content of every one’s character with out having had any interaction with them, so you wind up describing/labeling people based on what you see and or hear of them and or what society/media shows you.
I think it’s foolish to think that only personal interaction is going to form the basis of how you feel about an entire group of people. Personal interaction is certainly the only way to form an opinion about an individual but personal interaction is only a part when it comes to the group as a whole. Everyday you experience the media’s representation of groups also. AAG posted something a week ago or so that proposed the idea that commercials/ media, at large, make very powerful impressions on people for better or worse. With the ubiquity of the media it is impossible to assume that you are immune.
So here’s my take on the topic of racism and prejudice which I believe is where this is ultimately leading. The quick of it is this; I don’t think most people are racists. Key word here is racist. I don’t think that most people consider that one race or another is inferior or superior at a genetic level. I don’t think most people think like that any more. Certainly there are fringe elements of society that are the exception to every thing. So I will dismiss the White supremacists and Reverend Fericon (sp?) followers. I think that those who find them selves prejudice at any level are culturalists not raceists. There are closed minded culteralists and open minded culturaliss. A closed minded culteralist paints every body by skin color because that’s the fast easy way. Idealists have no opinions about any group of people just individuals they encounter. Both are extreme ends of the spectrum. Most people fall some where in the middle.
(Ok time for my ass whipping to begin) Some cultures are just better at setting their members up for success than others. It’s my impression that black culture is a standout counterexample of what a culture should do for its members. Black men are told by their culture that they should not stay with their kids/families because it’s not “Manly”. So black ‘families’ wind up fictionalized and scattered all over. Black kids are subjected to gang culture and the like and gang influence tells them that getting good grades in school is wrong and a waste of time because it aligns you with “Whitey”. Rap and Hip-Hop Music, a generally black culture phenomenon, is replete with anger and hate and violence and quite frankly it scares the donkeys out of me.
Having said all that I firmly believe that any individual person involved in any of the above cultural behaviors is absolutely capable of achieving greatness, or even the generalized middle of the roadness that is the middle class, but their culture prevents it by issuing strong conditioning cues. Further I think that black culture, at large, is capable of redirecting its self. It was well on its way in the 60’s with Martin Luther King leading the way, but some how black culture lost its way and has chosen to adopt a self destructive direction instead. Today’s black culture stands in stark contrast to the direction that the black community was headed in the 60’s. There were demonstrations demanding racial equality for all persons black white and every thing in between attended by all races. A difference was being made. Now it seems that black culture is all about Slapping up their Bitches and Hoes while bustin’ a cap in Whity’s ass. Martin Luther King did not fight so hard trying to erase the word nigger from the worlds vocabulary only to have black people dredge it back up and use it amongst them selves. How does something that tragic that happen? White people in general have been so politically correctness-ly conditioned to not use nigger that “We” (I also being a member of the undeservedly privileged beige people) refer to it as “THE N WORD” so as not to appear or sound even remotely racist. Please do not misunderstand me. I do NOT think this is a word that should be brought back. It’s a hateful and divisive word. Divisive in as much as ONLY one culture/race is free to use it, now, and all others will get their assess beat, shot or fired if it or any of its ‘cousins’ accidentally slip from our lips. I DO think it should be erased just like Small Pox or TB or any other blight on our population. I think MLK had it right but some how his people dropped lost their way.
Having said all that, clearly I have generalized and simplified, overly I am sure, for the sake of brevity as much as I could, and clearly these are my opinions based on my own personal experiences and what the media shows us.
And for the record I prefer the Black White Brown Red Yellow labels. I don’t think they are offensive. I don’t see why my being called white is offensive. I don’t like the African American label either. If you count your self African first then you should have papers that indicate alternative citizenship other wise you are an American. And “American with Italian heritage”, or what ever the new buzz phrase is, is a little too lofty and snooty. Further it would seem that if you claim “Heritage descriptor American” you should know something about your “Heritage Descriptor” origin. That would apply for any nationality; Canadian Americans or Italian or Russian or, or, …
I realize that I am beating on the Black culture pretty heavily here but one more issue. There are soooo many people who are sneaking in to America by what ever means necessary legal and other wise it seems that black people might could be a little less pissed about living in America because they would likely not be living at all if they were in Africa. (Yes I understand the not living and not living paradox in that sentence.) Nearly ever country in Africa is in the middle of some civil or Tribal war or another. With Aids and genocide rampant I should think it’s much nicer safer here in America than any where there, even with the whole Katrina cock up.
To summarize I think its cultural not racial and political correctness has made the conscientious among us afraid of out own shadows.
Now let the ass kicking begin.
Thanks for being willing to share your thoughts, even when you anticipate not being agreed with :)
A couple of points –
Many black Americans are not from Africa, nor do they have any African heritage at all. They may be from Haiti, Guyana, Jamaica, South America, etc – and while there probably is some African in the blood of most black people, it’s a little like thinking of all whites as “European-American” and saying that we should all be grateful we’re not still living in Sweden and paying high taxes.
See how silly it sounds turned around? that’s why the argument about “they should be grateful to be in America” doesn’t wash for a broad class of people defined by race as you do – to assume that all black Americans share a heritage from a single region, and that living in that region would be horrible, is as silly as thinking all whites are from, say, Italy, and we’re lucky to have escaped government corruption and trains not running on time. We don’t know where everyone’s from, and I would wager that the vast majority of Americans have *no idea* what living in the vast majority of Africa is like, because war and famine are all that make the news.
This is exactly the reason that I hesitate to use the term African-American or Asian-American or anything like that. It makes huge assumptions which may be way off base not to mention offensive.
wwwoooooow.. you wanted it Big Geek.. heh heh.. these discussions are soo healthy and good for people..I don’t know why we shy away from them.. In this day and age they are necessary..
You are right on some levels.. but unless we are part of a group we don’t really understand the inside of it.. there is more than meets the eye with African American culture.. and please do not confuse the decline of hip hop or street life with black culture…there are big big differences…Just like you wouldn’t look at a white person who lived off the land in the back woods of West Virginia…and listend to blue grass and think they are the same as a DC lawyer.(although they might be) .. you cannot say that someone like Little Wayne represents all black people… this is part of the problem with not referring to people by their names.
If you take the time to learn a name you learn about the person, and not just the perception that others build for you through their stories or the media at face value. The media has a vested interest in you veiwing life and people in particalur ways.
Although I appreciate you putting yourself out there, because speaking ones heart always takes great courage. What you think you know about being African American is lacking. If you are curious and want to know more.. you can email me and I will send you some African American blogs to check out. There are also quite a few blogs by white people seeking ways to better understand others who aren’t white.. and look at what it means to be white in America today… Soulfulindustry@gmail.com
You are very right that I don’t know much or any thing about black culture. I will say this though I an an individual when encountering another individual I have no preconceived notions about what or who that person is until they open their mouths and I can learn what and who they are. I never said, I don’t think, that all black culture is dark (no pun intended). I know that there are elements of Good and positive black culture. Good families, solid values who work hard and contribute to America in positive ways. No different than my family, same struggles and triumphs. I have seen it. And I know that there are Redneck Skin Head types running around blackening the eyes of the white culture. I just represent that these are my opinions based on my experiences with popular black culture. Perhaps that is a pivotal point that I neglected to put in the other diatribe… Popular black culture.
Thanks for not eviscerating me Jeanette.
“…blackening the eyes of the white culture.”
An interesting choice of phrase.
Can you post some of those links here? I’d appreciate it.
(The comment might go to moderation but I’ll pull it out asap.)
I still, at 20, describe people by skin color. To me, it’s the most blazingly obvious way to describe a person. I am white, 100%. Now that I’m older I’ll say “I hope this dosn’t sound rude, but that little black boy….” as I know people can get offended quite quickly by it. I also have a tendency to say “That larger kid..” or “that tall lanky kid…”
Maybe it’s not right but it’s how I roll.
On one hand, I think it is important for a person to know and recognize what it is like to live oblivious of racism (or class difference, etc). But after a certain age, I think it is highly problematic to ignore race based inequality.
I don’t think language is nearly as important as having diverse friends (no tokenism!). In my experience people who are only emotionally close with their own race, socioeconomic class, etc. etc. tend to be the ones most prone to generalizing the Other. Those who have grown up in diversity and maintain strong emotional bonds/have a genuine mutual respect w/a diverse group of ppl tend to not rely as heavily upon identity politics to frame their perceptions and interactions with others. If you live somewhere culturally homogenous, exposure to different groups through travel, community programs, etc. is absolutely critical imo.
It doesn’t matter what words you use if you lack the ability to see another person as a person. If you don’t respect a different culture, set of values, etc., if you lack the ability to see the world from someone else’s perspective either through lack of education or personal resistance, avoiding racial terms isn’t going to make you less racist.
Okay here are some links..
For different views on race in pop culture you can check out Racalicious:
http://www.racialicious.com/
For some a few different veiws on Africa America in general:
http://wearerespectablenegroes.blogspot.com/
http://blacksnob.com/ (I loooooooooooooove the Black Snob!!)
For deconstructing what it means to be white in America:
http://stuffwhitepeopledo.blogspot.com/
http://everydaywhiteness.wordpress.com/
hope these inspire ;)
Peace and Blessings
J
Adding to Google Reader now. Thanks so much, Jeannette!
“undeservedly privileged beige people”???