Given another life I’d make different choices.
Let’s face it — I’m not a very social person. In fact I’m not social at all. My earliest memories involve abandoning the fellowship of my family for my own room where all alone I’d read, draw endless pictures of Aquaman (I loved Aquaman. Don’t even think about telling me that Aquaman was wimpy.) or just stare off into space thinking whatever deep thoughts plagued my kindergarten self.
By the time I’d reached my daughter’s current age the behavior had solidified. I begged and received permission to quit going to a babysitter’s house after school; instead I went straight home and enjoyed two or three glorious hours of peace before the rest of the family rolled in. I did homework, cooked dinner, cleaned, read books. I reveled in the solitude. It’s taken me a long time to realize how very much of that kind of thing I actually need. This is not something that’s optional. It’s an absolute requirement.
Halfway or more through this life it’s too late to initiate plans for full-time monastic living. Any solitude I get will be in itty bitty chunks doled out on alternating weekends. But I certainly don’t regret the long string of decisions that have brought me to this point. Not at all.
It’s likely nothing more than an extra dose of crankiness and stress brought on by a combination of factors this week. My eldest is home for spring break; this has caused an unstoppable slamming of the screen door and a continuous flow of friends in and out of the the house. The excitement is unbearable for the little ones. Add to that a slowly improving hole in the throat, lingering cough and enough antibiotics to kill off every good bacteria within a ten-foot radius of me and you’ve got someone stressed out enough to shriek about it via Twitter. Five times. In a row.
Would you, if you could? Would you live another life completely differently than the one you’re currently inhabiting? Share please, in the comments below.
Oh, I hope this isn’t an utter cop-out, but I find myself fanstasizing about parallel lives all the time. I wouldn’t give up my kids; there would just be another me living in a dimension where I could read and write and reflect. There’s be yet another me who could be the best teacher I know how to be, free of distractions and time sinks. And in yet a fourth dimension, I’d devote myself to sensual pleasures 24/7 – very dark chocolate in moderation, sex much less moderately.
I don’t think you’re anomalous at all. I think you’ve got the natural need of an introvert for privacy (and oh, do I hear you!) combined with small children’s utter contempt for privacy. All parents feel this conflict at times; those of us with a contemplative streak feel it more acutely. This tension betwen love and duty for our kids, and the time we need to reflect, is hardly ever discussed. It ought to be. We’d feel less needless guilt.
I do think you’ll find all of this a whole lot easier once your wee ones are in school full time. I know it’s revolutionized my life, even though I’m usually working while they’re in school. My work is fairly contemplative, and my students are rarely as demanding as my kids.
Hugs to you, and wishes for good health soon. And hang on – school starts on Monday, right? I’m counting down, too, right along with you.
I would really, really like a little stability at the moment. And taking Spanish instead of French would have been a really good idea. But other than that, I love the little life I have carved out here.
I too am a solitary gal, and living with my partner these past few years I find myself missing alone time.
P.S. Don’t forget, preschool is coming! A few hours of peace might be had!
a second home, in the mind, or elsewhere entirely? sure, it’s always nice to get away from everything for awhile.
I often feel like a hermit these days, surrounded by books and writing away endlessly. You could always go back to school and work on a thesis ;)
I’m very happy with the life I have and very happy with the relationships I’ve had as an adult that got me to this point. I don’t have children, I’ve never wanted them and that if nothing else means that I can generally get the solitude I need. Like you I enjoy my own company, actually I relish it and love “hermit” days when I can just be. I’ve enjoyed solitude since I was a child too, as soon as I was old enough to be left alone it was quite often 1st choice over doing anything social. I love being with people too and living on my own for the first time in 40 odd years gives me the freedom to choose. So fellow (part time?) hermit, grab your space when you can and enjoy it QRx
Yes, absolutely, most definitely I would like a break right now where I would be all by myself, even for only a week but the silence would be most welcome.
Oh sure.
First of all, I would have been the pampered child of an orthopedic surgeon, instead of born to the poor white trash parents of my childhood. Second, I would have had the courage and the means to tough out a season or two in NYC to see if my acting, singing, dancing and writing skills were as wonderful in reality as they were in my imagination. Third, I would have married the man I toyed with in Houston instead of coming back to sedate Cincinnati to marry a gay man (in my defense, he didn’t seem gay when I married him).
Do things differently?
Hell yes.
But we don’t have those choices at the beginning, nor do we choose for whom our hearts go pitter patter. We go with what we are given.
And for what I have been given, I will be eternally grateful.
I don’t think I would, actually. My theory is I was supposed to be young and stupid at the times I was young and stupid, and now I have a solid “knockitoff” reflex and a half of a wild idea about who I want to be. I can’t regret a life I’ve only half lived already.
Ask me again when I’m 100, maybe?
I like who I am and I am content with my life. Any changes I’d make would just be details like money and the things it would buy.
I do believe that I would. Although I own every decision that got me where I am (and it’s not a bad place), I operated from a place of fear. Now that I know better I would have just jumped.
Even if I had done I suspect that I would be pondering the road not taken. It’s my nature.
Me too, play alone, read alone, work alone, study alone, explore alone, interspersed with friends but dominated by solo.
I’m sorry, I knew I needed alone time early on and pursued hobbies and activities that included it throughout.
Taking an MBTI test as an adult revealed that I am very strong I (introverted in Jungian/translated German means needs alone time to recharge and is drained by lots of social).
I love socializing and seek it out online regularly, and in doses offline multiple times a week, but not every day.
I’m one of the rare ones that thought ahead so am living where I want to despite options from coast to coast, and am doing what I want.
I also saw early on that it’s easier to make a change than suffer with the current situation.
So many are fearful of leaving the known. You see that with jobs. They won’t leave the situation they complain about. Yet if they lose the job or move, OMG they are SO much happier with their better boss and more pay and better hours.
So why didn’t they make that change earlier?
If you need some alone time, figure out more frequent child care or get a neighborhood babysitter to come by while you read a book or heal or whatever to recharge.
But really, when you are sick and out of energy is when you need to recharge the most. So you’ll get through this and be back to your normal routine a bit happier once you are well again.
I often have the feeling that there is just not enough time in this life to do everything I want to do. I’m certain that it would take several lifetimes for me to be completely satisfied.
I’m fine with my life to date. I don’t regret any of it yet, and I hope to keep it that way. That said, I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out if I had done a few things differently. I wish I had the ability to look at life like a “choose your story” book, and know the ending every time.
Hello AAG
From choice, I spend roughly 80% of the time alone. My constant companion: Public radio. Here in Hawaii, we get classical music from 8:30 am to 4 pm and from 6pm until news comes on at 7am the following morning. Most days, a couple of phone calls and a brief visit with a friend or two give me all the human contact I need. Email is good, too.
Yrs in pervery, Adrian
Do you think your fascination with Aquaman is related to you ability to gush? Subconsciousness is a bitch, but generally true.
Sometimes…I made a lot of mistakes in my life, and if I could go back with the knowledge I have now, I’d fix them and take the road not traveled. A lot of it stems from having so much potential and being made to feel like I squandered it – my parents were not kind when I did not follow the paths they set out for me.
But…I remind myself that those mistakes brought me to where I am today, for better and for worse. And those other roads, probably wouldn’t have led me to D. So that makes it worth it, most of the time. Because I can’t imagine what life would’ve been without him making me a better person.
I totally feel the same way. I have isolated myself almost my entire life. I spent most of my time growing in my room reading books. Now, I go to work (spending most of the time alone) and then come home. Home is myself and my cat. Once a week, I meet a friend for dinner. That lasts about 90 minutes. I am so skin-starved. I want to be held, to be physically intimate, but I am so social phobic that I can’t force myself to make that first step. I continually hope that some woman will make the first move and try to seduce me. But I know that probably will never happen. I’m intelligent, a good conversationalist and a nice person. I’m so totally scared of rejection. I will I could change all this but time is getting short.
Oh, for a thousand lifetimes to live…I have plenty of time for reading, reflection and pleasurable solitude. I need it and I’m grateful for the time that I can spend following my muse.
With recent health issues coming to light, yeah, I’m wishing I had done a lot of things differently. I can see what brought me here and I’m busy being embroiled in tears and self-recrimination. Fun times.
I wish I hadn’t fucked around so much in school and graduated earlier. Then I wouldn’t be dealing with grad school at 29. Buying a house would seem more realistic.
Lots of things. Just absolute tons.
Aquaman, eh? Interesting. Of course, I went from drawing Snoopy over and over again to drawing bound naked men over and over again.
I love some aspects of my life, but I definitely have dreams about what I would do if I’d make some different choices. Of course, I’d probably have some regrets then, too. I just try to keep that in mind. I’ve made choices that I cannot undo, and if I’d chosen differently, I’d also be wondering “what if?”
mmmm … Aquaman.
I’m only 21, so I have a lot of my life ahead of me – I don’t really fantasize about alternative lives, because in the end, it’s all pointless. Everybody dies, and in the end, whatever choices you make don’t really matter. To worry about having done x or y is pointless – no matter what choice you could have made, you will eventually meet the same end in every situation. I’m almost quoting directly from L’Etranger by Camus here, but you get the general idea.
I’ve led a life that could be envied by others and vilified by some. And some of the choices I made were not always the best. But those choices brought me to where I am today, and made me who I am. I like who I am, and therefore the regret those decisions would be to regret myself.
http://www.themorethemerrierblog.blogspot.com/
Aagblog.com is becoming a fireplace of desire
http://{ULR-REMOVED.blogspot.com/ says u ppl best of luck
I have no idea what this means. Is becoming a “fireplace of desire” a good thing, or not so much? ::baffled::
In a parallel universe, on that last trip to the Virgin Islands, I went with the couple who invited me to sail around the world with them instead of going back to home to my boyfriend (future husband) and life as it became. Choice points.
Elizabeth…..you married a gay man who didn’t seem gay, too?
Do thing differently? HELL, yes! Parents who are surgeons? HELL, yes!
Alas…we live what we are dealt. And it didnt turn out all bad….
I’m blessed to be with someone who in spite of being far more social than I am understands my need for ample decompression time and space, and is willing to give me enough. An hour in meditation? That’s what the universe provides video games for. Some space to energy-regroup? He hits the gym. I believe more every day that while it’s wonderful when the things that connect do so, it’s even better when the things that don’t connect are compatible in some way, too.
As for another life…no. There’s a lot about my life that hasn’t gone well, ranging from annoyances to complete crash-and-burn disasters. But it’s going well now beyond any hope I ever had, and I wouldn’t trade a jot, tittle, or detail of it as it is. Are there things I wish hadn’t happened? Oh gods, yes. But I have to wonder at the same time: If those things hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be who I am now. Would the woman those things hadn’t happened to have been willing or able to step up and grasp the life I’m joyous and grateful to have now?