“I hope the doctor says that you have herpes,” my friend L said, quoting the text which had just winged its way to her phone.
I crossed the room in three fast steps prompted by an anger so strong that I wasn’t entirely sure it would be directed at the right person. I grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Why are you putting up with this?” My nose was inches from hers.
“He won’t stop. I keep asking him to stop but he won’t.” She was crying. The anger dissolved as I hugged her.
“He won’t stop,” I said, my lips pressed against her hair. “You’re right. So you have to stop answering the phone. You have to stop responding to his texts.” She sobbed against my shoulder that she couldn’t do that. She was afraid of what he’d do if she blocked him out completely.
They’ve been divorced now for months, and yet L’s ex-husband still phones and texts her as many as seventy times each day. The topics are always the same: What are you doing? Are you going to see the man who stole you from me? If you let him be around our children I will take them. You are a slut. I hope you get a disease. I want to come home. I’ve changed. Please take me back. I love you. In the time it took her to drop off her child at my house before a doctor’s appointment they exchanged five texts, a phone call, then one final text in which he wished upon her an incurable disease.
As infuriated as I am that she continues to answer the phone or respond in any way, she’s not yet ready to cut him off. Repeatedly I’ve suggested that she accept only emailed communication on the topic of their children from him. But he threatens daily to drag her into court, where he’d probably only get far enough with his spurious claims to make her life miserable. This keeps her from filing the restraining order she’s had filled out since their divorce was finalized. She doesn’t want him to make her more miserable.
How much more miserable could it be, I want to ask her. How much worse could it be than dozens of harassing messages each and every day? I don’t have any good answers for my friend. As much as I wish it were as simple as not answering his calls or texts, it’s likely that she’ll have to take more of a stand before he gives up or moves on to his next victim.
But I wonder how much longer she’ll be willing to let her children see her being abused by their father. And I wonder what conclusions they’ve already come to as they’ve watched.
That’s great how he has the audacity to put in the midst of all that vitriol “I’ve changed.”
Yes, possibly. But not for the better. What an asshole.
My thoughts are with your friend. This just sounds horrendous. I can only hope that when she is able to take a stand against him, that action alone will prompt him to stop instead of stepping up his bullshit.
That’s horrible constant psychological abuse; she def has a case if she ever decides that she has had enough and realizes that she DOESN’t deserve to be treated this way – no one does – no matter the terms of their marriage ending.
I hope she resolves her issues soon, because that’s just not right.
She needs to get evidence of what going on . And then she needs to bite his hand off when he threatens to take him to court. And then she needs to show him that she has diarised every text and unpleasant conversation for the last X months.Has she gone any way at all to keeping records of this behaviour? In my opinion, she neeeds to stop feeding this by continuing to exchange texts and speak to him. Asking him to stop? Maybe that would work in a formal mediation setting, but this is harrassment.
He already is making her life miserable. Probably far more miserable than court would.
I second documentation including the fact that her only requests to him are for him to stop.
For myself, I hope he is mad if he is sane it says bad things about all men.
If he is mad she needs to get away.
If he’s sane it says nothing about “all” men but plenty about HIM. –aag
Actually, she needs to document the messages, talk to a lawyer, and take HIM to court. That many messages a day would probably be considered harassment and verbal/psychological abuse. Also consider asking for a protection order to include communicating, even about the children, only through a third party.
Does her phone keep a log of the messages? If so, the cell phone company can corroborate the times and contents. They’d be an external, neutral party. Serious grounds for suing the crap out of HIM.
It is abuse. Statistically, it is going to get worse.
I think….
She needs to be documenting it.
She needs to get a restraining order.
She needs to change her number or have the phone company block his.
She needs to only communicate with him via email.
She needs to be know that she will be a better mother when she feels safe.
He needs to learn not to say/text everything that pops into his tiny brain.
He needs to understand the relationship is over.
He needs to understand that his behavior will not get her back.
He needs to understand that their are consequences to being a abusive whinny little bitch.
As a man who was left, I sympathize with his anger and confusion. As a man who was left, I have no tolerance for his behavior. As a man with daughters, I have even less tolerance for his behavior.
my divorce was final in 2008, but i had this exact same problem for months. i began documenting all of his texts, phone calls, emails, and saving the voice mails. lucky for me there were no children involved, and lucky for him, he stopped after being threatened a few times and he got our papers in the mail.
this is a scary situation and i understand her need to text and reply back even when you’re so tired you’re not sure what to say back anymore, but it’s an abusive cycle that needs to be broken sooner rather than later.
btw, cos, you rock! lol.
What Professor Fate said,,,sounds like a good plan to me
Breaking the cycle of abuse takes a lot of effort of the victim and he/she needs the support of friends and love ones. Several comments above offer great advice. Once under the control of a controler (read abuser) it is very difficult to break away from that control. She is lucky to have you for a friend.
This guy doesn’t say diddly about all men. All he says is about him. People don’t all fall into neat little groups by gender or race or age. I would think that [b]here[/b], that would be more understood than anywhere.
Jerks come in all shapes, sizes, colors and genders and it is wrong to label anyone but the perpetrator of the actions.
Amen –aag
Most cell phone companies provide and itemized list of calls incoming and out going as part of the billing statement. They can be accessed on line – she needs to save this information as a PDF file. The file should go back as far as from the moment it started. Take this information to the police. This is harassment and stalking.
The links below are for resources for stalking victims and include steps that can be taken to protect and defend.
http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs14-stk.htm
http://www.ncvc.org/
There is a great book you could give her – it’s on Amazon used for less than $5. “Free yourself From An Abusive Relationship”
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0897932579/ref=ed_oe_p_olp
Last summer I dadted someone for 3 months – 6 weeks after we broke up, he realized I was having a male friend visit for my vacation… and went nuts. But not half as nuts as your friend’s exhusband. The wheels of justice grind slowly, but in my case, he ws found guilty of harrassment. If he contcts me again it’s an automatic stalking charge next time – a a felony.
Found this site today.
http://violenceunsilenced.com/
I’ve been in a string of emotionally abusive relationships. All the advice above is good, but there’s one thing I didn’t see: She needs to be ready to love herself, and not take the abuse. Her response suggests that on one level, she feels that she deserves this treatment. She doesn’t, but until she can see that, there’s little anyone else can do.
I’m still learning, but the biggest first step for me was realizing that I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. I hope she seeks counseling on this if she isn’t already doing that.
Despite evidence to the contrary, there are times when an attorney can be a very, very good thing.
Of course, she has to make the decision to go and follow through.
How very sad times can be in this world.