My parents’ birthdays and anniversary fall in a narrow range which also includes Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. A few times in the past I’ve given a single larger present to cover multiple celebrations instead of smaller individual presents.
One such example happened several years ago, immediately after my middle child was born. The husband and I conspired to purchase gift certificates to a nearby hotel so that my parents would have a convenient place to stay while visiting my town. These we presented along with a hand-made card featuring a flower image. And probably a meal that I cooked, but my memory blurs on that particular point.
I wouldn’t have remembered any of it, given how hazy events seem between the time my second child was born and, well, now, except that my mother produced that hand-made card not long ago when I asked why they’d failed to acknowledge my birthday. “You never acknowledge our birthdays,” my mother said, pointing to the inscription on the card. “See, you just grouped them in with everything else. You usually don’t get us presents. Sometimes you don’t even call.”
Dear readers, I sincerely believe that I have always called. The only times I’ve not given presents is when they’ve specifically asked me to abstain, such as the year prior to the divorce when saving rather than spending was my goal. “We don’t want anything,” they’ve told me more than once. “Spending time together is enough of a present for us.”
Friends advised me to ignore the fact that they’d not noted my birthday. It doesn’t matter, they told me. You’re a grown up. You have friends with whom to celebrate. They’re just trying to get your goat. Don’t let them see you upset. Despite this very smart advice I failed to keep my cool and when the topic turned to my legion faults, I brought it up. Silly me.
When they handed the card to me I wanted to protest. I wanted to point out all the calls, presents and other various acknowledgments I’ve given over the years but I knew it was pointless. Did they forget? Or not register them in the first place?
It doesn’t really matter. In their collective memory I am The Irresponsible Ingrate Daughter, and no number of cards or gifts will change this fact.
~sigh~
Will we always be ‘children’ to our parents ?
Will they always remind us ?
Be thankful for being thoughtful, in you own way.
-me.-
I don’t believe in putting requirements on family. Birthdays are often brushed over in my family. That’s okay, because every day love and support is MUCH more important than an annual material gift. But then, you don’t describe your parents as being very supportive either.
Ugh. Writing off parents is so hard to do! I’m still trying to write my father off, and I can never quite seem to manage it.
Of COURSE you expect your parents to acknowledge your birthday. You have every right to be upset, and anyone that tells you otherwise is lying.
I don’t even know your parents and I’ve had it with them.
I’m with Finn.
People who own their own actions
Believe in random acts of kindness
Karma
Only you need to know
Smile
Perhaps you should look into some surrogate parents. Kindly older people who will phone you up on your birthday and holidays and say nice things about your having a wonderful day, being very proud of you, and all the nice-parent things to say.
If I had to choose between nothing and a guilt trip for my birthday, I’d choose nothing. What an awful, selfish, passive-aggressive thing to do. I’m sorry.
They are fortunate to have you in their lives.
I wish I could say the reverse were true.
Chin up, aag. You are better than they.
No good deed goes unpunished, eh? It figures that your mom would be able to whip out documentation to back up her accusation. Who knows how long she was waiting to pounce….
Ah well….you know the truth.
You know, I just think they’re not good enough parents to be the parents you want them to be.
I think that’s why you sound like such a good one – you’re just giving your children the love, attention and protection that you feel you didn’t get as a child.
The day I was told my mother has admitted out loud to not loving me was the best day of my life.
It stung for awhile, but once I got past the initial shock of hearing it out loud, I was finally able to get — really GET on a foundational level — that it wasn’t me. I wasn’t wrong or crazy or selfish or stupid for all those years. The vague feelings I’d had my whole life were real and justified.
I wasn’t the one who was unlovable, she was the one who couldn’t love me. That knowledge set me free.
I’m not saying your parents don’t love you. I’m saying I hope you can see them for who they are — who THEY ARE — and not for who you have always hoped they would be — if you are good enough or more perfect, or who they think you should be.
That little girl inside you who wants her mommy and daddy isn’t ever going to get them. But she has you, and that’s a hundred times better. How lucky is she now?
I’m sorry you (rightly) feel hurt and sad in this latest example from your family.
“happiness is the gap between what we expect and what we receive…” and of course the opposite is true.
There’s a theory that relationships are like bank accounts. You make deposits and withdrawals depending on whether you are taking or giving. Unfortunately some relationships are permanently in overdraft, they suck us dry (and not in a good way!) and contact generally is toxic.
You are lucky in that you realise how much their comments and actions hurt – because you can decide how to deal with them in the future. (You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, to quote Dr Phil).
And you can choose to be nothing like them.
you know? i had this friend who decided that he didn’t like me anymore (mostly because i didn’t fall in love with him back) and he then persistently put the worst spin imaginable on anything i did.
like until he was basically assuming literally opposite motivations to the truth. nothing anyone said would convince him and he bad mouthed me for a year…
apparently he’s “done with that now” though he has never apologized for a thing he said to anyone and everyone that i’ve ever met. we’re talking major slander.
but the key here is the part where he started to assume the worst of my motivations. after that nothing would ever salvage even an acquaintanceship because he was looking for me to be evil… and once you’ve started looking you’ll always find it.
your parents remind me of that.
take a deep breath and remember that some children rise above their beginnings and some tumble lower. you never fail to rise above…
i’m sorry that they keep hurting you.
oh, and:
happy birthday! you rock and may you keep rocking for years and years and years to come!!
oh and um… may you receive(d?) an extra helping of orgasms for your birthday!
I’m with Finn too….