I wasn’t surprised to find that my friend had already vacated the chat room by the time I clicked the link, as my favorite pervy dating site is notoriously slow in refreshing the names of members present in the room. I was surprised, however, to find someone in the room whose handle I didn’t recognize; someone who pounced with a message before I could click away.
“Would you be willing to have intercourse with me this afternoon? I live in XXXXXX.” This appeared on the screen so quickly that I had to wonder if he’d pre-typed it in anticipation of the the next wayward soul to wander through.
I could have left then, I know, but as so often happens curiosity got the best of me and I couldn’t help but answer. “It’s an awful long drive between XXXXXX and my town just for an afternoon of sex,” I replied, quickly calculating that the trip would require some five hours of travel time.
“I’d need you to drive here,” he responded. “I don’t have a car. But we could meet at this little motel just up the street from my mom’s house. I could walk.”
As he was typing I checked out his profile. It listed his age as 47 and his occupation as “stock broker.” The town matched what he’d told me. Before I could respond (or run), another message appeared. “I’ll make it worth your while,” he typed. “If you have intercourse with me, I’ll give you a brand new car.”
That hooked me, not because I had any wish or hope that he was serious but because the offer was so mind-bogglingly odd. “A brand new car, eh? Just for sex?”
“Yes,” he answered. “I own stock, and as soon as it goes above $3 a share I’ll have a million dollars.”
“I see,” I said. “And how much per share is the stock worth now?”
“$0.034, but it will go up just as soon as I have intercourse with a woman.”
I soldiered on, for what reason I could not say. “Really. How exactly does that work?”
“The bastard who owns the company has a cap on the stock until I prove that I’m straight,” he answered. “All I have to do is lose my virginity to a woman and he’ll remove the cap. The stock will shoot right up and within six months you’ll have your car.”
“I see,” I typed, at a loss for how to respond to this revelation. Apparently no more was expected; his reply appeared a fraction of a second after mine.
“But I’m surprised they haven’t gotten to you yet.”
“Who is that?”
“The owner and his cronies. I’m surprised they haven’t warned you to stay away from me. You see, they don’t want me to make money off this stock.”
My mind was spinning. “How would they possibly have gotten to me?” I asked.
“They watch my screen,” he typed. “They can see everything I do, every site I visit, every keystroke I make. But I still want to have intercourse with you, as long as you’re not too scared. You aren’t too scared, are you?”
Here I paused. “No, no, I’m not scared in the least,” I finally typed. Amazed? Yes. Flabbergasted? Absolutely. But scared? Not so much.
“Good. Then you’ll come?” This message appeared only an instant before my final message, in which I gently wished him luck with his plans. As soon as it was sent I took leave of the chatroom.
This took place a day ago, and I swear upon the most recent version of WordPress that I have not exaggerated or embellished a single word of it. I keep nervously checking my dating site email, dreading the moment when this man might decide he has a bit more to say to me.
Thus far he’s remained silent, and I’m left to wonder if he was conducting some intricate social experiment designed perhaps to seek out answers about our willingness to engage in risky sexual activities. That’s it, right? He was just running me through a social experiment, wasn’t he?
I really hate to contemplate any other possibilities.
OMG, I’ve had some funny conversations with inappropriate men on dating sites, but that one takes the cake! And like you, I hate to contemplate the possibilities. Here’s hoping he’s moved on to someone else…
That’s so amazing I don’t even know where to start.
Classic case of “I’ll pretend I’m a secret agent/spy/superhero and get her so intrigued she won’t question the gaping wyl e. coyote-esque holes painted festively across the plot”.
Who was it that said “If you can’t blind them with brilliance, dazzle them with bullshit?” It’s this whole cycle of complete lack of logic that’s just fun to pick through!
*If he’s a stockbroker: why would he- live with mom/not have a car/hedge career moves on losing one’s virginity?
*If so much is supposedly riding on wang poker-y, enough to buy a car, why not just hire the services of an escort? Or a car?
*Isn’t ridicule based on one’s sexual preferences in the workplace like, at the least, a fine-able offense?
*Assumptions – Bartering for sex? Is he assuming you’re a sex worker that takes not only IOUs, but IOUs for objects? You’d go to meet a client in a seedy motel with no references from fellow sex workers and only a profile to go on?
I mean, I have to give him fascinated credit for one hell of a backstory. If he invested half as much effort in telling the truth and dating – or at the very least chatting up – women who care about personality and not plotlines, perhaps he’d have company, if not a mansion. :-p
Or…
maybe…
he’s just a lil bit crazee?
:)
Occam’s Razor
Yes, that is also quite true. At least it’s an entertaining edition of crazee :)
Entertaining and yet very very sad.
Wouldn’t it be funny if it were 100% true though? And he was attractive. So there’s this free car out there for the next gal to trust him. Funny.
He probably keeps mom alive on a respirator chained to their bed. That seems more likely.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s completely batshit insane. That’s all there is to it. For curiosity’s sake you should check to see if there are any mental facilities in that town.
That almost makes me want to sign off the net. I hope ‘he’ doesn’t return.
ack.
Love it!! Why have I never thought of that ploy? The information you provide me with. :)
Um, can you check back and find out what KIND of brand new car?
I really should have done that, eh? :)
Yeah, Circe has a point – sacrificing your sense of personal safety and good taste for a Kia would just be embarrassing. :-D
I can’t stop giggling. This is one of the things I miss about dating, the weirdo stories.
Now if it were a brand new Camry…
If you do run across him again, tell him that they can’t monitor computer if he puts aluminum foil on his windows.
Yep, he’s crazy.
Better yet, tell him to put aluminum foil on his penis :)
Just occurred to me… Maybe it was Oprah. You get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car, all you have to do is sleep with me.
It’s an odd feeling – laughing out loud and feeling appalled at the same time. Poor crazy guy.
Thanks for your blog. I don’t think I’ve ever commented here before but I do read frequently and always enjoy your work.
A brand new Matchbox or Hotwheels?
I’ll take two of whatever he’s having.
I’m guessing it was a troll.
There’s a website out there (that I can’t find now, dammit!) that’s just a bunch of interactions between this guy that responds to Craigslist postings — in the most absurd way — and then the answers he gets.
Wondering if this was the same sort of thing.
Have you considered that he might be a blogger also looking for a story.
Yes, yes, I did. So if anyone sees the OTHER side of this story…let me know!
Doubt it was a social experiment. Most likely a story weaved by a paranoid virginal 47 year old who lives with his mother. Run.
Run fast and run far. ;)
He sounds paranoid.
Best left alone.
Apparently aliens do live among us. I wonder what planet he’s from?
Laugh out loud funny. Thankfully you’re smart enough not to go near him without a squad of marines. And if you have that … well, then you don’t need him anyway.
This sorta reminds me of the old AOL Chat Room days. Keeping in mind that this particular chat was called “Town Square Ohio” and not “Hot for you now”.
I once grew tired of the trolls and decided to fight back. In less than 15 minutes, I had one hooked into coming to my house and started typing directions in the open chat. IMs from true friends (who had met me in person) were popping up all over, asking me if I had lost my mind.
The directions were to my Post Office Box and the phone number was for the local Psych Hospital. I hope it was good for him.
I waited for you at the motel …. ALL DAY!!!
I was at the OTHER hotel!
Now where’s my car!
:)