Depression itself is not the frustrating part. I see it as a disease like any other, one that carries with it no more intrinsic shame than lymphangiosclerosis, polydactyly or a hallux abducto valgus.
Not being able to find a long-term effective treatment? That’s the frustrating part. To date I have tried and failed with five distinct medications, including one that did nothing, two that felt great but made various parts of my body twitch uncontrollably and two more that worked for a while but then inexplicably interrupted their service with little advance notice.
Wait, is that it? Only five? It seems like there have been dozens; this perception could exist because of the obscene number of dosage changes I’ve also attempted or a fuzzy memory made even more unreliable by children, not drugz. Either is equally likely.
In any case, the most recent medicine which seemed so promising at the start of the year failed two months ago. It abandoned me to deal alone with ferocious mood swings, inescapable inertia and the unrelenting desire to see my own blood dripping into a beaker lit from behind by the sun. For those two months I engaged in the same pattern as every other time medicines have abandoned me; it consists of five perhaps familiar steps:
- Nothing’s wrong, honestly. It’s just a stressful week/month/year/lifetime. It’ll be better soon.
- Goddamnit, why do I have to deal with these stupid chemical irregularities? It’s so unfair!
- Maybe if I adjust the dose up. Or down. Or if I take it in the morning. Or at night. Or quit being such a whiner.
- This is impossible to fix. It’s never going to get better. Continuing to breathe does nothing but misuse oxygen better spent on someone more productive and less whiny.
- Guess I’d better make that doctor’s appointment.
Having mentally bounced through these steps with as much rapidity as possible given the overwhelming torpor of the situation, I slunk back into her office again a few weeks ago feeling like a failure. “This is very common,” she explained calmly. “Lots of people have trouble finding the medicine that works with their particular brain chemistry.”
“You don’t think I’m a big whiner for failing with all these medicines and doses?”
She said my name and looked directly into my eyes. “Some of my patients go through thirty permutation of drug and dose before they find the right combination. This is not an exact science. You have to be patient.”
Yet another ‘script in hand I trundled off to the pharmacist; $250 poorer I swallowed my first dose. “Don’t expect results right away,” the doctor advised, as the previous medication leaves the body almost instantly and the new one takes weeks to reach therapeutic levels. I’ve had some grim days, days where the sky looked black no matter how intense the sun and anything anyone said cut me to right to the bone.
I wish I could say without reservation that this is the drug that will allow me to deal with life in a temperate manner and handle both thoughts of the future as well as piles of laundry without the desire for a hasty death, but I’ve gotten my hopes up prematurely too many times to get excited so quickly. I’m cautiously optimistic. That’s all the hope I can summon.
You will get there-I’ve been there. I tried so many things to treat my bipolar, until I finally gave in and tried lithium. It was like learning to breathe after nearly drowning for so long.
It’s worth trying. Try and focus on the end goal-I know that’s terrifically hard, but you’re so worth it.
It sucks. It all sucks and I’m sorry you have to go through that because you are awesome. The best you can do is ensure you have a solid net of friends to lean on when you start sliding, and be alert enough in your own brain to recognize what’s you vs. what’s side effects, and it sounds like you do. There will come a day where you’ll recall this struggle like the edges of a waking dream, and you’ll be able to live day to day without it hanging over you – and hopefully that’ll be sooner than later.
My own wheel-o-drug-trials was compounded by a crazy mother who called on my psych to switch meds so we were on “the same one” (…and she did), treated pill-taking as a special mom-daughter bonding ritual, and gave me a glass of zinfandel to swig down my first pill. I was 15. After Serazone put me in an embarrassing hour long fit of giggles mid-chemistry-class, I started pursuing non-medication options :-p
I hope that these meds work for you. I’m so thankful that here in the UK we have free healthcare – I’d have been lost without it QRx
Yep, I know this. Compound the “we haven’t found the right drug yet” with “We haven’t found the right diagnosis yet”.
In fact, I don’t like labeling what I have, really. “A lot of ADD-inattentive-type with a side order of rapid-cycling bi-polar” is a mouthful. I just go with “Dopamine Disorder”.
I suppose that, since psychology and drug treatment is still relatively new, we should be tthankful we have what we have. But what I really want is for them to find a way to measure the levels of the 3 brain hormones and use that to better determine the medication.
I’ve been through 3/4 diagnosees (sp?) and so many meds that I can no longer rattle off the list whenever I see a new doctor. And for some reason, finding a compassionate AND skilled psychiatrist to deal with my brain is just not easy.
The side effects are torture, too. I’ve had a good number of drugs that I wasn’t able to give them their fair shake because I just couldn’t wade through the hazing of the first 2-4 weeks, and still live a life.
So yeah….5 is nothing but i KNOW how frustrating it is. Not only because you start to feel broken after awhile, but that each drug eats up 2 months of your life before you can move on to the next……not to mention costs a bomb.
Hazing, ha. Yeah, that’s what it is. Thanks Lilly.
I have a friend who is on the same road hunny. Nothing more to add except *big hugs*
I was extremely lucky that my depression responded well to the first meds I took. And the new meds when I switched because I was gaining weight. But I know people who are struggling or have struggled. My husband is on two separate medications, but he’s doing well.
Hang in there, sweetie. I know it’s frustrating when you’re doing what you are supposed to but your body is not cooperating. Things will change. They always do.
funny enough, i’m finally going to the doctor today to get something for my own depression.
my hopes aren’t incredibly high. i think i’ll be extremely excited if i just get a doctor willing to hear my thoughts and will help me.
all in all, it has to better than how i feel now.
It’s worthwhile to keep on trying until you find the right pharmaceuticals for you. Everyone is different. In the meantime, here are some nondrug remedies that may help you:
cherries, oats, exercise, orgasm (of course!), meditation, altruistic activities (helping others), coffee, vanilla, bananas, and cinnamon.
Good luck!
(((AAG)))
Depression is a bitch. Since I’ve been depressed and on meds for years, I feel your pain. You are taking the proper steps and being able to be cautiously optimistic is good.
*hugs*
Ah yes, this seems to be a common theme for so many of us. I gave up on the medications b/c I just couldn’t stand the fog they put me in, plus one made me even MORE depressed so I just finally threw my hands up in disgust. The depression comes and goes, and would be considered mild I suppose so I just deal with it mostly via chocolate and exercise…LOL.
Like so many others, I feel your pain, and wish you good results soon. It’s got to at least be comforting to know that you are not alone in this particular struggle.
ummmm….how about trying a little weed? :-)
Could it really be that simple? :)
I agree with crys. A long time ago, in a land far away, I was diagnosed with severe depression/panic disorder. Given the circumstances of life at the time, it was a fairly easy “guess” for the doctors to make. (Custody battle, changing careers and the pressure that entailed, the insecurities of being 20-something and feeling like a complete failure as a mom, wife and a human being…)
It turns out that all the anti-depressant drugs in the world wouldn’t help a sleep disorder. Disordered sleep from the stress meant more exhaustion and more stress. The downward spiral continued when I abused alcohol to be able to sleep. I was one f-ed up mess!
Then I remembered that when I tried MJ in high school, the only thing it did for me was make me sleep. Hmmmm… So I contacted a friend who smoked and asked for help with my “experiment”. He laughed, but agreed. A week later, I was a different woman. Clearly I don’t explain in polite or professional circles what happened, but in a quest for a more legal and socially acceptable alternative, I asked my primary care doc for Xanax.
13 years later, I’m still taking the same small dose. Only on school nights an hour before bedtime, and not with alcohol.
I’d give it a shot.
Just wanted to say hang in there. It absolutely sucks, I know. And while going through it, it feels impossible to explain the sheer horror of it in way that anyone could possibly understand. I went through many medications, many dosages, and lots of side effects. But there is a solution. There is another side to this. I am actually off medications now, having found the right dosage/ meds and stayed on them for a couple of years. They burned my stomach so I had to stop taking them, but by that time I had gotten enough of a foot-hold on my brain and its downward spiraling that I am ok without the meds. And am surprised to realize that what was once a bottomless pit of pain and suicidal ideation is now like a bad dream. Keep hanging on.
Don’t worry. I will! Thank you Sam.
I hope you feel better soon, I really do.