In the course of navigating dating’s treacherous terrain, I have received introductory messages which could be categorized as rude, bizarre, presumptuous, startling and puzzling.  A precious few might fit into the “wonderful” category, but the unfortunate majority have been right sad.  That’s ok though; I’ve been at this dating thing so long now that I thought nothing more could surprise me.

How wrong I was.

The message in question came through FetLife, which exists as more of a social networking site for kinksters than a hookup site.   This wasn’t a hookup message, however.  That would have been less amazing.  Its purpose was to ascertain if the sender had met me before, and (presumably) to see if I’d like a repeat performance.

I understand the intent.  I just wish that somehow, he’d figured out a better way of communicating it to me:

“Hi There!  We met at one of Xxxx’s parties a while back. I believe (forgive me if this is too bold or completely incorrect) that I gang-banged your delicious butt with the help of another stud or two (or three — I can’t remember).”

It rendered me temporarily speechless for so very many reasons.  First, I’ve never had the honor of attending one of Xxxx’s parties.  I also don’t do the gangbang thing with strangers.  And finally, my “delicious butt” has only been enjoyed by (to date) one stud, a fact that I like very very much and have no inclination to change.

I sent the writer my regrets that I hadn’t been the recipient of his luv-shaft at Xxxx’s party.  But now I’m wondering.  Perhaps I should told just a wee tiny lie.  “Yes,” I could have written back, “Yes, I remember that anal gang-bang!  You must have been AssGuy #2, right?  Because AssGuys #1 and #3 were really dreadful.”

 

Today I got nothing done.

I took care of children, including extras who were about because of a snow day.  Two loads of laundry were done; additionally, three kitchen drawers were cleaned out.  I cooked three meals, read a number of story books, bathed everyone, supervised the making of muffins by a child, shopped online for a new range, comforted (or at least tried to comfort) a couple of friends dealing with personal crises, answered a slew of emails about suicide (cheery!), and roundly ridiculed with my best friend a mere child from my favorite dating site who’d offered to blow my mind sexually (as if).

Yep, I got nothing done, and yet I was as tired as if I’d spent the day hiking up mountains.

Near the end of the day I wearily asked my offspring to pick up the toys scattered across every flat surface of the house.  A quorum of them complied with rather less than the usual amount of sass.  One was deeply engrossed in a game and feigned deafness.  “Child, get moving!” I demanded.

She replied with the title of this post.  And with that incomprehensible yet strangely compelling statement of unknown origin I decided that my work for the day was done.  I’ll be spending the rest of the night curled on the couch in the fetal position, wondering how in the world I’m going to stay even half a step ahead of these children on another snow day tomorrow, much less until they’re old enough to live on their own.

Jan 142009
 

Convoluted logic suggested that a Friday night would be best.

If things went smoothly I’d have everything prepared for a late-evening departure.  I’d drop the kids with their dad and grab a bite for dinner.  I’d return home and perform a quick round of cleaning and straightening:  sheets in the washer, toys picked up, plants watered, cats fed, mantel dusted, floors swept.  In my imagination there was a certain pleasure in completing a final load of laundry, emptying the dishwasher, wiping down the counters one last time.

I pictured setting out important documents on the counter so that they couldn’t be missed.  I’d leave out keys and wallet, mortgage, car title and bank account information.  This, you see, would minimize fuss and bother after it was all over.

Then I’d head upstairs.  I’d gather all my clothes and place them in labeled bags for donation.  The sex toys and porn would have been delivered to my best friend’s house days before, ideally, along with information about how to tidy up the loose ends of my online comings and goings.

Carefully I’d shower to wash off the last traces of earth-bound dirt from my body.  Then I’d go somewhere — somewhere that wouldn’t serve as an evil reminder to my family — and gracefully make my exit from this life.

Really, it seemed like a great idea at the time.  I figured that forty years were enough for anyone; even more so for one as damaged as myself.   Crucial throughout was the goal of inconveniencing people as little as possible.  Picked-up house, affairs in order, no mess to find or clean for my family.  Of course this is illogical and impossible.  I knew this even while glancing at the clock and realizing that a half-hour had passed in grim but satisfying fantasy.  No amount of organizing or pre-planning would stave off the chaos this act would cause for my friends, family and especially my children.  These were thoughts, not plans.  Please don’t lecture me.

Where did these thoughts come from?  I don’t read whatever pamphlets come stapled to my prescription bags.  With the propensity for worry passed down (though greatly diluted and managed, I assure you) from my mother, glancing at the encyclopedia of a medicine’s potential ill-effects would bring half of them to life by the power of suggestion.

Instead, I toss out those well-meaning pamphlets the instant I get home.  I trust my doctor’s judgment in prescriptions, at least until something starts to go wrong.  Which it did.  If the first course of Flagyl left me flattened in a dark room, the second course buried me in a pit.   It was only when the thoughts hit during the second course that I bothered to check the medication’s side effects and found depression listed.

That explained a lot.

Knowing made the last several several days on the medicine bearable.  Did it stop the thoughts described above?  No.  But I knew they’d likely pass as soon as the bottle was empty.  In a few weeks I have an appointment with the doctor who manages my medicine.  Perhaps she’ll have some advice on non-Flagyl ways to handle any future run-ins with fishy vag.  And I’ll remind myself not to make decisions based on the whispers of seemingly innocuous pills.

Jan 132009
 

Towel number one was employed for my pre-date shower.  A little later, my partner shivered in towel number two while I rubbed warmth back into his skin with towel number three.  As you can possibly imagine, some parts of his skin ended up toastier than others.  My mouth dried what the towel wouldn’t reach.

And then we were together, a vibe on my clit while he fucked me deeply in the middle of the bed.  One thrust coaxed from me an enormous burning gush.  “It’s a butterfly,” I said later, leaning in to examine the blot.  “No, a bunny rabbit,” he coolly countered, and then we threw down towel number four and continued apace.

A break later sent us downstairs for refreshments; I snagged towel number five so that my naked lubed-up bits would not besmirch the sofa.  And lucky thing, because after a fifteen minute pause he jammed his cock down my throat and reached between my legs.  This set off a round of couch-based fuckery that far surpassed the gushing-producing intensity of our upstairs encounter, so much that the towel squelched wetly beneath me as rivers leaked down my legs.

Interspersed amongst the towels were several quick clean ups with wash cloths cooked in the crock pot.  This produced a surfeit of steamy hot comfort which we enjoyed most extravagantly, leaving a pile of a half-dozen clammy rags for later laundering.

Post-date clean up took the lives of the last two towels.  Number six rubbed over him while I lounged in bed; number seven dried me several hours later, alone and patting very gently so as not to make tender, pinked-up parts even more annoyed.

This provides some explanation of why the pile of laundry stretched far above the basket’s rim and required more work to complete than I’d planned to devote to it on a Sunday night.

But despite my usual hatred for laundry folding, this time I didn’t mind.  Not one bit.

Jan 122009
 

“…encouraging our children’s erotic development is scary.
It depends on one basic assumption: that sex (like vitamins)
is constructive and desirable. If so, then we want our children
to experience plenty of good, nourishing, healthy sex.
This does not mean any and every kind of erotic experience,
for some are highly destructive.”

Not long ago a message from Audacia Ray showed up in my Twitter stream mentioning the new online version of a book called Sex Without Shame:  Encouraging the Child’s Healthy Sexual Development.   Being that I was attempting to procrastinate from the work I should have been doing, I downloaded the file and bounced back and forth between it and other more pressing matters.

The book first was published in 1978, and while the passage of thirty-one years has hopelessly outdated a percentage of the information, I was enthralled by the rest.  Enthralled, yet somewhat abashed, because as open as I try to be with my children about sex, I think I’m still missing the mark.

The author puts forth that in order to create adults who approach sex with the expectation of  joy and comfort, parents must guide children’s sexual development.  We need to be as consistently and organically encouraging about these topics as we are about every other aspect of their lives.  We can’t merely not criticize or ignore.  We have to applaud.   This is where I need improvement.

If I cheer for my little boy as he demonstrates some new acrobatic skill but say nothing when he figures out how to “tuck” his package between his legs, what does that tell him?  If I remain silent when my daughter demands that I smell her finger (it smelled like poo; I bundled her off to the sink without a word), do I instill shame over her natural curiosity?

It’s time for me to work harder on giving positive feedback about their bodies.  “Wow, it’s pretty amazing that you can hide your penis between your legs,” I could say.  Or, “That’s your anus, honey.  It’s where the poo comes from.  It feels good when you touch it, but you need to wash your hands afterward.”  The book included the suggestion to praise a little boy on his “handsome” and “big” penis and a little girl on her “beautiful” and “pleasurable” clitoris.  I’m gonna have to work up to those.

I have to wonder if my decision to separate mothering from dating so discretely is a healthy one.  Do I do them a disservice by letting them think that mommy is only “working” while everyone’s at dad’s house?  My eldest at least is old enough to suspect the fib.

Wouldn’t it be better for her to know that mommy has a special friend who upon occasion visits mommy for dinner and some grown-up time?  Who keeps her company and makes her laugh?  Who hugs her and kisses her and makes her feel good?  In different circumstances my children might have auditory evidence of such enjoyment, and thereby learn that it’s what’s expected in a good relationship.  As it is, they hear nothing.  If they hear nothing, do they think I’m ashamed?

I’m not by any means suggesting that they need to know about all or even a tiny fraction of my grown-up activities.  But as of now I’m officially reconsidering my policy of radio silence.  I think they need to hear something.

Jan 092009
 

Invariably he gives me a show.  Naked and still half-hard despite multiple orgasms, he frames himself before the lighted bathroom door and washes up.  Because he knows how much I enjoy the view, he turns to and fro so that I can watch the washcloth and his hands move.  I am transfixed by how firmly he pulls at his cock, how assuredly he moves aside his balls, how comfortably he leans forward to give me a glimpse between his legs.

The moment’s pleasure is somewhat diminished by the fact that my bedroom is so far away from the water heater that it takes an eternity for hot water to come up.  He chooses between waiting in cold air or washing with cold water; either is accompanied by bellyaching on his part and teasing on mine.

Although this has been going on for months and various potential solutions have been bandied about, it was only a few days ago that I came up with the best possible way to alleviate the cold water situation.  Of course the idea popped into my head immediately after he left, but early the next morning I sent him an IM.  “I’ve got a hot new sexual technique to show you next time we get together,” I wrote, hoping to entice him with thoughts of a new position or perhaps a different swirly way of moving my tongue.  “I can’t wait to show it to you.”

Unfortunately, I succeeded in piquing not his interest but his worry.  He stewed over it for a few hours while I was away from all communication devices, then continued to stew when I teasingly refused to tell him any more of the surprise.  “Don’t you want to wait ’til I can show you?” finally I asked.

“No,” I was firmly told.  “I hate surprises.”

I told him, though it sounded disproportionately lame.  “Oh,” he said, mollified.  “That’s it?  I thought it was something you’d gotten from another man.”

I assured him it was not.  “When would I have had time to see someone else between when you left last night and now?  And why would I have done that, considering the state you left me in?  Why would you worry about this?”  I shouldn’t have bothered to ask.  These are questions that merit no good answers, only the same answers I often give when the roles are reversed:  It felt bad.  I was nervous.  I doubted your love and worried that you loved someone else more, if that’s possible.

I’m relieved not to be the only be one in this relationship who occasionally goes all wibbley.

Next time he’s here, he’ll find in my bathroom an old crock pot which has languished in the back of my cupboard for years.  If he peeks in he’ll see it filled with hot damp towels and a trace of water, steaming away so that he can wash up in exquisite comfort afterward.  An old crock pot will be the most recent in a series of nearly invisible threads we’ve thrown to each other, which when wound together and loosely draped function to bind us more securely than do some rings made from gold.

 

Someone who shall remain nameless but to whom I used to be married suggested that I create a Facebook account.  “Why ever would I want one?” I asked innocently.

“You’d enjoy being connected,” he said.  “You could meet people from all over the world.  It would help with the isolation of being stuck at home with the kids.”

“I see,” I said, reminding myself that he knows nothing of vast swaths of my life but likes to assume that he does.  He chattered on about the joys of social networking whilst I placidly ignored him.

I continued to ignore him for the next several months, until the new meds allowed me to crawl forth from beneath a rock of disgusted misanthropy and create an account.  Immediately I found a bevy of old and new friends who I had no idea were on Facebook.  I explored their friends lists, gathering up old acquaintances like fat little berries.  I posted updates.  I uploaded photos.

It took about two days for me to realize how much of a time sink it all was.  I could spend hours every day browsing through old friends’ family photos, commenting, updating and exploring, but I can’t afford that kind of time commitment.

Also, I’m somewhat terrified.  There’s a large divide between the real person and the aag you know and (presumably) love (or hate, if that’s why you’re here, and if so please don’t tell me).  I’d very much prefer that these two entities stay separate in the minds of my Facebook friends, except for the very few who know of MY SECRET LIFE ZOMG and still manage to love me.

So bear with me while I practice for a bit, will you?

Safe for Facebook:  Had spaghetti for dinner last night.
Only Safe for Here:  Had buttsex after dinner last night.

Safe for Facebook:  Lost yet another pair of gloves, doh.
Only Safe for Here:  Lost yet another buttplug up ass, doh.

Safe for Facebook:  Out of milk, must go to store.
Only Safe for Here:  Out of lube, must go to sex store.

Safe for Facebook:  Off to dinner with family, brb.
Only Safe for Here:  Off to orgy with friends, don’t wait up.

Safe for Facebook:  Watching “18 Kids & Counting,” lolz.
Only Safe for Here:  Watching “18 Kids & Counting” and porn, lolz!

Safe for Facebook:  Tried on jeans w/friend; just a lil too tight.
Only Safe for Here:  Tried to fist friend; just a lil too tight.

I’m sensing a pattern here.  If it involves anything going into or out of my vagina or ass, or into or out of anyone else’s vagina or ass, it needs to stay off Facebook.  Got it, self?  Neither ass nor vag on Facebook.

How long do you think it will take before I mess up?  Feel free to place your bets in the comments below.

Jan 072009
 

He could not have been in me more deeply.

We started in the traditional doggy position:  me kneeling on the bed, him standing behind me.  This time I pressed my legs tightly together, but this didn’t meet with his approval.  Immediately he began nudging them apart, steadily fucking me all the while.

“Did you want me to spread my legs more, Daddy?”  I asked, enjoying the violent thrill that passed through me when he said yes, yes he did want my legs spread open more.  Why, when we were already naked, already fucking, already almost as deeply joined as possible would a few nearly meaningless words serve to push me even harder up against the edge?

Then somehow he rotated behind me.  His right leg went up on the bed as he leaned his body diagonally across mine.  At the same time he circled his finger on my clit until I screamed into the mattress.  I don’t know if this position has a name.  I cannot even fully picture how it looks, as I’m usually face-down and out of my mind.

Do I care?  No, not really, because when he was close to coming and buried in me so deeply that an atom wouldn’t fit between our bodies he held absolutely still and let me rock on him.  If you watched you’d probably see no movement at all, but it’s there.  I tilted my hips very gently so that his head rubbed against something that threatened to make me either come or pee all over the place.  Not that the latter has happened.  Yet.

We can’t last long like this.  It’s just too intense.  And when it was done I slid to the floor in front of him.  None of his hardness had faded, so I took as much of him as I could into my mouth.  “I think my vagina’s all better now, don’t you?”

He smiled down at me.  “It’s perfect.”

Jan 062009
 

Was it the angle that twisted my wrist so?  Or the duration?  Or could it be that her vagina is actually becoming more powerful?

I can’t see her without wanting to fist her.  I told her as much at the start of the night.  Word got around (as it does) and within an hour we’d gathered a small but determined contingent of folks interested watching or lending a hand.  We repaired to her room, where lube and a waterproof pad were quickly rustled up.

I snapped on a glove, marveling as I did so how much air stayed trapped inside the membrane.  Carefully I coaxed my way into her while our companions managed the rest of her body.  Once she began coming, her pussy clamped down on me so hard that my metacarpals protested.  I shifted a bit and felt her g-spot against the top of my thumb, her cervix on my first two knuckles and a hard ring of bone circumscribing the whole hot area.

Everyone should take the opportunity (tonight, if possible) to pay attention to how the inside of a woman’s body feels.  Heat and smoothness and roughness and solidity and strength — the incredible strength generated in that short tunnel is magical.  If I had a penis I’d never want to leave it.  I only have a hand and I never want to leave it.  I want her to keep throbbing around my hand for hours and hours and hours, even if it leaves me broken and numb.

When I pulled free from her body and looked at my hand, I saw the glove molded against me like a coat of shiny wax.  Not a single air bubble remained inside.  My hand throbbed; briefly I considered finding an ice pack to soothe the pain.  Even now, days later, my wrist still aches.

Can you just imagine how that conversation will go with my doctor?

 

Just before Christmas I enlisted the services of a sitter and headed to small claims court to ask for the money EdenFantasys.com failed to pay me for work I did in late September.  I lined up with around one hundred other folks who were scheduled for an early morning hearing.  I had no idea what to expect; I sat tight until I heard my name pass between the judge and a lawyerish dude.  My ears perked up.

Soon they called me to the judge’s bench.  The lawyerish dude had been hired by EF to represent them.  He came prepared with a thick folder of papers, some of which he slid across to me.  In approximately three minutes he outlined to the judge his objections to my claim, to wit:  I sued the wrong person (Fred Petrenko, president of EdenFantasys.com instead of EdenFantasys.com) in the wrong place (my state where the work was done instead of New Jersey where EF is based) for work Fred claimed to have told me *not* to do.

No decisions were made; the judge directed us to come back next month for further arguments on the issues.  I was stunned enough with the rapidity (and untruthfulness) of the proceedings that I failed to write down the actual date.  I suppose I should call for it soon, eh?

So it seems that before our next date I need to be able to argue intelligently that I did indeed sue the correct person in the correct place.  I am not quite sure how to go about doing this.  I have the assurance of both the small claims court clerk and my divorce lawyer that bringing the suit here was the correct thing to do, but I’ll need to do some research in order to back up these assertions.

Proving that I charged for work he asked me to do should be easier.  I have all our IMs and emails.  Several of the writers I was working with have very kindly emailed me the details of our conversations, which I will show to the judge.  And I have on my side the fact that Fred questioned exactly none of my hours until he fired me.

I found it disheartening to prepare for court and then end up with nothing accomplished.  I’m completely frustrated at the idea of putting in even more hours in order to get paid by EF.  And I’m livid (well, as livid as I can be while well-medicated) that Fred Petrenko continues to be untruthful about these issues.

Another person would give up this fight, I’m sure.  I’ve questioned if I should.  Already I’ve spent a couple hundred dollars in chasing the money.  I hesitate to spend more.   Certainly he’s already lost or spent more money than he owes me on his own effort, goodwill toward his company, and his lawyer’s time.  Perhaps that alone should satisfy me.

But I don’t want to back down.  I know I worked the hours that were billed.  I know I did the work he asked me to do.  And I know that I never sold links, as he’s accused me of doing.  If I don’t hold firm, I encourage him to play these same games with every other person who ends up working for him in the future.  I’d prefer that this not happen.

I sure could use some encouragement though.  I don’t want to spend the money to hire a lawyer to sort through legal precedent for me.  I’m going to have to do it myself, or else take suggestions from my lawyeristically-inclined readers.  You know my email, right?

Also, I need some other advice.  The opposing lawyer is mighty cute.  Would it be wrong to flirt with him?  A little?  At the end of the case?  I’m assuming Fred gave him this URL, so HI LAWYER.  How you doin’?

Please advise.

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