Once one attains a certain age, it’s crucial to determine whether the unsolicited bodily permutations which present themselves almost weekly are the result of a problem or simply time’s merciless ruination. Gray hair, for example, fits into the latter category: There’s nothing I can do to stop it, so I either live with it or else try without much success to cover it up.
A continually expanding waistline, however, is another story. It’s definitely a problem, and will become more so the older I get. I see the future in my parents’ current health. It’s not pleasant.
Clearly some renegade genes swim in my pool. My family is happily (or not so happily) apple-shaped on both sides. None of us will ever be supermodels, basketball players or even television news reporters. And un-skinny genes seem to have been exacerbated in my case by some…er…unique parenting.
“You’re perfect right now,” said my dad during meals twenty-five years ago, casting a lewd eye over both body and plate. “You’ve got curves in all the right places. But if you keep eating like this, you’ll balloon up and then no man will want you.”
These conversations took place concurrently with sexual abuse. Suffice it to say that the synergism between word and deed made an impression. As predicted my curves became excessive, and while my dad’s interest in me eventually waned, other men were not particularly put off by my apple-iciousness, at least not when balanced against whatever positive psychological, spiritual or mental characteristics I might have possessed. Not to mention my mad blow job skillz.
By getting and staying larger I avoided my father’s deplorable attentions and proved him wrong all at once. The fact that this logic was twisted and faulty did not move me. It was the basis for decisions trivial and profound, the recounting of which would exhaust me to write and bore you to read.
At irregular intervals in my adult life I lost much of the roundness. When that happened my body attracted a lot of attention, which simultaneously thrilled and horrified me. The motivating factor in each case was a man I wanted to impress, a man whose esteem I hoped would change inversely with my weight. Did the plan ever work? Maybe. I’m not really sure. Every time I eventually lost momentum and slipped back into heavily curved comfort.
But a switch seems to have flipped in the days since my birthday. Somehow it’s beginning to dawn on me that what I was doing with food was not particularly effective. I believed what I was taught: That my body was not deserving of care. That it was meant to be abused. That if I covered up enough I’d be safe. All of this is bullshit of the highest magnitude, which I’ve long known. But now? Now I’m starting not just to know it but to believe it.
I’m not even slightly confident that this line of thought will lead to more consistent self-care. But now that the second half of my life has almost assuredly begun, I think it’s time to try.
I’d like to believe we could reconcile the past
Resurrect those bridges with an ancient glance
But my old stone face can’t seem to break her down
She remembers bridges and burns them to the ground.
Healthy is good and healthy is sexy. A good man will recognize that, and work towards healthy himself.
Perfect looking bodies aren’t always healthy.
I am confident that you are stunning just the way you are, whether you’re curvy, skinny, apple-bottom-y, twiggy…
It’s the attitude that makes a woman attractive, not the size.
I know that it’s extremely hard to change the way someone was brought up to think, but just by the number of fans and admirers you see commenting on your posts, you should definitely know that we love you, and no amount of waist expansion would change who you are inside.
I’m a curvy girl. I love being curvy and deliciously sumptuous. However, I didn’t realize how lucky casual dieters are until I got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Now when I think about eating a slice of cake I think about having my foot amputated down the line. I guess all I’m saying is its good that you’re taking initiative before you’re in a bad way. Keep on keepin’ on, pretty lady.
I hope you are both happy and successful, no matter what your endeavors and how you’ll go about them. If you ever need someone to commiserate with or someone to talk to, I’m more than up for either :)
I’ve been reading your blog for a while.. and thoroughly enjoying the spectrum of topics your writing dips into. This included.
It’s a shame women in our society ever have to feel that their body size/shape influences their sexuality, but it’s a reality. It’s a reality for me, and, it seems to me, for many. Thanks for addressing it head-on, and showing the many (myself included!) that one can be sexy, self-confident, and insecure (contemplative? or some other characteristic slightly less loaded than ‘insecure’). And that we can be all those things, rolled into one, well-articulated, sexy, honest woman.
The great thing about picking up healthy habits now is that you can pass them on! When we grow up with a taste for healthier foods it makes it that much easier to keep those habits. I may not have enjoyed eating health food when I was a kid but now I really have an appreciation for it and I will have the lifelong benefits, good for you for giving more healthy living a go.
There’s no such thing as a perfect body.
That’s why people are airbrushed and botox’d.
As a person well into the second half of life I have learned it takes less food and more exercise to just stay the same
YES! Healthy eating, not dieting! People will recognize that and it’s sexy. I agree 100% with Sem. Your body knows what size and shape it’s supposed to me. Healthy eating and a little exercise will help it get there. It sounds like you are taking care of the mental side of the picture as well. ROCK ON!
Perhaps I was unclear. This is not about how I look or how others might see me.
It’s only about honoring the needs of my body.
There’s a big difference.
:)
I was a very competitive athlete for several years, and since my ‘retirement’ from sport 15 months ago I have lost quite a bit of muscle and gained fat. Sitting at a desk rather than training for 30+ hours a week will do that!
I quit XC skiing competitively (though I am still very active) and I have been much happier as a result. I no longer have a crazy-fit body, but I am more comfortable in the one I am in and don’t constantly seek to change it.
Quitting has made me listen to my body, not for performance, but simply as to how it wants to be. I agree with Ken — your body knows. It doesn’t matter particularly to me what other people think, just how I feel.
Not just physically, but I think I’m a lot healthier psychologically at this point.
Anyways, this is really long and incoherent. I just wanted to share.
I am just starting to realize I dont need to “hide” myself away anymore, and I started a diet and excersize regime. It took a LONG time for me to work out the demons that were caused by unwanted attention from a family member, and I hid with food, almost the same as you did. Hearing your story helps so much, I know Im not alone and I know I can be happy as I am. I love this blog and I am glad that you share with us these intimate details, you never know who you help along the way. It inspires me enough to want to start my own blog!
The great thing is that hopefully you can instill a positive body image in your kids now, as opposed to the attitudes that surrounded you growing up.
I don’t have much more insight than that, but I just wanted to say that I love reading this blog. I have been following (casually) the sh*tstorm from your “buzzy things” post and just wanted to offer my support. I am not a sex blogger, or well-known in any circles on the web, but I figured just knowing you have many readers, who are sometimes silent, supporting you might be heartening.
Keep on keepin’ on.
Body image, especially with women, is difficult enough as it is. But I can only imagine the extra issues your childhood experience brings to the table. I feel for you.
Here’s to a healthy and happy second half.
Kenny Wayne rocks! Great song..
??
Kenny Wayne?
Self image can be a fragile thing and preconditioning to what is sexy and what is not can take plenty of time to change.
Relapses are also unfortunate happenings.
I agree with Sem, healthy is sexy
You know, for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who gained weight to get my father to leave me alone. When he found me disgusting, he moved on, but I stayed heavy, even with him out of my life. It is only recently, that I’ve been able to even think about losing weight seriously – and he hasn’t had any power over me in at least seven years.
i applaud you. these are such complicated things to try and change. i’ve been reading books by Geneen Roth which i highly recommend. she talks about honoring your body, your self, your needs. and she’s funny and deeply honest. i think you’d like her.
Curves are good!!! Some of us were not blessed with the teeny person gene. My hunny fell in love with me at my heaviest. Said the first thing he ever noticed about me was my smile with my friends at work. I am somewhat in shape but still on the big size. It is important for people to realize that magazine covers and runways are not the way REAL women look. I am glad to see that there are women that are happy with not looking like the Lindseys and Paris’ of the world!!!
my body demands wine and cheese, as well as fruit juice and lots of fibre…it needs chocolate (especially during those days of the month) and it also needs apples…perhaps if it only craved fruit juice, fibre and apples i wudnt have my ‘love handles’ round my waist and hips…but then, my body also craves loving and thats when the love handles come in handy ;)